Crumbling relationship maybe?

[King_Oni]

Let?s preface with my issue here; I have no clue where my current relationship is heading.

With that out of the way, let?s see;

Currently I feel that it?s a matter of time before my relationship is over. I?ve had this feeling for a while now, and actually, I had this feeling a bit when I started it. I told her to see how it?s going to work out, but I can?t guarantee something is going to work out.

So, what?s going on? I?ve been dating a girl for the past 6 months and so far we didn?t have any fights or serious arguments over anything. That in general is a good thing I guess. However, I?m all up for making progress now, and in my opinion her idea of a relationship isn?t really a lot from the way we droned along those past 6 months. I might have an issue to not knowing where I actually want to go here, since both our futures in regards to outlooks aren?t that great.

A small tidbit of information about my girlfriend which will be vital to this case;
she has been diagnosed with Asperger?s as well as PDD NOS (so either is a misdiagnosis probably) as well as ADHD (takes meds for it) and as well as anxiety disorder (for which she also takes meds)

• Neither of us cares to get married.
• Neither of us wants kids (well, I know I won?t for the time being, but she might still want them at some point)
• Because of my current situation with social services I can?t live/share apartment with anyone since it?ll be a financial cutback for me (a major cutback that is). I still live at my parents, she still lives at her parents.
• She?s currently filing for disability benefits and looking to get enrolled in a special needs education program for the next few years (which means no income for her. She lives with her parents so that in general isn?t the problem in terms of living, but it might be an issue to think about a serious future. Especially since there?s no guarantee school will actually work for her). The situation for her isn?t green lit, and school starts in a few weeks, so chances are she?ll NOT be in school then, and essentially be in the same boat as me. And all while she's having her hopes up for her education, I honestly don't see future for her in becoming a graphic designer (with a minor 2 year course). It has to do with the amount of people already in that field of work, as well as current students learning this, on a way higher level than her special needs program. I'm not putting it down, I'm just looking at her options and how it might be hard for her to land a job afterwards.
• I have no clue how my disability benefits situation is going to pan out. I might stick in unemployment land for the long term.
• I kinda know what I want to do in the future and to be honest; it doesn?t involve a girl/woman. It doesn?t involve anyone else but me. But I?m well aware that such interpersonal relationships might stabilize my situation and mood a bit to achieve those goals. Still I don?t think it?s as if I?m ?leeching? of of someone.

Add in a few other issues;

• For about a year I felt rather miserable. I?m slowly crawling out of that depressing hole. I?m sure that she contributed in my well-being here. I am however also sure that it was enough effort for her to keep up with my ?antics? when I was feeling miserable, down and weak. I?m already noticing that she wants me to slow down (not necessarily with actions towards her)? but my ?zeal? to get stuff done now is way to overwhelming for her. I don?t want to be held down when I?m having a manic episode to get stuff done. That puts me right back in feeling miserable? I can?t deal with having my momentum ?stolen?. I addressed things like this in general towards her, and even things she was involved in, and it came down to ?well, take it slower?? to where I replied (and I possess enough self-knowledge to state this); If I take it any slower I might as well go backwards, I rather just NOT do it then.
• While for the first few months it all went fine in terms of just communicating, I?m more and more prone to not really care. It has nothing to do with actively not caring, but I just get this uneasy feeling in my stomach since I have to sit through things I don?t care about? at all. It just feels like talking for the sake of having a conversation. Similarly, I don?t really have a lot of intentions to tell her about things I did. I told her this and she told me ?but I like your stories?? well? I don?t like listening to my own stories again. I heavily dislike this deja-vu feeling
• More and more I?m beginning to dislike physical contact again. I didn?t mind a hug every now and then, but I loathe if she?s clinging onto me. And after repeatedly telling her to stop it, she?ll just act all depressed and sad. Well, I?m annoyed if you do so? there are apparently 2 different needs going on. Last week I went to the cinema with her. If I go to the cinema I want to watch a movie, nothing else. There?s no handholding, no hugs, kisses or any other interaction except the ones I?m having with my drinks. But the same goes on if I watch a movie at home.
• I don?t want to be a bastard and tell her to stop texting me and switch off my phone, but I went through this numerous times. ?Don?t text me on a regular basis?. Well, if it?s not texting it?s different means to send me a message. I don?t talk to her daily on IM, and I don?t want to, and as such I don?t want to talk to her through some app on my cellphone either, just for the sake of talking.
• Since it?s a long distance relationship, we don?t see each other a lot. She usually comes over once every 2 weeks or so and as such stays overnight. I already told her; before we hooked up that I?m not really someone to have people next to me in bed. I sleep terrible in those situations, but it seems like a really good excuse for her to come over and stay overnight because she came a long distance. I understand, but if I visit someone and travelled 3+ hours to get there, the last thing I want to do is sleep. I hate sleeping with a passion anyway, yet I feel I can?t force her into not sleeping and having fun. It sounds quite unreasonable I think.
• Even if she has summer holidays now, my daytime thing I have going on (and I had that going on when we hooked up already) in terms of sleeping a bit during the day and getting things done in the night is a problem. I can?t imagine this not being an issue if she gets back in school again. And I should state that in the past few months before she had holidays, she was on her way out to drop out of college anyway, that?s why it worked somewhat. Now; with me feeling better I sometimes have 48 hour days and have that aforementioned ?zeal? to do stuff, then sleep for a few hours at a random time? there?s no schedule to my life (and I like it like that). I can see how this is going to be an even bigger issue in the near future.

