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Help...trying to differentiate asperger's behaviors vs. child behaviors

S

smc81

Member
Hi everyone. I'm writing this for some help and understanding. My girlfriend of about a year has a recent 7 year old with aspergers and ADHD. Being I've never had a child, I know I'm at a disadvantage and the fact he has aspergers and ADHD makes it pretty hard. I'm having a problem and a few disagreements with my girlfriend. She says 99% of his behaviors are all related to aspergers/ADHD. However, I have noticed also that she pretty much babies him and he easily manipulates her. Don't get me wrong she's a great mom and I want to have a family with both of them. But, I get shutdown if I mention anything about it. Which, I can understand, since after all what do I know about raising a kid right?

1. He has severe separation anxiety and she can't even go to the bathroom alone. I have seem him literally wet himself, because she wouldn't go with him. He comes running in the room every night and I usually end up getting kicked out of the bed or not sleeping well. We get no alone time for anything, I mean I can't even talk to her for 5 minutes without him following us everywhere.

2. He's rude, selfish, self-centered, and blames everyone for his mistakes. He acts like everyone is his servant, which I can understand since he's 7 after all.

I do love both of them and he's very affectionate and tells me he loves me all the time. His real father isn't around, so I'm sure some that affects him as well.

I'm more of a hold him accountable for his actions, correct him on the spot, and make him do things on his own (ie: clean, dress himself, etc...) I was in the Military, so that's probably a little why I'm like that, but nothing over bearing.

She on the other hand does everything for him 95% of the time. I'm told he can't comprehend to dress himself, find his shoes, tie his laces, etc... I have seen him do these things numerous times alone or with some help/guidance from me.

He's deathly afraid of water. We all just got back from vacation. He wanted to go snorkeling very badly. There were only two spots and he wanted me to take him. So, I did and the day was a disaster, he had a panic attack, screamed he was drowning, and basically choked me from freaking out. Then had a huge meltdown, when I tried talking to him about maybe doing this another day. So, we tried again same outcome. He felt extremely upset and bad about it. I see the will there for him to try and overcome his fear and said we should try to overcome his fear, but again his mom was against it just like well he can't help his sensory issue and might not ever get over it.

Again, I love both of them, but I'm just confused. She gets extremely defensive if I say anything. I know the stimmimg, selfishness, social awkwardness, sensory issues, and limited interests are part of aspergers. However, at the same time I feel since she basically has/does spoil and baby him it's made it worse.

I'm hoping if anyone can help with some pointers or personal experiences.

Thanks.

Please excuse any typos or improper grammar. I'm writing this on my cell, which also has a broken screen.
 
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Firstly, welcome :)

That does seem like a tight bind to be in. I've not had any children either, but I'm a self-diagnosed aspie. From my own personal experiences, an aspies does need a lot of care, and understanding, but I do agree that perhaps he is not being set any boundaries, or being allowed to grow as a person. This could easily lead to some complications for him, as an adult. It's unfortunate, that your girlfriend is unable to allow you to even discuss the matter; this raises a red flag, in my mind. I would generally recommend talking to a professional, but I sense this might be out of the question.

I hope you find some kind of a solution
 
I don't think one should force any kid into water who has that degree of fear about it. Sure, something can be said for "facing one's fears". but the fearful person has to be at least willing to face those fears, not totally forced into it.
As far as him dressing himself, you are probably right about him being perfectly capable of it (at age seven!) by himself. I don't think that issue is related to Aspergers at all.
I've been a teacher in an Elementary school. While it is true that sometimes kids don't do what the adult wants, it's not true that most seven year olds are rude, blame other people for their mistakes, or treat others like their servants.
The fact that he has so much affection for you, despite your comparative strictness, says something good both about you and about him.
It seems the main issue here is communication and cooperation between you and your girlfriend. UNfortunately, I'm not the best person to give advice on that.
 
