Help a daughter of someone with Aspergers

[nat]

Hello,
My family and I are convinced that my father has Aspergers, and if he does not he is in the spectrum. He shows all the signs, and then some. What I need help on is...

How can we convince him to be diagnosed?
How can we convince him to go to therapy?
How can we clearly convey our emotions to him?
Would someone be willing to have an online chat with him to help him?

I may sound insensitive, but believe me I am not. He is the nicest, most well meaning person I have ever met, but I cannot deal with him any longer. He is deep in denial, and he also eats to deal with emotional issues. His parents tried all forms of therapy for him when he was younger, but no one has ever gotten though to him, he is off in la-la land. We really love him, but it has come to a point where we are considering leaving him, but we all know deep down inside that he cannot care for himself, and will probably end up homeless, or even.. dead. He does not understand why people react negatively to things he does, and when he doesn't understand, he gets angry, and he ends up screaming, and verbally abusing me. I cannot take it any longer, and have contemplated suicide. A daughter should not have to fight to love her dad, but I have been for years. Please, please, PLEASE help if you can.

Thank you so much

 

[kneeproblemguy]

Hi nat you ask us or someone here to help you with your Dad. But I sense even you need some help?

I saw your online chat with IcontainMultitudes and like him I don't trust that I can help your Dad either.
I am even rather pessimistic about helping you because all such have to come from people you trust
and from within yourself. I mean I am a complete stranger to you so you have trust your own resources. Friends!

I cannot take it any longer, and have contemplated suicide.
A daughter should not have to fight to love her dad, but I have been for years.
Please, please, PLEASE help if you can.

To me that sounds like you need help to cope.
My sister had that situation and I just fled from it.

My Dad also got very upset and screamed at people.
I doubt one can do much.

I can only guess I have no education or even informal experience of
giving such help but based on my own personal experiences and of
living with two GFs and having male friends I trust that one seldom
manage to help others if one are not inline with their inner motivation.

Sure one can try some intervention tactics. Like surprising mirroring or such
but I trust one will only have success if one have great knowledge doing such.

So I would give priority to your own well being first. You have to get people
that support that you feel good in life. Dad has to take care of himself.

That doesn't mean you have to totally detach at all only set priorities.
You have to give your self some kind slack and not be the "good daughter"

Give yourself rewards. Do things that makes you feel good. Listen to good music,
dance go to movies meet friends and get an emotional break from the "obligations"
you feel you have to live up to.

Re your Dad and "therapy". Asperger is not treatable with any therapy. Mild depression can be
His lack of anger management can be treatable if he has inner motivation to search such help.

But as you say. He is is deep denial. Then only a "surprise" kind of therapy would help him.

Such can only be done by someone very good at "manipulating" him to get aware of how him
come through to everybody else.

But based on my own experience of such therapy it is rather dangerous if his bad behavior is
his desperate ways to not get aware of how severely serious the situation is. He can go deep
into depression when he get aware of how he really is behaving.

Now one can not base ones take on others based on oneself but if he is like me then he will get
very sad when he realize how it really is with him. I went into a depression that I still have not
been able to come out of.

So it is not easy at all to give you help. I would prefer you gave yourself a break from the felt
obligation to be the good daughter and for a while concentrate on you feeling good about yourself
and then out from that strength and will help from friends and relatives all of you together could
maybe kindly step by step make him more and more aware in a pace that not tear him apart get a grip.

Hope my childish words can be read from a positive perspective. It is not easy to interpret words
and to respond in a way that satisfy you. You are caught in an emotional turmoil and words from
outside can sound totally missing the point so see my word as a friendly gesture only. I have no
real insight only me wild guessing based on what you wrote but filtered trough my system

 

[Geordie]

To me, a diagnosis at his age will be more helpful than not - why not?

But if the diagnosis harms more than helps people, I hope the doctors don't diagnose at all

 

[kasmanaft08]

I'm a bit unclear as to why you want him to get a diagnosis so bad, or go to therapy for Aspberger's? The only time I would suggest this if he is depressed, anxious or having some serious problems as a result of it. If that's the case, I'd suggest tackling that issue first. However, if you're seeking a "cure" for his personality, I don't think that's a healthy or reasonable option. Aspberger's, in my opinion, is rather harmless on it's own, provided there arent any serious "side issues". Why do you suspect Aspberger's, by the way?

But I think it's a bit more concerning that you contemplated suicide. I suggest that you talking to a therapist would be a better option, at least at first. They can give you constructive advice on what's appropriate for you and help you deal with things better. Perhaps they can sneak in a little group therapy later on, which may help in communication issues. Since I don't know your situation in detail or personally, that's really the best advice I can give.

As far as his emotions, conveying them cleary and calmly is key. It's quite easy for us to get overwhelmed and uncomfortable in dramatic situations or situations with a lot of vague pressure. If he doesn't understand why everyone else is upset, that's probably a good sign of some miscommunication. Whenever I got to the point of scremaing or saying something harsh, it was because I felt pushed into a corner or the argument hit some sort of infinite loop. It's very literally a flight-or-fight- response. Mostly happened when I felt I wasn't listened to or I felt things were blown up out of proportion. But it depends on the situation and person, as well...

I noticed that you asked for more personal help on the chatbox, if you couldn't find anyone to talk to, you're welcome to PM me. I'm not sure what I can do, exactly, but if you want some more insight I'll try to help out.

Some reading may be beneficial (Tony Atwood's Complete Guide to Aspberger's Syndrome is rather good) for some insight and advice as well.

Regardless, best of luck to you both.

 

[142857]

You say that your father's parents tried all forms of therapy when he was younger? My best guess would be that this involved some very negative experiences for your father, and perhaps explains why he has such an aversion to diagnosis and treatment now. I know that my father always had an intense hatred of psychiatrists, although I never learned why. I doubt that my father was an aspie (autism seems to run in my mother's side of our family), but he certainly had a plethora of mental problems.

You shouldn't have to put up with verbal abuse from your father, and IMO you would be justified in leaving him if he makes no effort to change, or to get help to change. Staying with someone like that and hoping that they will get better must be soul-destroying for you, and achieves nothing.

In terms of how to convey your emotions to him, you will need to tell him in words how you are feeling. If he is on the spectrum then he is unlikely to understand otherwise.

 

[AshleyT]

Hello,
My family and I are convinced that my father has Aspergers, and if he does not he is in the spectrum. He shows all the signs, and then some. What I need help on is...

How can we convince him to be diagnosed?
How can we convince him to go to therapy?
How can we clearly convey our emotions to him?
Would someone be willing to have an online chat with him to help him?

I may sound insensitive, but believe me I am not. He is the nicest, most well meaning person I have ever met, but I cannot deal with him any longer. He is deep in denial, and he also eats to deal with emotional issues. His parents tried all forms of therapy for him when he was younger, but no one has ever gotten though to him, he is off in la-la land. We really love him, but it has come to a point where we are considering leaving him, but we all know deep down inside that he cannot care for himself, and will probably end up homeless, or even.. dead. He does not understand why people react negatively to things he does, and when he doesn't understand, he gets angry, and he ends up screaming, and verbally abusing me. I cannot take it any longer, and have contemplated suicide. A daughter should not have to fight to love her dad, but I have been for years. Please, please, PLEASE help if you can.

Thank you so much

A lot of people if you tell them they have Aspergers/ASD/ADHD will be quite defensive. To them, you are telling them there is perhaps something wrong with them, so they will not listen. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot force it to drink.

I am curious of how all this stress has come about however? If you all know he has Aspergers and can understand his behaviour and accept him, why all this stress to force him to be diagnosed?