Does anyone feel they get along with no one even though they try and try nothing works?

[e79243]

I feel like I have about 20 very uncomfortable situations going with about 20 people. I feel like about 20 people are all avoiding me all for different reasons. I could name the longest list of issues I have with so many people that are no longer speaking to me. I cannot believe I mean well and come off all the time so wrong to people. I finally quit trying because it just does not work. I cannot stop really upsetting people no matter how well intended I think I am. I am always upsetting someone, saying the wrong thing always, asking a too personal question always. People are always trying not to look my way or they may spark a conversation they want to avoid. They do not want to open Pandora's box with me. People avoid me like the plague. I cannot help that I talk too loud and fast and do not let them have a word in edgewise-it is nervous energy I guess trying to talk to people when I have an issue talking to people so I do the opposite and talk too much

 

[eonbus]

can you tell me why your impressing these people? i mean i am willing to listen to you. try to. i mean you dont seem the problem. i think they are not looking at you as a person. more like a enemy. if you feel that. they shouldnt talk to you. its nothing against you. they might feel like their getting annoyed where you might scream and yell.

 

[Judge]

Based on other threads you've posted in, is it safe to assume you're talking primarily about your work environment? It just strikes me as very toxic existence. One I can relate to existing in for nearly 20 years. I got out...and lived to tell about it.

I went on to find a completely different career where my occupational interactions with others were minimal. Of course where I worked, in looking back I figured most if not half of my coworkers were likely on the spectrum.

You'll find any number of us here who have jobs requiring extensive social interactions. But for many of us, it's a brutal and frankly unwanted and unwelcome exposure. It's true that the economy makes job choices slim to none...but the wrong job can be so physically and emotionally toxic.

 

[e79243]

1 person after I paid for 20 lunches and she kept saying to me "I will get the next one" and never did, that one went south. Another one I gave the $2700.00 because they were about to become homeless and lose their car, but I told people we did this exchange, so she is not speaking to me. 1 person I told them they act like they are 17 year old and now we are not speaking (she kept forgetting her credit card when going to the pharmacy -happened twice) and another time she ran out of gas in car while driving and we had to sit for an hour until someone got there to save us. I told her I was annoyed by all her flighty behavior and now we are not speaking. My sister and I are not talking because I listened to her ***** for 10 years, then finally starting bitching myself on the tail end of the 10 years and she told me to "stop my bitching". I went off with her on that because I had been listening to her for years and being a good friend/sister but she was not the same with me. She did not want to listen to people's issues but she wanted all to listen to her issues. Another friend every time she came in my house she broke something and I always was the one paying for our entertainment so I finally kicked her out because she was a train wreck to me. My ex is not speaking to me because each time he got more income I went and adjusted our child support accordingly by the law of the state. My sister in law -we got into a beef because every time I told her issues going on in my life she would tell me "do not tell your brother it will upset him so I could never tell my brother the bad things going on with my life (this went on for 10 years) until I finally told sis in law "I can tell my brother whatever I want and quit dismissing all in my life" so that went south too. She wanted my brother to always send money to her family in Mexico and if he found out I was having issues he would want to send money my way. She did not want him to send money my way so she would always tell me please do not tell your brother this. She told me this about 10 times in 10 years which really dismissed my issues in life which was not right. I finally told her at Christmas time I will tell my brother what I want when I want and do not tell me that again !!! By the way the girl I gave the 2700.00 to was a co worker, not a friend at all and all her friends gave her nothing only an acquaintance came to help her which was me or she would be out on the street right now

 

[e79243]

90 % of all my issues are with people I have met from work. The only people I end up being friends with are people I meet at work. I have a lot of respect towards you if you put up with a toxic work environment for that long. I am hoping I can find a way to get all this out so I am not so upset about my work environment. I think my best move it so work out a lot and get it out that way

 

[DogwoodTree]

