LittleFiddle05
Well-Known Member
Alright I'll start by saying, I'm not even sure if I'm doing this right. Computers are not something I ever got into - I can use facebook like any other 20-year-old, but generally I like to stick to what I know, and had my psychologist not suggested it, I never would have had the courage to explore a new community.
That said, hello! My name is Emily, I was just diagnosed with Asperger's last Thursday, so aside from watching countless youtube videos, I still know very little. I'd really like to change that, especially because all I know so far are the extremes; I feel like a fake. I've had friendships - far too few and very unhealthy, but friendships nonetheless. I have a boyfriend. I'm excel in my classes, I'm technically functional and I've learned to express both my emotions and my interpretations of the emotions of others; in fact, prior to my diagnosis I'd changed my major to psychology, something I'd wanted to pursue in high school but had decided against due to the price of grad school. I don't feel like I fit here; I don't fit with neurotypicals, but perhaps I'm not Aspie enough to fit among Aspies, either. I want to get to know any in-between that there may be; I want to fit.
More than anything else, I'm tired of being alone. I'm relatively low on the spectrum from what I understand, and the symptoms apply to me so mildly that I feel out of place even presenting myself here... My parents were both from very low-income families, and my mother now teaches in a rather wealthy town, so she was always VERY aware of what was and was not socially acceptable - she'd had to relearn because of her economic status, and even before I could talk she was telling me how a proper lady should behave. Then at the age of 3 I started learning to play the violin, and concerts gave me an even clearer demonstration of expectations; by the time I was in school, I had a very clear understanding of behaviors expected by adults, and though i was awkward and talked endlessly, I wasn't shy or a problem student. I can't claim that Asperger's disrupted my functioning as a student, and I was so oblivious and content in being different that it's affected me more in later life than it ever did initially. From kindergarden through third grade, I usually had at least one friend, generally based around mutual interests; I knew I was different, but I'd decided that "normal" was the worst insult out there, so that was a good thing, right? I lived in books (I remember laughing like authors describe people laughing, rocking back and forth and slapping my knee - that's what book characters do, so surely that's what normal children do too?? Nope..), and had the occasional playdate with kids who were okay with my awkwardness. It wasn't until 4th grade that my differences became a problem; I remember the prank calls from the entire class when they would have a party and not invite me, or the days when kids would move one of the 8 permitted chairs away from the lunch table, certain that I wouldn't dare break the "don't move chairs in the lunch room" rule to be able to sit with them. But even then, my interests allowed me a friend - knitting was probably my first special interest (unless books count, I was reading at least one notably-sized book a day; by first grade I was reading books from 8th grade reading lists without even realizing it), and my friend and I would knit all through class, chatting in pig latin. By 7th grade, though, I'd started to realize that I wasn't picking up on when people were being cruel and when they were being nice; I realized I was snapping at the nice kids and smiling at the ones who were picking on me. I realized people didn't really like me, and I stopped talking. I'd kept in touch with one girl from Kindergarden, with whom I had nothing in common but who had remained a familiar face; with her, I would whisper; with other peers, I only spoke if academically necessary or if addressed. I remained talkative with teachers, but beyond that I learned to look down when I was walking so no one would address me, to always have a book so no one would catch my eyes wandering. I created a fake email address so that I could type up thoughts and feelings and hit send as if to tell someone, so I could pretend I had someone with whom I was close enough to share those thoughts and feelings.
Halfway through 7th grade I made my first real friend - by which I mean the first friend with whom I became emotionally close. From then on, I generally had one extremely close friend, someone with whom I could rely on constant contact, at all times. It's always someone with some mental health worry - being a therapist gives me a structure, a sense of purpose to their lives. I need structure. I can't start a conversation without offering help (my mom learned to send me with cookies if I was going to be interacting with people, as offering around cookies acted as both a bribe and a structure for conversation). Unfortunately, it's also always someone who will take out their anger on me; I've always felt that I am innately unpleasant to talk to and that those who do talk to me are doing me a favor, and if i can count on being sworn at or hit when they're angry or upset, then I feel I'm earning their time. That's one reason I started seeing a psychologist - I know that it's unhealthy and I need to learn to avoid putting myself in those positions.
