From a heart that has never found its way in the world

[All-Rounder]

"Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone; we find it with another." - Earth is not an easy place for romantics, that's for sure. Sometimes that might make us feel lonely, but I have found a release in listening to love songs, it fills a place there in the heart. They have also helped me out after breakups, i used to avoid them because of the pain of remembering but eventually they have become like a cure or replacement for the loss and I didn't think much but felt the moment and it was great and healing.

Us autistic people can be extremely easy to fool and we don't even notice until it's too late. We believe things easily and it's easy to notice for predators we are good targets. It comes as a surprise every time. But I learned to not have expectations from any relationships and that it might turn around in time. Time is very truth telling. The more that passes the more eye-opening. That is why our weakness is being rushed. Love isn't rushing.

For 8 years as a counsellor you should feel proud. Most people last months in a workplace. You seem to be good at communication, and you have experience of 8 years socializing so that's gonna help in relationships.

Your focus on yourself seems excessive, it's better to relax and accept your humanity instead of worrying.

Ur moms not wanting to get rid of you and help you fly off. Wonder why. Patience is a poor excuse. Then again some humans make bad decisions that don't pay off for anyone and sit in the same filth they are in. It is better to distance from such people as much as possible as they will drag you down. She has big daddy issues.

Going around the outside of the house is a start. Glad to see your mindset has changed for not spending too much screen time. Screen light causes all the crap on the mental, including depression.

I used to be terrified by death but not anymore. It's a mental process in which the mind hallucinates before life ends, and everything ends. It's not like being burnt alive for eternity.

 

[jtab7800]

Earth is not an easy place for romantics, that's for sure.

With the day I'm having today, of all days, on Mother's Day, I can tell you that Earth, in my case, is an impossible place for Aspies to be happy in. I feel like my mother is against me on so many things, unless they happen her way. She makes me feel like everything has to be her way or the highway. I've felt so angry at her for a long time. Our relationship has been deteriorating because of her sour attitudes about everything. If I even try to talk to her about anything these days, especially me having someone to love, it leads to an argument, because she is so highly irritable. Even when I was a child, I envisioned myself growing up to have a complete family of my own, but I get the impression that my mother doesn't want it going that far.

A lot of times, she makes me wonder if she hates kids because of everything that my brother and I -- our disabilities actually -- put her through. She tells us that she loves us, but she's extremely irritable with me. She's not as irritable with my brother. She recently told me that, in a way, my disability might be worse than my brother's, and he's paralyzed from the waist down. My brother and I are close, and we always will be, but I feel like my mother's bitterness will never go away, and that the relationship between her and I will never heal, even though I want it to heal, and I think she does too.

I wish she'd realize that her bitterness doesn't do any good for either one of us. The people who made her bitter are not alive anymore, and they can't hurt her anymore. Actually, her brother is the only one of those people who is still alive, but we haven't had anything to do with him in decades. Still, she needs to figure out how to no longer let her bitterness hang over her like a solar flare that's about to destroy the Earth. It got worse after we lost my father. I love my mother, but her bitterness and irritability cause her to say crazy things, and make some really crazy, even scary threats sometimes. She keeps telling me that If I spent more time with her and my brother, I wouldn't feel so lonely all the time. It's like she's basically saying that I have no need for having anyone else in my life, and that she thinks I can simply do without.

I don't know what she has against it, but I'm going to have to figure out what to do to make my life better. If it turns out to be true that she doesn't want anything to do with it, then so be it. If that's the case, then we'll be exactly like she and her father were -- they were estranged for the last 14 years of her father's life. That would be par for the course, since nothing in my life has ever gone right for me. Sometimes, I wonder why I was brought into this world, only to never amount to anything, and never have anything to show for the life I've been given.

No one on this site knows what kind of impossible odds I've been up against my entire life -- the kind of odds that are truly insurmountable, especially with a mother who wants me to do everything on my own, with zero help whatsoever. If that's her idea of a method to teach me to be self-sufficient, then it's the most brutal, and miserable, possible method. I know that her parents were brutally hard on her, in every way, and it left her bitter, but I wish she would break the cycle that they started with her.

A lot of times, I get the impression that she doesn't completely care about the kind of pain that my brother and I have been through before -- when he was just a little baby, in 1977, Mom actually let doctors do a spinal tap on my brother -- try to imagine a really thick, three inch long needle being shoved into your spinal cord, and left there for about 30 minutes of torture, because the CSF flows through it so slowly.

Try to imagine, picture it in your mind, the absolute torture -- blood-curdling, heart-piercing scream after blood-curdling, heart-piercing scream. Only the coldest of hearts wouldn't be affected by it. It can be seen as a form of torture. And all I've ever heard Mom say about it is a nonchalant "It had to be done to save his life." Her tone of voice made her sound like she was saying it like it was nothing bad for him to go through. She would probably think a lot differently if it was done to her, but her father probably got her so used to pain that she doesn't think as much of it as she used to.

