LittleDeer
Well-Known Member
Hey there everyone. I heard about this forum watching a video on Youtube and figured I would join to try to get some help and support. I apologize in advance, but this will probably end up being very long. I tend to write novels when I talk to others online.
I'm Kylie, I'm 21, (I identify as genderfluid, but I am biologically female) and I am not diagnosed, but I very very firmly believe that I have Asperger's Syndrome. I have thought this in the past, but kind of brushed it off. Over time, I have noticed more and more things about myself that really make me believe I do have Asperger's. I have always felt different and had a lot of trouble with social interaction, reading people, sensitivity, etc. to the point where I have suffered from depression, anxiety, and panic attacks for many years now. I think at least part of the problem is that I have never really known what was wrong with me, but have always felt I had something wrong with me and needed to figure it out to get help. The only diagnoses I ever really got was for my anxiety and depression. Even though I have a number of other problems that were just brushed aside by my doctor and counselor.
A few days ago I was talking to someone I had just met online who happens to be diagnosed with Asperger's, and he stopped me in conversation and asked if I had ever thought I may have Asperger's. Apparently the way I talk about things and interact, even online, made him think that I do. At this point I have barely slept in three days because I have been sitting in my room researching Asperger's Syndrome and Autism Spectrum Disorders. And just the fact that I have been so focused on researching it is a red flag to me. Again, I apologize for the length of this, but I figure if this is an introduction, it would make sense to really introduce myself in depth as far as my probable Asperger's diagnoses goes.
I have always been very sensitive to sights (light especially), sounds, smells, and textures. More recently I have completely stopped eating meat besides fish because I can't handle the texture of any meat besides fish anymore. I have always been very very easily startled by sounds, and being startled will literally ruin my entire day sometimes. I don't like loud noises either, unless its my music with the volume up high. There are some sounds that I absolutely cannot tolerate, though. I also don't like going outside during the day because sunlight feels like its piercing into me. Like I feel almost as if I can hear it. And it becomes unbearable in just a short time. I also hate being touched besides hugging friends (when I initiate it) and things like massages. Other types of touch are really irritating to me, and sometimes even give me a sort of jolt, and I'll flinch at them.
I also almost never make eye contact with people. If I do make eye contact with someone I get dizzy and sort of get tunnel vision, and I absolutely cannot process what they are saying 90% of the time. I am able to briefly make eye contact with friends, but I will usually lose my train of thought if I do, or completely miss what they just said. Though I frequently miss what other people say regardless and have to ask them to repeat things several times sometimes. My parents always yelled at me for doing that growing up, but there wasn't much I could do about it. It got to a point where sometimes I just pretend I heard what was said the first time when I really didn't.
I also really prefer to be alone. I do like being around people, but only sometimes on carefully planned occasions, and usually only with one person, maybe two if I'm feeling good that day. I get really stressed if another person is added during hang out sessions, though, and usually will retreat into my mind unless I know the other person well.
I have also started to notice little things I do, like tapping or flicking my fingers if I'm anxious or thinking. I have always sort of rapidly shook my right leg, especially when laying down or sitting at a desk (I thought It was Restless Legs Syndrome, but at this point I really don't think it is.) I also rock back and forth a lot when I watch movies or videos, or when I stress out. When I listen to music I sort of play air keyboard with my fingers on one or both hands (I only do this when I am alone because I don't really pay attention to what I'm doing when I'm alone.) I also have a sound I make a lot that's kind of a sucking noise while biting my lip. I usually catch myself when I do it around people and immediately stop, but Its an impulse I get often, and do often when I'm by myself.
I also do something that may or may not be a type of echolalia where I will repeat certain things I have heard someone else say, or in youtube videos, or in movies. Not always immediately after hearing them. For example, I started saying "Its time to call it a night" when I am hanging out with someone and want to go home, because one of my friends always says that and I sort of picked it up and say it without even thinking now. I also often repeat lines from songs randomly, as well as movie quotes. One of the ones I say a lot is "Goodness Glaciers" (which is a quote from The Pebble and the Penguin) but that one I don't always say with a context, and sometimes say it multiple times. I am aware I am saying it, and I do know it probably sounds silly, especially when I say it multiple times, but its an urge I get and I feel like I need to say it almost. I do not repeat questions people ask me, though, or things people say immediately after they say them. So I don't know if this is really echolalia.
