How can I help my mother understand me?

[kiaraenjoyer]

Hello, I need advice on my current situation.

My mother and I recently got into an argument over my issues with school, and I am unsure how to talk to her afterwards (I never get angry or argue with anyone). We have had some tension between for a while due to communication issues. She wishes for me to tell her my issues, but when I do, she says something to the affect of "you need to just get over it" or "you need to grow up and be a responsible adult". When I tell her I don't feel listened to, she claims I o
nly hear what I want to, but from my perspective, I only remember hurtful things rather than anything helpful.

For some context, the day before I had expressed my frustration with how boring my assignments were and my lack of motivation to do them, and as I was going to bed she came in my room and said "If you're not going to do your work, you might as well drop out." and left. I didn't sleep because I was so upset and crying.
I didn't fall asleep until much later and ended up missing my classes for the day. I thought it might just have been because my grandmother, who has dementia of some sort, had a very awful excrement-related incident earlier that day, her migraine was particularly bad, and my laptop decided to not turn on suddenly (all stressful things), but when I woke up she was complaining how I have no reason to be upset and stay in bed all day.
I've tried expressing to her multiple times just how much I struggle with doing things that are "easy", but as previously mentioned, she doesn't seem to understand just how difficult it truly is and thinks it is simply an excuse. I truly wish I was making my struggles up, but unfortunately, I am not.


Around August or September of 2023, I brought up that I was 99.9% likely to be autistic, but she only told me "No, that's not possible, you're not disabled." despite me struggling with basic daily tasks, struggling extremely hard with school, not being able to navigate "basic" social interaction/communication without struggling greatly for my entire life, and her criticizing me for these traits.
When she was informed my half-sister was recently diagnosed with ADHD, her response was that she couldn't be because "she's just lazy".

I believe she has a mix of internalized ableism and narrow-mindedness going on, as she doesn't want to call herself disabled despite having multiple chronic illnesses that often leave her bedridden.
Everyone else in my life I have told has responded along the lines of "I thought you were diagnosed already?" so I truly don't understand why she is so resistant to accept this.
I don't really feel the need to pursue a official diagnosis as every random ND person I come across asking me if I've been diagnosed is good enough for me, I'm starting to think it might truly be the only way to get her to understand.

I'd also like to note that the only reason I am currently in college is because she pressured me into going, that I wpuld be giving up if I didn't do so NOW, immediately, even after I expressed I wasn't ready many times and reminding her of my trauma with school, which she seems to conveniently forget every time I bring it up.
As soon as I started classes, I remembered the reason I had struggled with school so much; the assignments were way too boring and felt pointless, as I had already learned the materials contained within and found no value in doing it 5 times over. I just wouldn't do assignments I didnt care for, and unfortunately am still doing this. When I expressed to her how frustrated I was having to do the same things I'd done multiple times and how pointless it felt since I just wanted to paint, not write a bunch of fluff, her response was "Everyone has to do this, you think they're happy about it?" and when I simply couldn't understand why we had to, she just talked about how "that's the way things are, there's nothing we can do about it" (my least favorite phrase)
She keeps pushing for me to see a new therapist (stopped seeing my old one due to insurance changes) but I havent told her the reason i haven't is because talk therapy doesn't help me much, given the autism in my brain will not shut up about how to resolve my problems and a therapist trying to do that for me is kinda redundant. I have a referral letter from my doctor for formal diagnosis, but I have not told my mom due to her resistance and I feel a immense amount of shame and guilt over having my doctor write it despite them just saying "Yeah, sure" when I asked (I like my doctor, they are not dismissive if this seems so).
The issue is, upon my self-research of local organizations and support groups, they are all either for children or parents of children. Not very helpful.

She also seems to think just because I will be 20 this year, I need to have my entire life figured out and know exactly what I am doing. She always makes disparaging comments about "why aren't you guys like that" when she sees stories about children who graduate early or even on murder shows where they go "Person always knew they wanted be a nurse, it was their passion. It's so tragic they got murder died before they could become one"
Up until now, I've neglected to mention my sister, but she is very supportive of me and tries to communicate my needs to our mom, but it seems to have varying success. My sister has had her own behavioral issues in the past, but I feel my mom never was as critical to her as she is to me for these problems.
When she has tried to tell mom my struggles are not an excuse, she still somehow doesn't get it but blames me slightly less. It's at least some reprieve.

Sorry for the super long rant, but point is:
Do you have any advice on how to make her listen at all? My current method is explaining exactly what's going on with my mental state and trying to make it understandable to her, but that doesn't seem to be working.
I just feel very betrayed by my own mother not listening to what I'm saying.

