Did you think your family members or anyone else had autism?

[Kit]

Note: Please read this post first before responding, the title isn't what you think it is due to limited characters.


I used to think my mom had autistic symptoms too because this would explain why she thought I was perfect under eyes, normal, and saw my symptoms as normal and why she didn't see the disorder. If she has traits herself, this would all be normal to her. I also thought other people had the same traits too because they would say they have this problem too and stuff so they think it's normal. Did this not bother anyone else when people would tell you everyone has troubles with it, everyone feels different, everyone has to fake it, etc. because you also thought they had that same difficulty as you?

I had to learn through on here and other autism forums that is not what people actually mean when they say "that happens to everybody" or when they go "me too." I do have to wonder though how do you differentiate between someone having actual autism symptoms or autism like ones and someone just being NT? You can't tell just by looking at someone. I just always assumed it was just as hard for them or else they wouldn't have said it. So if baffles me how can anyone else here not make that same assumption as I did.

 

[Progster]

I had to learn through on here and other autism forums that is not what people actually mean when they say "that happens to everybody" or when they go "me too."

So when people say this, they mean something else? If that's not what they mean, then what do they mean?

 

[OkRad]

Very good question. Like if abnormal is normal is it abnormal?

I would say it is not abnormal. My family has LOTS of Aspie traits. And it is a good family! A lot of love.

Now, I would feel differnetly if we hated one another and I saw NTs all happy. THEN I would think it was not normal or at least not OK.

Thoughtful post you made there. i will be thinking further. That is just my immediate response.............

 

[Katleya]

This makes me think of the theory of mind, which sometimes I feel I understand perfectly well, and other times I can't wrap my head around.
I can't say I ever questioned things from that specific angle you're mentioning, mostly because I didn't self-diagnose or get officially diagnosed until I was well into adulthood, so autism wasn't what came to mind when comparing my trail of thought to that of others. As a result, I also never actully discussed most of the things I was struggling with, because I figured until my early 20s (at best) that everybody else was struggling with those same things. Spoiler alert: turns out that they were not.
I did, however, notice similarities between my parents and myself, and major differences between my peers at school and myself, which I attributed to coming from a different culture. You can imagine my surprise when I spent more time, especially as an adult when I could really pay attention to how other people behaved, in my father's home country and realized that nope, he wasn't anything like his fellow citizens, so our blunt attitude wasn't just a cultural thing.
As for a parent saying "me too", that has actually happened a lot with my mother; but she was actually relating, not trying to minimize my perception of things, and this, along with further research on AS in women, is how she realized she, too, fell somewhere on the spectrum. She's just not a "raging Aspie" like my dad & I

But it's really tricky to grasp the idea that some aspects of ourselves, not just in the ways we think, can't be generalized to the rest of the population. How does one compare with others when they've been a certain way their entire life, and they are surrounded by people similar to them? I grew up in an Aspie nest. Seriously, NTs are a tiny minority on the side I spent the most time with. So it got me more acceptance within that inner circle, but what a rude awakening upon realizing our bunch wasn't exactly like what's referred to as "the norm".

 

[pjcnet]

It's natural for a mother to be clouded by love for her offspring which could also be a factor when seeing their autistic child as perfect. It is theoretically possible for an autistic mother** (also please see below) to believe that her autistic child is "normal", but even though I'm autistic I most definitely know the differences between people who are NT or autistic and I can usually spot if another person has autistic traits, probably better than many NTs. I know more about autism than most by experiencing it myself as well as by being exposed to other autistic people, but I've also learnt about NTs by being exposed to them too, then I've been even further educated by the media, books and the Internet. In other words it's likely that the only way an autistic mother wouldn't realise her autistic child wasn't "normal" is if she was never exposed to NT people or even educated about them as then she wouldn't know any different, but this is of course highly unlikely (obviously an autistic child would have to grow old enough to show autistic traits before anyone would know).

So in my opinion abnormal can become the "norm" if you were barely exposed to "normal" people and to some extent abnormal can become the "norm" at special schools. People and especially children tend to copy others around them and it's therefore in my opinion very possible for children to start copying the way other special children act even if they didn't show their specific traits or condition before as if most children are acting that way it must be "normal". If there was 2 identical autistic children and 1 was sent to a special school, while the other to a "normal" NT school, after a few years the autistic child sent to the NT school would be acting more NT than the other child who may even be picking up traits from other special children (this was one reason why my parents sent me to an NT school against all expert advice, the other was to give me better opportunies, the problem was I had a terrible time, plus I was viciously bullied). Even if a totally "normal" NT child was brought up around only autistic children and even family they would be the abnormal one and they'd most likely start emulating autistic traits in the same way as many autistic people learn to emulate being NT amongst mainly NT people. Normal in this case is the vast majority and if most people were autistic this would be classed as "normal". Note: Even if an autistic person can emulate being NT extremely well it doesn't make them any less autistic, similarly if an NT person was emulating being autistic they'd still be just as much NT.