By 11th grade, all friends had abandoned me. Less-close friends left probably in large part because I wouldn't shut up about French, Spanish, and Latin... now Arabic as well, to a degree. Languages were a definite special interest. As for close friends, one left because I didn't cut myself (I did self harm, but he couldn't see it and I didn't tell. I bruised, so no one would know), and he claimed I therefore didn't need him enough (other friends all cut or even made suicide attempts, what right did I have to his time?). Another left because I was always looking for problems to fix. The last because I wouldn't try drugs, in which i had no interest. It wasn't until October of this year, after 3 years without friends, that I ventured out of my dorm room (after a year and a half of shaking and crying in a panic if my roommates had too many people in the suite, of not getting out of bed unless for work or class) and met someone - an Aspie, who recognized the Aspie in me and encouraged me, despite my constant fears and insecurities, to get help. Two psychologists dismissed the possibility of Asperger's, saying that I couldn't be an Aspie because I seemed to care about my friends, or because I had a boyfriend; they didn't realize that Aspies can experience empathy, can crave social relationships. Then, four weeks ago, I found my roommate after she committed suicide; I came home from university on a mental health withdraw, I started seeing a new psychologist, and entirely by coincidence she was someone who has worked frequently with Aspie young adults and who used to specifically work in Asperger's diagnoses. She immediately recognized those qualities in me, however low on the spectrum I may be. Now I'm just 3 weeks into a productive, structured treatment; I'm learning about myself, I'm recognizing that some of the things I do (like refusing to make social plans with less than a week's notice, or breaking down in a panic, shaking and crying in the middle of a room if something that I was counting on changes - essentially changing my ritual) could possibly be associated with Asperger's, not with me being a ****-up or just unreasonable. And I'm trying to meet people who may understand that.
I'm so sorry this is so inconcise; concise is one thing that I never am. I think in most contexts it's because I'm terrified of being misunderstood, so I clarify everything and provide more background than necessary; today, my failure to be concise is because I'm so desperate to be known. I want someone to know me and to understand. My name is Emily; I'm a musician, a linguist, hopefully a some-day psychiatrist; but what I'm finally learning that I am, is an Aspie.
That said, hello! My name is Emily, I was just diagnosed with Asperger's last Thursday, so aside from watching countless youtube videos, I still know very little. I'd really like to change that, especially because all I know so far are the extremes; I feel like a fake. I've had friendships - far too few and very unhealthy, but friendships nonetheless. I have a boyfriend. I'm excel in my classes, I'm technically functional and I've learned to express both my emotions and my interpretations of the emotions of others; in fact, prior to my diagnosis I'd changed my major to psychology, something I'd wanted to pursue in high school but had decided against due to the price of grad school. I don't feel like I fit here; I don't fit with neurotypicals, but perhaps I'm not Aspie enough to fit among Aspies, either. I want to get to know any in-between that there may be; I want to fit.
More than anything else, I'm tired of being alone. I'm relatively low on the spectrum from what I understand, and the symptoms apply to me so mildly that I feel out of place even presenting myself here... My parents were both from very low-income families, and my mother now teaches in a rather wealthy town, so she was always VERY aware of what was and was not socially acceptable - she'd had to relearn because of her economic status, and even before I could talk she was telling me how a proper lady should behave. Then at the age of 3 I started learning to play the violin, and concerts gave me an even clearer demonstration of expectations; by the time I was in school, I had a very clear understanding of behaviors expected by adults, and though i was awkward and talked endlessly, I wasn't shy or a problem student. I can't claim that Asperger's disrupted my functioning as a student, and I was so oblivious and content in being different that it's affected me more in later life than it ever did initially. From kindergarden through third grade, I usually had at least one friend, generally based around mutual interests; I knew I was different, but I'd decided that "normal" was the worst insult out there, so that was a good thing, right? I lived in books (I remember laughing like authors describe people laughing, rocking back and forth and slapping my knee - that's what book characters do, so surely that's what normal children do too?? Nope..), and had the occasional playdate with kids who were okay with my awkwardness. It wasn't until 4th grade that my differences became a problem; I remember the prank calls from the entire class when they would have a party and not invite me, or the days when kids would move one of the 8 permitted chairs away from the lunch table, certain that I wouldn't dare break the "don't move chairs in the lunch room" rule to be able to sit with them. But even then, my interests allowed me a friend - knitting was probably my first special interest (unless books count, I was reading at least one notably-sized book a day; by first grade I was reading books from 8th grade reading lists without even realizing it), and my friend and I would knit all through class, chatting in pig latin. By 7th grade, though, I'd started to realize that I wasn't picking up on when people were being cruel and when they were being nice; I realized I was snapping at the nice kids and smiling at the ones who were picking on me. I realized people didn't really like me, and I stopped talking. I'd kept in touch with one girl from Kindergarden, with whom I had nothing in common but who had remained a familiar face; with her, I would whisper; with other peers, I only spoke if academically necessary or if addressed. I remained talkative with teachers, but beyond that I learned to look down when I was walking so no one would address me, to always have a book so no one would catch my eyes wandering. I created a fake email address so that I could type up thoughts and feelings and hit send as if to tell someone, so I could pretend I had someone with whom I was close enough to share those thoughts and feelings.
