(For Me) An Extremely Embarassing Situation

[andrew-notfunny]

This didn't happen today but still...
I go to a school where you can get a basic education in media. I want to further my education and eventually become an animator of some sorts which is hindered by multiple things, including my current mental state but that's beyond the point for now, I think.
So there was this one assignment which made me have a cold running down my back...
The basic thing was to share some story from your life in an "interview format" with the other person (we were organized into pairs) which was "fitting to share" and then the other person needed to cut the recorded audio together in order to demonstrate their audio editing skill.
The thing is... I felt like and I still feel like I had nothing to appropriate share. I thought silently for about fifteen minutes, maybe more. Sometimes standing, walking around, sitting. Until I realized I'm unable to do this.
I realized what a sheltered life I lived so far and that I never noticed the true depths of my lack of meaningful experiences. That was shocking to say the least. All the while the person I'm assigned to waits around annoyedly.
So I told her straight up: "I have nothing to share which is not strictly personal or is positive if it's not personal."
At which point she seemingly got offended and walked out saying "Well, I won't sit around unnecessarily then."
Insult to injury. Great.
What was I supposed to say? It felt like this assignment was all a conspiracy to humiliate me. I sat in that chair for another five minutes and then got back into the classroom (each pair recorded in an empty classroom to not have the audio bothered by background chatter or something). I was the last person to get back into class. Everybody recorded their raw audio already. It was so surreal to walk back to my desk.
These are the kinds of situations which get etched into my memory. This is why I distrust people. This is also why I HATE myself.
What can I do with this? How should I feel? I feel horrible. I hope I provided enough context.

 

[Aspychata]

This was an experience. Maybe not the best. But you got through it. Now what, what do you want to do with this knowledge? Don't sit here and hate yourself, go out and create some new experiences perhaps?

 

[marc_101]

Sorry you went through that. It sounds like a shutdown. I don't think anybody was expecting you would say anything deep or meaningful. You could have told a silly story about how you got into the class. But the brain sometimes shorts circuit. I can imagine it happening to me if I were tired or stressed out. You could tell the instructor something resembling the true, that for some reason your brain froze. Same to the classmate. Again, sorry it happened to you. Give them a chance. People can be understanding when you show them honesty

 

[jsilver256]

So sorry you went through that. For what it's worth I answer the same way to similar queries, that I just don't have much interesting to share about myself. Which is untrue intellectually because I am deaf and nonverbal. I do wonder a general lack of self-perception outside of external experiences is a common trait.

 

[Chailatte_]

I struggle with 'back-and-forth' conversations, like I can't coordinate the two things. My mind goes into tilt, somewhat like when the TV has a snow effect with no signal. It's as if I can't handle the idea of 'thinking' in front of another person. By 'thinking,' I mean my usual and habitual thinking style. Wanting quick responses lead to hasty and inaccurate answers, preventing me from analyzing various options, as I usually do. It's like reading the end of a book without reading the beginning. Can you truly form your judgment if you've only read the final page of a book? No. Also, expressing or verbalizing my thoughts becomes challenging, especially since, most of the time, my thoughts are like nesting dolls! In times of stress, like back-and-forth conversations, they become nesting dolls that jump around, fuse together without revealing any part that can distinguish them from a seemingly homogeneous whole.

My mind becomes literally empty but full; it's like the content is veiled/hidden, and I can't access it. That's why I prefer to write; that's why I hate back-and-forth conversations. Occasionally, in the shower, it's like I'm having my personal projection of 'here's what you could have said but didn't.' Now I laugh about it and don't dwell on it. I know it's my weakness, and I accept it. Of course, it bothers me, and I wish it were different. I can improve and adjust some aspects, but I also know my limit, and I won't push it, even if it means appearing 'silly' or less interesting to others. I know who I am, what I have to offer, and how comparing myself to neurotypicals or those with good conversational skills is wrong. I can't even compare myself; does it bother me? Yes, but I accept it.
P.S. The original text was written in Italian, and there may be translation errors

 

[Aspychata]

Really like the answers put forth here. Gave me a lot to think about.

