How do autistic males generally handle end of long term relationship?

[Succulent]

I don't like to generalize but perhaps I can learn something since I have this question. I'm a hetero female with HFA. I've always had a very difficult time after a relationship ends. It awakens everything like I'm to blame, I'm so weird/difficult/react so strangely and other people don't, etc.

Do autistic males just not care? Move away from the thing that is associated with pain and focus on special interests, work, not feeling? Like machines, wood working, computer programming...things that don't have feelings seem like they are good when an autistic man wants to run away?

I'm sorry I'm not phrasing this very well. Seems like autistic men can just shut off like the relationship never happened, blame the person, falsely believe relationships shouldn't stress them out and if the person does, they are to blame.

 

[Rasendra]

Probably wouldn't generalize all autistic males from one or certain experiences. As autism is a spectrum not all experience it the same and some females exhibit more 'male' considered symptoms anyhow. Beyond that I am a female so I can't comment on how a male feels but I can say that maybe shifting to the logical part of the brain in order to 'deal' with or avoid the pain seems possible. Doesn't mean someone doesn't care though.
Are you saying this from experiences?

 

[Judge]

I've always had a very difficult time after a relationship ends. It awakens everything like I'm to blame, I'm so weird/difficult/react so strangely and other people don't, etc.

Me too.

Though I was apt to keep such feelings to myself when I lost relationships with NT females many years ago. I still blame myself for the demise of those relationships. It's just that many years later I now have a much better understanding of why it happened.

 

[OlLiE]

for me it is not running away, it is who i am, emotionality is the 'act', a very tiring one at that, and when it is no longer justified to keep up that act, i stop doing it

note that being with someone goes deeper than some trivial emotions that are exhibited,

personally, if a relationship is done, it's done, if you can't change it don't worry about it, what's the point in further investing any emotional energy in a relationship that has been finished, accept it, discard it and move on

i always wonder why one partner would ever want/expect the other person to feel bad, it's almost as if they are wishing pain upon that person and are upset that it isn't working

isn't the person that's making themselves feel bad about bad news they can't change the crazy one, wallowing in the immutable past, rather than taking control of their future

 

[OlLiE]

by the way, sadness about breakups is not some lofty expression of love, sadness has no meaning or purpose on its own, sadness only exists because it has an evolutionary purpose, otherwise it would not exist as an emotion at all

i've read that the evolutionary purpose of sadness is to stimulate the person that is feeling bad to go out and find another partner to procreate with (in the event of the loss of a child, the purpose is to go out and have another one, etc)

so oddly enough people that expect you to feel sad about having broking up with them, are actually saying they are upset that the partner they broke up with is not sufficiently motivated to find another partner, the irony, lol

 

[Fabian]

Do autistic males just not care? Move away from the thing that is associated with pain and focus on special interests, work, not feeling? Like machines, wood working, computer programming...things that don't have feelings seem like they are good when an autistic man wants to run away?

I'm sorry I'm not phrasing this very well. Seems like autistic men can just shut off like the relationship never happened, blame the person, falsely believe relationships shouldn't stress them out and if the person does, they are to blame.

Nothing to be sorry about. I think you phrased this very well.

I am unsure whether I am the only one who thinks this way but I fit that category of 'just not care'. Don't know why but I am quite cold when it comes to the end of a relationship. It's like just switch off the relationship and all the feelings that come with it. For me personally the end of a relationship is filled with joy as I am no longer 'stuck' with someone who interrupts my routines. Hence why I am not looking for relationships anymore. They always end in drama which I don't understand. I don't understand why there are feelings involved when a relationship is breaking up. Don't know why I don't understand though. I might be incapable of feeling a certain way.

 

[MrSpock]

I've ended friendships and romances without worrying about it, if it's clear that we're both better off without each other in our lives then it makes sense to end it, and why would I worry?

Ending relationships can also hurt like hell. I don't have as many as most people, so each one that is a good one is that much more valuable.

I think that whether or not ending a relationship has a large emotional impact on me can have a great deal to do with why it ended and whether it could be fixed, how easily it could be fixed, whether it ought to be fixed. Expectations can play a part too, certainly if I reach the conclusion that little can be expected any more I will invest little effort or emotion. I have been involved with some women really rather briefly yet hurt a lot because I had a lot of hope.

 

[ems]

In my past relationships I had a great way of ending them: 'Ghosting' and I am a female ...

 

[Flinty]

I've been in exactly one relationship which could be called "long term".

The day I moved out was the happiest day of my life.

 

[Chance]

Hi Succulent, and welcome...

I'm ASD in a train wreck with dominate NT female (who I still love), but she states she hates my guts...
So its sort of backwards for me. I'm the one trying to be loyal to the promises I made, but not able to be what she demands me to be. It's complicated.

As far as ASD guys... I think they can be as different as any NT guy. I'm quiet (too quiet), I shut down instead of meltdown. I do close off and maybe seem like I don't care, but thats just a defense mechanism.
I do care, but most often just don't want to talk because I will lose the battle anyway...

I dont have much to offer other than I get extremely stressed out over my marriage, and she seems to just be angry and not stressed. I suck at confrontation, but have no problem admitting my faults.

I do feel my marriage is done... I just don't know how or where to start the process that ends it, and I fear tons of guilt when I am seeking freedom. I have no one else on the side or anything like that, plus this is my only long term relationship. I don't have any history or past experiences to bounce off of.

Today was tough. We were going to a family event and I wasn't wanting to stay, or be there after awhile. She told me she wishes I would just get the hell out of her life, but then 20 minutes later she is wanting to show me some remodel pics of a friends house... I simply am sitting here right now trying to figure out how to process what took place??? I don't understand myself, but I certainly don't understand my marriage.

 

[Rasendra]

Nevermind, saw answer in another thread.