Frustrated with failure

[Kayla55]

When younger I'd experience small bouts of frustration at not getting something right, being very hard on myself.

BUT

In the end I felt like getting married signalled me as failure, I'd not achieved what my goals really were, despite having a career I wanted own business, believed money would buy me happiness or at least financial freedom to live way I wanted, not have to do things didn't want to anymore. It was worst frustration where I'd resorted to self injury in a conscious way I'd never taken to such extreme level.
In the end frustration seemed to float away as I concentrated on tasks at hand, constant nagging..... I suppose today my feelings are so repressed I went through hypnosis to understand as I'd being through therapy before marriage but felt like a new level of trauma.
I find it difficult to put my heart into anything, to want to help people, to believe in goodness of this world just on basis of world, restrictions and unfair rules seemed there to break the spirit.

 

[Kayla55]

You know cartoon tangled, I was amazed when saw this, it was one cartoons played for kids.
About me going to mental hospital, I was confused after kids born, didn't like walking rings or food my mominlaw brought or way they were, j couldn't vocalise that I felt they contaminating my side of gene-pool in the kids.
Turned out kids have hip-dysplasia and I'd actually attacked him when he came home, but didn't think he was an intruder. He took photos of bruises that I beat him up with frying pan. And other occasions were he came home and I wished he would disappear. I felt like a lynx that pounced off fridge and shouldn't have being domesticated.
Then I got tired of him using my car, then didn't pay insurance, crashed it. So I hit him with his guitar and broke it.

My hypnosis has being painful and my child's laughter was blurred, so many times I wanted to leave but with small kids in South Africa it was insane. I used to sit in shower and cut myself to feel something, because I prayed to G-d to make it stop but I was trapped and hated him. I still battle now. Eventually I blocked my memories trying to cope with all times he messed up and let us down. His narcisstic behaviour to our boys that provoked me to attacking him.

His interpretation was I beat him for no reason, phoned police told them he had attacked me and had him arrested. We entered first dispute for custody war after this but family tried to resolve it for sake of kids. Worst thing because the emotional neglect he left us is beyond therapy. In the end I had social worker who brought police to detain him, and witness how no food in house and filth since he too lazy or good to do this.

 

[Kayla55]

I still blame myself for not doing enough. For how he struggled to swim, couldn't climb out pool. How many years took to ride a bike.
Blame myself as I should've protected them, should've done more.

 

[Kayla55]

I know there is something else a lot different/wrong with me, but other than asexual, just can't figure it out.

With RFK Kennedy trying to point out low functioning needs to be cured, and with depression I can't help but look at this as disability.

Went past my son by his friend, lingering reminder of the life I've missed out on, esp. as a woman I'm not intelligent, not earning big money, I feel trapped and responsible for children I didn't even want, mostly wake up crying wishing to end everything yet hang in for my boys. I'm sorry but years of housework just didn't feel like I got anything out of this, lost deposits, loss of earning ND fact that sexual advances feel more to me like insults.

We have all our vitamins now, but I say thank-you but keep thinking what caused this and after all speech, lack social and misery how any of this is a blessing of benefit.
I'm interested if anyone could help me to act more grateful as honestly given choice if choose not to be female Asperger and watch others volunteer as Guinea-pigs whilst I ran off with friends, dancing in the wind. Following fashion, being carefree and enjoying aspect of never even thinking how blessed if is to take benefits for granted.