Dealing with extreme loneliness

[BrianWV39]

I am a naturally happy and optimistic person. I doubt I would still be alive today if I were not. For perhaps obvious reasons my autism has led to great loneliness in life and that lead me to having real struggles with depression. I went to many years of therapy mostly to deal with my depression. The problem is we dealt with my depression and not my loneliness. I mean to be fair we talked endlessly about my struggles to make connections. But after more than a decade in therapy I was just as alone and lonely as ever.

One of the many downsides of severe depression is it can lead to a person losing joy in thigs they once got a great deal of joy from. The activities and interests I have has shrunk more and more as the years have gone by. It feels like my world has become smaller and smaller.

I'll admit I am not really sure what I would want to do with a girlfriend if I had one. I just don't know what interests might come back to me. I suspect I will tolerate both reading and watching tv and movies much more if I were in a relationship. Now I feel so disconnected from those worlds, from those stories. I don't do either anymore really. It is tough telling people you do not really know what you will like doing before you start dating them.

I miss my old friends from college. I miss them very much. I do not really have much interest in people anymore. Realizing how different I was made me feel like there was an unbridgeable gap between me and other people. So, I isolated. I am very lonely. I doubt I will ever be very social again. But I can imagine a world where I have a very small social circle and a few very close friends if I have the support of a girlfriend.

I feel like I am in a waiting stage of my life. I am trying to cope with my loneliness long enough to get a girlfriend and try and start building the interests and corners of my life back. I am so very lonely.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I am thinking the worst thing we can do to ourselves is to physically self-isolate. I totally understand the implications of our "social battery". I don't have a problem with people, in general... as long as it's in small doses. However, being Gen X, there were no computers and phones to hide behind... and we certainly were not allowed to be in the house... so it more or less forced us out into society. Introverted or not, we had access to a lot of people... and being a heterosexual male... girls. The reality is that, as males, we simply became comfortable with rejection... meet a 100 girls... maybe you get the attention of 2 or 3... maybe 1 becomes your girlfriend for a while. The reality is that it's a competitive world out there. Nowadays, people want to hide behind their electronic devices... men and women... and it's brutally difficult. The reality is that people need to see each other in the real world in order to socialize and communicate effectively... people need to see that smile and feel physical touch... and yes, there is the high risk of rejection... as there always has been.

Now, obviously, we require a "certain type" of person... either someone completely the opposite of us that can complement ourselves, to fill in the gaps, and the two of you can be an unstoppable team... or someone just like us that can bond with commonality. Those are two extremes... but frankly, by eliminating all the other potential candidates, it makes partner choices more simple.

Having said all that... nobody... nobody... is going to be attracted to an outwardly depressed person. One look from across the room and "nope"... not going there. This requires some masking... trying to come across as a bright eyed, friendly, open, kind, strong person when you're feeling depressed and lonely... and vulnerable. How you pull that off requires some acting skills... bait on the hook, if you will. If you get someone to bite, then there's a potential for that loneliness and depression to fade away... and you won't have to mask any longer.

 

[BrianWV39]

I am thinking the worst thing we can do to ourselves is to physically self-isolate. I totally understand the implications of our "social battery". I don't have a problem with people, in general... as long as it's in small doses. However, being Gen X, there were no computers and phones to hide behind... and we certainly were not allowed to be in the house... so it more or less forced us out into society. Introverted or not, we had access to a lot of people... and being a heterosexual male... girls. The reality is that, as males, we simply became comfortable with rejection... meet a 100 girls... maybe you get the attention of 2 or 3... maybe 1 becomes your girlfriend for a while. The reality is that it's a competitive world out there. Nowadays, people want to hide behind their electronic devices... men and women... and it's brutally difficult. The reality is that people need to see each other in the real world in order to socialize and communicate effectively... people need to see that smile and feel physical touch... and yes, there is the high risk of rejection... as there always has been.

Now, obviously, we require a "certain type" of person... either someone completely the opposite of us that can complement ourselves, to fill in the gaps, and the two of you can be an unstoppable team... or someone just like us that can bond with commonality. Those are two extremes... but frankly, by eliminating all the other potential candidates, it makes partner choices more simple.

Having said all that... nobody... nobody... is going to be attracted to an outwardly depressed person. One look from across the room and "nope"... not going there. This requires some masking... trying to come across as a bright eyed, friendly, open, kind, strong person when you're feeling depressed and lonely... and vulnerable. How you pull that off requires some acting skills... bait on the hook, if you will. If you get someone to bite, then there's a potential for that loneliness and depression to fade away... and you won't have to mask any longer.

If someone does not want to date me because I am depressed, then they are not the right person for me. I have severe depression due to always being single. That is who I am. I am looking for someone who can still accept me with that.

The good news is I believe my depression should go away very quickly with a little bit of help from a partner

 

[Chingching]

I am prone to depression, self-loathing and suicidal thoughts - and I'm in a stable, happy marriage.

 

[BrianWV39]

I am prone to depression, self-loathing and suicidal thoughts - and I'm in a stable, happy marriage.

