mg81
Well-Known Member
Hmm... sorry, I've never really talked personally about myself on a message board so please forgive me if I end up ranting a bit. I've never been able to talk to anyone about Asperger's Syndrome except for my girlfriend and she is NT and doesn't always understand my issues. This is my first time even trying to record my feelings in any way on paper (or message board) so I don't even know what I'm about to say here. Anyway, without further ado...
My name is Matthew and I was diagnosed with Asperger's about a year ago. I am turning 32 in three days and my life is pretty good from most perspectives, though I still find myself sad about many things that I may or may not discuss here. I have a decent job working as a Floor Supervisor for table games in a local casino. I was a dealer for 6 years previously and I have enjoyed both jobs immensely. I have a girlfriend whom I love very much but we tend to fight a lot. This is due mostly to issues concerning Asperger's and me saying stupid things that come off sounding a bit harsh or not showing enough love.
Anyway, I guess what I want to rant about first is the fact that I am sad. I am tired of not making friends at work or anywhere else. My best friend recently moved to Colorado and that has left me with no one but my girlfriend to communicate with. My co-workers generally respect me very much because I have won over a lot of the high rollers in our casino, and I like to think I am one helluva good dealer. I take a lot of pride in my job and I try my best to entertain the guest and give them a smooth game at all times. But aside from that, theres a lot of people who think I am weird and quiet. There have been a couple of people who called me out on this as well. I was sitting in the corner of the smoking break room just playing on my phone and one guy was sitting with the rest of my co-workers talking. Suddenly his voice went loud and I heard something along the lines of "...sitting over there like a serial killer!" This was yelled at the top of his lungs and everyone turned to look at me at that point. I played it off that time like I didn't hear him. But seriously, it was directed towards me.
This really hasn't bothered me much until recently, I don't know why either. But I feel that I am dying to talk to people about whatever! I just don't have anything to talk about because my interests are so far removed from the norm for the most part. Most of my co-workers, and guests for that matter, love sports and talk about them incessantly. Honestly though, I have no interest in sports whatsoever. I couldn't even tell you the name of hardly any sports players around today. Unless it's related to the casino, I pretty much find I can't talk to people about anything! I do like movies and music, but it is a lot harder to talk about these things with people. I am not even going to begin talking about my obsessive interests either, heh. I used to be obsessed with magic squares(number grid where all numbers in a column or row have equal sums any direction you count them) which evolved into an obsession with prime numbers, which later turned into an obsession with parts of an equalateral right triangle. I wasted hours a day trying to play around with this stuff and it was fun. But probably for the best, it's a latent obsession as of right now, but numbers always come back for me. Currently, I am playing a block building game called Survivalcraft and it's my only current obsession. Most people really don't care to hear about how I built a videogame within a videogame using lights, wires, and logic gates... bleh.
So yeah, my other issue which causes me to be sad is I have hidden transgendered issues. I don't fully feel as if I am 100% male. I don't think I am 100% female either, but I definitely lean more towards female. My girlfriend knows of my feelings to some degree, but not nearly to the extent to which I feel these things. She knows that at one point I was interested in hormones, but I kind of grew out of it which is only half true. She also knows I like to dress up, but I don't do it often around her. Truth is, I wish I had been born as a girl but I wasn't. I am a man, and I am just ok with that. I believe I am a good looking guy as well, which helps my self esteem somewhat. Still, I have had thoughts and desires about transitioning but I don't think that is always the right answer for everyone. I don't see something like this going over well at my work place. I don't see it going over well with me and my girlfriend in the long run. Additionally, I make an attractive man... but an ugly woman and it turns me off to see transgendered women who just don't look feminine. I don't want to be one of them. It would cost thousands of dollars to even try to look passable and I don't think I would pull it off. Also, making a decision like this, you have to be 100% sure that is what you want. I am not 100% sure, I might be 50%, I don't really know. But I am not sure enough about my feelings that this would be a good choice for me.
