connecting to self when with others

[Sab]

I don’t really have any tips or tricks to offer.

I tend to make interaction (face to face) about the other person, it just seems easier to get through.


I don’t have many answers when others ask about me.
I can rattle on about those connected to me, family and the like.

Even when was me-centred (therapy) - I used to make stuff up because not feeling much of anything about something appeared to be a wrong answer.

I wonder if you could remind yourself to check in with yourself somehow?

Make a practice of reminding yourself you’re an individual with your own needs?

Thanks for your advice Yeah, that's definetely what I'm going to try doing more. Sometimes, it's hard to realize that I'm feeling disconnected from myself and remember to check in about my wants and needs. I guess the more I do it, the easier it will be to notice when I feel less present.

 

[Sab]

This is a good topic because it's something that happens to us and we may not even realize it.

It is necessary for us to maintain our own thoughts. NTs may call it disassociation, but it's not.

When I am around others, I tend to become the unpaid therapist. This is because I was in my own comfy world as a child. When I went into "therapy" they cajoled me into thinking I was bad and broken. So I mimicked. I watched how others acted and eye contact and all that.

I never really got it, but got the basics. Eye contact, seering eye contact. People would say, "FreeCat really can focus on what i am saying!" (A teacher said that). No, it was because i found if I stare at you, you think I am listening but I can zone out.

So people thought I was their therapist. I don't mind an occasional person sharing with me. I like that and respect that and it is what friends do. but I mean the person who DUMPS on you always. Never stops. Dominates.

Then it progresses. Then they act like they are in their living room around you. They will play their own music loud on their phone, never thinking you might hate it because you are just the sounding board. They start with NT things I don't understand. Jokes and unsaid gestures and quips and saying one thing but meaning another or saying something I just cannot figure out and before long, to try to stay on top of it all, they are all I can think about---not because I am attaching, but because I now have to stay on my toes all the time to try to understand, to respond in the right way, not to meltdown when they push too far........

GOOD GRACIOUS, Go away!!! make it stop!!

People absorb me,
Rope me in,
Steal my mind, right
behind me back!
Pour their thoughts into my head,
their senses dead
while mine explode in rage
to engage......
madness!

Yeah it really is people absorbing me. It does make sense that it happens because you're really focussed on understanding the other person and wanting to respond in the right way. I hadn't thought about it that way. I'm just used to making space for others. But that «therapist» role sort of came naturally. And now it's like: Oh maybe it would be a good idea to find a way to pay attention to myself when I'm with other people.

 

[Sab]

Yes, I have this same feeling. Never knew how to explain it and that others feel it too.

When I was younger I frequently felt like I was becoming the person I was with. If it makes sense..

A few years ago I started working with children and then I noticed that with kids I manage to remain “myself”. I think about it a lot, what is it that’s different with children... it might be that with children I feel they’re not judging me but grownups do. Unintentionally, but they do. So I suppose I’m afraid of being judged for being myself.

That totally makes sense! I also got that feeling too of becoming the person I'm with when I was a bit younger. Sometimes even mimicking their behavior and expressions. It was really hard to know what I liked and why, I always liked what others liked.

Maybe with children there are less expectations to act a «normal» way?

 

[Sab]

Just can relate to all, what is written above. Sometimes I talk with my students about what NT humans feel. What they declare is normal, often sounds very strange to me, like being from another planet.
Basic emotions like joy, anger, fear and love I'm able to spot within myself. And I can feel them very strongly. With complex emotions like jealousy or envy it's more difficult.
Today I tried to imagine within a group situation, what this or that person's emotions might be behind a verbal expression or tone of voice. I remarked, that I can conceptualize them and might be totally wrong, but on a bodily level I just feel numbness. (This group situation was specific: we were about ten people in a relatively dark room watching photographies and discussing them. So I was not socially overwhelmed and darkness calms me down very effectively.)
And then I thought, what a relief not to be forced to process all this feelings.
Enough space to think about other things!
More interesting things!

Yeah, there are the intense emotions like joy and sadness that are easier to recognize, but all the subtler ones are hard to even notice. It's like an internal blur.

 

[All-Rounder]

My autist boyfriend taught me that sometimes it may be unsafe to reveal what Im feeling, I really like to not be saying things that im not feeling but I think most of the time in rl its hard to know people and talk about such personal things if they ask or I end up revealing.

I have an issue with standing up for what I want and talking about myself as in every instance of my life ive been quite the opposite from people. Ive thought if everyone pretends and tries to fit in in public, then i might not know what they're like. But i do notice people have Courage to say their opinions.

I picked up [a couple years ago] questions off the web that you'd ask friends or a partner and wrote them on a paper. I looked up the things i didnt have knowledge about and that bright me closer to knowing what the world means to me. My intention was to learn more in depth about the real beliefs of my friends, but i ended up finding out what I believe because I expected them to want my answers too. Many ppl i asked had enough idks but i tried to make them think about it.

I dont have issues that i know of with knowing how I feel (maybe in public I do, maybe I'm not paying attention or I tolerate it when around ppl, it's almost impossible to act like when im alone when around others, I'm like a tame puppy wagging its tail and smiling, easy to be pushed around, used for gains and extracted knowledge from, sadly, which I'm trying to fight against and getting some progress done if I expect certain situations from imagining them beforehand, but I still have some things slip), I feel strong discontent when my mother badtalks me and ruins my rep for the mistakes she made, in front of others, and it's hard to argue with her in front of people even though at times it cant be helped, she can't behave for 5 mins. So I know that I dont like it, but i cant always focus on why, until when im alone or can talk alone with her and think about it.