Behavior Directly After Adult Diagnosis (Age 31)

[asnlifecoach]

Thank you very much for taking the time and responding to my thread! I will answer the questions to the best of my ability so, if I am unclear please tell me and I will clarify.

1.) I am unsure how I would feel. I am an only child and my parents divorced when I was six. My belief is with those two elements and my Asperger's I do not elicit many emotions with humans. I think I would miss her however, I am unsure as to how much. I do not believe that this is a measurement of my love for her, but I may be wrong. I will also add that I do love my wife and have no intentions of leaving her.

2.) It makes sense to me some what. I could tell my wife that as of now, we cannot go faster than the speed of light. She could understand that but, not comprehend it and that is how I feel. To me I am figuring out who I really am for the first time in 31 years. I get upset because I feel like this is turning into being about her and her emotions. Why can't I just have a couple of weeks to process all this information without being pestered about sex. I have been meeting emotional needs for people all my life and been mocked and ridiculed for being weird. It is highly upsetting for me to deal with sex at a time like now.

3.) I do not think there is anything that anyone could provide for me in which I could not live without. The Water-Diamond Theory states that if you were in the middle of a desert and were offered either a hand full of diamonds, or a gallon of water, what would you take. Now, take the same situation except that you are in New York, what would you take? I just can't grasp that there are things I need or could live without. Some things I do enjoy about her are being extroverted and loving. She also comes from an extremely stable house hold which I really like because I think it adds an element of solidity to our family I am unable to provide. I believe I do not provide her anything at all because she seems to crave highly emotional responses from me that I am unable to give. Sometimes if I am in a really good mood I am able to open up to her some what, but thinking about heavy emotions makes my stomach turn. I can logically recognize that this is unfair to her but am left at a loss.

I also have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that school being on my mind 24/7 is not acceptable. To me math and science are where I find almost absolute comfort. To me these observations and understandings, of our universe, transcend human emotions. I am able to do extremely well in these areas of studies, get great grades, and get closer to getting a degree that will yield a good job. This good job potentially can return money for my sons college, a good place to live, and a good retirement for us. I also am not happy with anything less than a 4.0 in my classes. I feel like being happy about a 3.8 is settling because in this case, perfection is a possibility and I should capitalize. I also have a hard time taking her seriously because she has made the comment twice that she feels like I am studying so much to get away from the family, and that is simply not the case. I study so much because I want good grades and greatly minimize the chances of getting turned down to the school I want to transfer to. I can acknowledge how this is very one-way but, do not know how to approach it any other way. It seems the most logical to me for the success of our family.


Hopefully this is not coming off rude because that is not my intentions. Again, thank you!

You are not coming off rude at all. We are discussing.

I liked Ste11aeres response to you, but I will try to add a little more.

1. You love your wife, and you would miss her if she were to leave you. You have no intentions of leaving your wife. Can she do anything that would cause you to leave her?
The reason I asked the initial question is because if your wife's needs are not being met, it is a possibility that in the future she may seek out the emotional connection that she craves. Her need is no less real than your need to get a 4.0. If that makes sense.

Under number 2. Have you said that to your wife in those exact words? That you need a couple of weeks to find yourself, that right now it is upsetting for you to deal with sex, but at the same time reassuring her that you will talk to her about it again very soon, and give a deadline so she doesn't feel as if she's in limbo and never knows whether you will come back to her emotionally or not. Just the fact that sex is upsetting to you can cause her great distress. Sex is a biological expression of love, and women especially feel much closer to their men afterwards. It's chemicals, biology. She can't help it. But your words could help alleviate some of her distress over the "unknowns" in her mind.

3. You cannot live without food. In order to get food, you need other people. You need stores that sell food, or a farm that can provide the food, or grow your own food. If you had to grow your own food...most of your time would be dedicated to that one task for survival. If you needed to buy food you would need money for that. This is a very general example. But there are many things you NEED in order to live, to survive. You need people to survive. We all work together as a community, none of us could live in total isolation. We depend on others to take up certain tasks so that we may do other tasks. Your wife cannot live a happy life without emotional connection from her husband. She can survive, she can live, but she may not be happy if you do not come to some sort of mutual agreement. You do not have that same need, but you have other needs. You have a son, his future depends on what you give him monetarily as well as emotionally. School 24/7 is not acceptable because people are important too. What good is having a family if you don't give them part of you. What good is a 4.0 if your wife is sad? It is good for you, because it makes you happy. But your wife doesn't need you to have a 4.0. She needs to feel the love you have for her from time to time. All I'm saying is, there are many ways to measure the success of a family. If you don't put happiness on the scale, it may not be considered as successful as you think it will be (to your wife, your son, and to outsiders looking in).

