changes in plans

[Helena921]

Hi, I'm glad to have found this group!
I'd like to ask for some help. My bf and I are both on the spectrum (asperger). He is moderate, I am mild. The problem we are having now is due to plans being canceled by him at the last minute, or him coming to my place on very short notice. He doesn't seem to understand why this is so upsetting to me, and I guess I don't understand why this causes me so much anxiety.
Thanks for your help.

 

[Ezra]

Hi, I'm glad to have found this group!
I'd like to ask for some help. My bf and I are both on the spectrum (asperger). He is moderate, I am mild. The problem we are having now is due to plans being canceled by him at the last minute, or him coming to my place on very short notice. He doesn't seem to understand why this is so upsetting to me, and I guess I don't understand why this causes me so much anxiety.
Thanks for your help.

People with autism generally get distressed by sudden chages and surprise visits. Your reation is perfectly natural.

It is also typical for an autistic person (probably more so for males) to not get something like that.

Maybe if you did the same to him he would understand.

 

[Alexej]

Hi @Helena921

Welcome to the group. Do join in
You might want to read back on older threads to get answers to some of your questions

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Why does he need to understand? All he needs to do is respect that this is how you feel and stop doing it, because that it what you do for someone you care about regardless of whether you understand why. Also doing this for you is good practice for general life as last minute changes of plans are rude and annoying for everyone.

 

[Aspychata]

Myself, l was extremely stressed and went over to someone's house for a hug. My bad, they weren't happy with me. And l was out of line. Think this is where you need to discuss your personal boundaries in friendships, relationships even in employment-

 

[Misery]

Why does he need to understand? All he needs to do is respect that this is how you feel and stop doing it, because that it what you do for someone you care about regardless of whether you understand why. Also doing this for you is good practice for general life as last minute changes of plans are rude and annoying for everyone.

Decent chance it wont work that way.

I know this because I have the very same tendencies as this person the OP is talking about. I do those exact things, and have always tended to have that exact difficulty in understanding it.

Some of us are.... not good at planning. And by "not good at" I mean "not capable of". Tending to make snap decisions, doing things on a whim, and a near total inability to remember planned things. Or maybe a mood swing or anxiety burst right before some planned thing, forcing a cancel in order to avoid a meltdown. I find that one is VERY frequent, though I've never understood what causes it.

If he's anything like me, there's little control or decision involved in the process. It merely is.

I dunno about the OP's boyfriend, but typically for me, the only way to get me to do some planned thing is to CONSTANTLY pester me about it and sorta force it. Like, if we as a family are going off on a flight to wherever, the only way I'm going to be out the door on time (or to any part of it on time) is with constant badgering and assistance.


Now, as for the bit about him not understanding the problem... explain it to him in extreme detail. Very carefully. Even if you have to do it 20 times. Sometimes, a concept just wont get through very easily.

 

[Crossbreed]

I am autistic and I don't get this. Anyone with a certain degree of closeness and no particular demands is welcome at any time (unless I'm sleeping or bathing). I may not be available to them, if I am occupied, but I equate that casual availability to connectedness.

 

[All-Rounder]

Plans being canceled is common for autistic individuals, because when they see the whole picture some go like 'i can do this, I can do that, sure I will try it, this sounds fun' so they feel very driven to do stuff but they don't asess the actual idea that they may not be able to actually do it. Like having a very loud difficult landing, or like going somewhere like a concert that looks really awesome as a whole picture.

On the other hand when the timeline gets closer, it automatically becomes much more real, and scary, and they realize 'wait, im actually not gonna be able to cope with it, this is not for me, i cant do this' so they withdraw from it and call in to cancel flights, parties, etc.

 

[Jumpback]

Decent chance it wont work that way.

I know this because I have the very same tendencies as this person the OP is talking about. I do those exact things, and have always tended to have that exact difficulty in understanding it.

