Did I Mess Up?

[Callistemon]

I want to say that I have seen something similar to this in my own family and what follows is just my reading of the situation.

Orion is addicted to a toxic substance, i.e. a manipulative girlfriend! I saw it happen with my brother a long time ago and it ended quite badly... eventually. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, Orion will not respond well or act like someone who is thinking rationally. That is the hallmark of an addict and the drug is sex.

Of course, I could be completely wrong about that and I hope I am.

I'm going to somewhat disagree here to say that Orion himself is responsible for his own behaviour, and that addictions to substances and/or relationships aren't the primary issue here, and need not be considered for handling the primary issue, which is about the right of people to set boundaries in their own homes and the right of potential visitors to come or stay away depending on how they feel about those boundaries.

Speculation on secondary issues and other parties tends to shift the responsibility away from where it belongs, and make "excuses" for poor behaviour.

I'm mentioning this because I'm from a family where I saw my mother for many years blame my brother's bad behaviour towards others on his wife, and her alleged sexual hold over him. The responsibility for an adult's behaviour lies with the adult, not with their spouse, or with addictive substances.

 

[Misery]

Hm, it's a rough situation.

I can sorta understand where they're coming from... sort of.

If I were to go stay somewhere (which I do, frequently) I do have requirements of my own as well... if these arent met, I cant go to wherever it is.

But... they're not exactly hard to meet. A blacked-out room to sleep in, and a desk/table where I can sit and Do Things without interruption. And... well, not much else. As long as I can escape to that room when necessary, it's all fine. These are things I can simply do while keeping to myself. And things I can do in a hotel room... no need to really put anyone else out.

And I expect it's similar for a lot of people on the spectrum.

That's very different though from "dictate group outings" or "hog the TV that everyone uses".

Just outright demanding to control everyone is definitely not okay. There's got to be limits to it.

 

[Berushka]

I was told the girlfriend thought I used my autism as a way to avoid her, and I was a terrible mother for not welcoming her and changing all three household members' routines to accommodate her. Orion started yelling even worse at me, and he sounded so much like his abusive father I couldn't deal anymore and told him that.

Oh god... First, I think that people here responded right, I also agree with them. Since I don't have a child, I cannot give you a relevant reply or advice. But second, when I read this quote I was shocked. Her behaviour is truly unaccpetable and disgusting. It'd hurt me so much that I am not sure if I would be able to see that person ever again. She doesn't respect you, your condition, your family and your rules. And I think (maybe I'm wrong, I don't know any of you, but this how it seems to me) that she influences a bit your son as well. I feel truly sad how she and he could do that in your house. For me it's truly unbelievable.

So I think you did the right thing. Hopefully it'll be resolved to everybody's best interests

 

[_eri_bellehumeur]

Nope. You did everything you could to help him. It was his girlfriend that threatened to kick him out, and then when you offered to help, she nosed in, expected a whole household (of people on the spectrum, no less) with their own responsibilities, routines, and lives to restructure it around her whims. I have anxiety attacks, and used to have them almost daily- there are reasonable requests to make of people when you visit them, and then there is deciding to tag along, uninvited, to a persons home during a time that was already going to be stressful and expect them to build their entire life during your visit around you. Absolutely unbelievable. Even if this situation your son and his girlfriend proposed wasn't going to disrupt all of your routines, the disrespect alone warrants cancelling on them. You did not mess up in any way- a solution to THEIR problem was offered, which already put stress on you, and they took advantage. That's on them. Hopefully it will be a good lesson for the both of them.

 

[KimS]

I'm not sure how to put this nicely since it is your son. I can say this, if I had a son and he behaved like that towards his mother, he would not get away with it. That's for sure. It's not accetable. He's 21, 21 year old guys get easily addicted to girlfriends and forget everything else and he still needs to learn a few things. It happened to me too. And you didn't mess up, he messed up.

Thanks for saying this. I think I've been kind of a doormat for him, especially since the start of his transition.