1 person after I paid for 20 lunches and she kept saying to me "I will get the next one" and never did, that one went south. Another one I gave the $2700.00 because they were about to become homeless and lose their car, but I told people we did this exchange, so she is not speaking to me. 1 person I told them they act like they are 17 year old and now we are not speaking (she kept forgetting her credit card when going to the pharmacy -happened twice) and another time she ran out of gas in car while driving and we had to sit for an hour until someone got there to save us. I told her I was annoyed by all her flighty behavior and now we are not speaking. My sister and I are not talking because I listened to her ***** for 10 years, then finally starting bitching myself on the tail end of the 10 years and she told me to "stop my bitching". I went off with her on that because I had been listening to her for years and being a good friend/sister but she was not the same with me. She did not want to listen to people's issues but she wanted all to listen to her issues. Another friend every time she came in my house she broke something and I always was the one paying for our entertainment so I finally kicked her out because she was a train wreck to me. My ex is not speaking to me because each time he got more income I went and adjusted our child support accordingly by the law of the state. My sister in law -we got into a beef because every time I told her issues going on in my life she would tell me "do not tell your brother it will upset him so I could never tell my brother the bad things going on with my life (this went on for 10 years) until I finally told sis in law "I can tell my brother whatever I want and quit dismissing all in my life" so that went south too. She wanted my brother to always send money to her family in Mexico and if he found out I was having issues he would want to send money my way. She did not want him to send money my way so she would always tell me please do not tell your brother this. She told me this about 10 times in 10 years which really dismissed my issues in life which was not right. I finally told her at Christmas time I will tell my brother what I want when I want and do not tell me that again !!! By the way the girl I gave the 2700.00 to was a co worker, not a friend at all and all her friends gave her nothing only an acquaintance came to help her which was me or she would be out on the street right now

One thing that's helped me a lot is to learn about healthy boundaries. Some of this stuff could have been avoided, I think, if you had the ability to hold healthier boundaries from the outset. Not saying it's all your fault, but especially when money starts changing hands in a relationship that is not already on really solid ground...that's a huge red flag that good boundaries aren't in place.

I've also found that, as I've invested in keeping healthier boundaries for myself, I've noticed more quickly when other people have a poor sense of boundaries, and I know to stay away from them or to keep the relationship very superficial, because I know they are, at the moment, incapable of having a healthy relationship. They don't know how to handle responsibility for their own needs, emotions, and choices, which means they're subconsciously (or consciously) looking for someone to handle responsibility of these things for them, and this is very toxic. It just ain't worth it.

 

[e79243]

Dogwood Tree I agree and well said. I felt like if I did not help their family would be on the street. It upset me that she made her problem my problem. When I decided not to help her because she was going to be in the same situation the very next month because no plan, she called me into the conference crying to me to please help. I was upset that she made her problem my problem. As far as the person I paid 20 lunches for, she downright used me. People that use people are just awful. The only reason I let myself get used is because I wanted to get out and about so bad I was willing to keep paying for her meals just to get out and about but it was getting so old "I will get the next one" and never get the next one EVER So when I told her what I thought about the situation she said "this is about money" "you make our friendship about money?' I knew what I was dealing with and got rid of her fast

 

[eonbus]

they need to pay you back the money your giving.

 

[DogwoodTree]

It upset me that she made her problem my problem.

Oh yeah, people with poor ownership of their issues are really good at making their problems to be someone else's problem. But "it takes two to tango", you know? They can only succeed at this missive if you let them. Refuse to own their problem, regardless of the outcome, because you can't change them and you can't fix them. It just enables their poor decisions a little longer when people bail them out of the consequences of their own behavior.

And I totally get the part about being willing to over-give if it means you might have the chance of spending more time with someone. It occurred to me one day, though, that I was in effect "buying" that person's friendship. You can't buy intimacy. That's, effectively, not much different than prostitution (hope that isn't too blunt, but it's the way I've had to think about it in order to break the cycle for myself).

I can't say I've broken through to the other side--it's not like I've got oodles of friends or anything. But I did have to make a conscious decision that I will not accept "junk food" friendship as a substitute for the real thing. I'd rather be without friends than to have junk-food friendships. The empty calories of a junk-food friendship makes it that much more difficult to have space in my life for real friendships, or even to recognize those healthier people when they do come along.

 

[eonbus]

Well i wouldn't want my girlfriend to put me in her problems.

 

[midlife aspie]

Some of those folks may be taking advantage of you. $2700.00 is a lot of money, and you are a very generous person, but without some kind of written contract outlying the terms of the loan, you don't stand much chance of seeing that money again. As to people avoiding you, remember, they are not aware of your differences, and are holding you to the same criteria as a 'normal' adult. If we see a one armed person struggling to carry a load, we are apt to recognize the need for help and offer it with understanding. Our condition is hidden, so instead of seeing a person in need of understanding and assistance, people regard us with a sneer, and the only hope for understanding for us is to be open about ourselves. The only way our place in society will improve is to educate people, and to do that effectively, we must be willing to accept the risk of rejection.

 

[e79243]

How I am trying to educate without saying anything about me, (but they are starting to get a clue) is constantly posting on my facebook about adult's with autism and how some think you do not have it and how you can tell when one has it. I post "the mighty" video's all the time. I cannot believe someone has not come up to me asking why I post these all the time and do I have this. I post constantly on my site Adults with Autism learning material for them to read.