Family

[RandomBogy]

I ctach my self wanting to be close to my family but I remember how they treated me when we were younger and I can't forgive them. I hate this feeling it feels so lonely im I rude for not forgiving them? For some context, my family hated me being autisic they always made sure to remind me how stupid I was and physically harassed me. It wasn't until I was out of high school that they stopped treating me that way. Now they talk to me like we're one big happy family.

 

[the_tortoise]

If they are not sorry and do not care how they hurt you, I would say: No, you are not rude for not forgiving them.

However, if they really do treat you well now, maybe it would be worth it to try to say something like "Hey, I know you treat me well now...but it really hurts how you treated me before and it hurts that you don't acknowledge that and have never apologized"....just trying to talk to them and tell them you were hurt? If they care about you and are committed to treating you well maybe they will care how they made you feel. Or not...I really don't know, because I don't know your family.

I have been viciously abused by a lot of my family and they will neither ever be sorry nor ever treat me better.

If they actually just treated me better consistently from now on, I might forgive them without an explicit apology or any other acknowledgement of past abuse, but would be afraid of when it would start up again for a long time (or maybe always). But that is just me. (And also purely theoretical -- they will never, ever treat me better.)

It is okay to feel what you feel. Being unable to forgive people who are truly not sorry does not make you rude nor bad, in my opinion.

 

[Mary Terry]

I may or may not forgive people, but I will never again trust anyone who abuses me. I will always be on my guard against them because I know what they are capable of.

 

[NB79]

After the abuse stops, and some time passes is good to forgive, for you, not for them, because it heals you if you can do it, lot of people says holding grudges is very bad for your health.

 

[the_tortoise]

For myself, forgiveness is something one must earn or deserve in another way (e.g. having a valid excuse). It protects me not to forgive people who do not deserve forgiveness, doesn't hurt me one bit.

 

[Judge]

That pretty much reflects my estrangement from my brother and cousin, essentially the last family I had. But I don't see them reconciling with me any more than myself with them. I allowed them to be toxic towards me for too many years, which led to one final blow-up.

Strange to recall that I got along much better with them in the distant past when we were all children. Before adulthood split us apart for long periods of time and we lost touch.

It's weird to feel completely alone, but then I also don't have to dread future interactions with them.

 

[JayLapointe]

I ctach my self wanting to be close to my family but I remember how they treated me when we were younger and I can't forgive them. I hate this feeling it feels so lonely im I rude for not forgiving them? For some context, my family hated me being autisic they always made sure to remind me how stupid I was and physically harassed me. It wasn't until I was out of high school that they stopped treating me that way. Now they talk to me like we're one big happy family.

My view is that a person can move forward letting go of resentment without the need for forgiveness. I'm not sure why people think the two have to be connected they don't. Resentment is what is eating at you, it's what you feel bad about. Let it go. Easier said than done I know, but what's done is done and in the past and you can move forward. You don't ever have to forgive your family but you can certainly let go of the resentment towards them that you've carried for years from the sound of it. That right there is the real burden.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

"Out of sight, out of mind." Initially, there is some guilt... but sometimes it's just best to cut the umbilical cord and go your own way.

For decades I would visit my parents... they lived a few hours away... mainly because I had 2 children and I thought it important that they know their grandparents. However, as soon as I got in the car to leave their driveway, I was just mentally trashed, and my wife and I would just complain the first 30 minutes of the ride home. Once the kids left for their universities, the visits pretty much stopped... then I and my wife got rid of our Facebook accounts... and that was it. After about 10 years of no contact, I found out I was autistic... wrote a letter to my mother and sisters explaining the situation and why it may have contributed to our falling out. My mother never responded. My sisters didn't accept the autism diagnosis... "Everyone has a label these days." Fine. We're done.

 

[Poppy98]

I've heard this from a lot of people who were abused as kids. I guess once the parents and siblings no longer have that control they magically shape up until/ unless you come back under their control (due to severe injury for example). I've heard of the abuse restarting as soon as the perpetrator thinks they're going to get away with it again.

 

[velociraptor]

I ctach my self wanting to be close to my family

I would prefer to have nothing to do with most of my family. Friends are the better choice. Wife and daughter, yes. Cats, HELL YES. One cousin who is awesome, sure. Rest of family? Get stuffed.

 

[the_tortoise]

After about 10 years of no contact, I found out I was autistic... wrote a letter to my mother and sisters explaining the situation and why it may have contributed to our falling out. My mother never responded. My sisters didn't accept the autism diagnosis... "Everyone has a label these days." Fine. We're done.

That is terrible...your family. It's good you freed yourself!

I've heard this from a lot of people who were abused as kids. I guess once the parents and siblings no longer have that control they magically shape up until/ unless you come back under their control (due to severe injury for example). I've heard of the abuse restarting as soon as the perpetrator thinks they're going to get away with it again.

Yep. And sometimes it just never stops, regardless of distance or age or how hard it becomes to control the person...hence the frequency of estrangement between abusive parents/family and abused offspring/sibling. Some people have to not just move away and stop answering calls, but get restraining orders to make it stop.

 

[RemyZee]

Agreed that forgiveness is a tricky practice, but I once did have the experience of someone who genuinely seemed to show contrition and I did have forgiveness toward him and believed that he was sincere. Basically, a family member came to me and sobbed...asking for my forgiveness for some things he had done years previously, putting words to it and trying to reconcile the relationship. It was for something I had held against him for nearly my whole life. I did believe him, and after that apology he changed both in temperament and in how he related to me. It was a powerful experience to be on the other side of that--where I forgave. I also know not all people are capable of contrition, and forgiveness means little when the person keeps causing harm.

 

[Judge]

After about 10 years of no contact, I found out I was autistic... wrote a letter to my mother and sisters explaining the situation and why it may have contributed to our falling out. My mother never responded. My sisters didn't accept the autism diagnosis... "Everyone has a label these days." Fine. We're done.

Sounds disturbingly familiar. I'd post my brother's response about my autism, but the terms and conditions don't allow for such words to be posted.