"Blending In"

jagerbolt90 · Jul 9, 2017

Hello everyone. I would like to start off by saying I'm new here and I joined this forum because I need a place to vent. To start, I am 26, been diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum for almost 20 of them. There are a lot of questions that I have been wondering about lately. One thing that I have always had difficulty with is "blending in" among neurotypicals, especially in regards to making first impressions.

Now, I have many good friends who are able to see past my quirks that I hang with quite regularly. Just tonight, I joined a group of them at their apartment for a session of Dungeons and Dragons. Now, there was this girl there that I was quite entranced by, and we seemed to be hitting it off. I didn't really pay her too much mind, tried to keep things casual, and then the end of the night came and I decided to send a round of friend requests on Facebook to many people I met there (including her former roommate, a great dude I really hit it off with! I'm getting the same bachelor's as he has, and we both genuinely had a good time). When I got home and checked, she apparently has me blocked. I think I may have scared her off somehow I'm maybe not aware of. I really hope that's not the case, because I genuinely want people to feel comfortable around me and let my presence enhance their good time as opposed to make my presence be an awkward hassle. My best friend's girlfriend invited me on a float trip next weekend with the whole gang that was there and some other people, including the aforementioned girl I think I scared off. Now I'm thinking of cancelling going to the float trip because if I make her so uncomfortable she felt she had to block me on Facebook, I don't know if I should go or not. It would be one thing if she was just another friend to my friend's girlfriend, but that girl also happens to be her best friend. I don't want my presence to be a hindrance on their good time. I feel like socially, I'm a loose cannon. I go in with the best of intentions but wind up screwing it up one way or another. I'm just not good at "blending in" with other people I think. IE acting in away as to make myself liked by new people.

Some people are able to see past this part of me, and others are not. In the case of this girl, I am a little sad. She seems very nice and I'm bummed that by being me, she automatically decided that she didn't even want to get to know me period. I'm not mad at her, though. I know I come off as odd to other people sometimes. I'm just sad that I don't know when to control it/what to do sometimes. I felt like I could be myself, at least mostly, around these people. They're pretty artsy, out there types and seem to enjoy out there stuff as much as I do. But, maybe at the same time, there was something I was missing. I don't know. I feel really odd. Like if it's not one thing, its another, and if its not another, its the next, and if not that, I don't know.

TL;DR
Scared off girl, not sure how to blend in with other people to wear the rougher parts of my personality don't show.

Does anyone have any insights?

P.S. I don't want any advice from meninists, fedoras, or pick-up artists. I dabbled in your juju once upon a time and I know you're peddling ********, so right out the gate, no!

AtomicBlondie · Jul 10, 2017

I'm sorry this happened to you. It sucks when you try to connect with someone and they just brush you off with no explanation. Based on what I've read on this site and in other research, this type of unexplained rejection tends to happen to those of us on the spectrum with alarming regularity. Yes, we have some social quirks--we can come off as aloof and rude or we can be too interested and excitedly awkward.

I'll admit that I'm from the Xennial generation, so I've embraced technology but I grew up in a time when you had to reject people in person--you had to deal with their humanity. Now, someone can just dismiss someone with the swipe of their finger, not caring that the friend request or invitation or question had an actual human being with thoughts and feelings behind it. Technology has done some great things but it's also weakened empathy in some people.

If she blocked you, she had her reasons, whatever they were. You might have come on too strong or she might be a person who locks down her Facebook page and only accepts requests from people she knows well. I add only family and people I know well to my list but if someone else sends a request, I respond with that explanation. I don't just decline the request or block them.

Don't hide. Go to your float trip. If she's there, politely smile, say hello, move on, and leave it at that. Keep your head high. Act like you didn't notice she declined your request/blocked you. Going forward though, I'd suggest not sending requests to people you don't know well. I know this is a generational thing with social media but I suggest refraining from sending such requests until a true connection has been established.