I could probably ramble on and on, but I?ll keep it at this. In a way it?s not necessarily a lot of ?adult? problems I guess? it does become an issue since these are things that apparently repeat again since my last relationship and the one before that. So with an outlook on the future even if my current relationship fails, I can see how the next one will go the same route after a while.

Also; keep in mind? while this might be egotistical from my side and it?s all about what bothers me. I?m well aware that there are 2 people involved and you could work on it. It takes two to tango, but I don?t really know if I?m up for doing the tango this way. A fair share of this might be things that one can say ?well, you can change them?? I?ve seen therapists for those issues; doing these things my way is a way of self-medication to keep me sane and calm. Perhaps I?m a despicable person that rather keeps to himself and his habits rather than give in for someone else. I bow to no one, not even the ones I love(d).

So with that? I don?t know? do I want advice? Maybe I just wanted to get it out there. Maybe people experienced similar things in their life they want to share.

 

[total-recoil]

I was very friendly with one girl and started to grow a lot more fond of her. We texted a lot and rode bike together. As a friend she's very loyal and really stuck up for me once. Then, suddenly, I started to go distant and cold. The thinking was I doubted if I could have a real relationship because it also seemed she'd disconnect from me if someone else was there. As if suddenly I no longer existed somehow. I know we've all noticed how that happens when you have aspergers and somehow other people tend to ignore you, even family. So, I got colder and then just started to back off and I also felt depressed. One minute we'd be like brother and sister and then the next time I'd feel really cold as if if disconnected. Finally I think maybe she got hurt a little although I really can't say for sure.
Like yourself, my asperger situation I now realise put me at a disadvantage in as much as it's hard to find employment in a recession. It becomes more difficult and I think ego also was a factor as I don't feel right being with someone who is doing O.K. and employed while I'm in limbo. It's partly a male thing, perhaps, to do with esteem.
Don't know what will happen really. If I were her I'd not blame her for being angry but I really can't seem to help how things are. Don't feel at all ready for a relationship but hope maybe one day I can come through it. And I do hope out friendship survives but I sometimes blame myself for being so complex and often cold to friends. Truth is I do think a lot of her and it's been kind of painful.

Let?s preface with my issue here; I have no clue where my current relationship is heading.

With that out of the way, let?s see;

Currently I feel that it?s a matter of time before my relationship is over. I?ve had this feeling for a while now, and actually, I had this feeling a bit when I started it. I told her to see how it?s going to work out, but I can?t guarantee something is going to work out.

So, what?s going on? I?ve been dating a girl for the past 6 months and so far we didn?t have any fights or serious arguments over anything. That in general is a good thing I guess. However, I?m all up for making progress now, and in my opinion her idea of a relationship isn?t really a lot from the way we droned along those past 6 months. I might have an issue to not knowing where I actually want to go here, since both our futures in regards to outlooks aren?t that great.

A small tidbit of information about my girlfriend which will be vital to this case;
she has been diagnosed with Asperger?s as well as PDD NOS (so either is a misdiagnosis probably) as well as ADHD (takes meds for it) and as well as anxiety disorder (for which she also takes meds)

• Neither of us cares to get married.
• Neither of us wants kids (well, I know I won?t for the time being, but she might still want them at some point)
• Because of my current situation with social services I can?t live/share apartment with anyone since it?ll be a financial cutback for me (a major cutback that is). I still live at my parents, she still lives at her parents.
• She?s currently filing for disability benefits and looking to get enrolled in a special needs education program for the next few years (which means no income for her. She lives with her parents so that in general isn?t the problem in terms of living, but it might be an issue to think about a serious future. Especially since there?s no guarantee school will actually work for her). The situation for her isn?t green lit, and school starts in a few weeks, so chances are she?ll NOT be in school then, and essentially be in the same boat as me. And all while she's having her hopes up for her education, I honestly don't see future for her in becoming a graphic designer (with a minor 2 year course). It has to do with the amount of people already in that field of work, as well as current students learning this, on a way higher level than her special needs program. I'm not putting it down, I'm just looking at her options and how it might be hard for her to land a job afterwards.
• I have no clue how my disability benefits situation is going to pan out. I might stick in unemployment land for the long term.
• I kinda know what I want to do in the future and to be honest; it doesn?t involve a girl/woman. It doesn?t involve anyone else but me. But I?m well aware that such interpersonal relationships might stabilize my situation and mood a bit to achieve those goals. Still I don?t think it?s as if I?m ?leeching? of of someone.

