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Hello!

M

M1llion

New Member
Hello everyone. My name is Dan. I'm not on the spectrum myself, but I'm here to learn how to support my girlfriend with her Asperger's. We've been friends for 4 years and we just took the "next" step in December. I just want to know how to support her and make her happy. She's been really distant this last week and she finally told me that she doesn't feel like she's going to be able to make me happy, because of past relationships, and I want to know what I can do to calm her down and reassure her, now and in the future.

I know Asperger's isn't a blanket diagnosis and everyone is different, but I want to hear from people with experience, so I can hopefully avoid doing too much and triggering another bumpy patch. Thank you.
 
One possibility for long term results might be to just hold her in your arms and ask about difficult times she's had with people. Mostly listen and prompt. Answer the "whys?" if you can, but don't feel responsible for fixing anything.
 
I know from past talks with her, I know her ex husband basically told her to "suck it up..you've got kids to raise" and then he abandoned them... completely
 
I am NT who dates ASD man, and I must say that I wouldn't even start dating him if I didn't know that he is the one who wants to work on himself and his issues. In half a year I knew him i saw how he chose to go to the therapist, started working on his horrible self-esteem and constant guilt, learned to say no, started clearing abusive people from his life etc. I was helping him as well, but it was because I saw that he is a man who wants to get better, to be better, and then I understood that i can move our friendship into sometning more, if he wants that as well.
He was in sexually and mentally abusive relationship before, so at one point he started thinking that he was asexual. Of course he isn't, he just needed help and understand himself.

If she doesn't feel that she will make you happy, then she should do something to change that, she needs to work on her own mental health, and you need to be there to help her, not to fix her. She needs to choose to fix herself.
 
She told me last night that, if she didn't care for me as much as she does, she'd be "meh" about it. But because of how I make her feel about herself, she's scared to death of hurting me. She also told me that I'm the only person who makes her want to figure herself out. She's working on herself, but I want to know if there's anything I can do to help
 
M1llion said:
I know from past talks with her, I know her ex husband basically told her to "suck it up..you've got kids to raise" and then he abandoned them... completely
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Even with a non-aspie, if that reminds her of similar abandonments, you may get tested a few times before she can let herself trust again.
 
M1llion said:
Hello everyone. My name is Dan. I'm not on the spectrum myself, but I'm here to learn how to support my girlfriend with her Asperger's. We've been friends for 4 years and we just took the "next" step in December. I just want to know how to support her and make her happy. She's been really distant this last week and she finally told me that she doesn't feel like she's going to be able to make me happy, because of past relationships, and I want to know what I can do to calm her down and reassure her, now and in the future.

I know Asperger's isn't a blanket diagnosis and everyone is different, but I want to hear from people with experience, so I can hopefully avoid doing too much and triggering another bumpy patch. Thank you.
Click to expand...
Dealing with emotions especially as someone with Asperger's has always been a challenge. For me, it's because it's really impossible to describe the emotion I'm feeling. I remember it being really difficult for my parents, therapists and counsellors to really assess my mental health because of how difficult it was to describe my emotions.

As for advice, do not try to label her emotions. Don't ask her, "are you sad? Are you angry? Are you avoiding me?" It's stressing because we (or at least for me) like to be exact and precise with our words/descriptions and "sad" isn't precise enough.
But, insecurity is something that she has to solve herself. My ex girlfriend was in your position at the time. I was so afraid I wouldn't make her happy that I avoided her out of shame. This was because I put her on such a high pedestal that I felt inadequate. She really tried everything to calm down my insecurity, she reassured me everyday, she always said "I love you and only you", she acted more loving and caring, she basically put a lot of effort and yet it wasn't enough. If you want to support her you got to have a serious talk about it with her.
 
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