From my own childhood experiences I was in a similar situation when I was his age. My parents were divorced when I was 2 and around 6-7 my mother had a full time boyfriend who later became my stepfather. The only major difference being this was the 80's and I was not diagnosed with aspergers at the time.

From much of what you describe mirrors my behaviors at that age. I was very clingy to my mother, and while I could go to the bathroom by myself, if there was a big storm I couldn't and sometimes ended in wetting my pants. I also would wake up in the middle of the night and run to my moms bed. The only difference is again , I was not diagnosed, so my behaviors were frowned upon and not understood.

When my stepfather moved in he convinced my mother to stop my odd behaviors. This had a very detrimental effect to not only my well being, but also to the relationship with my mother and stepfather to this day (I am 35). I understand she needs to help him gain independence. His behaviors may be from aspergers, but that does not mean he is helpless and can't grow as a person. There needs to be a balance, and I would try to get a professional to help. When my mother suddenly stopped letting me in her room in the middle of the night, forced me to eat food I could not bare, and basically over night expected me to be independent, I resented my stepfather. I did not feel more independent, I felt more alone. Not being able to run to my moms room did not make me stay in my own, I instead would end up sleeping on the cold kitchen floor next to the dog for comfort. Being told I could not leave the table till I ate what I could not eat did not make me eat it, it just meant I was stuck sitting there for 3-4 hours till my mom gave up. I started being bullied in school a couple years later, and this made me think about suicide a lot.

I know every one is different, and my experience is my own. I just want you to know pushing too hard can have as just as bad an effect on the child as coddling him. My advice would be, since he says he loves you, is to be his friend and father figure. Lead him by your example. Soon, if not already, he is going to know he is different. He is going to want guidance. Never assume because he is smart that he understands common expectations. Make change slowly.

One idea that springs to mind is maybe to have a sleeping bag on the floor in your girlfriends room, so he can still be with his mom if he gets scared at night. His mom needs to explain why, and even if you not there keep to that rule. Otherwise he is just going to think your taking his place. Then over time (as long as possible) try rewarding him for staying in his bed so many nights a week, but don't punish him if he fails that goal.
 
My preliminary guess is that he is way too babied. If the girlfriend is willing, I'd suggest some gradual and patient encouragement to start doing some things on his own, like the shoe laces. Best of wishes to you, most boyfriends get put through a kind of hazing process for a year or so to prove that they'll stick around and that they're responsible enough the mom is content to let them be a parent.

If he still wants to learn to swim and play in water, perhaps he needs to start off in very shallow water. Like one or two feet deep? Something he can't drown in unless he just flat-out lays down on his back and stays there. Then gradually deepen the water he's taken to. I'm not sure where you're at, but during the summer a creek would be great. There's one near us that's only a few inches deep, except for a crevice that's about two-three feet deep. If you've got something like that nearby, especially if the water is clear, he might can start out there. If it's just a fear of the unknown, he should be fine in time. If it's a full-blown phobia, I'd teach him to take showers at an early age.
 
Saragrl said:
From my own childhood experiences I was in a similar situation when I was his age. My parents were divorced when I was 2 and around 6-7 my mother had a full time boyfriend who later became my stepfather. The only major difference being this was the 80's and I was not diagnosed with aspergers at the time.

From much of what you describe mirrors my behaviors at that age. I was very clingy to my mother, and while I could go to the bathroom by myself, if there was a big storm I couldn't and sometimes ended in wetting my pants. I also would wake up in the middle of the night and run to my moms bed. The only difference is again , I was not diagnosed, so my behaviors were frowned upon and not understood.

