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Fitting in

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Hello everyone, was wondering if anyone here even being part of the autism community feels like an outsider or they don’t belong even here as I do? I am not referring to imposter syndrome. This is much different, something I have felt as long as I could remember in any social group and even within my own family .
its interesting even within the autism community, people tend to group themselves within certain cliques. I know these patterns are human nature and inevitable even among autistic individuals.
But personally I don’t have that mindset to attach to a group.Or this seems hard for me to do especially in real life. I think this part of me has translated to online groups as well, I don’t display this indifference to the world often , I usually keep within . Not a good place to be all the time.
Maybe I am overthinking it as I tend to do with everything.
 
I think I know what you mean, a lot of the time I feel like I don't fit in groups that I should fit in with. Could be classmates, or clubs where everyone shares a certain interest. Even extends to friends and family, especially recently. Always feel like everyone is able to connect in a way that I can't figure out. Makes u feel a bit alienated
 
I feel that way all the time, like I have to walk on eggshells or I might offend someone or hurt their feelings or whatever I have always done wrong. However at least since working on getting my official diagnoses I at least can be more accepting to myself. I still have slight panic attacks every time I post here for example but I cant let fear stop me from growing and learning from others like myself. I might have gone slightly off topic there but I guess what I'm trying to say is I think many of us feel like that, heck I dont feel like im from this world somedays just because I feel so awkward even with myself as I start moving forward in a new area of my life, let alone with friends or family. I hope that makes sense.
 
Yes, definitely. But then my thought process goes to this: No one, NT or autistic, fits in with any group 100% of the time. Sometimes what we see as someone who has succeeded in "fitting in" is someone who probably sacrificed part or most of their identity because the desire to belong to the group and/or the fear of being on the outside is very strong.

And many successfully mask in the heat of the moment making it look like they are happy but end up feeling unsatisfied and depressed when alone, so you never really know who is truly happy.

I think knowing this has helped me just be satisfied in knowing that I am secure in who I am and that if I don't fit in perfectly it's okay, I'd rather find the odd connection here and there with different individuals than lose myself completely in a group.
 
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Sablerose said:
I feel that way all the time, like I have to walk on eggshells or I might offend someone or hurt their feelings or whatever I have always done wrong. However at least since working on getting my official diagnoses I at least can be more accepting to myself. I still have slight panic attacks every time I post here for example but I cant let fear stop me from growing and learning from others like myself. I might have gone slightly off topic there but I guess what I'm trying to say is I think many of us feel like that, heck I dont feel like im from this world somedays just because I feel so awkward even with myself as I start moving forward in a new area of my life, let alone with friends or family. I hope that makes sense.
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That is a big problem for me as well, careful not to offend people, I finally spoke and tried to have conversations with some family Sunday morning, and within 5 minutes I made everyone upset and uncomfortable. So I guess back to silence .
Sounds like you have some positives happening! Learning about yourself is very important with autism. I agree I have wondered where my home planet actually is .
 
330 said:
Hello everyone, was wondering if anyone here even being part of the autism community feels like an outsider or they don’t belong even here as I do? I am not referring to imposter syndrome. This is much different, something I have felt as long as I could remember in any social group and even within my own family .
its interesting even within the autism community, people tend to group themselves within certain cliques. I know these patterns are human nature and inevitable even among autistic individuals.
But personally I don’t have that mindset to attach to a group.Or this seems hard for me to do especially in real life. I think this part of me has translated to online groups as well, I don’t display this indifference to the world often , I usually keep within . Not a good place to be all the time.
Maybe I am overthinking it as I tend to do with everything.
Click to expand...
80% of the time I try to join any one group, it ends it catastrophy for me. Nowadays Im very recluse. I dont have any friends, all my friendship attempts have ended in failure and severely impacted my mental health.
 
I've never been part of a group either in real life or online. I used to sit with a group of the quieter kids at school, they were ok with my sitting with them, but they communicated in a way I could, had a connection that wasn't there with me. For me, I always had the sensation of sitting behind a glass screen and just watching, like watching TV. I was very rarely ever invited to anything, and if I was absent one day, I doubt they would even notice.