I'm not trying to be rude either. All I'm attempting to do is show you the other side. The potential problems that will eventually start to affect you if you continue down this path. Going with what's natural is great...but if a child isn't taught to throw a ball the correct way (by another person who was taught by another person and so on) and just went with whatever was "natural" then a potential major league pitcher would just be another guy.

 

[Ste11aeres]

You are not coming off rude at all. We are discussing.

I liked Ste11aeres response to you, but I will try to add a little more.

1. You love your wife, and you would miss her if she were to leave you. You have no intentions of leaving your wife. Can she do anything that would cause you to leave her?
The reason I asked the initial question is because if your wife's needs are not being met, it is a possibility that in the future she may seek out the emotional connection that she craves. Her need is no less real than your need to get a 4.0. If that makes sense.

What I'm wondering is is this a temporary situation, while he gets things sorted out for a couple weeks? If it is a long-term thing, than there is a problem. If it is a recent thing, which will be temporary, then that is very different.

You are not coming off rude at all. We are discussing.

Under number 2. Have you said that to your wife in those exact words? That you need a couple of weeks to find yourself, that right now it is upsetting for you to deal with sex, but at the same time reassuring her that you will talk to her about it again very soon, and give a deadline so she doesn't feel as if she's in limbo and never knows whether you will come back to her emotionally or not... your words could help alleviate some of her distress over the "unknowns" in her mind.

I like what you said here.

 

[Sparticus]

Hi GoldenRatio and welcome here. I'm also a new member. About 7-8 years ago after trying online to find out what was wrong with me via research & joining support groups, I stumbled onto Autism/Aspergers. Found 2 groups on Yahoo; 1 large that was dead & thru that a smaller active group. That was me [autism] I had finally found my home & what was "wrong" with me. Or should I say imo what is wrong with the masses After posting for awhile on that group, it died down. Eventually I got busy offline & put autism in the back of my mind.

Anyhoo it wasn't till about 3 years ago I was diagnosed with autism. On Facebook there were ocassional posts about autism [only for children] and I replied to a few posts with "I have Aspergers-autism." I felt like the adult NT's [some who slightly knew me from childhood] nodded their heads in affirmation and went their way. No big deal...I didn't make any big announcement...not sure if it had negative social impact.

Anyway my brain is different, while I can think logically I'm also creative. May you kindly think about how busy your nervous system and brain are right now per recently being diagnosed, school, home and your father's comments etc. What I am trying to say and not sure if it will help you, is that life IS a game. Sadly...yes it is. Perhaps life is a game inside a maze of games. So please be careful that you are cognizant of all that you have been thru and going thru. Your main support [wife] is asking for more of you. Right now I hope you can find some time to meditate and relax.

Maybe you can get her a card and write a short thingie in it about how much she means to you & include a personal phrase of affection that only you two share? I'm sure the women here can better advise you in this department with your wife. When my ex-wife was pregnant, I supported her a lot. But towards the end, I had to take time off [an afternoon on the weekend] from my VERY demanding job where I had been winning awards, volunteering, supporting my ex-wife and her son. She wasn't working & didn't understand that I needed to destress. But without me going off to the woods [I love nature] to meditate for a few hours on the weekend, I would not have been useful to her or my job/company.

Not to sound too negative, but sometimes I think life can be a head game...perhaps that is why some great leaders in history have sought out solace in nature. Good luck on discovering yourself and this trail of life.

 

[GoldenRatio]

You are not coming off rude at all. We are discussing.

I liked Ste11aeres response to you, but I will try to add a little more.

1. You love your wife, and you would miss her if she were to leave you. You have no intentions of leaving your wife. Can she do anything that would cause you to leave her?
The reason I asked the initial question is because if your wife's needs are not being met, it is a possibility that in the future she may seek out the emotional connection that she craves. Her need is no less real than your need to get a 4.0. If that makes sense.

Under number 2. Have you said that to your wife in those exact words? That you need a couple of weeks to find yourself, that right now it is upsetting for you to deal with sex, but at the same time reassuring her that you will talk to her about it again very soon, and give a deadline so she doesn't feel as if she's in limbo and never knows whether you will come back to her emotionally or not. Just the fact that sex is upsetting to you can cause her great distress. Sex is a biological expression of love, and women especially feel much closer to their men afterwards. It's chemicals, biology. She can't help it. But your words could help alleviate some of her distress over the "unknowns" in her mind.

