extremely lonely, but also avoidant with severe social anxiety :P

[late40ontheground]

I don't want this to be a pity party for me, rather I'm asking anyone who has dealt with social anxiety, avoidance pd, etc how you cope and find your people. I have two kids who are my whole life. They are with me every two days but when they are away I get pretty lonely. My company is permanent work from home since the pandemic. I literally go nowhere unless it's to pick up my kids or take them to school. I am so avoidant, I can't even control it. In any social situation, even just saying hi to a stranger my fight or flight amps way up and all I can do to keep my cool is to just keep moving. Smile and nod. It's awkward. I'm almost 49 and online dating is awful compared to how it was 20 years ago. I do see a therapist, but I have been doing that most of my life and it hasn't helped with the avoidance. But I know I better get busy living or get busy dying. I've been divorced for 6 years and it has flown by like nothing.

 

[Tired]

Sorry if this is impolite, but I'm just curious how did you manage to find a partner, marry them and have 2 kids with them with such a severe social anxiety and avoidance?

 

[late40ontheground]

Not at all. It took alot of caffeine and masking. After my divorce I did 2.5 years of ketamine therapy and it really made me realize how much I mask and I just cut way down. That coupled with the isolation has definitely increased my social anxiety.

 

[Outdated]

Is another relationship what you really want? You're getting to an age where that seems less important. I had an incredibly active social life when I was younger but these days I'm happy with just a couple of friends that I only catch up with a couple of times a year.

I don't suffer the social anxiety that a lot of people talk about, I'm someone that starts conversations with random strangers in the street, but the truth is that I simply prefer my own company and I prefer to socialise with strangers rather than have close friends around me all the time.

I'm a little too comfortable sitting at home and don't go out anywhere near as often as I should but for me it's simply a lack of motivation rather than anxiety.

 

[Rodafina]

I'm asking anyone who has dealt with social anxiety, avoidance pd, etc how you cope and find your people

It might be helpful to look into structured activities based around things you are interested in. For example, joining a walking group, volunteering at a food bank, or taking an art class. The activity itself can provide a comfortable structure for the interactions and it's likely to draw somewhat more like-minded people.

I don't feel lonely these days, but when I did, it was enough to just be around people in busy places where I didn't have to interact at all. I really enjoyed going to a city square or a walking promenade to just sit with my headphones on and watch people. That's not a way to meet people, but it was mentally stimulating and good motivation to get out of the house.

 

[Matthias]

I used to have severe social anxiety. Now, I hardly have any anxiety. Here are the things that helped me overcome it:

1. Positive self-talk
You are what you think. If you think negative things about yourself, you will believe them and have more anxiety. If you get in the habit of thinking positive things about yourself (I'm going to try. I can do it. I'm good enough. I'll succeed or at least learn while trying), you'll eventually believe them and become more confident.

Here's a good example: If you make a mistake, you might think you're a failure. You're not. Instead, you learned something (what not to do), which means you've improved yourself. Well done!

2. Thinking more positively about others
If you tell yourself that others are judging you, criticizing you, or lying in wait to harm you, social anxiety is unavoidable. If you focus on the good in others (they're nice, respectful, friendly), you'll have less anxiety around them.

3. Lighten up - Take things less seriously
Even if you make a big mistake and embarrass or make a fool of yourself in front of everyone, it's really not a big deal. Others will forget, not hold it against you, and life will go on because everyone knows that no one is perfect.

4. Practice socializing
Everything gets easier with practice if you have the right attitude and mindset. No amount of positive thinking will help if you limit your interactions with others. Every positive interaction trains the brain to react less negatively in the future while avoiding others reinforces negative perceptions of them. Finding things you enjoy doing with others will make it easier to perceive others more positively, which can really help reduce anxiety.

Do you have severe society anxiety around your kids? If not, then you know it's not genetic. If positive experiences and positive perceptions allow you to interact with your kids without anxiety, it can do the same for others.

 

[late40ontheground]

Matthias, thanks so much for those tips. I will take them to heart. I actually know exactly what you mean and I have practiced those actions in the past. I can do it again.
Love this community. Thanks for all the input from everyone. Merry Christmas.

 

[Matthias]

Matthias, thanks so much for those tips. I will take them to heart. I actually know exactly what you mean and I have practiced those actions in the past. I can do it again.
Love this community. Thanks for all the input from everyone. Merry Christmas.

I'm glad you think they will be helpful and plan to try them. One thing I forgot to mention. I recommend making a list of things that cause social anxiety and ranking each item from 1 to 10. Then, sort the list from least anxiety to most anxiety. Work on interactions that cause the least anxiety first. This will make things easier and increase your confidence. Then, go to the next item on the list until it becomes easier or no longer causes anxiety. The improvement isn't just psychological, it also trains your brain to perceive social situations less negatively, which is important because emotions, such as anxiety, are chemical/biological reactions in the brain that often occur automatically based on how your brain perceives situations based on earlier experiences.

If you want more information or help on creating a list, the psychological term for it that you can search for is "gradual exposure therapy"