 

[kriss72]

And Welcome @kiaraenjoyer : ) it's a tough situation - when I was 11-12 years my school wanted me to be assessed by a psychologist but my mother refused, she refused to see that anything was wrong with me - does it sound familiar? (I could probably not have gotten an autism diagnosis at the time, because I had normal IQ, but that is not the point, the point was my mother failing to see there was something making me different)

I wasn't officially diagnosed until my 50's, but even during the process of my evaluation she still refused that there was anything wrong with me - after I got the official paper she haven't said a word about not believing it - now I'm not saying that you should get the diagnosis to convince your mother, it might not even work, but I think with the paper you might be able to get accommodations in the school that are tailored to your needs - that is something you have to decide on your own and it is not like because you don't want it now, you can't get it later.

Now, about your mother... it might be very hard for her to understand your struggels (that doesn't make it right she don't understand), if she is NT, her brain works differently than ours.

One thing that has been brought up on this forum in some other threads is that parents that might be on the spectrum them selves, might have worked very hard their whole life, leaning how to mask, they think that is to solution to all problems, so when they see someone with some of the same problems as they have had, they see it as lack of selfcontrol that they don't mask too. - kind of what you tell us she does to you and your half-sister - I'm not sure it helps you, but do you think she (your mother) could also be adhd/autistic?

And to be clear, don't try to push through it by working harder and masking - the cost is way to high and the results are doubtful.

 

[Hypnalis]

@kiaraenjoyer

A question for you: do you want to address the problems you've outlined, or do you want to continue acting as you are, but without your mother criticizing you?

* The first won't be easy, but it's well worth doing.
* The second probably won't work. If it does, the long term outcome won't be good for you.

There's a piece of advice I've given to many people in your age-range (though rarely to Zoomers):
If you want an easy life, do what the world expects of you.

This includes accepting your current situation, whatever it is. So if you're in education, "do the homework", and get the best results you can.

There are a lot of other implications of course: one is accepting that at some point in the near future you will be 100% responsible for taking care of yourself.

Your mother is simply communicating the last two paragraphs.
They're not convenient, and there are a lot of people who wish they're weren't true. But try to disprove them for yourself

BTW - one of the things people regret most later in life is wasting time when they're young. Such as "playing to lose" during education. "Commit or do something else".

 

[kiaraenjoyer]

@kriss72 Thanks for the reply.
My mom has changed her response on if I was ever assessed, it went from: they said you might be on the spectrum -> they didn't say that -> they never assessed you -> when they did assess you, they said you weren't which, in hindsight, it could've been masked by the fact my wanting to die issue and fresh trauma covering that up. I can see clearly now that all the bullying and problems I had in school were due to being autistic (unfortunately). Not sure why she's changed her response over time, she does have memory problems but she doesn't forget important things like that.

I was assessed for learning/ general disabilities and such in elementary school after teachers noticed I didn't really ever talk or reply to people, but I guess I ended up scoring really high on whatever assessment they did and made a big deal out of it. Later on, in late elementary/middle school, I would have near-constant shutdowns from being overstimulated in class and was meant to be assessed for learning disabilities again, but my school was Not Very Great and only wanted to do that around when my mom pulled me out of school (I believe she threatened legal action, my memory of this time is not the best).
My English teacher is audhd herself so I asked her about accommodations at the school and she told me the college can help with making the diagnostic process easier, which is hopefully going to be majorly helpful for my dyscalculia. My sister also has undiagnosed dyslexia since, again, schools suck so I hope it helps her too (she really struggles with reading).

I think my mom is almost definitely ADHD or audhd, my sister miiiight be adhd, less confident on that one. I do agree that she probably thinks something similar to what you're saying, as I am Awful at masking and have never been able to do it well, or at least well enough to "blend in" because it was always too distressing and not worth it to me, I'd rather get ostracized and bullied over masking. Guess I'm a bit lucky with that, since it doesn't seem to be a common experience. It's a lose-lose situation though so shrug

Also, again on the diagnosis topic, I would like for accommodations for school for sure. Don't like the feeling of being close to crying from frustration while doing math AND being surrounded by strangers, 0/10

 

[Rodafina]

Welcome to the forum, @kiaraenjoyer.

You've brought up a number of issues here, and while it's definitely good to get it out and express yourself, it may also be helpful to focus on one thing at a time as you try to move toward solutions.

