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extremely lonely, but also avoidant with severe social anxiety :P

L

late40ontheground

Member
I don't want this to be a pity party for me, rather I'm asking anyone who has dealt with social anxiety, avoidance pd, etc how you cope and find your people. I have two kids who are my whole life. They are with me every two days but when they are away I get pretty lonely. My company is permanent work from home since the pandemic. I literally go nowhere unless it's to pick up my kids or take them to school. I am so avoidant, I can't even control it. In any social situation, even just saying hi to a stranger my fight or flight amps way up and all I can do to keep my cool is to just keep moving. Smile and nod. It's awkward. I'm almost 49 and online dating is awful compared to how it was 20 years ago. I do see a therapist, but I have been doing that most of my life and it hasn't helped with the avoidance. But I know I better get busy living or get busy dying. I've been divorced for 6 years and it has flown by like nothing.
 
Sorry if this is impolite, but I'm just curious how did you manage to find a partner, marry them and have 2 kids with them with such a severe social anxiety and avoidance?
 
Not at all. It took alot of caffeine and masking. After my divorce I did 2.5 years of ketamine therapy and it really made me realize how much I mask and I just cut way down. That coupled with the isolation has definitely increased my social anxiety.
 
Is another relationship what you really want? You're getting to an age where that seems less important. I had an incredibly active social life when I was younger but these days I'm happy with just a couple of friends that I only catch up with a couple of times a year.

I don't suffer the social anxiety that a lot of people talk about, I'm someone that starts conversations with random strangers in the street, but the truth is that I simply prefer my own company and I prefer to socialise with strangers rather than have close friends around me all the time.

I'm a little too comfortable sitting at home and don't go out anywhere near as often as I should but for me it's simply a lack of motivation rather than anxiety.
 
late40ontheground said:
I'm asking anyone who has dealt with social anxiety, avoidance pd, etc how you cope and find your people
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It might be helpful to look into structured activities based around things you are interested in. For example, joining a walking group, volunteering at a food bank, or taking an art class. The activity itself can provide a comfortable structure for the interactions and it's likely to draw somewhat more like-minded people.

I don't feel lonely these days, but when I did, it was enough to just be around people in busy places where I didn't have to interact at all. I really enjoyed going to a city square or a walking promenade to just sit with my headphones on and watch people. That's not a way to meet people, but it was mentally stimulating and good motivation to get out of the house.
 
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