This is the only site I use online. I don't know if there are any cliques or groups here which communicate offsite or with private messages, and if there are, I'm not part of them.
 
330 said:
That is a big problem for me as well, careful not to offend people, I finally spoke and tried to have conversations with some family Sunday morning, and within 5 minutes I made everyone upset and uncomfortable. So I guess back to silence .
Sounds like you have some positives happening! Learning about yourself is very important with autism. I agree I have wondered where my home planet actually is .
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My family is a whole different can of messed up lol, I think i have upset them from birth lol. I spent almost 60 years wondering what was wrong with me that I either said the wrong thing or made people angry without any clue why. I knew I wasn't "normal", I did not want to be normal (so I tried to convince myself) because normal is based on average and I was not average. I knew that much, But I thought it was that I was broken, or my mind was programmed wrong somehow. I secretly yearned to fit in, to be like everyone else and to say and do the right things so I could have friends too that didn't just disappear on me. I really liked what LadyS said as well and gave me something to think about because it made sense to me. My family still won't listen when I tried yet again to tell them I was getting diagnosed. It offends them somehow by telling them because it means I'm ok the way I am and they just won't ever understand, that is ok too. My point is I don't count family any longer, I just accept it is the best they can manage. But yeah, I always blamed myself and it's a hard habit to get out of because its followed closely by a flurry of apologies just in case I might have said a wrong thing... if they haven't left by then because I can't do small talk well at all :) Ok, going to bed...I didn't mean to ramble, but it's been on my mind too to be honest. and I still have much to learn :)
 
Progster said:
I've never been part of a group either in real life or online. I used to sit with a group of the quieter kids at school, they were ok with my sitting with them, but they communicated in a way I could, had a connection that wasn't there with me. For me, I always had the sensation of sitting behind a glass screen and just watching, like watching TV. I was very rarely ever invited to anything, and if I was absent one day, I doubt they would even notice.

This is the only site I use online. I don't know if there are any cliques or groups here which communicate offsite or with private messages, and if there are, I'm not part of them.
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This is very similar to how I feel . The sitting behind a glass screen resonates with me in a very profound way.
 
330 said:
Hello everyone, was wondering if anyone here even being part of the autism community feels like an outsider or they don’t belong even here as I do? I am not referring to imposter syndrome. This is much different, something I have felt as long as I could remember in any social group and even within my own family .
its interesting even within the autism community, people tend to group themselves within certain cliques. I know these patterns are human nature and inevitable even among autistic individuals.
But personally I don’t have that mindset to attach to a group.Or this seems hard for me to do especially in real life. I think this part of me has translated to online groups as well, I don’t display this indifference to the world often , I usually keep within . Not a good place to be all the time.
Maybe I am overthinking it as I tend to do with everything.
Click to expand...
I love you, you offer so much here. I like your posts.
Everyone especially autistics have their own issues and social burnout but I have found everyone here really kind and lovely.
Even despite being different, I think autistics are really honest and caring.
 
Yeah, I think it's just the curse of the outsider, and having ASD really increases those odds. To me it feels like I've only ever 'fit in' 0-1% of the time, can't really form bonds with most people and always remain an outsider.
 
I wonder what being part of the group really is though. My opinion could be quite limited to my experience which is similar to yours @330, lacking a sense of belonging anywhere.

But what is being part of a group if it is not simply a connection with individuals in that group? Many of us discuss how one on one communication and interaction is a better fit for us. Any time someone is discussing a group or a community, it inevitably includes a wide variety of people with different opinions, characters, communication styles, and values.

So what does it mean to be a part of a group? When people say that, do they mean feeling like they are friends with the majority of the group? If there are side cliques and groups within the group forming, then really those things are not part of the wider group at all. They are their own thing at that point.

I think across-the-board, it still comes down to connections with individuals. What is the autism community? When people say that, I don’t understand. Is it all people with autism? This forum? Both of those groups are as diverse as can be, and so it wouldn’t make sense to feel a connection universally in the group.