Based on the thread title, it sounds like communication with your mother could be one important focus right now. Your profile says you are 19 and I would encourage you to remember that you are at an important stage of gaining more independence from your parent right now. Parents can sometimes have unexpected reactions to self diagnosis of autism, so it is not entirely surprising that your mother would be resistant to this idea (also based on her reaction to your sister's ADHD diagnosis). Sometimes, this is due to uncomfortable feelings from the parent that they did not notice all along or possibly from a feeling that they think they are being encouraging and supportive by saying, "Nah... just toughen up!"

That does not make you wrong about yourself, however. If you can spend some time here on the forum, you can find many stories of people who are dealing with close family members who have a difficult time accepting that a loved one is autistic. Sometimes, it can be helpful to focus on expressing your experience with autism rather than simply explaining that you are autistic. For example, expressing specific difficulties you have like problems communicating verbally, trouble managing sensory stimuli, or experiencing excessive anxiety in certain situations.

Lastly, I wonder if your mother might benefit from some resources about autism. There is an entire resources section here on the forum and there are book and article recommendations in there that can help people (like the loved ones of autistic folk) to learn more from an independent source. It may be easier for your mother to take in information from a neutral source than an emotion-charged conversation with you right now.

Asperger's & Autism Books

Discussions for the Asperger's & Autism books resource.

www.autismforums.com

 

[kiaraenjoyer]

@Hypnalis Thanks for the reply.

I'd like to do the first option, but it is very difficult when 1/2 of my support system doesn't acknowledge, nonetheless try to meet my support needs. It's more like I get blamed for being incapable of doing certain tasks rather than her trying to help me, I guess. When I've asked her to help me before, she gives up when I find her solutions unhelpful after trying them, and transitions to telling me seeing a therapist is the best option, but as mentioned previously, that's a bit of a issue for me at present.

I am fully capable of doing independent tasks, it just takes me very long and she tends to comment on my struggles with it negatively, which discourages me from asking for help or doing certain things consistently if I'm doing them "wrong".
For example, I've always struggled with dental hygiene (it's a sensory hell for me) and she always comments how it's not good for me/my health, how my breath smells, I'll get cavities etc. and it really deters me from doing it consistently and makes me more self-conscious since I have a jaw deformity. I recently started seeing a new dentist who gave me children's toothbrushes and is very kind, so it's been less of a struggle, but I still feel incredibly guilty if I miss a day or two.
The slow-ness of my task completion also seems to come across as laziness to her, I can vaccum the entire house, it just takes me 2 hours instead of 30 minutes, but she gets upset that it takes me this long even though I can do it.

Also, it's not completing my assignments that is the issue, it's more so that it's very difficult for my brain to process why. If something feels pointless, I've always had a difficult time understanding just why we as humans must do Thing, but no one ever explains why and it frustrates me more.
I have never had any accomodations or support in school or in life in general, so I'm rather tunnel-visioned on this.

I do believe my mom loves and cares for me and just wants the best, but it's hard to feel that way when she only seems to pressure me into you HAVE to have an education and a successful career and have money or you're a failure. Maybe it's projection, as she didn't finish school herself and never really had a stable life until we moved around 12 years ago. I know she doesn't mean to come off as cruel and is trying her best, but my brain interprets any criticism or slight negativity as a threat and I withdraw.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Hi kiaraenjoyer,

it's nice to meet you!

It sounds like getting the formal diagnosis might be a good first step, since you said that you would definitely like to get accomodations at your school. Once you have the diagnosis, you could think about whether your mom might be more likely to work on accepting your diagnosis as well.
However, the way you write about her, I'm actually not that sure it would make that much of a difference. You think it's likely that she's AuDHD herself. Even if she realized and accepted this both about herself and you, she might still feel like "she's able to do it, so why shouldn't you". I guess that some parents/family members/friends are more accepting of our problems and quirks after learning about autism being the reason for them because it tells them that it's not our choice and there's only so much we can do about them. But if your mom right now is so inconsiderate about your feelings and issues, I'm not sure how much a formal diagnosis would actually change.

Another option for you might be to look for a therapist who's experienced in working with autistic adults. I don't know how many there are where you live, and how your options are with your insurance. But 1), it might give you a different perspective and different options for your therapy, and 2nd), they might be able to help you talk to your mom about this. If we talk to our family members ourselves, all involved are often very emotional (as it's normal). Often it can be of help to have an objective outsider explaining things, or being somewhat of a mediator. Maybe something like that could be an option? If a professional isn't available, maybe someone else would be ready to do it, like for example your AuDHD English teacher, or a friend or other family member (not your sister).

