Fear of Abandonment and Sabotage

[livinggreen]

Is fear of abandonment a common trait for Aspies? I am starting to realize that it is not just my AS, but a fear of abandonment, that make relationships so internally difficult for me. My mother died when I was 20 and my father died when I was 34 and although I have dealt in part with the loss, I feel like it plays a role in why I hold so tight onto relationships. When I do fall in love, I fall hard and fast and it triggers the fear in me that this person that I now love may decide to just leave one day. Instead of continually accepting their love, I tend to dissect more immaterial things that I find to be "wrong" because of my AS. It's very difficult for me to ascertain what feelings are AS, what feelings are spurred by a fear of abandonment and what feelings are just jealousy and it continually drives me nuts.

As many Aspies I'm sure would agree, when I am driving myself nuts about something I tend to unintentionally sabotage something good. For example, if things are going really well for a stretch in a relationship, I seem to invent an issue. The issue is real to me at the time, but looking back it's always the same story - I am picking on something that I know has some value, i.e. it is reasonable for me to be bothered, but not to the extent that I end up. Then once I begin to look sad or bothered and my partner reacts to that, it keeps getting worse and worse and my sabotage becomes unstoppable. Once I realize I have sabotaged something that was going so well then comes the self-loathing. Does anyone relate to this?

As mentioned in another forum, I really want to start writing down what is bothering me first and then write down a rational response to it, but I still can't muster the confidence to do this even thought I know it would help. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

[tree]

"When I do fall in love, I fall hard and fast and it triggers the fear in me that
this person that I now love may decide to just leave one day."

And so the reasonable thing to do is drive that person away by
sabotaging the relationship? A total WIN! You can't be deserted
when you are the one backing out.

A brilliant strategy.
Can't fail.

A key phrase in OP's statement is "triggers the fear"-----
What story intervened between "I love that person" and "Oh ****, they'll leave me"?

I don't expect an answer from OP.
What I am saying is that between a 'trigger circumstance' and a person's next action,
there is a time of internal story telling and it may not be a rational story prompting
the action.

 

[Slithytoves]

Fear of abandonment is a common trait among humans, period. Your history of parental loss could be the basis for this, but if you think back to childhood and adolescence, you can probably identify other instances of loss (not just deaths) or trauma that have contributed to your fear. Most people who suffer from serious abandonment issues acquired them well before the age of 20, during early stages of development when a person is most dependent on others.

Self-sabotage in relationships is a pattern which rarely has only one root cause. Besides fear of abandonment, other common contributors are fear of vulnerability, problems trusting others, a need for control and low self-esteem. That last one seems to be a biggie. People with low self-esteem feel inadequate and unlovable; they find ways to push people away because they fear their loved ones will eventually see them for who (they perceive) they are, and reject them for it. If you review your history in relationships, you may find that periods of particularly poor self-esteem tend to trigger self-sabotaging behavior. An individual instance may start unconsciously, but it gets compounded by further disappointment in yourself once you realize you're "doing it again."

I used to be a master self-saboteur in many areas of my life. The snowball effect feels awful, but it's very hard to stop once it gets going. I feel for you on that.

The key to overcoming self-sabotaging behavior is learning psychological differentiation. Until you can identify all of the negative messages churning around in your unconscious and separate those from rational thoughts, you can't begin to interrupt your destructive patterns to initiate healthier ones. Starting this thread shows that you're making an effort to take this first, all-important step. Keep exploring, and see a therapist if you need help. My own therapist has said that chronic self-sabotage is one of the harder non-medicateable problems for a person to overcome, so don't feel bad if you find it's too hard to do on your own.

 

[Bro'Freak]

I'm in a similar place livinggreen.. Looking back I realise that the way i feared loosing the one I loved came from a sad place. A place where I saw my love trying to end it all through suicide. This.. this past experience unbeknownst to me affected my recent dealings with someone I was very fond of. I effectively tried to up the anti to force discussion, but as I found out, that route was doomed to fail sort of. Kind of got them to stop worrying about me but I failed to find a place on which to explore our problems.

I found Slithytoves post very succinct & usefull.

 

[Pandorum]

When I do fall in love, I fall hard and fast and it triggers the fear in me that this person that I now love may decide to just leave one day. It's very difficult for me to ascertain what feelings are AS, what feelings are spurred by a fear of abandonment and what feelings are just jealousy and it continually drives me nuts.

Pretty much the same for me. Sometimes it can get pretty bad though, to the point where if I haven't heard from them in the past 12 or so hours I feel as if they're decided to forget me. I don't know why it happens.

When it does happen, I have to remind myself that not everyone has as much time as I do (I'm a student with only 3 days of class, and one day only has one class) and that I'm just thinking too much into it.

I also have to tell myself not to become a person that needs to know what the other person is doing every few minutes.