Demand Avoidance

[Neonatal RRT]

I stumbled across this topic: Demand avoidance in autism. I've never heard of this, but having it explained, I can totally relate to this. I experience this several times a week.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Interestingly enough, I feel almost the precise opposite. I have very little initiative, and when only by myself, I tend to do very little. I mostly spend time browsing news sites and these forums, even when there is plenty of other stuff I want to do, or feel like I should be doing. As soon as someone mentions one of those things however, and tells me to do them, I immediately spring to action and go to work. I am an extreme people pleaser and not wanting to disappoint someone is an excellent motivator to get things done, even when I have been putting something off for a long time prior.

If I am doing tasks, I also prefer having a time limit, and the more detailed the instructions (or more of them), the better. Even the examples he gave work almost the precise opposite for me. If no-one says anything, I am very unperceptive and tend not to notice or think about what needs to be done around the house. As soon as someone does talk however, I do the work as soon as is possible (I do start things by my own initiative if it has become a habit however). In university, I always tended to be the one answering questions as I didn't want the teacher to be disappointed or annoyed by no-one answering. Looking at my personality, I have quite low proactivity but high reactivity, and bystander syndrome does not affect me much, at least compared to others.​

 

[Ronin82]

I find I have a weird mix of things going on. I definitely have some PDA, but for the most part, its not a major player. HOWEVER!!! I've discovered that the time-constraint and reliance issues are certainly a thing for me, but I've discovered that the best way to get me to do something is to phrase it as a request with no expectations attached. I'm generally very happy to be helpful to others and am generally looking for things to do, so as long as the request is respectful and I feel some"escape hatch" room in the request, it will get done barring any other disabilities getting in the way. I do have some issues with authority and ODD, so the attitude of the requestor can play a factor, but I for-sure have some actual PDA going on, especially when I'm under stress. So frustrating!

 

[SusanLR]

I certainly relate to the time demand.
Appointments, meetings, or being told I must finish a task by a certain time.

I just feel a resistance inside when these demands are put upon me.
Inside, I know what needs to be done, but I want to do it on my own terms
and time.
I know I will get it done by the time it needs to be done in, barring no interruptions
that are unforeseen get in the way.

I always procrastinate when there is an appointment to be somewhere at a certain time.
I'm not late, but I put off things I need to do in preparation for being there.
It is very common for me to say, "Oh, I only have 10 mins. to get there in!"
When it really should be a 20 min. time zone I give myself to get in the car, leave
and drive there. Procrastination.
But I've always said I wish I lived in a world without watches.

 

[Progster]

Yes, I experience this to some extent. Expecting me to do something is often met with resistance. People asking me to do things can be overwhelming, depending on the circumstances.

 

[SimonSays]

It was once said I would cut off my nose to spite my face when it came to fulfilling someone else's expectations for me. Even if doing the thing itself benefited me greatly. I'm a lot better at not doing that now, but it can still depend on who the someone demanding something is.

If the thing does need to be done though, and I accept that, I will never avoid it. I will do it now, or as near to now as I can, so that I can remove the thought that will keep reminding me that I still need to do it.

I don't like having, or need, a time limit, and will do a thing the best way I know, even changing or adjusting it later if I have a better idea and I still can. But I definitely know the resistance feeling that can so easily arise, almost like I have to avoid the idea being presented at all costs. It's such a resistive feeling, and often seems so unreasonable too. I think it's an ego thing. A control thing.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I don't like having, or need, a time limit, and will do a thing the best way I know, even changing or adjusting it later if I have a better idea and I still can. But I definitely know the resistance feeling that can so easily arise, almost like I have to avoid the idea being presented at all costs. It's such a resistive feeling, and often seems so unreasonable too. I think it's an ego thing. A control thing.

Nailed it!

My life is so frigg'n hectic at work,...and I literally have to jump and do things,...it's non stop. So when I am away from work, I need to regain some control. My wife,...well, if you have a wife,...you know what that is like,...love her, but she's always got some project or some task for me to do,...always,...relentless. I swear some days I have an electronic button on my butt, and as soon as it touches a chair or a couch, it triggers an alarm in her brain,...and I'm being beckoned to do something else. After 35+ years of this, I totally get this "demand avoidance" behavior. I used to get really pissed, then it became sort of humorous,...and now, it's just tiresome. Granted, my wife has sort of backed off on me over the years, but there are things I am thinking of right now that my wife wants me to do that I have been putting off for years,...don't have a good explanation other than the thought of doing it is so daunting and overwhelming, I wouldn't know where to start and I fear it will suck the life out of me. LOL!

I watched the video above, and I sort of questioned the psychology of "I can't" or "I am unable". I think your thinking has to be in the right frame of mind in order to be receptive to an idea or demand. I may be wrong,...all I can comment on is my own personal experience with this phenomenon.

 

[Crossbreed]

As a parent & co-head of household, I can see this being a problem if you live in someone else's home, but living in my own home, there are so many things that if I didn't do them, they wouldn't get done.

I am the only driver. I am it for groceries, pharmacy, fast food runs, etc.
My wife is faithful around the house. She prefers to do the laundry. On good days, she will run some errands on her bicycle just to get out of the house.

Demand Avoidance only seems possible if one does not own their responsibilities.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Demand Avoidance only seems possible if one does not own their responsibilities.

I think you're mostly correct if looking at it from a more "control" perspective. As you suggest, there are things in life, whether you want to do them or not, you just have to do,...those get done because those are "priorities". Then there are things in life, that fall into the realm of "voluntary",...things that if you got hit by a bus tomorrow and died,...and those things didn't get done,...it would be of little consequence. Then there are things in life that probably "should" get done,...there's some planning involved, steps to be taken, time is involved, work to be done to finish it,...finishing the basement into a livable area, cleaning up the storage area after 20+ years, replacing the flooring in the house after 20+ years of use, updating your lecture series for the upcoming classes you have to instruct,...sometimes the thought of it after coming home from work exhausted is too much. At some point, whether I like it or not, it will have to get done,...I gain some courage and motivation, then my wife points out that I should start on a particular day,...and I always manage to wiggle my way out of it due to some logistical issue,...and then it's on the "back burner" again.