A more drastic but still legitimate option would be to consider moving out from home. You're 19, still young, but a legal adult who has that right. Maybe it would be possible to stay at a friend's or other family member's place for a bit if you don't feel comfortable or don't have the financial resources to look for an own (or shared) place yet? At least temporarily, to remove yourself from the tension-filled atmosphere and take a breather and think some things through?

All the best!

 

[marc_101]

One suggestion: write a letter to your mom. It's a lot easier to carefully write down what you want her to understand. You can use the letter to start the conversation.

 

[Aspychata]

Oh boy. I thought you were describing my mom. I think your mom is supportive however you may need to face the fact that she won't listen to you. Mom's have a way of just tuning out if we don't fit what they think we should be. You- sound like you have sensory issues. Maybe you should work on just getting thru important tasks such as brushing teeth. You also need to figure out how you will support yourself. Mom can only carry you so far. If you can't support yourself, then what's next, some people have to go to group homes to get ready for navigating life. I worried about how l would support myself. I was kicked out of my home at age 17. I did a live-in nanny job, and went to high school. Hey- good luck, these years seem hard, and l hope you keep applying yourself and moving forward. Mom's have limitations also, so you may never get her to understand all your issues. When your mom criticizes you, tell yourself, mom is putting her projections of inadequacy on me, and that's from insecurities. She worries how you will support yourself and take care of yourself if she isn't around. Have you considered if you qualify for disability support? I don't know the full extent of your level of autism but maybe an official diagnosis might be important to pursue and your mom may not understand this. Anyways, you did a great job of explaining your limitations, and welcome to the forum. It's good to have you here.

 

[jellyfish]

One day, ten or twenty years from now, you'll have a very different perspective on all of this than you do now. The best thing any parent can do is encourage their child to complete their basic education. Even if you don't like it, it's the platform you need to go on to do other things. If college is so boring, then it should at least be easy if you gave it half an effort. Get these qualifications in the bag and use them to get into art school and paint there.

But hey what do I know. I'm a crazy person.

 

[kriss72]

It is really not everyone that fits in the same education system, for me it was not a question of having to work harder, be tough etc. the challenges are not equal between us, some might have motivation issues, others have other challenges - and that goes as much for schools as for workplaces.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hello, I need advice on my current situation.

My mother and I recently got into an argument over my issues with school, and I am unsure how to talk to her afterwards (I never get angry or argue with anyone). We have had some tension between for a while due to communication issues. She wishes for me to tell her my issues, but when I do, she says something to the affect of "you need to just get over it" or "you need to grow up and be a responsible adult". When I tell her I don't feel listened to, she claims I o
nly hear what I want to, but from my perspective, I only remember hurtful things rather than anything helpful.

For some context, the day before I had expressed my frustration with how boring my assignments were and my lack of motivation to do them, and as I was going to bed she came in my room and said "If you're not going to do your work, you might as well drop out." and left. I didn't sleep because I was so upset and crying.
I didn't fall asleep until much later and ended up missing my classes for the day. I thought it might just have been because my grandmother, who has dementia of some sort, had a very awful excrement-related incident earlier that day, her migraine was particularly bad, and my laptop decided to not turn on suddenly (all stressful things), but when I woke up she was complaining how I have no reason to be upset and stay in bed all day.
I've tried expressing to her multiple times just how much I struggle with doing things that are "easy", but as previously mentioned, she doesn't seem to understand just how difficult it truly is and thinks it is simply an excuse. I truly wish I was making my struggles up, but unfortunately, I am not.


Around August or September of 2023, I brought up that I was 99.9% likely to be autistic, but she only told me "No, that's not possible, you're not disabled." despite me struggling with basic daily tasks, struggling extremely hard with school, not being able to navigate "basic" social interaction/communication without struggling greatly for my entire life, and her criticizing me for these traits.
When she was informed my half-sister was recently diagnosed with ADHD, her response was that she couldn't be because "she's just lazy".

I believe she has a mix of internalized ableism and narrow-mindedness going on, as she doesn't want to call herself disabled despite having multiple chronic illnesses that often leave her bedridden.
Everyone else in my life I have told has responded along the lines of "I thought you were diagnosed already?" so I truly don't understand why she is so resistant to accept this.
I don't really feel the need to pursue a official diagnosis as every random ND person I come across asking me if I've been diagnosed is good enough for me, I'm starting to think it might truly be the only way to get her to understand.

