Fear of failure if I get a job

[SingaSong]

Has anyone else been unable to work due to depression or problems with perfectionism/finding it hard to deal with criticism?

I have had to resign from my last two jobs due to breaking down. Each time it was due to depression/breakdown. This happens when I am afraid I have made mistakes or have actually made mistakes.

I think the situation was exacerbated in each case by the fact that I found it very hard to make any kind of connection with the people I was working with.

After each paid job I have gone back to volunteer. That is fine because I do not feel responsible for what happens. I check everything with supervisor so I don't have it on my mind. When things do go wrong and I am criticised I still find it very hard.
I should be applying for a new paid job. I have found one that I am mostly qualified for but I am very afraid that the same thing will happen and I could end up feeling suicidal again.

 

[Guppyfry]

I think you just have to give yourself permission to make mistakes. Give yourself permission to not be perfect.

I know the feeling/belief that it is all or nothing. Hard as Aspies to grasp that there are nuances and variations in behaviours, facts, feelings. It is hard for many of us to understand and accept that critism does not mean that the person hates us - often it is to help us improve. That someone can critizice you, or see you as less than perfect, and still like you and respect you - that seems contradictory. I know for many years, I only seemed to be able to experience one emotion at a time, and it took personal growth and emotional development to start experiencing several at the same time.

So making a mistake and getting critiziced - think of it as a temporary state that will pass. The mistake is there for you to learn from it, to gain experience, and make you a more whole and real person. When feeling bad over a situation, remember that it is a temporary situation. You can choose to think about it in those terms, and allow yourself to be human and not be perfect.

It was something I had to learn to do also - letting go of needing to be perfect, accepting that negative states are temporary states and not something that defines me, really helped me grow.

 

[Kari Suttle]

Has anyone else been unable to work due to depression or problems with perfectionism/finding it hard to deal with criticism?

I have had to resign from my last two jobs due to breaking down. Each time it was due to depression/breakdown. This happens when I am afraid I have made mistakes or have actually made mistakes.

I think the situation was exacerbated in each case by the fact that I found it very hard to make any kind of connection with the people I was working with.

After each paid job I have gone back to volunteer. That is fine because I do not feel responsible for what happens. I check everything with supervisor so I don't have it on my mind. When things do go wrong and I am criticised I still find it very hard.
I should be applying for a new paid job. I have found one that I am mostly qualified for but I am very afraid that the same thing will happen and I could end up feeling suicidal again.

I feel ya. I grew up with a perfectionist, emotionally/verbally abusive mother with anger issues and mood swings and a constant need to be right about every little thing. When I got my first job - which I still have, actually, a few years later - I had to learn not only how to act on the job, but to give myself permission to be human. I wasn't used to being allowed to have and express feelings and opinions and make mistakes. Still am not, really. I have to constantly remind myself that on the job, we're all human. We're going to get overwhelmed, have a bad day, simply wake up not feeling well, and make mistakes as a result. All I can do at work is try my best and do my damnest to make sure I walk into work feeling as good as I can that day. Make sure I feel awake and alert, make sure I've eaten something substancial, taken any medicine necessary if I feel unwell, drink throughout my shift, etc. I deal with depression and anxiety too, lately I've found listening to fun music helps. So i'm listening to Bon Jovi before I leave for my shift.

 

[SingaSong]

Thank you both for replying. If I'm honest with myself often it isn't that anyone else actually criticises me. I criticise myself more than anyone else ever does.

I'm being hard on myself right now, telling myself that I am stupid and useless because I haven't just made the job application. I'm going to try some of the mindfulness exercises I know to see if I can calm down at least a little bit.

 

[Guppyfry]

Being so negative and harsh on oneself is one of the symptoms of depression - but it can become an ingrained thinking habit, so a vicious circle that is difficult to escape.

One thing I did to stop sabotaging myself with self-critical thoughts is that I made a rule that everytime I caught myself being negative and putting myself down, I'd stop, and force myself to come up with a positive, nurturing, self-celebrating, uplifting thought to replace it.

This does takes a lot of mental energy, and at first, you feel like you are being fake and silly (and who am I kidding? I'm a nobody, loser, etc . . . ), but with practice, it worked. Making the conscious effort to change how you think, changes how you feel.

It was something that worked slowly and gradually over a long time - so you might not even notice the change - but one day you'll look back and remember how hard and critical you were on yourself, and appreciate the progress and be proud of the changes that came about.