Can't stop looking up about anything to do with suicide

[GrownupGirl]

All day and night I keep looking up and googling about suicide. The world is doomed anyway so why would anyone want to go on living? Why die a slow an agonizing death from radiation poisoning when you can end it quick and painless? So I keep looking up whatever I can find about suicide except getting help, because no one can help and I don't trust them anyway. I've been doing this for months now but today it's worse than ever. It's an obsession. Why can't I just do it?

 

[Thinx]

Have you talked to anyone about this? Do you have a therapist? It sounds like you need help to move on from this obsession. Your thinking seems out of balance on this topic. What have you tried so far to move on from this?

 

[GrownupGirl]

The world will never be fine. It never has been. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, but without the hoping part.

 

[GrownupGirl]

Have you talked to anyone about this? Do you have a therapist? It sounds like you need help to move on from this obsession. Your thinking seems out of balance on this topic. What have you tried so far to move on from this?

I live in the sticks, where there is no therapy. If I called a hot line or 911, they would just come take me to the hospital, which is the last place I need to be, and then leave alone to die. They'll lie to me and say I'll be allowed to go home in an hour or so, but instead they'll shut me up in the psychic ward and treat me worse than an animal. Being in that kind of environment will make my anxiety go through the roof. I don't trust hot lines, the only one that exists where I live you have to call you can't text or e-mail and I hate just the thought of having to call on the phone. It'll ring up a huge phone bill. And if I get taken to the hospital I'll have a huge ambulance bill. I know all about this from experience. Even if someone did care they can't help because they can't stop all the madness in this crapsack world. I just want to sleep forever.

 

[Thinx]

You have often seemed to feel more positive than you do just now, has anything in particular upset you? Do you think that like @Forest Cat says, you may have got worn down or depressed? Sorry to hear things are so difficult in terms of getting help. Those options don't sound very helpful. Is there any one you can talk to?

 

[elements]

This won't be helpful, but you're not alone. I became obsessed figuring out many abnormal and creative ways to attempt. ( Had a few bad failures ) only to come to accept I'm stuck here in what I consider pure hell, so let's just dance in the burning inferno.

 

[Aspychata]

I will join you in the pity party. It does feel hopeless. I get upset. I get sad. Then l just move on. My feelings don't change anything. I wish they did. But we support you. Know that if nothing else.

 

[watersprite]

This isn’t going away anytime soon. The only way I can deal with it is to get busy with things that have some meaning for me.
Face it or not; nobody gets out of here alive. `May as well be supportive, kind, & share laughter where we can. I am not being facetious.
If things get better we’ll be changed from what we are, and that is reason enough to make some effort. There’s hope.

 

[Fino]

If you prefer texting, text "Home" to 741741, and you will be connected to a crisis counselor through texting. They're available 24/7, and you can go as many times as you'd like. They have excellent resources.

 

[Gracey]

If given the opportunity,
what would you change about this 'crap sack' world?


What makes you so sure you'd be taken to a hospital if you reached out for help?

 

[oregano]

As I've said before, yeah civilization may be ending, but I'm too fascinated watching the whole mess burn to the ground to kill myself. It's certainly likely that I'll die too, but I've prepared for at least short term disruptions. I used to be like you, worrying until I wanted to die, but I've gotten calmer in my old age, and now just want to grab some popcorn and sparkling water and watch the show.

 

[Ken]

Actually, the world is not doomed and neither are you. Human kind has already experienced two horrifying world wars – and survived. Besides, throughout history, since the existence of humans, there are always wars going on somewhere in the world at any given time. In every case, there is always a post war. It always seems like the end of the world to anyone involved, but the Earth always survives. Times get bad, but eventually times get better and sometimes even gets really good. Note that Hiroshima and Nagasaki were both bombed with atomic bombs. Today, the radiation is gone and both are large, thriving cities. There are even living survivors today.

The climate crisis will get bad – really bad, but it will not be the end of the world. When it is said that global warming is destroying the world; it is the plant an animal world that is being altered to an extremely inconvenient state, but the Earth lives on. Actually, the world has been there before. However catastrophic, it is not going to end during your lifetime. How bad it gets will be dependent on everyone’s actions – including yours. Regardless how bad it gets, it's very unlikely you will be killed by it. Though you probably can’t see this in the moment, but society needs you.

It is still possible – actually very likely – to have a productive, fulfilling, happy life. Suicide, however is failure by default. Failure for not even trying is a shameful failure. Suicide ignores the likelyhood that no radiation poisoning or any other agonizing death will occur. I suspect the reason you “can’t just do it” is because deep down, you actually know that.

Obsessions are like addictions. It's a positive feedback loop. You get fixated on something and it becomes an obsession, but that doesn’t mean it is real or productive or healthy.

Hang in there and find a more constructive obsession. Believe it or not – we all need you.