Common Interests in Relationships

[Cyanide Lollipop]

Here's a question for anyone who has been or who currently is in a longterm relationship, particularly an AS-AS relationship, or if you know other Aspies in longterm relationships. Since we're known for having a narrow range of interests, do you and your partner have the same or similar interests? Is it a problem if you don't have much in common, other than your "Aspie needs" (e.g. sensory issues)?

I recently met a man who exhibits a number of AS traits. We chatted easily for 2.5 hours when we first met and during the conversation he admitted he has social difficulties. Although he had never heard of AS he wanted to know something about it and when i told him he said he has a number of AS traits. I've noticed a few in him myself. We went out on a date on the weekend and although I've not yet identified any common interests, once again we chatted quite easily for about 4 hours. We're going out again next weekend. I'm really puzzled at how we have connected so well, despite having little in common to talk about or do together.

 

[King_Oni]

No similar interests is pretty much a no-go.

In a way, for me it comes down partially that I don't want to force things upon other people if they're not interested in it. I don't mind someone having other interests as well, but if there's not a significant part covered, and supposedly so, things we can talk about or activities we can do together without it feeling like a mandatory thing we're putting ourselves through.

And it goes both ways. I don't really feel like I should pressure myself doing stuff I don't really care about either. It just adds frustration and a waste of time where my partner would try to convince me that this is actually a fun thing to do.

Maybe I'm lucky in the sense that my partner shares some interests of which I knew beforehand (and as such had common ground to start talking about things to start with). The interests we have individually have are encouraged and appreciated of each other. We both are aware of the need of alone time and hobby time of eachother because of this. And there's a bit of mutual interest in each others hobbies. I don't mind visiting specific stores that are hobby related for my girlfriend... I might even ask questions (probably more than I should, lol) and for her it's pretty much the same way when we end up places that are hobbyrelated for me.

And, I guess one can mention intimacy as a factor as well. If I have strange (considering the norm) sexual preferences, that's surely a factor. It's one of the tougher factors, since it's not really a topic to bring up while dating at first. I eventually discussed a few things after we were intimate already to see how she feels about certain things. That was met with some enthusiasm. I guess luckily so, since I don't know if I could deal with a relatively "boring" sexlife... and to some extent it's an interest for me (and not just a way to be intimimate). I didn't bring that up though as a way to force her into something... if she wasn't that happy with it, I guess I/we just had to figure out more how it's going to work.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I always thought that the people I would like and the guy I would fall for would be people with the same views and interests as me.
I was in for a surprise!
It has turned out for me, in my experience that what was more important was the person's personality. Since I don't have a boyfriend/husband, I will use the example of my so-often-mentioned-that-he-would-be-embarrassed in-person friend.
We have totally different views, different hobbies etc, but his sweetness and joie-de-vivre won me over, and I found that the different interests made things more interesting. It's like the difference between someone who fits into your life, and someone who adds to your life.

On the other hand, I know guys with my exact views and interests around whom I feel bored and disconnected.

An Aspie relationship might work pretty well with different interests since possible both parties might be a little more independent, need a little time to themselves, and not need to do every single thing together. But this whole question might depend on the particular individuals.
:alien2::skip: (These two diverse smiley faces represent two people w different interests)

 

[King_Oni]

It's like the difference between someone who fits into your life, and someone who adds to your life.

Guess there's some truth to this...

Maybe it's that my girlfriend fits in my life, rather than adds. But then again, I don't know if I want anyone to add anything to my life. I'm already short on time sometime, heh. So maybe it's even where I might wonder how much I'm actually in for an actual relationship if you look at the "fits in life vs. adds in life" question.

I actually don't know what I would want that adds to my life in a way. If anything, I would like to add more free time in my life...which kinda defeats the purpose of relationships, heh.

But I can't really comment on non aspie relationships, since for what it's worth I know no others, heh. The relationships I was serious with/in were with either diagnosed or supposed aspies.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Guess there's some truth to this...

Maybe it's that my girlfriend fits in my life, rather than adds. But then again, I don't know if I want anyone to add anything to my life. I'm already short on time sometime, heh. So maybe it's even where I might wonder how much I'm actually in for an actual relationship if you look at the "fits in life vs. adds in life" question.

I actually don't know what I would want that adds to my life in a way. If anything, I would like to add more free time in my life...which kinda defeats the purpose of relationships, heh.

But I can't really comment on non aspie relationships, since for what it's worth I know no others, heh. The relationships I was serious with/in were with either diagnosed or supposed aspies.

Different couples have different styles. Sometimes it's not about the "right" vs the "wrong" way of doing things or type of relationship. What works for some couples might not work for another. Of course, most people judge such things by their own experiences which might or might not apply.

 

[King_Oni]

Different couples have different styles. Sometimes it's not about the "right" vs the "wrong" way of doing things or type of relationship. What works for some couples might not work for another. Of course, most people judge such things by their own experiences which might or might not apply.

That?s why I just talk about my personal experiences without passing judgment or telling people what they should do. I don?t really believe in the right way when it comes to people and social dynamics.

 

[Historianthomas]

I quite agree that every relationship just like friendships are different. They just work. I met my girlfriend online and had my first date in NYC. We just clicked. I admired her independence and her intelligence. She admired my intelligence and caring nature. 10 years later, even though there are times I wanted to close my office door and ignore her, we always seem to work things out.

My close friend feels very different than any friend I befriend before. While almost all of my friends I would put into the work friend/ college friend only, she gives me a totally different feeling. I am still trying to figure out why. It just works.