When my stepfather moved in he convinced my mother to stop my odd behaviors. This had a very detrimental effect to not only my well being, but also to the relationship with my mother and stepfather to this day (I am 35). I understand she needs to help him gain independence. His behaviors may be from aspergers, but that does not mean he is helpless and can't grow as a person. There needs to be a balance, and I would try to get a professional to help. When my mother suddenly stopped letting me in her room in the middle of the night, forced me to eat food I could not bare, and basically over night expected me to be independent, I resented my stepfather. I did not feel more independent, I felt more alone. Not being able to run to my moms room did not make me stay in my own, I instead would end up sleeping on the cold kitchen floor next to the dog for comfort. Being told I could not leave the table till I ate what I could not eat did not make me eat it, it just meant I was stuck sitting there for 3-4 hours till my mom gave up. I started being bullied in school a couple years later, and this made me think about suicide a lot.

I know every one is different, and my experience is my own. I just want you to know pushing too hard can have as just as bad an effect on the child as coddling him. My advice would be, since he says he loves you, is to be his friend and father figure. Lead him by your example. Soon, if not already, he is going to know he is different. He is going to want guidance. Never assume because he is smart that he understands common expectations. Make change slowly.

One idea that springs to mind is maybe to have a sleeping bag on the floor in your girlfriends room, so he can still be with his mom if he gets scared at night. His mom needs to explain why, and even if you not there keep to that rule. Otherwise he is just going to think your taking his place. Then over time (as long as possible) try rewarding him for staying in his bed so many nights a week, but don't punish him if he fails that goal.
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Saragrl, I like the fact that your response is based on your own experience. Maybe you would agree with me that some change might be good for this kid..but not too much too soon-keeping change only in small quantities-he shouldn't be expected to suddenly become independent over night?
 
I'm an aspie, and so is my 6 year old son. My husband and I disagree over how to approach his sensory and independence issues ALL the time. I probably fall into the camp of being a little too soft, while my husband can be quite harsh. What I've found works for us is trying to discuss these things before they come up, or away from a specific event, when things have calmed down.

My son has toileting issues, and I take a very 'softly softly' approach to it as I know he has huge sensory issues around it, and that he gets embarrassed. My husband however, would sometimes be quite rude if an accident happened. We talked about it, and decided on a strategy that was sort of a combination of the two approaches, but chiefly based on actions and consequences. If you do this thing, then this will happen. That way my son understands the processes of the things he has trouble with, and can make his own choice as to how he deals with it, when presented with several possible outcomes for different actions.

It sounds to me like communication will be the key for you and your girlfriend, and that talking about it during a calm time would be best. I know that's often easier said than done, and it seems from your original post that your gf isn't keen to chat about it, but in the long run having a consistent and stable environment will be the best thing for her son.
 
Also, and this may sound harsh, you've got a lot less to bargain with in this situation, and for good reason. Your gf knows her son best, and that knowledge needs to be respected too. The trouble is, us mums often err on the side of safety, and as a result we can hinder progress, even ever so slightly, which in the end isn't that helpful, but is just more of a delay than anything really harmful. It's such a delicate situation, I wish you the best of luck.
 
This may also sound harsh (sorry)

Read read read. Learn about the difficulties your girlfriends son Is experiencing.
Have you ever been that anxious that you have wet yourself?
Doesn't military upbringing teach you respect?
A mothers child is always going to come before you
If its easier to tie his shoelaces then tie them. Make his life as comfortable as you can.
Sorry again if this seems harsh
 
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I was strongly suggest, from personal experience of having Aspergers, that you do not abruptly force too many changes (or even a single 'big' one) at once..

I personally rely so heavily on routine that suddenly changing things can cause a dramatic meltdown. It's advisable that things that need to be changed, because they are bad for the individual or impact those around the individual, are done slowly.

I would also STRONGLY suggest getting professional help for your girlfriends son. Give him the opportunity to live a fulfilling life by enabling him with the right tools early. I wasn't given these tools until this year (at 31) and I recognise that life could have been so much easier for me and those around me if I had've had these tools a long time ago.

Best of luck.
 