Add in a few other issues;

• For about a year I felt rather miserable. I?m slowly crawling out of that depressing hole. I?m sure that she contributed in my well-being here. I am however also sure that it was enough effort for her to keep up with my ?antics? when I was feeling miserable, down and weak. I?m already noticing that she wants me to slow down (not necessarily with actions towards her)? but my ?zeal? to get stuff done now is way to overwhelming for her. I don?t want to be held down when I?m having a manic episode to get stuff done. That puts me right back in feeling miserable? I can?t deal with having my momentum ?stolen?. I addressed things like this in general towards her, and even things she was involved in, and it came down to ?well, take it slower?? to where I replied (and I possess enough self-knowledge to state this); If I take it any slower I might as well go backwards, I rather just NOT do it then.
• While for the first few months it all went fine in terms of just communicating, I?m more and more prone to not really care. It has nothing to do with actively not caring, but I just get this uneasy feeling in my stomach since I have to sit through things I don?t care about? at all. It just feels like talking for the sake of having a conversation. Similarly, I don?t really have a lot of intentions to tell her about things I did. I told her this and she told me ?but I like your stories?? well? I don?t like listening to my own stories again. I heavily dislike this deja-vu feeling
• More and more I?m beginning to dislike physical contact again. I didn?t mind a hug every now and then, but I loathe if she?s clinging onto me. And after repeatedly telling her to stop it, she?ll just act all depressed and sad. Well, I?m annoyed if you do so? there are apparently 2 different needs going on. Last week I went to the cinema with her. If I go to the cinema I want to watch a movie, nothing else. There?s no handholding, no hugs, kisses or any other interaction except the ones I?m having with my drinks. But the same goes on if I watch a movie at home.
• I don?t want to be a bastard and tell her to stop texting me and switch off my phone, but I went through this numerous times. ?Don?t text me on a regular basis?. Well, if it?s not texting it?s different means to send me a message. I don?t talk to her daily on IM, and I don?t want to, and as such I don?t want to talk to her through some app on my cellphone either, just for the sake of talking.
• Since it?s a long distance relationship, we don?t see each other a lot. She usually comes over once every 2 weeks or so and as such stays overnight. I already told her; before we hooked up that I?m not really someone to have people next to me in bed. I sleep terrible in those situations, but it seems like a really good excuse for her to come over and stay overnight because she came a long distance. I understand, but if I visit someone and travelled 3+ hours to get there, the last thing I want to do is sleep. I hate sleeping with a passion anyway, yet I feel I can?t force her into not sleeping and having fun. It sounds quite unreasonable I think.
• Even if she has summer holidays now, my daytime thing I have going on (and I had that going on when we hooked up already) in terms of sleeping a bit during the day and getting things done in the night is a problem. I can?t imagine this not being an issue if she gets back in school again. And I should state that in the past few months before she had holidays, she was on her way out to drop out of college anyway, that?s why it worked somewhat. Now; with me feeling better I sometimes have 48 hour days and have that aforementioned ?zeal? to do stuff, then sleep for a few hours at a random time? there?s no schedule to my life (and I like it like that). I can see how this is going to be an even bigger issue in the near future.

I could probably ramble on and on, but I?ll keep it at this. In a way it?s not necessarily a lot of ?adult? problems I guess? it does become an issue since these are things that apparently repeat again since my last relationship and the one before that. So with an outlook on the future even if my current relationship fails, I can see how the next one will go the same route after a while.

Also; keep in mind? while this might be egotistical from my side and it?s all about what bothers me. I?m well aware that there are 2 people involved and you could work on it. It takes two to tango, but I don?t really know if I?m up for doing the tango this way. A fair share of this might be things that one can say ?well, you can change them?? I?ve seen therapists for those issues; doing these things my way is a way of self-medication to keep me sane and calm. Perhaps I?m a despicable person that rather keeps to himself and his habits rather than give in for someone else. I bow to no one, not even the ones I love(d).

So with that? I don?t know? do I want advice? Maybe I just wanted to get it out there. Maybe people experienced similar things in their life they want to share.