Halfway through 7th grade I made my first real friend - by which I mean the first friend with whom I became emotionally close. From then on, I generally had one extremely close friend, someone with whom I could rely on constant contact, at all times. It's always someone with some mental health worry - being a therapist gives me a structure, a sense of purpose to their lives. I need structure. I can't start a conversation without offering help (my mom learned to send me with cookies if I was going to be interacting with people, as offering around cookies acted as both a bribe and a structure for conversation). Unfortunately, it's also always someone who will take out their anger on me; I've always felt that I am innately unpleasant to talk to and that those who do talk to me are doing me a favor, and if i can count on being sworn at or hit when they're angry or upset, then I feel I'm earning their time. That's one reason I started seeing a psychologist - I know that it's unhealthy and I need to learn to avoid putting myself in those positions.
By 11th grade, all friends had abandoned me. Less-close friends left probably in large part because I wouldn't shut up about French, Spanish, and Latin... now Arabic as well, to a degree. Languages were a definite special interest. As for close friends, one left because I didn't cut myself (I did self harm, but he couldn't see it and I didn't tell. I bruised, so no one would know), and he claimed I therefore didn't need him enough (other friends all cut or even made suicide attempts, what right did I have to his time?). Another left because I was always looking for problems to fix. The last because I wouldn't try drugs, in which i had no interest. It wasn't until October of this year, after 3 years without friends, that I ventured out of my dorm room (after a year and a half of shaking and crying in a panic if my roommates had too many people in the suite, of not getting out of bed unless for work or class) and met someone - an Aspie, who recognized the Aspie in me and encouraged me, despite my constant fears and insecurities, to get help. Two psychologists dismissed the possibility of Asperger's, saying that I couldn't be an Aspie because I seemed to care about my friends, or because I had a boyfriend; they didn't realize that Aspies can experience empathy, can crave social relationships. Then, four weeks ago, I found my roommate after she committed suicide; I came home from university on a mental health withdraw, I started seeing a new psychologist, and entirely by coincidence she was someone who has worked frequently with Aspie young adults and who used to specifically work in Asperger's diagnoses. She immediately recognized those qualities in me, however low on the spectrum I may be. Now I'm just 3 weeks into a productive, structured treatment; I'm learning about myself, I'm recognizing that some of the things I do (like refusing to make social plans with less than a week's notice, or breaking down in a panic, shaking and crying in the middle of a room if something that I was counting on changes - essentially changing my ritual) could possibly be associated with Asperger's, not with me being a ****-up or just unreasonable. And I'm trying to meet people who may understand that.
I'm so sorry this is so inconcise; concise is one thing that I never am. I think in most contexts it's because I'm terrified of being misunderstood, so I clarify everything and provide more background than necessary; today, my failure to be concise is because I'm so desperate to be known. I want someone to know me and to understand. My name is Emily; I'm a musician, a linguist, hopefully a some-day psychiatrist; but what I'm finally learning that I am, is an Aspie.