And then there's my pain. When I was dealing with my eye injury in 1978, and they tried to do an x-ray, I was scared because I was only 4-years-old, and I didn't know what that big, intimidating x-ray machine was, because no one had told me what it was. A man who was in the x-ray room that day decided that, to get me to submit to an x-ray, it would be a good idea to hold his hands down on my head so hard that it felt like he was literally crushing my skull, and with that torture on top of the severe pain that my eye was already giving me, it was heart-piercing scream after heart-piercing scream coming out of me. I remember it vividly, and it still brings me to tears. Years later, Mom told me that they wouldn't let her inside the x-ray room at the time. And do you know what disturbs me the most about it? A news article that I read a few months ago mentioned that, until the late 1980s, a lot of doctors thought that babies were not able to feel pain. But the joke was on those callous doctors, wasn't it?

I guess Mom isn't the only one who has lost a lot of trust in the medical profession, but at least I'm still willing to get medical help when I need it. But Mom is highly reluctant. I keep telling her that she acts like she wouldn't get medical attention for anything unless she's already dead, but she won't listen. She's been having some health problems. But she despises hospitals and ER doctors with a passion -- she thinks ER doctors are quacks. Some of them might very well be, but maybe not all of them. I've witnessed the actions of a few not-so-good doctors before. But I'm scared that her attitude about hospitals will have a higher chance of getting her killed if she denies herself medical care.

The pain that my brother and I have been through is one of the things that has bonded us. But he's ahead of me in life now, in some ways. I'm not saying that life is a competition, because it's not. But he's had a woman in his life since 2008, and I don't know if it'll ever happen for me. I want to meet people, and hopefully find someone who is actually willing to give me a chance. What I'm afraid of is that if someone does actually ever give me a chance, it'll surprise and shock me so much that it'll send me into a fatal heart attack. Sometimes, I've wondered if there actually is a God. I used to think there might be, but after everything my brother and I have been through, I'm not sure. It makes me feel like He wants life to be nothing but the utmost suffering, with no happiness in it whatsoever. I'm at the lowest point in my life right now, and I don't know if I'll ever rise up from it.

Like I said before, I'm trapped. I can't get out anywhere to meet people, there's nothing within walking distance of the street I live on, and I feel like I can't get my mother to care enough about anything except for the renovations on our house. The state I'm living in seems like it's not a good state for a person with a disability to live in anyway -- too many people here don't treat people with disabilities like they're just as human as everyone else is.

Annyway, I'm going to try to get through today, and hope tomorrow is better. Huey Lewis & The News said, in the song "Jacob's Ladder," "All I want from tomorrow is to get it better than today."

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

jtab7800, I have read and I hear your pain and lonliness. I am really sorry you are going through all of this.

There is a way out, but it is not one you seem to want to take. You must get your own place to live and support yourself as best you can. You do not have to care for your mother and your brother. There are programs that provide support of people with spina bifida and your mother should take advantage of those programs instead of taking advantage of you. For that matter, there are programs to assist people with autism too. These programs might help you get moved out and get your own life.

You cannot expect a woman to even begin to be interested in you when you have so much of your life wrapped up in your mother and brother. A woman in your life would end up being absorbed by your life with your mother and brother. Who would want to do that?

I sense that as much as you would like to have a partner, you are in fact comfortable with your family the way it is. You just want to add someone to that mix. Possible. But, as you have found out, not likely.

 

[jtab7800]

jtab7800, I have read and I hear your pain and lonliness. I am really sorry you are going through all of this.

There is a way out, but it is not one you seem to want to take. You must get your own place to live and support yourself as best you can. You do not have to care for your mother and your brother. There are programs that provide support of people with spina bifida and your mother should take advantage of those programs instead of taking advantage of you. For that matter, there are programs to assist people with autism too. These programs might help you get moved out and get your own life.

You cannot expect a woman to even begin to be interested in you when you have so much of your life wrapped up in your mother and brother. A woman in your life would end up being absorbed by your life with your mother and brother. Who would want to do that?

I sense that as much as you would like to have a partner, you are in fact comfortable with your family the way it is. You just want to add someone to that mix. Possible. But, as you have found out, not likely.

This is not an angry message, and I'm not referring to anyone in these forums, but it's from a person who's been emotionally beaten up enough to be pushed to the edge. I always knew it was never likely for me to have anyone in my life, under any circumstances whatsoever. Things have gotten worse since the last time I posted. My mothe ris making me want more and more to get out of the house, and keep her completely out of my life. I know that she was abused as a child, and I understand that it leaves a mark, but that doesn't give her a right to be the way she is with me too many times. She's extremely high-strung, gets at the very least irritated way too easily, and too many times, she's so hard on me that it causes a lot of emotional pain.

Today, she made it look like I have to fake being happy with how my life's been, so someone will be attracted to me. She basically told me that if I don't start holding my head up and smiling for a change, no one will ever be attracted to me. I told Mom that it would help if things would start panning out for me for the first time in my life. But she thinks I have to be happy first, before I can actually find my happiness.

And recently, yet another woman treated me like garbage -- a longtime friend who seems to be trying to cut me and everyone else out of her life, and I can't figure out what's going on with her. She hasn't been answering calls or texts from anyone, and I've heard that she might've changed her number.