I also go through phases where for an entire week-month I will be completely focusing my free time on a specific subject. Last month it was rabbits (because I have a pet rabbit and suddenly became really interested in learning about rabbit behavior and such, so I spent day after day watching videos and reading pages on websites nonstop until I eventually had enough and moved onto my next thing. The month, maybe two months before that I was obsessed with aquariums and keeping Betta fish and other Tropical fish (and ended up with five Betta fish and several other fish because of it, which I don't regret in any way). And now it seems my focus has switched to researching Asperger's and Autism.
Other things that may or may not be related are the fact that I have a lot of trouble sleeping because my mind doesn't stop as well as the fact that I toss and turn and it takes me a long time to get comfortable. I'm very sensitive to both heat and cold, too, so that makes it difficult. I usually try to make my room cold so I can regulate my warmth with blankets without overheating. And I can't sleep without a blanket. I am also completely unable to sleep anywhere but in my own bed. I also do things that seem more like Obsessive Compulsions, like keeping the food on my plate all separated, or picking scabs (obsessively, though it has gotten better recently). I also have a terrible time with adjusting to changes. Like changes in my schedule, or thinks like the transition from being awake to being asleep or vice versa. I even have a great deal of trouble getting in and out of water. I generally really do not want to get into pools or even the shower, but I eventually will force myself in, and once I'm in I really do not like the thought of getting out. I don't know if its just that the change in sensation bothers me, or if its just that fact that it is a transition. I also have terrible short term memory, but much better long term memory. I also tend to pace a lot, and when I do I tend to have conversations in my head, or plan out future conversations, or repeat previous conversations, or even just sing to myself in my head over and over again, usually the same single line of a song.
I'm not sure if any of that jumbled mess even made any sort of sense. I hope it did. I'm just quite frustrated and distressed by the fact that I have never been able to figure out why I feel so strange and different than everyone else and am excited by the fact that I may have figured it out.
I also hope it doesn't offend anyone that I am self-diagnosed. I know its not a real diagnosis, but I really believe that this is exactly what I have. I have talked to a couple of my close friends about it and they seem to agree with me (one of them is familiar with Asperger's and Autism himself, so he understands it more than my other friend, but both are supportive and trying to help me along with trying to figure this out.) I would love to hear what you guys on here, think, though.
I know I have already apologized twice, but I just feel the need to apologize one more time for the length of this post and kind of bombarding you with all this information, I always feel bad when I send people these huge messages online, but I tend to do it almost always.
Thank you guys for reading. Looking forward to meeting you and reading what you have to say about all this.
I'm Kylie, I'm 21, (I identify as genderfluid, but I am biologically female) and I am not diagnosed, but I very very firmly believe that I have Asperger's Syndrome. I have thought this in the past, but kind of brushed it off. Over time, I have noticed more and more things about myself that really make me believe I do have Asperger's. I have always felt different and had a lot of trouble with social interaction, reading people, sensitivity, etc. to the point where I have suffered from depression, anxiety, and panic attacks for many years now. I think at least part of the problem is that I have never really known what was wrong with me, but have always felt I had something wrong with me and needed to figure it out to get help. The only diagnoses I ever really got was for my anxiety and depression. Even though I have a number of other problems that were just brushed aside by my doctor and counselor.
A few days ago I was talking to someone I had just met online who happens to be diagnosed with Asperger's, and he stopped me in conversation and asked if I had ever thought I may have Asperger's. Apparently the way I talk about things and interact, even online, made him think that I do. At this point I have barely slept in three days because I have been sitting in my room researching Asperger's Syndrome and Autism Spectrum Disorders. And just the fact that I have been so focused on researching it is a red flag to me. Again, I apologize for the length of this, but I figure if this is an introduction, it would make sense to really introduce myself in depth as far as my probable Asperger's diagnoses goes.
I have always been very sensitive to sights (light especially), sounds, smells, and textures. More recently I have completely stopped eating meat besides fish because I can't handle the texture of any meat besides fish anymore. I have always been very very easily startled by sounds, and being startled will literally ruin my entire day sometimes. I don't like loud noises either, unless its my music with the volume up high. There are some sounds that I absolutely cannot tolerate, though. I also don't like going outside during the day because sunlight feels like its piercing into me. Like I feel almost as if I can hear it. And it becomes unbearable in just a short time. I also hate being touched besides hugging friends (when I initiate it) and things like massages. Other types of touch are really irritating to me, and sometimes even give me a sort of jolt, and I'll flinch at them.
