Hello, you may call me Vargo. I'm male, 39 years old and I live in Germany. I'm married, no children and I build customized heating systems as a living. I used to work as a plumber, but now I work in a factory with set work hours and less contact with people. I have struggled with depression for the vast majority of my life and I have often felt misunderstood. I'm undiagnosed, but I've always suspected something's different with me, even as a child. I've done online tests that always suggest I have autism, but they don't seem reliable and I also struggle with how to answer some of the questions, since I tend to overthink it. I plan to get in touch with a psychiatrist to get an official diagnose, but that will take years.
Here are some more background:
- Temperament has been a big issue in my life. I had extreme temper tantrums as a child and my family had no idea how to handle me. I've eventually learned to control my temper, but every now when I get overwhelmed, I will throw or kick something (like a couple of months ago at work when I broke my toe). Fortunately, I do not direct my outbursts at people, only things. Unfortunately, I've had to learn to control my temper on my own, as an adult. I eventually realized that losing my temper, almost always did me a disfavor and is only useful when applied consciously in very specific situations. So that became my motivation to get better. The how, was by figuring out exactly what it is that makes me angry and then use my anger in a way that is helpful to me. "Anger gets stuff done".
- Social skills, is still a big issue in my life. Part of it is from the language barrier of living in a foreign country, but even when visiting my home country I find it challenging. I hate it when strangers wants to talk to me and I fear phone calls especially. I don't like groups of people, but I can manage one on one. I do challenge myself to be more social daily and I even though I hate it, I do notice that it's good for me to do so. I've often struggled with making myself understood verbally, and get very annoyed when people either don't hear me (making me feel ignored) or just don't understand what I'm trying to say. I'm also very introverted and prefer to be left alone, especially when doing something. Talking to people is very draining, partly for having to mask certain emotions (and anxieties) and partly because of having to pay attention without getting much in return. I have often been made a fool for taking people words literally and not understanding sarcasm (even though I enjoy both sarcasm and irony). I'm consiously practicing eye-contact when talking to people and I don't think it's something I necessarily have a problem with, but I will often look somewhere else when listening intently. Most of my friendships are gone, partly because I've moved around a lot in my life, but I also struggle with making new friends. I've found that I'm a much better communicator in written form.
- Tics and restlessness. I've always had tics, like tensing certain muscles over and over again, and making weird humming noises. Even though I don't always notice, my wife has told me I do have a problem with sitting still. I've often had restless legs syndrome, which I've found to be triggered whenever I change my diet and lasts for weeks or months. It got so bad at some points that the only way to fall asleep was to either sit in a cold dip or burn them with hot water (sometimes both were needed).
- Sensory sensitivity. Loud noises are the fastest way to trigger my temperamental outbursts. Certain high frequencies are especially painful for me and I can hear sounds that most people can't, which has been confirmed in audiometry tests. I also have a pretty good sense of smell and people's odors can bother me especially. As for light, I do get migraines, but I since I got glasses with blue light filter it's been less of an issue. I do also wear sunglasses outdoors. Even though I'm a handyman, I hate getting my hands dirty. I always work with gloves and I wash my hands often. I don't like the touch of certain materials. Otherwise, I am very touchy (exclusively with people I like) as physicality is my love language. But I do find it hard to cuddle for more than a few minutes as it tends to sensory overload or get too warm.
- Routines. This is a tough one, because I've convinced myself that I hate routines, but I know I need them and actually live by them without always being conscious about it. I strive for change, but I also fiercly resist it. I think the main issue lies in wether I do them by choice or if they are imposed on me. I like change and starting over with a clean slate, because when life sucks, something has to change and it's freeing to (pretend to) leave baggage behind and move on. And my life has sucked for the majority of it. These days I'm more conservative and I've managed to find a balance where when a routine in either my life or my wife's life isn't sustainable, we try new routines until we find something better and we really don't like it when those new routines get interrupted by unforeseen events and will do our best to plan for any possible future complications to make our lives as smooth as possible. This has helped with our depressions immensely.
- Empathy. I've read that some people with autism can struggle with empathy. In my case, I think I struggle with having too much empathy. I think one of my strong points is emotional intelligence and I find it very easy to relate to other people and animals. I often get emotional from music and I enjoy playing music for myself. I seem to have an affinity for learning new instruments and people always complement me on my singing and how emotional they get from listening. However, I'm not an entertainer and I'm very self critical when performing in front of people. I have a big problem with people having narcissistic and psychopathic traits and will spot them almost immediately. I really hate seeing people and animals suffering, while kindness makes me emotional. I will cry from movies, if I watch them on my own. Society is not kind to men who cry openly.