Suzanne · Jul 10, 2017

It hurts. I have been there a few times and left wondering what the heck I had done?

As for your situation, is there the remotest chance that she pressed "block" by mistake? It is very easy to do, because if you are sure you were not pushy, then it seems illogical that she would do such a harsh thing.

I would go on that trip and see what pans out.

It is funny how we think: I don't want to upset them etc; but never how they have upset us.

I have said many times: that person doesn't like me and feel crushed for I have no idea why. I am starting to think: you know, I do not like that person!

I have never been one to blend in, because I am too insignifant around certain types of personality, who I seem to be stuck with; only occasionally do I feel ok.

Last night was one of those "ok" moments.

Momo · Jul 10, 2017

Happens all the time to me. If she treated you like that, perhaps it simply wasn't meant to be? I still advise you hang out with you friends though, don't let one bad interaction ruin your friendships.

BradT · Jul 10, 2017

I'm sorry that happened to you, I wouldn't go. I couldn't stand being around her or you could simply ask her why did you block me?

Streetwise · Jul 10, 2017

i think shes cautious been hurt before and humans instinctually stay away from panic they perceive the unpredictability they like calm
if you watch Nat geo show the dog whisperer you see him demonstrating to owners!!! about panic in dogs and the change when they are calm
but its nearly always humans who have caused the problem

Streetwise · Jul 10, 2017

by the way

by the way there is the ranting room started by donkey kebab

Bella Pines · Jul 10, 2017

Actually this sounds like a good start. Firstly she may not have blocked you, she may just have some privacy setting on that means you can't see her or she may have blocked you by accident.

If she did block you on purpose then this is entirely recoverable. I used to get this all the time. Literally, no one would like me when they first met me, in fact some people would outright hate me! It's at the point now where I recognize the freaked out looks on peoples faces and tell them not to worry and that they will get used to me

Some of the reasons are possibly :

Mouth. I don't move my face like NTs. Or at all. If someones joke is not funny then I will not laugh. Apparently there is this 'interested' look that people are expected to wear, so I study those around me and crack a smile or raise my eyebrows when everyone else does.
Eyes. I study everything, I look people up and down. I look at people I am interested in and study their movements. Apparently this is quite creepy so I try to take in what I need in a quick glance and study them in short bursts.
Body. I pick my hangnails and scabs and roll bits between by thumb and forefinger and chew my cheek. I move my head like a budgie. Apparently this is unnatural so I try to sit still with a vacant look on my face.
Intensity. I like to know people straight out the box, I will ask personal questions too soon. Apparently the first few encounters should be light, so I studied the art of smalltalk and try to hold back. If I don't feel able to engage like that then I largely ignore the person in the first few encounters until they approach me.
Questions. I stand out as a nonconformist. Say someone suggests going to a coffee shop, but that coffee shop had been recently featured in the news as condoning slave labour. I would point this out and express a preference not to frequent this establishment for exactly this reason. Apparently people don't want to know about things like this, apparently people are happy living in the dark and apparently pointing out the blatantly obvious makes people uncomfortable, so I try not to speak my mind with people who don't know me.
Too dead. I am mostly not interested in people, most of them sit there with the vacant expression that I described above! Therefore when people talk at me I tend to just stare at them, like I would an ant, that was crawling up my leg. At best I would ask why they are talking to me and at worst I would wave them away. Apparently this is really not acceptable so I now do my nodding dog act and make all the right noises in all the right places
Too alive. If something actually peaks my interest I become intensely alive, I talk animatedly and fast and demand responses from the people who have peaked my interest. Apparently this is too much and can get a bit freaky so I hold back, smile wider than usual and keep my arms still until the excitement passes.

But the good news is, everything that isolates you, everything that puts you on the outside of the social group is everything that girls generally find attractive. Ever heard the phrase "dark and mysterious"? Ever heard guys complaining that the girl never goes for the sensitive friend type? Well it's true. Most girls like that air of mystery, the boy that doesn't fit it, the nonconformist, the unattainable misunderstood misfit. So you're on a good path.