3. You cannot live without food. In order to get food, you need other people. You need stores that sell food, or a farm that can provide the food, or grow your own food. If you had to grow your own food...most of your time would be dedicated to that one task for survival. If you needed to buy food you would need money for that. This is a very general example. But there are many things you NEED in order to live, to survive. You need people to survive. We all work together as a community, none of us could live in total isolation. We depend on others to take up certain tasks so that we may do other tasks. Your wife cannot live a happy life without emotional connection from her husband. She can survive, she can live, but she may not be happy if you do not come to some sort of mutual agreement. You do not have that same need, but you have other needs. You have a son, his future depends on what you give him monetarily as well as emotionally. School 24/7 is not acceptable because people are important too. What good is having a family if you don't give them part of you. What good is a 4.0 if your wife is sad? It is good for you, because it makes you happy. But your wife doesn't need you to have a 4.0. She needs to feel the love you have for her from time to time. All I'm saying is, there are many ways to measure the success of a family. If you don't put happiness on the scale, it may not be considered as successful as you think it will be (to your wife, your son, and to outsiders looking in).

I'm not trying to be rude either. All I'm attempting to do is show you the other side. The potential problems that will eventually start to affect you if you continue down this path. Going with what's natural is great...but if a child isn't taught to throw a ball the correct way (by another person who was taught by another person and so on) and just went with whatever was "natural" then a potential major league pitcher would just be another guy.

1.) It definitely makes sense. It's very hard for me to elicit emotions at times yet, I can see the logic of her desire for those emotions. I am unsure as to whether or not that is the AS or other defining situations in my life. Since the diagnosis we have a new line of communication open that has been helping us massively. I find myself doing this thing called talking now; very interesting experience lol. We are both becoming more patient with each other and both enjoy the dialog.

2.) I had told her that I need a week, or two, to sort things out in my brain. She is really working hard at not being overly aggressive towards me and I do really appreciate it since it has been awhile. We had a conversation last today about how each of us felt towards sex and I reiterated my desire for sorting things out. However, we did schedule a date to go on a helicopter ride, which both of us are extremely excited for, to go around Seattle and the outlining areas. Not having our son around will allow both of us decompression time and hopefully a good connection with fun afterwards.

3.) I find myself odd at times because I recognize the fact that true isolation would send a human crazy, yet I really enjoy being by myself. You stating it that way made me think of how much I rely on my wife for social interactions. I think even at times I vicariously live through her confidence in large groups. She is a very patient woman, obviously , who does not limit herself to typical social conventions. I have always admired this aspect about her. She is also very supportive of my endeavors which I believe I can take for granted. So, I think there is a deep sub-lining of confidence within me that has been built by my wife, and that is something I cannot live without.

As always thank you for your advice. This has given me a lot to think about and it makes me excited for what lies ahead for us. She made a passing joke today stating that our marriage just became a lot easier since now she has a "how-to" guide for me. Oddly enough it is working lol.

 

[GoldenRatio]

Hi GoldenRatio and welcome here. I'm also a new member. About 7-8 years ago after trying online to find out what was wrong with me via research & joining support groups, I stumbled onto Autism/Aspergers. Found 2 groups on Yahoo; 1 large that was dead & thru that a smaller active group. That was me [autism] I had finally found my home & what was "wrong" with me. Or should I say imo what is wrong with the masses After posting for awhile on that group, it died down. Eventually I got busy offline & put autism in the back of my mind.

Anyhoo it wasn't till about 3 years ago I was diagnosed with autism. On Facebook there were ocassional posts about autism [only for children] and I replied to a few posts with "I have Aspergers-autism." I felt like the adult NT's [some who slightly knew me from childhood] nodded their heads in affirmation and went their way. No big deal...I didn't make any big announcement...not sure if it had negative social impact.

Anyway my brain is different, while I can think logically I'm also creative. May you kindly think about how busy your nervous system and brain are right now per recently being diagnosed, school, home and your father's comments etc. What I am trying to say and not sure if it will help you, is that life IS a game. Sadly...yes it is. Perhaps life is a game inside a maze of games. So please be careful that you are cognizant of all that you have been thru and going thru. Your main support [wife] is asking for more of you. Right now I hope you can find some time to meditate and relax.

Maybe you can get her a card and write a short thingie in it about how much she means to you & include a personal phrase of affection that only you two share? I'm sure the women here can better advise you in this department with your wife. When my ex-wife was pregnant, I supported her a lot. But towards the end, I had to take time off [an afternoon on the weekend] from my VERY demanding job where I had been winning awards, volunteering, supporting my ex-wife and her son. She wasn't working & didn't understand that I needed to destress. But without me going off to the woods [I love nature] to meditate for a few hours on the weekend, I would not have been useful to her or my job/company.

Not to sound too negative, but sometimes I think life can be a head game...perhaps that is why some great leaders in history have sought out solace in nature. Good luck on discovering yourself and this trail of life.

I really appreciate the advice. I love how humble my fellow Aspie's are, as it makes for very pleasant communications.

