Do people treat you differently on sight?

[Fredd]

They do to me. I have Asperger's and i was reminded of this when i had to go to court today for using my cell phone in the car. I had to speak with the prosecutor first and, while i was waiting on line, i overheard how friendly and chatty he was with everyone. Then, when i sat down, he got very quiet and stern and bruskly asked if i was pleading guilty. I said yes, signed a form, then he said something like "this is going to be expensive for you" with a smirk on his face.

Then, back in court, I was one of the last people called up and i noticed how nice and friendly the judge was with everyone. However, when he called me up, before i said a word, he got very stern. He was also short with me and wouldn't let me explain. I was pleading guilty anyway so it didn't matter too much, though.

This is not an isolated incident. Whenever i have to deal with someone in authority that doesn't know me, they immediately treat me in an unfriendly manner. I try to be as courteous and nice as i can be but it doesn't seem to do any good. Is it just me or do others have this happen?

 

[Judge]

Oh yeah. I've posted a few times how all my defenses are up and how my Aspieness and anxiety is likely to show up in any interaction with anyone who is in authority and above me in a hierarchical sense. It just happens.

But in court I wouldn't take that personally. That's a prosecutor's job to appear confident to taxpayers and voters. Unfortunately to the point of smugness. (I've served on a few criminal juries over the years and have noticed this myself.) It's just one of the unpleasant aspects of the process, socially speaking. Don't lose any sleep over it.

Sadly the public sector is full of people who operate from a perspective of civility (not courtesy) and work downward from there. Sometimes I think I've met all of them.

 

[Fredd]

I've noticed, though, how differently i'm treated before i even open my mouth than that same person treats others around them. Must be something in my face. I know i don't have, "normal" facial expressions and i guess that puts people off.

The one good thing i've noticed about it is it helps keep me honest and on the "straight and narrow" because i know i can't get away with things other people can get away with.

 

[Judge]

I've noticed, though, how differently i'm treated before i even open my mouth than that same person treats others around them. Must be something in my face. I know i don't have, "normal" facial expressions and i guess that puts people off.

Do you experience the same feelings with say, retail store clerks or other salespeople ?

Now if you're interacting with anyone in the legal system, I'm inclined to think that carries a whole different set of social dynamics unless they're there to serve you as a client.

 

[Fredd]

Many times, yes. For instance, once, i was standing in line at McDonalds and the cashier was talking very lightheartedly with the people ahead of me. As soon as i got to the front, i could see her face fall and her expression change instantly. However, usually it's more noticeable with authority figures.

 

[Judge]

Many times, yes. For instance, once, i was standing in line at McDonalds and the cashier was talking very lightheartedly with the people ahead of me. As soon as i got to the front, i could see her face fall and her expression change instantly. However, usually it's more noticeable with authority figures.

Do you remember your own facial expression as you noticed the cashier chatting with people ahead of you? I ask, because to me that can get annoying. If my disdain can be easily read on my face, I won't expect a chatty conversation- or a friendly encounter. Just a business transaction.

But I'm there to purchase something. Not converse with a stranger. So it doesn't bother me if it happens. If you're face is on that "straight and narrow" you may be sending negative vibes to Neurotypicals. At times I know I do. Even if my mind is completely in another place.

Have you taken tests on facial recognition? Just wondering...often Aspies tend to score lower on them. I score nominally at best. It sometimes makes me wonder if my ability to understand facial gestures is as nominal as the ones I give off that I'm not always aware of.

 

[Fredd]

I thought my expression was pleasant. At least that's what i was trying to portray but it's not uncommon for my expression to be different from what it inside without me knowing it. Usually with cashiers, i don't make eye contact and just try to get it over with so it doesn't bother me too much either. However, when i'm dealing with an authority figure, i often find myself thinking, "what the heck did i do to tick this person off?"

I haven't taken any tests on facial recognition but i do have a hard time reading subtleties in expressions. Although, i can tell when someone is obviously annoyed or angry, if it's not very pronounced, i have trouble. I also have a hard time remembering faces until i get to know someone. I've had many embarrassing situations where i spent a lot of time with someone new and then had no idea who they were the next day.