I think there is old biology extant in our brains that suggest being part of a group is useful for survival, and cultural norms tend to reinforce this notion. But what does it really mean to be part of a wide community in current times? This old biology was not designed in a world where they were billions and billions of people. A feeling of connection to more than an insular group seems like it would be illogical and impossible to me.

Of course, that brings me to the insular group… The family… The group by the hearth. Well, I sure have a hard time feeling a sense of belonging there as well. So I don’t know if my theory holds any water here.

In my head, I call it the Lone Sailor Syndrome. The feeling is of being in a small vessel on the great wide ocean. My vessel includes my self identity which is growing stronger every day, and the vessel is equipped with all of the supplies that I need to survive. The vessel mostly spends time out at sea in the great white ocean among the sharks and the dolphins, the cuttlefish and the crabs, deep below the water and the clouds in the sky above.

Occasionally, the vessel comes across a friendly port, a familiar port, and so I steer the ship in and settle there for a short time. But always, the sea and the sky are calling and it will be time to go soon. Leaving the port, perhaps returning again in the future, but always being drawn back to the open sea.

Maybe it is nicer to be a contented sailor than a frustrated groupie. Maybe attaching to a group is a comforting illusion, manifested from desire, fear, and a whole bunch of shoulds.
 
I'm part of a lot of social "groups," but I don't really fit in well with anyone anywhere, and I always feel like everyone else is forming cliques and I'm the one who doesn't have a place in them.
It's kind of depressing but it's been this way my whole life.

I develop very strong friendships and become very loyal to individual people, but I wouldn't consider myself completely partial to any particular "group" of friends. My circle of friends changes constantly, I've gotten used to the idea that most friendships are shallow and transient (and transactional.)

The same handful of close friends have consistently remained in my life for several years, but I've been a part of so many different groups of friends, usually for such a short time that I don't even remember some people's last names or anything, that shows how important we were to each other lol

I have noticed that there have been a lot of cliques on this forum too over the years, some more unfriendly than others, and I haven't really had a place in any of them either. I kind of just interact with whomever I like, and mostly individually. That's how I was in school too.
 
330 said:
Hello everyone, was wondering if anyone here even being part of the autism community feels like an outsider or they don’t belong even here as I do? I am not referring to imposter syndrome. This is much different, something I have felt as long as I could remember in any social group and even within my own family .
its interesting even within the autism community, people tend to group themselves within certain cliques. I know these patterns are human nature and inevitable even among autistic individuals.
But personally I don’t have that mindset to attach to a group.Or this seems hard for me to do especially in real life. I think this part of me has translated to online groups as well, I don’t display this indifference to the world often , I usually keep within . Not a good place to be all the time.
Maybe I am overthinking it as I tend to do with everything.
Click to expand...

While I do connect with individuals here, I relate to what you're saying. I've never felt comfortable with any group identity, whether culturally (punk, goth, nerd, etc.) or with specific individuals. With friends, I see us as connected through mutual appreciation, but not anything more defined than that. I don't relate to clubs, for that reason. Or something like the Rat Pack, or Brat Pack--a kind of identity projected onto you, where everyone is seen as a part they must play. That makes me uncomfortable. I've always thought personality was kind of fake, and just want to exist.
 
I understand and relate to what the OP is saying, but I've never had any interest in being part of a group especially if it has a group mentality. I could never play team sports, I didn't join any clubs in high school or Uni, and I actively rejected two "women's groups" which were en vogue when I first moved where I'm living. I took my baby boy to a mothers' group when I was on maternity leave but felt like a bug in a jar, and couldn't do it even for my son to socialise with other babies. I guess the reason I don't seek groups is because I don't feel comfortable, whether I want those groups or not.

I don't have friends irl and never really wanted any. My online friends are a group of random individuals I love for their unique traits. There's no overriding theme or personality type that I'd want to be with, like a clique or group. I don't choose friends based on what we have in common but on their integrity and their character, even if it differs from my own. I don't know many people here at AF but I have a few friends. Those relationships took years to foster and develop to the point they're at today. I don't find it easy to "fit in" anywhere so I don't think you're alone in feeling like an outsider.
 
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