Ambi · Jul 10, 2017

I'm so sorry - I know exactly how this feels :-/ I, too, never, ever want to make others uncomfortable - and yet I do just that sometimes, and I have no idea - and to make it worse, it's times that I think I'm having fun. Those incidents are hard for me to forget. BUT - unless it is too awkward for you, I don't think you should worry about this girl's feelings. She may have her own issues if she couldn't give you a hint that you made her uncomfortable. Here's the other possiblity - I've been off of Facebook long enough that I forget how this works now - but is it possible she hasn't specifically blocked you, rather her settings are such that you can't find her or add her? If not, there is the possibility that she might have blocked you before that party - are you active enough that you may have posted things that she didn't feel like seeing or dealing with - who knows, maybe you did offend her with a comment, not even necessarily to her, but to someone else or about something else? In that case, at least, it wouldn't be based on your interactions at that party.

So if you go (and I don't think you should NOT go in order to spare her feelings, she's a big girl, she really ought to learn to manage them herself), but I wouldn't try to approach or talk to her - leave her alone. Just be civil, politely friendly, but then move on.

OlLiE · Jul 10, 2017

sometimes i find that after i have run my internal algorithms and have found a suitable potential candidate, i come over as being very intense, which some women can find unpleasant and weird - it makes them feel like you are already too far ahead of them in a situation they likely haven't considered or said yes to yet - its disempowering - it wouldn't be the first time that i have had to apologise, 'i apologise if i offended you in any way' is a good line, if you haven't actually offended her, then she may feel the need to explain why she blocked you, you may lose a potential love interest but you may also gain an insight into what you may be doing wrong

i would also go, as long as you haven't done anything objectively aggressive, you have the right to be who you are, if your friends understand but she doesn't then its her problem, not yours

jagerbolt90 · Jul 10, 2017

I would like to say thank you to everyone for such thoughtful responses. It really means a lot! I think I will go on that trip. Way I figure it, if I tread lightly and let it die, no one will go away sad. Either way, I'm confident things will work out for the better in the end. I'm about to get my bachelor's in information systems and I started working with a personal trainer. My life is about to take off and I feel things will fall into place with my love life and everywhere else when they're supposed to. I guess it's inevitable though that I will have bad days between now and then. I even got some good news just this second. Apparently, I was misreading the situation and the girl in question merely had her account deactivated and my friend who introduced us tells me she is really looking forward to seeing me this Sunday on the trip. Fingers crossed.

JamesBon92007 · Jul 10, 2017

I would definitely go on the trip. You stated clearly that your best friend's girlfriend invited you. The girl is her best friend. She knows you will be there. Perhaps, but not necessarily, she has expressed interest in you and had other reasons for blocking you on Facebook. Maybe, maybe not, she wants to get to know you better. To me it appears likely that she does. Sometimes we have to take risks.

Personally I would just act very casual around her and try not to take too much notice of her but say Hi to her and say it's nice to see her again. See if she approaches you (to offer a snack, talk about the weather, anything really). If she offers a snack take it, even if you don't eat it. If she doesn't approach you then perhaps you could do something like offer snacks to everyone around her, but maybe pay a little more attention to her preferences. Keep conversations light and general. Ask her about her and her interests and try not to talk too much about yourself unless she asks. This may be difficult but try not to go on and on about your current obsession unless she happens to be very interested. If you are not sure of how you are doing ask your best friend. If it sounds (or looks) like things are going really well (Hey bro, she digs you!) try to find one of her interests that you share that could become a "date." I knew my present girlfriend was interested in archaeology and paleontology so I took her to see a local petroglyph (free). That went well so afterwards we went to the local museum of archaeology and paleontology (very inexpensive). She didn't seem to be in a hurry to leave so I asked her what kind of food she likes. It turned out that her favorite Italian restaurant was in my town (pricey)! By the time she left I was pretty sure I had done well. We now live together.