 

[Angular Chap]

I greatly respect that you were 100% honest, open and true to yourself. You didn't mask, exaggerate or lie to anyone about anything. I have been in similar situations in the past and I resorted to heavy masking.

I realized what a sheltered life I lived so far and that I never noticed the true depths of my lack of meaningful experiences.

You have shared a meaningful experience on here with us by making this thread! You have contributed a meaningful, personal experience to this community, standing in solidarity to help other people who will read you post and have been in similar situations themselves. I'm thinking you genuinely will have had other past experiences that will be meaningful and valuable to other autistic people, reassuring them that they are not alone.

 

[andrew-notfunny]

I greatly respect that you were 100% honest, open and true to yourself. You didn't mask, exaggerate or lie to anyone about anything. I have been in similar situations in the past and I resorted to heavy masking.

I don't know how to mask beyond my basic instinct but of course that fails more often than not during longer conversations, sometimes even shorter ones. The thing is that dishonesty is repulsive to me even if I don't want it to be. So learning (at least higher level) masking is paradoxical to me: I need it but I can't have it. That's why we stopped with the most recent psychologist I talked with. How can I start masking if the premise is that I have to accept that this dishonesty is definitely good, that it is a prerequisite for a person with Autism to exist anywhere? It is more of a necessary evil in my opinion. So we argued and it didn't end up well. She gave up. So now nothing was learned. But is it my fault? I don't know. The important thing here is that I don't know what you mean by these words but I envy your masking skills. And thanks for the respect also.

 

[andrew-notfunny]

You have shared a meaningful experience on here with us by making this thread! You have contributed a meaningful, personal experience to this community, standing in solidarity to help other people who will read you post and have been in similar situations themselves. I'm thinking you genuinely will have had other past experiences that will be meaningful and valuable to other autistic people, reassuring them that they are not alone.

Thank you, that was part of the purpose, I think. But mostly I just wanted to share this so I feel less stressed about it AND hear some understanding opinions, which yes, I did hear.
So you have a different definition of meaningful then, better encompassing me, right? Nice.

 

[Angular Chap]

I don't know how to mask beyond my basic instinct but of course that fails more often than not during longer conversations, sometimes even shorter ones.

I try to end most conversations as fast as possible, or avoid them entirely, because the longer a conversation goes on, the more likely the other person or people will see through the mask or something will go wrong. I'll feel stupid, be asked a question I can't answer, offend them, or a whole load of other things.

That's why we stopped with the most recent psychologist I talked with. How can I start masking if the premise is that I have to accept that this dishonesty is definitely good, that it is a prerequisite for a person with Autism to exist anywhere? It is more of a necessary evil in my opinion. So we argued and it didn't end up well. She gave up. So now nothing was learned.

When I was younger I tried my hardest to be honest as well, describing the struggles I was facing, I argued with people and in the end it went nowhere. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall trying to get people to listen and accept me. That was one of the reasons I started masking. As soon as I started masking, people accepted me and stopped getting angry at me.

But is it my fault? I don't know.

It is definitely NOT your fault. You were completely honest at all times.

There are others on here who can't mask, or who refuse to. I hope they can help you better than I can. Like I say, I am a heavy masker and that led to me going through a phase of guilt and burnout. Another paradox: Don't mask, but get burnt out from people's reactions and rejections. Or do mask but get burnt out from having to keep the mask on all the time.

And thanks for the respect also.

No problem, you're very welcome. Over time, the way some people treat us wears us down in all kinds of negative ways, so a little respect goes a long way, even if it is just from an internet stranger!

 

[ra49]

I am not-funny too and it is amazing to me how difficult that is for NT people to understand

I think you handled this particular situation with the school assignment very well.

30 years ago, I had a similar kind of experience at work as a "team building exercise" and had not nearly the sang froid that you displayed here.