Some of us are.... not good at planning. And by "not good at" I mean "not capable of". Tending to make snap decisions, doing things on a whim, and a near total inability to remember planned things. Or maybe a mood swing or anxiety burst right before some planned thing, forcing a cancel in order to avoid a meltdown. I find that one is VERY frequent, though I've never understood what causes it.

If he's anything like me, there's little control or decision involved in the process. It merely is.

I dunno about the OP's boyfriend, but typically for me, the only way to get me to do some planned thing is to CONSTANTLY pester me about it and sorta force it. Like, if we as a family are going off on a flight to wherever, the only way I'm going to be out the door on time (or to any part of it on time) is with constant badgering and assistance.


Now, as for the bit about him not understanding the problem... explain it to him in extreme detail. Very carefully. Even if you have to do it 20 times. Sometimes, a concept just wont get through very easily.

I am also like this.

Part of the issue is that getting out the door is stressful and another part is that I don’t seem to have much of an internal clock or much idea what thing I should be doing in a limited amount of time. Like I have an hour and I have to eat and make phone calls and mail something and finish this thing, and I can’t figure out what thing I should be doing. I’ll just give up from the anxiety and go lie down and set an alarm for just before I have to leave.

I am much calmer once I am out the door, so I’ll just stop by places or see if people are at home when I am already out driving around, so I may show up unannounced, which most people don’t mind.

But I also usually don’t like people showing up unannounced.

My ex-girlfriend used to help me a lot just by doing simple things like asking me if I had things I needed for appointments and if I had my wallet and keys and so on. Or just telling me when it was time to leave.

As far as I can tell, a lot of my problems with executive functioning issues. If your boyfriend has similar issues and you don’t you might be able to help keep him on track. I know it sounds like mothering and for some this would be highly annoying, but others don’t seem to mind such things

 

[Jumpback]

I am also like this.

Part of the issue is that getting out the door is stressful and another part is that I don’t seem to have much of an internal clock or much idea what thing I should be doing in a limited amount of time. Like I have an hour and I have to eat and make phone calls and mail something and finish this thing, and I can’t figure out what thing I should be doing. I’ll just give up from the anxiety and go lie down and set an alarm for just before I have to leave.

I am much calmer once I am out the door, so I’ll just stop by places or see if people are at home when I am already out driving around, so I may show up unannounced, which most people don’t mind.

But I also usually don’t like people showing up unannounced.

My ex-girlfriend used to help me a lot just by doing simple things like asking me if I had things I needed for appointments and if I had my wallet and keys and so on. Or just telling me when it was time to leave.

As far as I can tell, a lot of my problems with executive functioning issues. If your boyfriend has similar issues and you don’t you might be able to help keep him on track. I know it sounds like mothering and for some this would be highly annoying, but others don’t seem to mind such things

Related to this, I used to know these two sisters who grew up in Hawaii. They took us to go visit for a couple weeks. The one sister is a planner, who organized all the activities and times and kind of told people what they should be doing and at what times. This drove others crazy, because they viewed her as a control freak, but I loved it. All I had to do was be told what to do and she was a really good tour guide.

Just maybe you guys can figure out how to mesh in ways like I did with this girl. I’m actually better off much of the time with people who have a well meaning “bossiness” streak, that wouldn’t be appreciated by others as much

 

[Aspychata]

I think if we casually show up, we are saying that we are at that relationship level in our mind that doesn't concide with the level in their mind. So he feels connected, thinks you are the same, and thinks it doesn't matter. But we have to follow social norms, if a invite isn't extended then just because you assume something doesn't make it so. You have to say my personal boundary in this is that we talk first about getting together. Because l don't like changes in my daily routine.

 

[Helena921]

I am autistic and I don't get this. Anyone with a certain degree of closeness and no particular demands is welcome at any time (unless I'm sleeping or bathing). I may not be available to them, if I am occupied, but I equate that casual availability to connectedness.

Oh, he is welcome at any time. But....it would be nice to be able to plan a meal maybe, and, as an aspie myself who likes a little structure or routine in my days/evenings, the sudden change is sometimes difficult. Once in a while wouldn't matter much, but it happens quite often.