Being Disliked

[Levitator]

Well,you're not alone because I'm 44. The standard song you will get regarding rejection tells you to shrug it off, man-up, and be your own independent person. I will then point out that people who were so disliked that they don't have any friends whatsoever, or more tangibly, wound up sleeping in the gutter; they're not able to shrug it off, nor to will the rejection away. It sticks, and it hurts.

EDIT:
In other words, a lot of the standard advice comes from people who have a hundred friends to spare for everyone who tells them to take a walk off a pier. Ignore them. This is analogous to the person who asks you what you're upset about since they're the only one who has been nasty to you your entire life so it scarcely counts or matters.

 

[JoSchi]

I care, definitely. It hurts me, but at the end I can get over it. We are not always the most easiest people when it comes to communication or emotions, so I sometimes get it. in the end, the people that stay in your life, will be the most valuable ones.

 

[Levitator]

I keep reading about how many autistic people are disliked, and I feel like a dufus but at 58 years old I remain at times terrified of being disliked, and it can make developing friendships nearly impossible because I am so focused on how others feel about me. At times it's painful: I have had so many failed relationships I just expect that people will be irritated by me; or even harass me, gossip about me, excommunicated me. What complicates it is that unless it's very obvious I have no real idea whether people like me or not. It's a complete guessing game, and it's very isolating, affecting self confidence. It impacts especially my self confidence. It's trite.

I think I should get over it, stop caring. I don't fit into the stereotype that all autistic people don't care about whether they're liked or not. I do care, but at my stage I wonder if I can ever change it. It can be genuinely debilitating because unlike other conditions autism is social, --human beings are social animals. We rely on others for spiritual growth, for safety, for stability and for love and self esteem. If a person is disliked all of these are jeopardized. It is one of my largest challenges. I think, talk and act in ways that are different, and when animals sense difference they often attack.

All my life I wanted to fit in, and pretended I didn't care. But I do. I was wondering if people other than me struggle with the same thing, with fears of being disliked, of being genuinely disliked in contexts like work.

Do you care when you're disliked? Has it gotten in your way for things you want to do? And how do you handle it. I really appreciate this group and generally just listen. But to be honest this is a big issue and I'd be so happy for some autistic advice.

First of all there are two kinds of "care" in question. Do I care in a way that lets affirmation or rejection change me? No. I refuse to permit that. There's a thread here on original sin. There could just as easily be another thread on the central sin of the New Testament, which was mob mentality (and peer pressure), and I refuse.

The other kind of "care" is; does it hurt? No, because if you reject me when I've never wronged you, that's your problem, and you're the one who cut off the lines of communication, so I can never fix that situation and it's not my fault. You know what does hurt, and what I do care about? When it's everybody in unison and you wind up without friends, without a family, and without essential connections to society like an education or a job. We can understand how that's not being childish. It's not being an angsty teenage-like dufus. It's a real, tangible thing, and it hurts a lot.