I never thought I would be giving dating advice!

Grandmother B · Jul 10, 2017

I think you should go on the trip. Please don't let other people's hangups get in the way of your having a good time. It may have been unintentional, also. Just treat her like you do the others, friendly, but not overly so and see what happens.

radasp · Jul 10, 2017

I'm retired and finally able to pick and choose when and if I want to be social. Looking back, I wasted a lot of time with people who could not, or would not understand any "diversity" in human behavior. Be yourself; don't take it to heart when people don't respond or react negatively. You won't remember any of these people. You will remember the people you naturally click with. Relax, be yourself. Don't try to make yourself into someone you are not meant to be!

Gracey · Jul 10, 2017

yep, go on your trip and just be you.
The thing about acting or mimicry (when trying to blend in in a friendly way) is that others can sense you're not being genuine. They'll see straight through you like a glass window no matter how good your acting skills are and may find it difficult to trust you.

just be yourself. Those that can handle it and accept it will, those that can't? well, their loss I'd say.

BradT · Jul 10, 2017

Wow congrats dude, I'm going for my accounting degree in bachelors. I want to get my MBA after that.

Tyrantus1212 · Jul 17, 2017

I can exhibit some very off-putting behavior and a lot of people overreact to it - and to this day I'm just not sure if I should blame myself, despite the fact that I always do. I lost so many potential friends because my behavior ended up being annoying an obnoxious and I never meant for it to get that far. It totally ruined my self-esteem, which was pretty lousy even before I exhibited that behavior. Even if I don't exhibit annoying behavior I just come off as so beyond weird to so many people, and that led to just so many years of solitude, with just a very small number of friends over a 30-year span.

I very much regret pushing people away but if they can't be around the real me, then they were never meant to be in my life in the first place. Now the friends I did manage to make...they appreciate me for who I am, so that makes me worry about regressing into that past behavior (it took an INTERVENTION to actually help me realize it) and losing them too after having already established actual friendships. It would hurt so much more than losing POTENTIAL friends did. So as a rule of thumb - only the people who appreciate the REAL me matter. Even so, with some of them I try to "blend in" and not exhibit my worst issues (the severe meltdowns and emotional problems). I'd say that the people whom I drive crazy and they overreact...they still matter as long as they still care about me, although the overreacting is not something I appreciate. Still, much better than people who end up hating or ignoring me.

Now the people who never even overreact, they're the WINNERS that I could never ever let go of. At the same time, I'll do my best to not push them away because I'm always paranoid of doing so.

Rich Gray · Aug 16, 2017

Ask your best friend what he thinks (he may know the story). His girlfriend also may know what the story is (more probable) . . . and your best friend talks to his girlfriend . . . so you have the possibility of some recon.

At any rate you cannot succeed without trying and failing. Dating is essentially a series of interviews. Don't get discouraged.

Rich Gray · Aug 16, 2017

I mimic without conscious effort, it can be draining, and can loose this ability if stressed or tired. I understand that this is normal, and is perhaps much more common in girls / women.

I think that people with Asperger's Syndrome can learn to act. Many (some?) professional actors have Asperger's Syndrome, or the like.

If you do this, then tell your friends that you are practicing, and get some feedback. Try it in public with strangers. I do not think you should practice on girls that you want to date. Perhaps if they know that you are practicing, or once you actually start dating. Otherwise it would likely seem weird.

These 8 Inspiring People Will Change The Way You Think About Autism And Asperger's

Keigan · Aug 16, 2017

"Dark and mysterious" as in 'cloaked and un sharing'. That is a girl who sees the aspie man as a challenge and eventually she realizes that he is not changing to meet her definition and fill in the void of "Dark and mysterious".

Been there many times.

"Blending In"

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