I apologise in advance for this rambling post. I’m feeling really overwhelmed with emotion right now, partly because I think I have finally discovered why I’m so different, but could also be because I missed my medication for two days and just had one this morning .
I have posted here a few times with queries about my son’s who I’m pretty sure are on the spectrum. Naturally I have been doing more research on it, and have discovered a strong family history through my cousins. I have also looked into autism in adults and specifically autism in women. I have just watched a few different videos on autism in females on YouTube and tick every box. As a child I was extremely anxious. My mum described me as “shy and sooky” and I was often punished for my fears. I was mildly OCD, enjoying collecting things and often wanting a set of toys to display rather than play with, but I remember having a messy room as a teen. I was teased a lot as a child, I’m honestly not sure why, but I remember being called “cry baby” a lot.
I struggled to “talk” in childhood and early adulthood. I could speak, but I would stutter, stammer, mumble, talk too quiet or too fast. I barely passed English, despite a love of reading and writing. I simply didn’t understand the formalities of Language. It was only after I had children and was forced into more social situations (appointments, school meetings etc) that I started to learn the rules of speech, but it is still a conscious effort for me. I have extreme social anxiety and fear having to go to work. I often avoid work simply because I feel overwhelmed and just can’t handle people for the day.
I also struggle to hear people, even though I’ve had my hearing checked and it’s within normal limits. I can hear my kids jumping on the bed in a room on the other side of the house with the door closed. I can hear my phone vibrating on silent in another room with the door closed, but I can’t hear people speak. I also need to have the captions on when I’m watching tv even with the sound turned up. I can however hear in a cinema I believe because there is no other light or sound interference. I also can’t handle loud music on the radio because I can’t concentrate on driving, but I can handle it in a night club. I tend to zone out when people are talking to me and at times don’t realise they are talking to me until they’ve touched me or called my name repeatedly. This also causes problems at work because I miss when the kids ask me something (I work in education) or I miss an instruction. I often have to write down instructions and sometimes when people don’t give me the time to get paper I get extreme anxiety, miss the verbal instructions completely and then have to guess what they said.
I don’t have any particular obsessions, although I do enjoy video games quite a bit (namely Zelda and FFVII). I do however get hyperfocused on topics/books/movies/people for weeks to months and then lose interest (apparently an ADHD trait). I am mildly Obsessive compulsive and like things to be in order. I do collect packaging, which I guess is not very average. I feel like I will need it again to repackage things, but I never do. I like rules and regulations and get extremely upset if people don’t follow them. Especially in social situations, because it’s hard for me to understand what’s going on when people don’t behave the way I expect them to.
I’m not sure about face blindness. I tend to mis recognise faces a lot, thinking people are someone but they’re not, but I don’t have problems remembering people if they come up to me. I don’t use people’s names because it actually makes me feel horrible saying them. I read dale carnegie’s How to make friends and I tried to follow that rule and I just couldn’t do it.
I hate talking to people on the phone or in person and prefer to use text and email. I sometimes avoid phone calls even from family and close friends in favour of text. I get really irritated when people call me. If I go to a party etc. I have to take my husband or best friend. I don’t necessarily talk through them, but I feel like I need them there to be able to talk to other people. If they leave me even for a moment I suffer extreme anxiety and I’ll usually go and hide in the corner or in the bathroom.
All of these things make me feel like I must be on the spectrum. However, I have been told (by people who are NOT autistic mind) that people with autism can’t do certain things, namely understand sarcasm, understand someone else’s point of view, and have the desire to connect with others, and I do all these things (although a lot of people don’t get my sarcasm which makes me think I’m not as good at it as I think I am) so what do actually autistic people think? Can you do any or all of these things? Is there anything specifically that an autistic person definitely can’t do? Do you think my desire to fit in is just making me look for austistic traits that aren’t actually there?
ETA: forgot about stimming. This isn’t an obvious one to me. I have my nervous twitches, like foot tapping, scratching my head, bouncing on my feet, swaying. But I don’t do it all the time. I only really do it when Im either restless, or (this is weird) feel like I’m floating away and need movement to ground me.