Here are some more background:
- Temperament has been a big issue in my life. I had extreme temper tantrums as a child and my family had no idea how to handle me. I've eventually learned to control my temper, but every now when I get overwhelmed, I will throw or kick something (like a couple of months ago at work when I broke my toe). Fortunately, I do not direct my outbursts at people, only things. Unfortunately, I've had to learn to control my temper on my own, as an adult. I eventually realized that losing my temper, almost always did me a disfavor and is only useful when applied consciously in very specific situations. So that became my motivation to get better. The how, was by figuring out exactly what it is that makes me angry and then use my anger in a way that is helpful to me. "Anger gets stuff done".
- Social skills, is still a big issue in my life. Part of it is from the language barrier of living in a foreign country, but even when visiting my home country I find it challenging. I hate it when strangers wants to talk to me and I fear phone calls especially. I don't like groups of people, but I can manage one on one. I do challenge myself to be more social daily and I even though I hate it, I do notice that it's good for me to do so. I've often struggled with making myself understood verbally, and get very annoyed when people either don't hear me (making me feel ignored) or just don't understand what I'm trying to say. I'm also very introverted and prefer to be left alone, especially when doing something. Talking to people is very draining, partly for having to mask certain emotions (and anxieties) and partly because of having to pay attention without getting much in return. I have often been made a fool for taking people words literally and not understanding sarcasm (even though I enjoy both sarcasm and irony). I'm consiously practicing eye-contact when talking to people and I don't think it's something I necessarily have a problem with, but I will often look somewhere else when listening intently. Most of my friendships are gone, partly because I've moved around a lot in my life, but I also struggle with making new friends. I've found that I'm a much better communicator in written form.
- Tics and restlessness. I've always had tics, like tensing certain muscles over and over again, and making weird humming noises. Even though I don't always notice, my wife has told me I do have a problem with sitting still. I've often had restless legs syndrome, which I've found to be triggered whenever I change my diet and lasts for weeks or months. It got so bad at some points that the only way to fall asleep was to either sit in a cold dip or burn them with hot water (sometimes both were needed).
- Sensory sensitivity. Loud noises are the fastest way to trigger my temperamental outbursts. Certain high frequencies are especially painful for me and I can hear sounds that most people can't, which has been confirmed in audiometry tests. I also have a pretty good sense of smell and people's odors can bother me especially. As for light, I do get migraines, but I since I got glasses with blue light filter it's been less of an issue. I do also wear sunglasses outdoors. Even though I'm a handyman, I hate getting my hands dirty. I always work with gloves and I wash my hands often. I don't like the touch of certain materials. Otherwise, I am very touchy (exclusively with people I like) as physicality is my love language. But I do find it hard to cuddle for more than a few minutes as it tends to sensory overload or get too warm.
- Routines. This is a tough one, because I've convinced myself that I hate routines, but I know I need them and actually live by them without always being conscious about it. I strive for change, but I also fiercly resist it. I think the main issue lies in wether I do them by choice or if they are imposed on me. I like change and starting over with a clean slate, because when life sucks, something has to change and it's freeing to (pretend to) leave baggage behind and move on. And my life has sucked for the majority of it. These days I'm more conservative and I've managed to find a balance where when a routine in either my life or my wife's life isn't sustainable, we try new routines until we find something better and we really don't like it when those new routines get interrupted by unforeseen events and will do our best to plan for any possible future complications to make our lives as smooth as possible. This has helped with our depressions immensely.
- Empathy. I've read that some people with autism can struggle with empathy. In my case, I think I struggle with having too much empathy. I think one of my strong points is emotional intelligence and I find it very easy to relate to other people and animals. I often get emotional from music and I enjoy playing music for myself. I seem to have an affinity for learning new instruments and people always complement me on my singing and how emotional they get from listening. However, I'm not an entertainer and I'm very self critical when performing in front of people. I have a big problem with people having narcissistic and psychopathic traits and will spot them almost immediately. I really hate seeing people and animals suffering, while kindness makes me emotional. I will cry from movies, if I watch them on my own. Society is not kind to men who cry openly.
