Can an interest in romance be a special interest?

[Brian39WV]

I have to admit I sometimes feel like I just do not fit in with anybody. I am autistic, but people typically assume that means I have special interests or hobbies. Alas I have neither. My mind just does not work that way. I am more eclectic with my interests and pursuits. Nothing keeps my attention for too long. I tend to bounce from one divergent interest to another. I am pretty well rounded- I could come across as semi-knowledgeable on a vast array of issues. But nothing brings me great joy or a burning desire to endlessly learn more.
I am the same way with hobbies. I will do something for a bit and then move on. I never have a desire to master anything. Part of this maybe I am just about the least competitive person you will ever meet. I really do not compete against other humans in anything. I get no joy or fun from competing against others- it is just not my thing. Obviously, I do things like read, but I do not enjoy talking about what I am reading. Well, you probably get a rough idea what kind of person I am by now.

The one thing that stands out to me though is a desire for a romantic relationship. This occupies a great deal of my thinking and has for over twenty years now. It is the one thing that really brings me great joy and fulfillment in life. People tend to think I am cold and uncaring. People often think I need to show more passion and interest in life. The thing is this is the issue I am passionate about, this is the thing that interests me.

Dating advice often goes like this, you need to have hobbies and interests on your own before you start to pursue a relationship. I guess that is great for other people but what if you do not have hobbies or special interests that really fascinate you? Why can't being in a relationship be my hobby and special interest?

I am not trying to categorize or gatekeep or anything like that. But I certainly feel that a desire for romantic connection with another person can definitely be a person's special interest. It seems to be with me at least.

 

[tree]

You may be interested in reading

S

Post in thread 'Special interest or fallen in love? Please share your experiences/thoughts'

Jun 10, 2023

...having a person as a special interest. It usually feels like a very intense "I need to know all about you - even the stuff you don't want me to know".

I don't think that most of what you wrote is exactly like falling in love. Most of it sounds more like limerence.

The main thing for me is, I gave this type of special interest up in 1990. After the last of several unfortunate results with this type of special interest and its deleterious effects on my mental health, I finally learned my lesson. Now, if I feel this kind of interest starting, I turn it off...

• stevens

Limerence - Wikipedia

 

[Brian39WV]

In graduate school I learned to stop worrying about what one word means. And what another person means with a word. To me it ultimately does not matter what other people think or say (besides one person I guess).

If people want to call it something else that is totally fine. But it is what gives my life meaning and purpose. Love and romance are the things in life that bring the most meaning and happiness to me. I do not preach the gospel of love. I do not care if I am the only person on the planet who believes in this. I do not try to persuade others about anything (no wonder no one has ever fallen for me lol).

I just know what I believe and what I am looking for. It is the great quest of my life. If 8 billion other people disagree it does not matter to me in the least.

 

[Judge]

My personal experience with relationships was an eclectic combination of minor common interests (if any) combined with a difficult-to-describe major "social chemistry" with women.

I mean, from my own perspective there was more often than not something that attracted me to someone without even really knowing them. And I also recognized that the same could be said for them as well. On occasion they would tell me, "There's just something different about you compared to other men". The sort of compliment that sank in easily for me.

And of course our ranks in this community contain a few autistic persons who married neurotypical spouses. That there are indeed people out there who find us fascinating, whether we have common likes, dislikes or hobbies. Women I got to know as friends first, then lovers. (Dating remains a social ritual that I just couldn't abide by.)

In retrospect, I found most of the relationships I was involved in had very few common interests. Yet it didn't seem to matter. We simply "clicked" for who we were as individual personalities. Don't knock it if you've experienced it.

In other words, don't stew over the whys of it all, just "go with the flow" when such social chemistry works even as a mystery. Conversely if you deliberately wait the rest of your life looking for an "identical match" of someone you'll probably wind up empty-handed. And you cannot depend on the notion of them approaching you first. Sometimes it will happen, but other times you must be the one to approach them first. Having the willingness to stick your neck out to show your interest in another.

