There was a time in my life over 20 years ago that lasted a couple of years during which I experienced real joy and contentment. It was after I had left an abusive ex-husband and was living on my own and independent for the first time. I had work I could deal with that paid the bills and had my free time to myself to relax and recharge. I was starting not to care so much what people thought. I felt I was starting to undo the years of damage done growing up as the "weird one" in an extroverted, unsympathetic NT family. This was years before I ever had any clue that I was autistic. I no longer felt pressured or felt the need to have friends. I was just happy to spend my free time on my own terms, doing what I enjoyed and not having to answer to anyone. In retrospect, sheer bliss.
Then at one point, I was contacted by a former NT friend who wanted to get back in touch. I was initially a bit leery since this was a friend who had pretty much abandoned me when I was having trouble with my ex-husband and could have used the support of a real friend. But I thought it would be nice to have a friend again and for a while, it was. Then after a couple of years, I started feeling depressed again. I started seeing the first of many therapists and taking anti-depressant meds for the first time. In hindsight, I now realize that my friend was giving me the not so subtle message that it wasn't ok to be alone. She was married and kept telling me that I should date and "get out more". She'd fix me up with her husband's single friends, which left me feeling more depressed when things didn't work out. I didn't have the self-confidence to tell her that I was fine on my own. I didn't trust relying on my own instincts to determine what was best for me. And the therapists that I was seeing at the time, who had no clue that I was autistic, were certainly no help.
I eventually got married again and had a son. After all, everyone in my NT family was married and had kids, so I thought that's what was missing in my life. By the time he was a toddler, I realized that though he was intelligent in many ways, something was different about my son. He talked later than other kids and had tantrums that seemed far more out of control than other kids' tantrums. Discipline methods described in popular parenting books didn't work on him. I felt like an awful mother at first, and then started wondering if he was autistic. I began doing research and reading extensively about autism. Then I had an epiphany: "Holy ****, I'm autistic myself!" Over the years, I'd been told that I was depressed, even bipolar, and was prescribed medications that would eventually stop working, didn't work at all or did real harm.
My son and I were officially diagnosed several years ago. I finally found an amazing therapist who is actually on the spectrum herself and whom I wish I had met years ago. But I'd already made choices in my life that couldn't be undone. Years of dealing with my son's issues while working full-time really did a number on me. I was even the primary support of our family when my husband was unemployed for a couple of years. I cut back on my hours when my husband went back to work, but had become so depressed and anxiety-ridden, that I stopped working altogether two years ago. I hate being financially dependent on my husband since I was once so independent and self-sufficient. Life with my husband and son involves socializing that I find exhausting. What I wouldn't give to go back to those years when I was happy to be on my own. My husband realizes that I have regrets, but I always try to go to great lengths to never let my son realize this. And this in itself is exhausting. I made a choice and I never want my son to feel that he isn't loved and accepted for who he is. He deserves the unconditional love that I didn't get when I was growing up.
Sorry for such a long, drawn out response to a simple question. But a very thought provoking question. I can't change the way my life turned out, but I can give some advice: if you're really content and satisfied being alone, don't let anyone try to convince you that you'd be better off otherwise. Relationships aren't for everyone and it's ok to be alone if that's what you want. Would I have continued being happy if I hadn't let my NT friend needle me into "getting out more"? Hard to say. But if I knew then what I know about myself now, I would have trusted my own judgement about what was right for me. So please, don't let anyone pressure you into questioning your version of happiness.