I have posted here a few times with queries about my son’s who I’m pretty sure are on the spectrum. Naturally I have been doing more research on it, and have discovered a strong family history through my cousins. I have also looked into autism in adults and specifically autism in women. I have just watched a few different videos on autism in females on YouTube and tick every box. As a child I was extremely anxious. My mum described me as “shy and sooky” and I was often punished for my fears. I was mildly OCD, enjoying collecting things and often wanting a set of toys to display rather than play with, but I remember having a messy room as a teen. I was teased a lot as a child, I’m honestly not sure why, but I remember being called “cry baby” a lot.
I struggled to “talk” in childhood and early adulthood. I could speak, but I would stutter, stammer, mumble, talk too quiet or too fast. I barely passed English, despite a love of reading and writing. I simply didn’t understand the formalities of Language. It was only after I had children and was forced into more social situations (appointments, school meetings etc) that I started to learn the rules of speech, but it is still a conscious effort for me. I have extreme social anxiety and fear having to go to work. I often avoid work simply because I feel overwhelmed and just can’t handle people for the day.
I also struggle to hear people, even though I’ve had my hearing checked and it’s within normal limits. I can hear my kids jumping on the bed in a room on the other side of the house with the door closed. I can hear my phone vibrating on silent in another room with the door closed, but I can’t hear people speak. I also need to have the captions on when I’m watching tv even with the sound turned up. I can however hear in a cinema I believe because there is no other light or sound interference. I also can’t handle loud music on the radio because I can’t concentrate on driving, but I can handle it in a night club. I tend to zone out when people are talking to me and at times don’t realise they are talking to me until they’ve touched me or called my name repeatedly. This also causes problems at work because I miss when the kids ask me something (I work in education) or I miss an instruction. I often have to write down instructions and sometimes when people don’t give me the time to get paper I get extreme anxiety, miss the verbal instructions completely and then have to guess what they said.
I don’t have any particular obsessions, although I do enjoy video games quite a bit (namely Zelda and FFVII). I do however get hyperfocused on topics/books/movies/people for weeks to months and then lose interest (apparently an ADHD trait). I am mildly Obsessive compulsive and like things to be in order. I do collect packaging, which I guess is not very average. I feel like I will need it again to repackage things, but I never do. I like rules and regulations and get extremely upset if people don’t follow them. Especially in social situations, because it’s hard for me to understand what’s going on when people don’t behave the way I expect them to.
I’m not sure about face blindness. I tend to mis recognise faces a lot, thinking people are someone but they’re not, but I don’t have problems remembering people if they come up to me. I don’t use people’s names because it actually makes me feel horrible saying them. I read dale carnegie’s How to make friends and I tried to follow that rule and I just couldn’t do it.
I hate talking to people on the phone or in person and prefer to use text and email. I sometimes avoid phone calls even from family and close friends in favour of text. I get really irritated when people call me. If I go to a party etc. I have to take my husband or best friend. I don’t necessarily talk through them, but I feel like I need them there to be able to talk to other people. If they leave me even for a moment I suffer extreme anxiety and I’ll usually go and hide in the corner or in the bathroom.
All of these things make me feel like I must be on the spectrum. However, I have been told (by people who are NOT autistic mind) that people with autism can’t do certain things, namely understand sarcasm, understand someone else’s point of view, and have the desire to connect with others, and I do all these things (although a lot of people don’t get my sarcasm which makes me think I’m not as good at it as I think I am) so what do actually autistic people think? Can you do any or all of these things? Is there anything specifically that an autistic person definitely can’t do? Do you think my desire to fit in is just making me look for austistic traits that aren’t actually there?
ETA: forgot about stimming. This isn’t an obvious one to me. I have my nervous twitches, like foot tapping, scratching my head, bouncing on my feet, swaying. But I don’t do it all the time. I only really do it when Im either restless, or (this is weird) feel like I’m floating away and need movement to ground me.