I'd also like to note that the only reason I am currently in college is because she pressured me into going, that I wpuld be giving up if I didn't do so NOW, immediately, even after I expressed I wasn't ready many times and reminding her of my trauma with school, which she seems to conveniently forget every time I bring it up.
As soon as I started classes, I remembered the reason I had struggled with school so much; the assignments were way too boring and felt pointless, as I had already learned the materials contained within and found no value in doing it 5 times over. I just wouldn't do assignments I didnt care for, and unfortunately am still doing this. When I expressed to her how frustrated I was having to do the same things I'd done multiple times and how pointless it felt since I just wanted to paint, not write a bunch of fluff, her response was "Everyone has to do this, you think they're happy about it?" and when I simply couldn't understand why we had to, she just talked about how "that's the way things are, there's nothing we can do about it" (my least favorite phrase)
She keeps pushing for me to see a new therapist (stopped seeing my old one due to insurance changes) but I havent told her the reason i haven't is because talk therapy doesn't help me much, given the autism in my brain will not shut up about how to resolve my problems and a therapist trying to do that for me is kinda redundant. I have a referral letter from my doctor for formal diagnosis, but I have not told my mom due to her resistance and I feel a immense amount of shame and guilt over having my doctor write it despite them just saying "Yeah, sure" when I asked (I like my doctor, they are not dismissive if this seems so).
The issue is, upon my self-research of local organizations and support groups, they are all either for children or parents of children. Not very helpful.

She also seems to think just because I will be 20 this year, I need to have my entire life figured out and know exactly what I am doing. She always makes disparaging comments about "why aren't you guys like that" when she sees stories about children who graduate early or even on murder shows where they go "Person always knew they wanted be a nurse, it was their passion. It's so tragic they got murder died before they could become one"
Up until now, I've neglected to mention my sister, but she is very supportive of me and tries to communicate my needs to our mom, but it seems to have varying success. My sister has had her own behavioral issues in the past, but I feel my mom never was as critical to her as she is to me for these problems.
When she has tried to tell mom my struggles are not an excuse, she still somehow doesn't get it but blames me slightly less. It's at least some reprieve.

Sorry for the super long rant, but point is:
Do you have any advice on how to make her listen at all? My current method is explaining exactly what's going on with my mental state and trying to make it understandable to her, but that doesn't seem to be working.
I just feel very betrayed by my own mother not listening to what I'm saying.

A difficult situation. No good answers or suggestions, but perhaps some perspective:

1. Many mothers do not want to believe that their children are somehow "flawed" with some sort of "diagnosis" but are more comfortable with the idea that they can somehow "inspire" their children to change their ways.
2. Most people associate the term autism with intellectual disability rather than a social and communication disability. Most are not aware of all the different variants of autism, but rather associate it with severely affected children, and almost never adults.
3. Most people do not understand "invisible disabilities".
4. As an adult, your family and friends have made a "moral diagnosis" of you, and autism is not on their "radar". Their cognitive biases are going to be in favor of "laziness", "shyness", "moodiness", "a lack of confidence and motivation", "selfishness", etc. In other words, things that they can identify with.
5. Some people do not believe that there is any such thing as Asperger's, ASD-1, or "high-functioning" autism, but rather think it is a "label" that people can "identify" with as an excuse for not wanting to be engaged as a productive citizen. They see it as a sign of weakness that shall not be tolerated. There's a lot of ignorance out there.
6. You're far less likely to have others accept a self-diagnosis than a professional one. Self-diagnosis usually fall under the category of hypochondria and may be "accepted" with a disrespectful "eye roll".

Some good suggestions from other posts above, educational material, writing a letter, etc. However, (1) your mother has to be open-minded and self-motivated enough to accept a diagnosis and (2) you may need an official diagnosis in order to obtain any sort of credibility.

FYI, my mother and siblings have rejected my official diagnosis. My wife, one of the smartest people I know, and a registered nurse, took about 2 years for it to settle into her brain.

 

[Hypnalis]

@kiaraenjoyer

I suggest you start by setting aside any possible internal or external causes for your current situation, and consider what you will need to achieve over the next year or two.

The short version about the "why": if you truly can't change something about yourself (such as being on the spectrum), you have to learn to live with it. If you're making excuses, that has to stop.

That was normal advice when I was your age. It seems a bit harsh by todays standards, but you're going to be much better off if you truly accept the principle "sooner or later you'll have to take care of yourself".

Of the things you've shared, I suggest you think about the "2 hour vacuuming" thing. Not because I have an "answer", but because it's always best to start with something simple.

So a question: do you take 2H instead of 1/2 H because of some genuine physical constraint, or is it a side effect of "zero motivation"?

Note that I'm not criticizing. If you've chosen to waste 1 1/2 H each time, that's a valid adult choice by my personal standards. But if not, it's as good a place as any to start working on yourself.