jtab7800, I have read and I hear your pain and lonliness. I am really sorry you are going through all of this.
There is a way out, but it is not one you seem to want to take. You must get your own place to live and support yourself as best you can. You do not have to care for your mother and your brother. There are programs that provide support of people with spina bifida and your mother should take advantage of those programs instead of taking advantage of you. For that matter, there are programs to assist people with autism too. These programs might help you get moved out and get your own life.
You cannot expect a woman to even begin to be interested in you when you have so much of your life wrapped up in your mother and brother. A woman in your life would end up being absorbed by your life with your mother and brother. Who would want to do that?
I sense that as much as you would like to have a partner, you are in fact comfortable with your family the way it is. You just want to add someone to that mix. Possible. But, as you have found out, not likely.
This is not an angry message, and I'm not referring to anyone in these forums, but it's from a person who's been emotionally beaten up enough to be pushed to the edge. I always knew it was never likely for me to have anyone in my life, under any circumstances whatsoever. Things have gotten worse since the last time I posted. My mothe ris making me want more and more to get out of the house, and keep her completely out of my life. I know that she was abused as a child, and I understand that it leaves a mark, but that doesn't give her a right to be the way she is with me too many times. She's extremely high-strung, gets at the very least irritated way too easily, and too many times, she's so hard on me that it causes a lot of emotional pain.
Today, she made it look like I have to fake being happy with how my life's been, so someone will be attracted to me. She basically told me that if I don't start holding my head up and smiling for a change, no one will ever be attracted to me. I told Mom that it would help if things would start panning out for me for the first time in my life. But she thinks I have to be happy first, before I can actually find my happiness.
And recently, yet another woman treated me like garbage -- a longtime friend who seems to be trying to cut me and everyone else out of her life, and I can't figure out what's going on with her. She hasn't been answering calls or texts from anyone, and I've heard that she might've changed her number.
And from what I've seen, the state we moved to a couple of years ago does not care about people with disabilities. I'll give you a hint as to where I live -- in a coastal town in a state whose governor is Ron DeSantis. He doesn't care about making life better for anyone, especially people with disabilities -- he's completely obsessed with his culture war.
We've spoken to people with disabilities down here before, and they've told us that there's nothing for them here. Where we used to live, they had programs in their Parks department, under a section of the Parks department called Therapeutic Recreation. That's where I worked at a day camp for 8 years.
I can even provide a clickable URL that tells you what the programs are, but it'll show up here as the page title: About Therapeutic Recreation
In the picture at the top of the page, if they haven't changed the picture, you'll see one of my best friends, wearing glasses and a yellow hat, with three colored things attached to the front of the hat. Scrolling down to where it says "TR programs" will show you links to details about the programs. There is even a link that does not appear on the page, that shows you a list of their day camps. It's at this link, showing up as its page title: Summer camps
You can see the names of the camps on that page. I worked at the therapeutic recreation camps located at Castlewood Park and Woodland Park. I even worked at Camp Kearney at Jacobson Park at one point. We've found no such programs or camps where we're living now.
All I know is that now, I feel like I'm worthless to everyone in a world that has no bounds to its love for cruelty. I've completely lost faith in all humanity, and I don't think there's a way to regain it. I have more doubts than ever that there are actually any kind people in the world who won't walk all over people like me. I've been pushed for too long, and too far. I'm actually wondering if the best way to stop all the misery is to bring myself to an end. The thing is, the building where we have a condo does not have a roof access, so that's out. Maybe walking into the ocean and letting it swallow me, as I wrote about in a song that I wrote called "Slave to the Tide," would do it.
All I know is that I'm never going to be worth anything to anyone, and I'll never be able to use any of my talents to amount to anything. Mom seems to be making sure of that. She knows that I didn't learn how to drive, and she has absolute control over where I go, and when I go anywhere. Her decision on driving depends on where she feels like doing any driving or not, depending on the pain in her back. We had a chiropractor where we used to live, but she hasn't seem interested in finding one here where we live now -- she hasn't met any of them, and she's already decided that she can't trust any of them. And there are no driving schools within a short enough distance to the house. My therapist suggested maybe Uber, but Mom is worried about how much money it costs.
When it comes to programs that provide support of people with spina bifida, I don't think Mom would have any trust in them. She has too many trust issues caused by things that happened in the past, yet she tells me that she doesn't live in the past.
If it's true that women could never want a guy who lives under my circumstances, then maybe they'd be happy if I found a way to remove myself from this world. They certainly wouldn't miss me. Why would they, when they never even notice that I'm alive? Most other guys get to be lucky enough to have someone, and I've even seen some guys take it for granted and mess it up, namely my older cousin. But I don't get to have any chances because I'm an Aspie who lives under crappy circumstances.
I feel like I can lo longer live in a world that doesn't want me. I've got no friends where I live, no way to meet anyone, and no hope of anything getting better for me. I don't think even my therapist could help me now. Mom seems to stay negative all the time, and she always tells me that she's just trying to be "real" with me. She must think that it means never saying anything positive about anything, and telling me that there is never anything good in life.
She sees my brother and I as being the only good things in her life, yet she talks to me the way she does. She's got me to where I feel inclined to just lay down and let her win out, let her have everything her way, and complete a life of nothing. She certainly seems to want things to be a lot harder for me than they could be. I know life's not easy, but it doesn't have to be as painful as it's been for me.
I see no good future for myself. All I see is a life that's been empty so far, with no hope of changing for the better. I see myself as being born deserving to suffer the way I have, with nothing good in life. Maybe God Himself, along with the entire world, would be as happy as Super Bowl winners if I brought myself to an end.
Mom tells me that I'm a good person, but the world doesn't exactly make me feel that way. It's like people would rather stomp all over you, instead of acting like you're just as human as they are. If people don't want me around them, if women don't want to give me a change because of my circumstances, then I can let them have their way, but that would leave me to continue to be lonelier than ever. I hate that feeling, yet there seems to be no way for me to end the loneliness.
People always make it sound like it's absolutely not possible for me to have anyone in my life, and I don't know if they realize my frustration or not. I feel like I'm a human being who shouldn't go without love, regardless
of his circumstances or his looks. All the stress from my life has started taking a physical toll on me. A lot of things would be better than the way my life is now -- better than my mother being so irritable all the time, and better than her being so unbearably negative all the time. After all I've been through, I've always hoped life would get better for me, but I feel like I'm just not allowed to experience things that other people are lucky enough to get to experience. And believe me, no one gets younger every year, and no one lives forever.
I feel trapped and broken, with no way to put myself together. And I feel like there's nothing in this world for me. I need to do some thinking. All I know is that I feel so much hatred of myself right now, that I feel like the world would be better off without me. Sometimes, it feels like I exist for nothing more than to live a life of misery, with no happiness in it. I wonder if anyone else has ever felt that way?