I also almost never make eye contact with people. If I do make eye contact with someone I get dizzy and sort of get tunnel vision, and I absolutely cannot process what they are saying 90% of the time. I am able to briefly make eye contact with friends, but I will usually lose my train of thought if I do, or completely miss what they just said. Though I frequently miss what other people say regardless and have to ask them to repeat things several times sometimes. My parents always yelled at me for doing that growing up, but there wasn't much I could do about it. It got to a point where sometimes I just pretend I heard what was said the first time when I really didn't.
I also really prefer to be alone. I do like being around people, but only sometimes on carefully planned occasions, and usually only with one person, maybe two if I'm feeling good that day. I get really stressed if another person is added during hang out sessions, though, and usually will retreat into my mind unless I know the other person well.
I have also started to notice little things I do, like tapping or flicking my fingers if I'm anxious or thinking. I have always sort of rapidly shook my right leg, especially when laying down or sitting at a desk (I thought It was Restless Legs Syndrome, but at this point I really don't think it is.) I also rock back and forth a lot when I watch movies or videos, or when I stress out. When I listen to music I sort of play air keyboard with my fingers on one or both hands (I only do this when I am alone because I don't really pay attention to what I'm doing when I'm alone.) I also have a sound I make a lot that's kind of a sucking noise while biting my lip. I usually catch myself when I do it around people and immediately stop, but Its an impulse I get often, and do often when I'm by myself.
I also do something that may or may not be a type of echolalia where I will repeat certain things I have heard someone else say, or in youtube videos, or in movies. Not always immediately after hearing them. For example, I started saying "Its time to call it a night" when I am hanging out with someone and want to go home, because one of my friends always says that and I sort of picked it up and say it without even thinking now. I also often repeat lines from songs randomly, as well as movie quotes. One of the ones I say a lot is "Goodness Glaciers" (which is a quote from The Pebble and the Penguin) but that one I don't always say with a context, and sometimes say it multiple times. I am aware I am saying it, and I do know it probably sounds silly, especially when I say it multiple times, but its an urge I get and I feel like I need to say it almost. I do not repeat questions people ask me, though, or things people say immediately after they say them. So I don't know if this is really echolalia.
I also go through phases where for an entire week-month I will be completely focusing my free time on a specific subject. Last month it was rabbits (because I have a pet rabbit and suddenly became really interested in learning about rabbit behavior and such, so I spent day after day watching videos and reading pages on websites nonstop until I eventually had enough and moved onto my next thing. The month, maybe two months before that I was obsessed with aquariums and keeping Betta fish and other Tropical fish (and ended up with five Betta fish and several other fish because of it, which I don't regret in any way). And now it seems my focus has switched to researching Asperger's and Autism.
Other things that may or may not be related are the fact that I have a lot of trouble sleeping because my mind doesn't stop as well as the fact that I toss and turn and it takes me a long time to get comfortable. I'm very sensitive to both heat and cold, too, so that makes it difficult. I usually try to make my room cold so I can regulate my warmth with blankets without overheating. And I can't sleep without a blanket. I am also completely unable to sleep anywhere but in my own bed. I also do things that seem more like Obsessive Compulsions, like keeping the food on my plate all separated, or picking scabs (obsessively, though it has gotten better recently). I also have a terrible time with adjusting to changes. Like changes in my schedule, or thinks like the transition from being awake to being asleep or vice versa. I even have a great deal of trouble getting in and out of water. I generally really do not want to get into pools or even the shower, but I eventually will force myself in, and once I'm in I really do not like the thought of getting out. I don't know if its just that the change in sensation bothers me, or if its just that fact that it is a transition. I also have terrible short term memory, but much better long term memory. I also tend to pace a lot, and when I do I tend to have conversations in my head, or plan out future conversations, or repeat previous conversations, or even just sing to myself in my head over and over again, usually the same single line of a song.
I'm not sure if any of that jumbled mess even made any sort of sense. I hope it did. I'm just quite frustrated and distressed by the fact that I have never been able to figure out why I feel so strange and different than everyone else and am excited by the fact that I may have figured it out.
I also hope it doesn't offend anyone that I am self-diagnosed. I know its not a real diagnosis, but I really believe that this is exactly what I have. I have talked to a couple of my close friends about it and they seem to agree with me (one of them is familiar with Asperger's and Autism himself, so he understands it more than my other friend, but both are supportive and trying to help me along with trying to figure this out.) I would love to hear what you guys on here, think, though.
I know I have already apologized twice, but I just feel the need to apologize one more time for the length of this post and kind of bombarding you with all this information, I always feel bad when I send people these huge messages online, but I tend to do it almost always.
Thank you guys for reading. Looking forward to meeting you and reading what you have to say about all this.