Here's the deal. A lot of what you describe looks like Autism or AS but it doesn't mean a parent can't try to teach the kind of behavior a child can benefit from in the future. It's true for any child, not just for kids with Autism. Children with Autism can struggle a lot and they may develop behaviors that appear normal to them and that may help them to deal with challenges but some behaviours can be damaging and can prevent them from reaching their potential. A simple example. Potty training. Some people don't think it's essential to train a child if it's hard. And there may be cases when a person can't be trained because of some underlying condition but, I believe, most kids with Autism can be trained. It may be very hard and nerve-wracking to train a child with Autism. But if you put your mind to it, it's possible. The same goes for any other behavior that has or may potentially have negative impact on a child's life or on lives of others. One thing you can never do with a child with Autism or any disability or disorder is to baby them. And again, this is just my personal opinion. Every parent decides for themselves what to do with their children...
 
I'm brand new here, have only done an introduction post, but have 12 years of experience with an ASD/ADHD child.

I understand the issues you are having here. This is something my husband and I struggle with. We look to our son's counselor to help us decipher what is age-appropriate behavior versus what is behavior that is related to his diagnoses.

For self-care, our 12-year-old can't tie his shoes well enough to keep them tied and still needs helps with buttons and zippers sometimes. He just doesn't have the motor skills to do these things well yet. (His handwriting is atrocious!) It gets better each year, but it's a matter of waiting for his hands to catch up with the rest of him. In the meantime, we buy and arrange clothes that are easier for him to manage on his own in order to make him as independent as possible.

Toileting can be anxiety-producing. It seems odd, I know, but that just comes with the territory.

Anxiety, in general, comes with the territory.

Rudeness, blaming, etc., is hard to decipher. That's where our counselor is most helpful! For our son, it usually happens when he's in defense mode, when he feels he is being attacked by people (even though it's often a result of misperception or misunderstanding on his part).

One thing we learned from his early childhood is that he doesn't respond to discipline the same way that other kids do. The more that people try to box him in and use strict discipline to change his behavior, the worse the outcome. He gets very frustrated and angry and has huge outbursts. It all just confuses him (even the outbursts). We get much better outcomes by using preventative measures, remaining calm, and keeping expectations real (which we get outside help with).

One of the things I have also had to learn is to back off and let go sometimes, because as his mom I want desperately to make his hard life a little easier for him, to take away some of the frustration he feels, and this sets him back. Having this come from my husband was hurtful and divisive, but hearing this from my son's counselor made perfect sense and sounded like great advice.

We have had our parenting judged in all sorts of ways, and it can be terribly isolating as an adult. Finding some outside guidance can give reassurances to both of you about the choices you make while getting the support you need for having a child who doesn't, sometimes can't, conform to expectations placed on him.
 
I would like to say that my husband says the same thing about our son that he is a spoiled brat and so on. I had to fight just get him tested by a specialist it took till my son was 12 till he got a diagnosis, by then i stopped asking and just did it. My son sounds exactly the same as yours. They are not spoiled they have to be treated differently. My son cannot, since he was a baby, have water on his face, yes he will screem. He is different from you do not mistake this.
My son slept in my room for years, he has a phobia of the dark, no i did not encourage him to do this, i tried everything to get him to sleep in his own room. He would sleep out side our room then just sneaked in later in the night. This happened until he hit about 11/12 years old thats when he got a diagnosis and they put him on an-anxiety pills and sleeping pills. He now can sleep on his own. He used to cry every night that he cant go on like this, him being terrified of the dark now its calmed down alot. I saw a picture once i believe from 20/20 or 60min or something they showed a brain with aspergers and a brain like ours. The aspergers brain had more parts of the brain being used. Which means their sensors like touch, see, hear etc. are on overdrive. They cant block out what we can. The squeaking of a marker on paper drives my son insane. Light can be distracting and annoying. The night is to overwhelming. I suggest you do research on aspergers before you judge someone different from you. He will never act like you no matter how much you want it. He is different and you have to accept it. The mother knows whats to be done and how to do it. I suggest to back off her before you those them.
 
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