 

[Judge]

I thought my expression was pleasant. At least that's what i was trying to portray but it's not uncommon for my expression to be different from what it inside without me knowing it. Usually with cashiers, i don't make eye contact and just try to get it over with so it doesn't bother me too much either. However, when i'm dealing with an authority figure, i often find myself thinking, "what the heck did i do to tick this person off?"

That's your challenge. Try to become more cognizant if possible, over your own facial expressions. Maybe even body language as well. Stuff that may be foreign to us, but may well be second nature for NTs. You may be simply giving off the wrong impression at the wrong time.

Eye contact is a little trickier. It strikes me as one of those classic traits where people have varying abilities to deal with it. I was fortunate, in training myself at a young age to look people in the eye mostly to gain credibility when needed. It's still uncomfortable, but I can do it. I know not to can have consequences- especially with anyone in the legal field. (Helps having relatives in law enforcement.)

 

[Progster]

Yes, this happens to me all the time, but not because of having Asperger's. It's because I'm a foreigner living in a different country. My skin colour and facial characteristics are slightly different, and I find the people sometimes patronize me, assume I don't speak their language, or worst of all, they assume I'm a tourist and am only interested in the beach, lager beer, partying and all the other stereotypes that go with it, grrrr! I hate it when people assume things about me without knowing me.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

This happens to me occasionally, I think it is because I have 'resting b1tch face'. I've been informed that my relaxed face looks like I'm glaring, and that my 'acknowledging someone I don't know' expression is more like a sneer than the pleasant smile I intend

 

[Fredd]

That's your challenge. Try to become more cognizant if possible, over your own facial expressions. Maybe even body language as well. Stuff that may be foreign to us, but may well be second nature for NTs. You may be simply giving off the wrong impression at the wrong time.

But how do i know what my facial expression looks like in a situation like that? I guess i can practice in front of a mirror, but if it changes out in public, i can't really tell because i can't see it.

 

[Warmheart]

Yeah, but people act as they're just blown away by the doofy way I move.
I'm kind of a human-shaped wrecking ball.
Holy dyspraxia, Batman!
I'm with the Ministry of Silly Walks.

 

[Spiller]

Yeah, but people act as they're just blown away by the doofy way I move.
I'm kind of a human-shaped wrecking ball.
Holy dyspraxia, Batman!
I'm with the Ministry of Silly Walks.

Warmheart, where did you find that picture of me?

I think there are days when I'm more aware of myself, more present inside my body, more comfortable than others. These are the days I can act more like people around me, my walk feels ok, my voice sounds better and I think I've got a reasonable expression on my face (I do practice in front of a mirror).
The days I feel less present I call Alien Robot days - I feel stiff and slightly unco-ordinated, my legs don't feel like my own, my face feels like a mask and I have no idea what expression is there. I also notice a lot of people staring at me and my theory is that they're actually only subliminally aware of my difference, as even they don't know they're staring.

I've noticed that I seem to be far more aware of my surroundings than most people and I'm certainly aware of when I'm being looked at as I spend a lot of time practicing interaction, even if it's just making eye-contact in passing. Because of this I'm less inclined to think that I'm just being paranoid at those times - I think differently, therefore I act differently, so I'm treated differently.
People don't feel comfortable around difference.

 

[tree]

Do people treat me differently on sight?
They:
A. Fail to notice that I am there at all.
B. Are startled that I have somehow "just appeared" stealth fashion.
C. Say that I must be cold.

I feel like:
I look like an animated accumulation of sticks
dressed as a crow. This is how I experience
what I believe people see, if they look at me.

 

[Judge]

But how do i know what my facial expression looks like in a situation like that? I guess i can practice in front of a mirror, but if it changes out in public, i can't really tell because i can't see it.

That's why I referred to it as a "challenge" and not simply a solution. As a possible trait there are no guarantees. But being self-aware is always a starting point when it comes to self-improvement, if and when possible.

On occasion I catch my own face in reflections...and sometimes am surprised by what I see. Something most of my life I never gave any real thought to- until recently.

 

[Judge]

Yeah, but people act as they're just blown away by the doofy way I move.
I'm kind of a human-shaped wrecking ball.
Holy dyspraxia, Batman!
I'm with the Ministry of Silly Walks.

I take it then that both of your legs have been properly subsidized by the ministry to walk silly. Bravo.

But onto more serious things. Do you have your Hungarian phrasebook handy to translate?