I am sorry, want to switch?

 

[Hypnalis]

If someone does not want to date me because I am depressed, then they are not the right person for me. I have severe depression due to always being single. That is who I am. I am looking for someone who can still accept me with that.

The good news is I believe my depression should go away very quickly with a little bit of help from a partner

A generally useful principle:

"The best way to get what you want from another person is to give them what they want".

You have chosen to exclude yourself from that by demanding acceptance of you exactly as you are, without considering compromise or any form of exchange.

It's a valid adult choice, but you're moving the "statistics of possibility" far away from where they could be.

 

[BrianWV39]

A generally useful principle:

"The best way to get what you want from another person is to give them what they want".

You have chosen to exclude yourself from that by demanding acceptance of you exactly as you are, without considering compromise or any form of exchange.

It's a valid adult choice, but you're moving the "statistics of possibility" far away from where they could be.

I have never masked and never will. I have never told people what they want, and I have never played any games. I have no interest in starting now.

But I am a very honest, kind and loyal person

 

[Hypnalis]

I have never masked and never will. I have never told people what they want, and I have never played any games. I have no interest in starting now.

But I am a very honest, kind and loyal person

You present yourself as being uncompromising. Not criticizing - it's as I said it's a valid adult choice.
But you'd be wise to think more about the consequences.

Demanding a potential romantic partner accepts you exactly as you are is a terrible basis for a romantic relationship.
Even if you are otherwise perfect.

BTW: I'm not trying to convince you to change who you are. I'm suggesting you look at yourself from the perspective of other people.
This isn't as easy for ASDs as it is for NTs, and you might not do it as well as an average NT, but it's certainly not impossible.

 

[Azeth]

Personally. I think seeking a girlfriend to 'instantly' fix depression is not the right approach to this. People, who are NTs, who do this are typically see the same result. If there is a relationship that happens, it's typically unhappy due the "I can fix him/her" mentality. Not to say the potential of things improving can't happen, but it very slim chance.

Seeking someone else to fix your life, because you are not willing to do so yourself. This is unfair for both people involved. Though it's more so unfair to the potential partners. I agree with @Neonatal RRT in this regard with no one wanting anything to do with someone who outwardly depressed at all times. It's generally unattractive.

I know you stated that you have no desire make more friends but maybe try to do so anyway. I am not saying to give up trying to find a girlfriend. But make a effort to improve your situation with your socail interactions. The only way to practice is to try, try again.

As someone who has had alot depression on and off, and is likely still dealing with it. The things you feel you don't want to try doing, are likely the things that'll actually help.

Holding on to what you lost in the past, will perpetually stick you in this depressed state. You can say that you are not hanging onto your past friends internally. But by not moving on. You are still hanging on to what you lost, whether you know it or not.

I am not claiming to be an expert. I honestly cannot make you do anything. But all I do is give you my two cents and general suggestions. That's all anyone can do. The rest is up to you.

 

[BrianWV39]

You present yourself as being uncompromising. Not criticizing - it's as I said it's a valid adult choice.
But you'd be wise to think more about the consequences.

Demanding a potential romantic partner accepts you exactly as you are is a terrible basis for a romantic relationship.
Even if you are otherwise perfect.

BTW: I'm not trying to convince you to change who you are. I'm suggesting you look at yourself from the perspective of other people.
This isn't as easy for ASDs as it is for NTs, and you might not do it as well as an average NT, but it's certainly not impossible.

I am not asking anyone else to change for me. I will fully accept someone as they come. I am not a believer in a person improving oneself. I accept people as they come. So I am just looking for the right person

 

[BrianWV39]

Personally. I think seeking a girlfriend to 'instantly' fix depression is not the right approach to this. People, who are NTs, who do this are typically see the same result. If there is a relationship that happens, it's typically unhappy due the "I can fix him/her" mentality. Not to say the potential of things improving can't happen, but it very slim chance.

Seeking someone else to fix your life, because you are not willing to do so yourself. This is unfair for both people involved. Though it's more so unfair to the potential partners. I agree with @Neonatal RRT in this regard with no one wanting anything to do with someone who outwardly depressed at all times. It's generally unattractive.

I know you stated that you have no desire make more friends but maybe try to do so anyway. I am not saying to give up trying to find a girlfriend. But make a effort to improve your situation with your socail interactions. The only way to practice is to try, try again.

As someone who has had alot depression on and off, and is likely still dealing with it. The things you feel you don't want to try doing, are likely the things that actually help.

Holding on to what you lost in the past, will perpetually stick you in this depressed state. You can say that you are not hanging onto your past friends internally. But by not moving on. You are still hanging on to what you lost, whether you know it or not.

I am not looking for anyone to fix me. I think the fix will come simply by being in a relationship and getting support and care in a relationship. Nothing special, just being in a relationship I think will help me tremendously with my depression.

I am not a naturally depressed person. I am depressed because of years of isolation. I wish there were other ways to fix my depression. But I think the only way is in a realtionship. So that is what I am looking for

I am not looking for anything else right now in my life.