And from what I've seen, the state we moved to a couple of years ago does not care about people with disabilities. I'll give you a hint as to where I live -- in a coastal town in a state whose governor is Ron DeSantis. He doesn't care about making life better for anyone, especially people with disabilities -- he's completely obsessed with his culture war.

We've spoken to people with disabilities down here before, and they've told us that there's nothing for them here. Where we used to live, they had programs in their Parks department, under a section of the Parks department called Therapeutic Recreation. That's where I worked at a day camp for 8 years.

I can even provide a clickable URL that tells you what the programs are, but it'll show up here as the page title: About Therapeutic Recreation

In the picture at the top of the page, if they haven't changed the picture, you'll see one of my best friends, wearing glasses and a yellow hat, with three colored things attached to the front of the hat. Scrolling down to where it says "TR programs" will show you links to details about the programs. There is even a link that does not appear on the page, that shows you a list of their day camps. It's at this link, showing up as its page title: Summer camps

You can see the names of the camps on that page. I worked at the therapeutic recreation camps located at Castlewood Park and Woodland Park. I even worked at Camp Kearney at Jacobson Park at one point. We've found no such programs or camps where we're living now.

All I know is that now, I feel like I'm worthless to everyone in a world that has no bounds to its love for cruelty. I've completely lost faith in all humanity, and I don't think there's a way to regain it. I have more doubts than ever that there are actually any kind people in the world who won't walk all over people like me. I've been pushed for too long, and too far. I'm actually wondering if the best way to stop all the misery is to bring myself to an end. The thing is, the building where we have a condo does not have a roof access, so that's out. Maybe walking into the ocean and letting it swallow me, as I wrote about in a song that I wrote called "Slave to the Tide," would do it.

All I know is that I'm never going to be worth anything to anyone, and I'll never be able to use any of my talents to amount to anything. Mom seems to be making sure of that. She knows that I didn't learn how to drive, and she has absolute control over where I go, and when I go anywhere. Her decision on driving depends on where she feels like doing any driving or not, depending on the pain in her back. We had a chiropractor where we used to live, but she hasn't seem interested in finding one here where we live now -- she hasn't met any of them, and she's already decided that she can't trust any of them. And there are no driving schools within a short enough distance to the house. My therapist suggested maybe Uber, but Mom is worried about how much money it costs.

When it comes to programs that provide support of people with spina bifida, I don't think Mom would have any trust in them. She has too many trust issues caused by things that happened in the past, yet she tells me that she doesn't live in the past.

If it's true that women could never want a guy who lives under my circumstances, then maybe they'd be happy if I found a way to remove myself from this world. They certainly wouldn't miss me. Why would they, when they never even notice that I'm alive? Most other guys get to be lucky enough to have someone, and I've even seen some guys take it for granted and mess it up, namely my older cousin. But I don't get to have any chances because I'm an Aspie who lives under crappy circumstances.

I feel like I can lo longer live in a world that doesn't want me. I've got no friends where I live, no way to meet anyone, and no hope of anything getting better for me. I don't think even my therapist could help me now. Mom seems to stay negative all the time, and she always tells me that she's just trying to be "real" with me. She must think that it means never saying anything positive about anything, and telling me that there is never anything good in life.

She sees my brother and I as being the only good things in her life, yet she talks to me the way she does. She's got me to where I feel inclined to just lay down and let her win out, let her have everything her way, and complete a life of nothing. She certainly seems to want things to be a lot harder for me than they could be. I know life's not easy, but it doesn't have to be as painful as it's been for me.

I see no good future for myself. All I see is a life that's been empty so far, with no hope of changing for the better. I see myself as being born deserving to suffer the way I have, with nothing good in life. Maybe God Himself, along with the entire world, would be as happy as Super Bowl winners if I brought myself to an end.

Mom tells me that I'm a good person, but the world doesn't exactly make me feel that way. It's like people would rather stomp all over you, instead of acting like you're just as human as they are. If people don't want me around them, if women don't want to give me a change because of my circumstances, then I can let them have their way, but that would leave me to continue to be lonelier than ever. I hate that feeling, yet there seems to be no way for me to end the loneliness.

People always make it sound like it's absolutely not possible for me to have anyone in my life, and I don't know if they realize my frustration or not. I feel like I'm a human being who shouldn't go without love, regardless of his circumstances or his looks. All the stress from my life has started taking a physical toll on me. A lot of things would be better than the way my life is now -- better than my mother being so irritable all the time, and better than her being so unbearably negative all the time. After all I've been through, I've always hoped life would get better for me, but I feel like I'm just not allowed to experience things that other people are lucky enough to get to experience. And believe me, no one gets younger every year, and no one lives forever.

I feel trapped and broken, with no way to put myself together. And I feel like there's nothing in this world for me. I need to do some thinking. All I know is that I feel so much hatred of myself right now, that I feel like the world would be better off without me. Sometimes, it feels like I exist for nothing more than to live a life of misery, with no happiness in it. I wonder if anyone else has ever felt that way?