Romance in itself as a special interest? Not advisable. Ideally best for one to fall in love with a person- not an ideal. Which can sometimes create elaborate expectations (based on media) that just don't happen in real life.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Brian39WV, this is some good advice ^^up here^^

My personal experience with relationships was an eclectic combination of minor common interests (if any) combined with a difficult-to-describe major "social chemistry" with women.

Mine, as well.

I mean, from my own perspective there was more often than not something that attracted me to someone without even really knowing them. And I also recognized that the same could be said for them as well. On occasion they would tell me, "There's just something different about you compared to other men". The sort of compliment that sank in easily for me.

Mine, as well.

And of course our ranks in this community contain a few autistic persons who married neurotypical spouses. That there are indeed people out there who find us fascinating, whether we have common likes, dislikes or hobbies. Women I got to know as friends first, then lovers. (Dating remains a social ritual that I just couldn't abide by.)

My experience was sort of a "dive right into it" situation. I never experienced the "friend zone" with anyone. That said, working within the "estrogen ocean" that is neonatal and pediatric healthcare over the past several decades, I have some very likable female acquaintances... people that I enjoy being around and talking with.

In retrospect, I found most of the relationships I was involved in had very few common interests. Yet it didn't seem to matter. We simply "clicked" for who we were as individual personalities. Don't knock it if you've experienced it.

My wife and I have maybe 2-3 things of that one might call a "shared interest", but we are definitely our own people with our own way of thinking and our own hobbies and interests.

In other words, don't stew over the whys of it all, just "go with the flow" when such social chemistry works even as a mystery. Conversely if you deliberately wait the rest of your life looking for an "identical match" of someone you'll probably wind up empty-handed. And you cannot depend on the notion of them approaching you first. Sometimes it will happen, but other times you must be the one to approach them first. Having the willingness to stick your neck out to show your interest in another.

Agree. Do not pass up opportunities and don't be afraid of learning. Relationships are a journey. If you are the type of person that can get along with most people, will accept people for who they are, and are generally open-minded, tolerant, and can exhibit some temperance... you might surprise yourself with who you end up with. Making yourself "receptive" to attention is often the first step... but there is some nuance. There is a difference between "assertiveness" that she might appreciate and be attracted to... and "aggressiveness" that will freak her out and repel her. You certainly will not be able to gauge what that is without communicating. Communication and knowing boundaries, amongst other things, is so important at the beginning of a relationship... especially when you are autistic and are having difficulty "reading" all the subtle communication signals. To this day... nearly 40 years later... I quite literally have zero clue what is going on in my wife's head. I cannot read her at all. Soooo... I have to be good at framing my clarifying questions.

Romance in itself as a special interest? Not advisable. Ideally best for one to fall in love with a person- not an ideal. Which can sometimes create elaborate expectations (based on media) that just don't happen in real life.

Agree. If you have some sort of mental vision of what your "perfect person" is... I can almost guarantee you that you'll never find that person. Women do the same thing... these mental checkboxes and they aren't going to "settle"... then end up being lonely and angry that "there aren't any good men out there".

Analogy: If you a little kid learning how to hit the ball in baseball, the worst thing you could do is "wait for your pitch". Why? 1. You never gain the ability to hit any of the pitches and... 2. You were most likely to strike out and be relegated to the dugout... you never got on base. Whereas if you literally swung at every pitch, you eventually gained the skill to hit them all and you more times than not, got to run the bases and score.

 

[JayLapointe]

And you cannot depend on the notion of them approaching you first. Sometimes it will happen, but other times you must be the one to approach them first. Having the willingness to stick your neck out to show your interest in another.

This reminds me of what a buddy of mine refers to as the "Babe Ruth Approach" to dating. The willingness to approach them first and likely be shot down. Why Babe Ruth? Apparently, the same year that Babe Ruth held the record for the most home runs, he also had the dubious record for the most strikes. Ruth just stepped out and swung at everything, and eventually hit with great success.