Omg, this is a rant, isn't it? I have to stop for now. I have to get ready for work. But mainly, I just wanted to introduce myself and start typing. I feel as if I have a lot to say and I would very much like to join you guys in your discussions here. Thanks for hearing me out!
My name is Matthew and I was diagnosed with Asperger's about a year ago. I am turning 32 in three days and my life is pretty good from most perspectives, though I still find myself sad about many things that I may or may not discuss here. I have a decent job working as a Floor Supervisor for table games in a local casino. I was a dealer for 6 years previously and I have enjoyed both jobs immensely. I have a girlfriend whom I love very much but we tend to fight a lot. This is due mostly to issues concerning Asperger's and me saying stupid things that come off sounding a bit harsh or not showing enough love.
Anyway, I guess what I want to rant about first is the fact that I am sad. I am tired of not making friends at work or anywhere else. My best friend recently moved to Colorado and that has left me with no one but my girlfriend to communicate with. My co-workers generally respect me very much because I have won over a lot of the high rollers in our casino, and I like to think I am one helluva good dealer. I take a lot of pride in my job and I try my best to entertain the guest and give them a smooth game at all times. But aside from that, theres a lot of people who think I am weird and quiet. There have been a couple of people who called me out on this as well. I was sitting in the corner of the smoking break room just playing on my phone and one guy was sitting with the rest of my co-workers talking. Suddenly his voice went loud and I heard something along the lines of "...sitting over there like a serial killer!" This was yelled at the top of his lungs and everyone turned to look at me at that point. I played it off that time like I didn't hear him. But seriously, it was directed towards me.
This really hasn't bothered me much until recently, I don't know why either. But I feel that I am dying to talk to people about whatever! I just don't have anything to talk about because my interests are so far removed from the norm for the most part. Most of my co-workers, and guests for that matter, love sports and talk about them incessantly. Honestly though, I have no interest in sports whatsoever. I couldn't even tell you the name of hardly any sports players around today. Unless it's related to the casino, I pretty much find I can't talk to people about anything! I do like movies and music, but it is a lot harder to talk about these things with people. I am not even going to begin talking about my obsessive interests either, heh. I used to be obsessed with magic squares(number grid where all numbers in a column or row have equal sums any direction you count them) which evolved into an obsession with prime numbers, which later turned into an obsession with parts of an equalateral right triangle. I wasted hours a day trying to play around with this stuff and it was fun. But probably for the best, it's a latent obsession as of right now, but numbers always come back for me. Currently, I am playing a block building game called Survivalcraft and it's my only current obsession. Most people really don't care to hear about how I built a videogame within a videogame using lights, wires, and logic gates... bleh.
So yeah, my other issue which causes me to be sad is I have hidden transgendered issues. I don't fully feel as if I am 100% male. I don't think I am 100% female either, but I definitely lean more towards female. My girlfriend knows of my feelings to some degree, but not nearly to the extent to which I feel these things. She knows that at one point I was interested in hormones, but I kind of grew out of it which is only half true. She also knows I like to dress up, but I don't do it often around her. Truth is, I wish I had been born as a girl but I wasn't. I am a man, and I am just ok with that. I believe I am a good looking guy as well, which helps my self esteem somewhat. Still, I have had thoughts and desires about transitioning but I don't think that is always the right answer for everyone. I don't see something like this going over well at my work place. I don't see it going over well with me and my girlfriend in the long run. Additionally, I make an attractive man... but an ugly woman and it turns me off to see transgendered women who just don't look feminine. I don't want to be one of them. It would cost thousands of dollars to even try to look passable and I don't think I would pull it off. Also, making a decision like this, you have to be 100% sure that is what you want. I am not 100% sure, I might be 50%, I don't really know. But I am not sure enough about my feelings that this would be a good choice for me.
Omg, this is a rant, isn't it? I have to stop for now. I have to get ready for work. But mainly, I just wanted to introduce myself and start typing. I feel as if I have a lot to say and I would very much like to join you guys in your discussions here. Thanks for hearing me out!
I was born in -81 too, good year, sir 