The next time he tries to teach you things about life, remind him who wiped his butt and fed him.

 

[KimS]

It's all been said already and I've got nothing to add except a cyberhug or cyberbow (whichever is preferred) to the OP, and to say that this is a fabulous group of people who have replied here. ♥

I've spent a fair bit of today dealing with the fallout of setting a firm boundary on an entitled and rude past guest, and it's nice to be back in a universe where people believe in ground rules, personal boundaries and good manners.

This is such a great community, isn't it? Hugs for you, too. Boundaries can be so hard to maintain!

 

[KimS]

Hm, it's a rough situation.

I can sorta understand where they're coming from... sort of.

If I were to go stay somewhere (which I do, frequently) I do have requirements of my own as well... if these arent met, I cant go to wherever it is.

But... they're not exactly hard to meet. A blacked-out room to sleep in, and a desk/table where I can sit and Do Things without interruption. And... well, not much else. As long as I can escape to that room when necessary, it's all fine. These are things I can simply do while keeping to myself. And things I can do in a hotel room... no need to really put anyone else out.

And I expect it's similar for a lot of people on the spectrum.

That's very different though from "dictate group outings" or "hog the TV that everyone uses".

Just outright demanding to control everyone is definitely not okay. There's got to be limits to it.

I feel like you would be a lovely, thoughtful guest with very reasonable expectations. Thank you, it helps me to hear this.

Hm, it's a rough situation.

I can sorta understand where they're coming from... sort of.

If I were to go stay somewhere (which I do, frequently) I do have requirements of my own as well... if these arent met, I cant go to wherever it is.

But... they're not exactly hard to meet. A blacked-out room to sleep in, and a desk/table where I can sit and Do Things without interruption. And... well, not much else. As long as I can escape to that room when necessary, it's all fine. These are things I can simply do while keeping to myself. And things I can do in a hotel room... no need to really put anyone else out.

And I expect it's similar for a lot of people on the spectrum.

That's very different though from "dictate group outings" or "hog the TV that everyone uses".

Just outright demanding to control everyone is definitely not okay. There's got to be limits to it.

 

[KimS]

Oh god... First, I think that people here responded right, I also agree with them. Since I don't have a child, I cannot give you a relevant reply or advice. But second, when I read this quote I was shocked. Her behaviour is truly unaccpetable and disgusting. It'd hurt me so much that I am not sure if I would be able to see that person ever again. She doesn't respect you, your condition, your family and your rules. And I think (maybe I'm wrong, I don't know any of you, but this how it seems to me) that she influences a bit your son as well. I feel truly sad how she and he could do that in your house. For me it's truly unbelievable.

So I think you did the right thing. Hopefully it'll be resolved to everybody's best interests

I'm feeling a need to distance myself for a least a short period of time. His words were very hurtful. I appreciate you validating my feelings.

 

[KimS]

Nope. You did everything you could to help him. It was his girlfriend that threatened to kick him out, and then when you offered to help, she nosed in, expected a whole household (of people on the spectrum, no less) with their own responsibilities, routines, and lives to restructure it around her whims. I have anxiety attacks, and used to have them almost daily- there are reasonable requests to make of people when you visit them, and then there is deciding to tag along, uninvited, to a persons home during a time that was already going to be stressful and expect them to build their entire life during your visit around you. Absolutely unbelievable. Even if this situation your son and his girlfriend proposed wasn't going to disrupt all of your routines, the disrespect alone warrants cancelling on them. You did not mess up in any way- a solution to THEIR problem was offered, which already put stress on you, and they took advantage. That's on them. Hopefully it will be a good lesson for the both of them.

I really appreciate hearing the viewpoint of someone who experiences anxiety attacks. I'm a little afraid of doing anything that will trigger her attacks, because those attacks must be awful to experience. I don't understand why she would want to come down into a triggering situation.

 

[Alexej]

I don't feel guilty about canceling, but I wonder if I should.

No you should not be guilty