 

[Slithytoves]

I'm with the Ministry of Silly Walks.

But onto more serious things. Do you have your Hungarian phrasebook handy to translate?

My hovercraft is similarly full of eels, Warmheart. I'm sure that sometimes people look at me in public and wish driving a body required a license so I would be out of their way.

Weirdly, I have the opposite effect on people from you, Fredd. People tend to be nicer to me than to others around me, authority figures included. I think it's probably because I'm a very smiley person, 5' tall and entirely unintimidating. Ha! If they only knew.

Humans depend on snap judgments and make them unconsciously, with lightning speed, vestigial of our primitive past. The messages they get from you may have nothing to do with who you really are at all (including your ASD). It may not even be worth trying to change anything, provided you're doing your best to be appropriate and appear friendly, because there are just too many possibilities for you to figure out which one(s) could be the culprit. You could drive yourself crazy trying, especially where very brief interactions are concerned.

Judge in particular has given you some excellent input on every aspect of your questions, so if you're determined to try for a different reception, I'd put all of his suggestions on your shortlist.

 

[Fredd]

Humans depend on snap judgments and make them unconsciously, with lightning speed, vestigial of our primitive past. The messages they get from you may have nothing to do with who you really are at all (including your ASD). It may not even be worth trying to change anything, provided you're doing your best to be appropriate and appear friendly, because there are just too many possibilities for you to figure out which one(s) could be the culprit. You could drive yourself crazy trying, especially where very brief interactions are concerned.

Judge in particular has given you some excellent input on every aspect of your questions, so if you're determined to try for a different reception, I'd put all of his suggestions on your shortlist.

Thanks. I'm going to do that. I do admit to feeling sorry for myself and brooding when things like this happen so if there's something simple i can change, i'd like to do it. I'm going to try to be more aware of my facial expressions. My problem is that i was consciously trying to be pleasant at that last incident because i was thinking of the prior biases i've experienced. Maybe i was trying TOO hard and it caused me to have an odd expression. I don't know.

 

[Spiller]

Weirdly, I have the opposite effect on people from you, Fredd. People tend to be nicer to me than to others around me, authority figures included. I think it's probably because I'm a very smiley person, 5' tall and entirely unintimidating. Ha! If they only knew.

^This^ for me too.

I'm naturally well mannered, considerate, respectful of others, though it seems to go unnoticed much of the time, but I do wonder just how much actually is noticed by others on a subconscious level, so worth maintaining, I think and not retreating into myself when I'm out there..
I believe I put out a calm, non-threatening/aggressive/preying vibe, in contrast to most males' mix of defense/aggression/indifference (I put these forward as some impressions I've gotten from people, whether they're encountering me or I'm observing their interaction with others'.. but I am an Aspie, so it's just my guess) that, I think, just slightly encourages others to help me when I'm expecting nothing - not always, but I am sometimes aware of more positive interaction than I'm observing with others.. as I mentioned earlier, I watch people all the time.

Practice being friendly with shop assistants, or anyone in public services (however they are toward you) and watch how they're treated by others.

I had a traffic policeman let me off when I forgot to tax and insure my car for 2 months (first offence, I genuinely had forgotten), I wasn't profusely apologetic, I was simply calm, let the guy know that I knew he could take my car away and thanked him for not doing so, then promised I'd rectify the situation immediately, which I did. I was surprised, but I think he felt that I was genuine.
I've seen other people in similar situations lie, get aggressive, cry.. it looks to me that people naturally attempt to adopt a stance to dominate the situation, whether by intimidation, sympathy, embarrassment.. the intensity varies with the situation, but it's a habitual response. I don't mean to generalise as it doesn't happen all the time, but I've seen/felt it in people a lot.

Maybe this is my advantage as an Aspie - people know I'm not like them, but they also know, when it's relevent to them, that I'm not like most people.

 

[royinpink]

i don't make eye contact and just try to get it over with

This actually seemed to be the biggest red flag to me. Lack of eye contact is perceived by NTs as either distracted/uncaring or lying/shifty. Neither will get you a good response--especially with authority figures. I'm sure the 'get it over with' attitude is picked up on as well, but they may take it personally, as anger or annoyance.

As for faces, yeah, we are notorious for being less expressive or seeming 'cold' even when we don't feel that way. Yeah, a mirror could help, or maybe photos.