** When I've referred to an autistic mother I've assumed she is on the higher functioning part of the autistic spectrum, if she was lower functioning like both my adult brothers, E.g. can't count, add 2+2, read/write, tell the time Etc, then I would sincerely hope the mother wasn't as low functioning as them because effectively statutory rape would have taken place. This is because she wouldn't be able enough to understand and give her consent in a similar way to a very young child despite being an adult physically. I have also assumed that her child is higher functioning too, if a mother was higher functioning and had a lower functioning son or daughter there is no way she wouldn't know something was wrong as it would be totally blatant.

 

[fairy_girl]

I used to think that my mom had some autism since she has a physical sensitivity like me but that's as far as it goes in the understanding of myself. I had friend that I was almost positive that she had autism but it just turns out that she was shy and nervous about being found out as being gay.

 

[Progster]

I don't think that anyone in my family was autistic, but one or two or them had some odd traits. Another thing that I also heard was that some people on the spectrum have parents who are extreme systemizers - engineers, mechanics, etc. and my father was certainly like this. He also had strong, absorbing interests in certain things, and used to monologue quite a lot, but that's about as far as it goes - autistic? I don't think so. I don't know much about my mother as she died when I was still a baby, other than she liked sci fi. I grew up in the 70s and 80s, when autism was only understood in its severest form, because I didn't have a speech delay (that I know of), nobody would have believed that I have any form of autism (although the private tutor I went to suspected it).

I would like to add to the points that @pjcnet made by saying that the outcome of a child on the spectrum also depends on the attitude of those around them, especially the family. I didn't go to a special school, but my brother did, as he has Tourette's and learning disabilities. My parents were told that he would never be independent and never hold down a job and it would have been easy to accept this and not encourage him to try and do things for himself, to assume that he was going to be incapable, but they didn't, he was never at any point told that he couldn't do something because of his disability but encouraged to do things for himself and be independent, and he was able to complete a college course, gain employment, have his own house and live on his own, albeit with some support.

The school also thought that I might have learning disabilities like my brother, and I did at that point have issues with schoolwork, being organized, erratic behaviour and social difficulties, so they wanted to put me in a slow learners' class, but my parents said no to this because they thought that the teachers were wrong and that I was actually quite intelligent and insisted that I continue in the same class. Instead, they arranged a private tutor for me. I continued to have social difficulties and later depression, but in the end I did ok academically and was able to go to university, which wouldn't have happened if I had gone to a special school.

 

[Chance]

Note: Please read this post first before responding, the title isn't what you think it is due to limited characters.


I used to think my mom had autistic symptoms too because this would explain why she thought I was perfect under eyes, normal, and saw my symptoms as normal and why she didn't see the disorder. If she has traits herself, this would all be normal to her. I also thought other people had the same traits too because they would say they have this problem too and stuff so they think it's normal. Did this not bother anyone else when people would tell you everyone has troubles with it, everyone feels different, everyone has to fake it, etc. because you also thought they had that same difficulty as you?

I had to learn through on here and other autism forums that is not what people actually mean when they say "that happens to everybody" or when they go "me too." I do have to wonder though how do you differentiate between someone having actual autism symptoms or autism like ones and someone just being NT? You can't tell just by looking at someone. I just always assumed it was just as hard for them or else they wouldn't have said it. So if baffles me how can anyone else here not make that same assumption as I did.

Its cool that your mom was so cool!
I think of "Theory of Mind" on this also, which had to explained to me as an adult. Also I wasn't in a positive setting as a kid. My differences were made extremely known to me, and not tolerated by my parents, teachers, or some others. So I grew up "knowing" something was "wrong" with me only to find out as a grown up it was ASD and other stuff.

As far as other family members having it. My Grandma (who has passed) and one cousin (my blood Aunts son). We are close to the same age. As we were growing up, we weren't really close, but now days we are kind of more like brothers than cousins. I think we kind of quietly figured out we were getting into trouble for the same type stuff and we are both pretty quiet and alone otherwise. So it helps but we always seem to get caught in the crossfire of the constant family feuds and near all out wars. My family is complicated and they are not gentle people.

So with my differences always being a problem that at times angered people I have no problem thinking I am normal. I also KNOW that if "normal" is to be like the monsters I have been surrounded by most of my life... I want nothing to do with it.