It's amazing at how overloaded your (at least mine) brain feels during the initial post-diagnosis time period. I cannot remember what made me look into AS, but one night I decided to take an AQ type test online that had 150 questions. I scored a 163 out of 200 and still was not answering every question correctly because some of the traits I did not know I was doing until later research (such as imitating people). From there I started seeing a psychologist and the rest is history. Even up to the point of diagnosis, and I guess even now, I have a hard time believing it. But, when something explains almost all of your idiosyncrasies you mine as well believe it lol.

I think writing her a letter is a great idea and I will do that. Maybe since I am not the best communicator I could try and make that a ritual some how. I am much better talking about my feelings through writing, or typing, then I am speaking them.

I have been thinking about meditating. I use to be religious and am now atheist but, I know the power of meditation and feel that would be a big help in the ordered chaos known as my brain. I find nature as the most relaxing experience possible. We have a pond right next to us, and at night it comes alive with frogs; I love listening to the rhythm of them communicating with one another (not a full-nature experience but merely a quick getaway, lol).

I couldn't agree more with you about life being a game. I hear a lot about how Aspie's are terrible at communicating. I agree to a certain aspect but, given how I have spent my whole life memorizing and categorizing social cue's and other expressions, I think we excel at it in certain times. My wife made a comment how she feels everything I say is calculated (don't think it was meant negatively). I feel it has to be that way as to protect yourself at all times. I hold a very grim view of the world and where we are headed. This is an assumption but, it seems like we hold the same view point in regards to life. I saw an interesting picture on here, which I really enjoyed, that stated, "You are the universe, expressing itself as a human for a little while." I absolutely loved this haha.

Anyways, thank you for the great advice. You seem like a very interesting person to talk to.

 

[GoldenRatio]

What I'm wondering is is this a temporary situation, while he gets things sorted out for a couple weeks? If it is a long-term thing, than there is a problem. If it is a recent thing, which will be temporary, then that is very different.

Obviously I cannot predict my future emotions but, I highly doubt this is a long term thing. We have not had sex in approximately a month which has take a toll on my wife. I know why I have not been interested though and it is because prior to diagnosis, I was emotionally spent and had nothing to give. We have a date on Friday which I am looking forward to. I could not agree more with you though, if it is long term it would be a bad thing! That is by no means what I want, literally

 

[asnlifecoach]

1.) It definitely makes sense. It's very hard for me to elicit emotions at times yet, I can see the logic of her desire for those emotions. I am unsure as to whether or not that is the AS or other defining situations in my life. Since the diagnosis we have a new line of communication open that has been helping us massively. I find myself doing this thing called talking now; very interesting experience lol. We are both becoming more patient with each other and both enjoy the dialog.

2.) I had told her that I need a week, or two, to sort things out in my brain. She is really working hard at not being overly aggressive towards me and I do really appreciate it since it has been awhile. We had a conversation last today about how each of us felt towards sex and I reiterated my desire for sorting things out. However, we did schedule a date to go on a helicopter ride, which both of us are extremely excited for, to go around Seattle and the outlining areas. Not having our son around will allow both of us decompression time and hopefully a good connection with fun afterwards.

3.) I find myself odd at times because I recognize the fact that true isolation would send a human crazy, yet I really enjoy being by myself. You stating it that way made me think of how much I rely on my wife for social interactions. I think even at times I vicariously live through her confidence in large groups. She is a very patient woman, obviously , who does not limit herself to typical social conventions. I have always admired this aspect about her. She is also very supportive of my endeavors which I believe I can take for granted. So, I think there is a deep sub-lining of confidence within me that has been built by my wife, and that is something I cannot live without.

As always thank you for your advice. This has given me a lot to think about and it makes me excited for what lies ahead for us. She made a passing joke today stating that our marriage just became a lot easier since now she has a "how-to" guide for me. Oddly enough it is working lol.

You are very welcome. We made a little breakthrough here. I found a way to state something in terms you understand and it made you think about something you may not have thought about before. This is something you and your wife need to keep practicing. Stating things in different (unique, creative, obvious) ways until you both understand what the other is saying.

Scheduling dates is mandatory. She feels like you are setting aside time dedicated for her, and you are prepared for it because it is in the schedule. This needs to become a regular occurrence. (It doesn't always have to be as cool as a helicopter ride, a movie or ice cream works too).

You definitely need your alone time, but you also need to be social. A good balance of both is healthy. It helps you grow and learn, to become whole and not simply one part. You are capable of everything your wife is capable of socially, it just may be a little more difficult for you. I like to use the example of the aspie man who excels at math. It just comes natural to him. He doesn't have to study, he just looks at the problem and BOOM there's the answer in his head. Then you have the NT woman who struggles at math. She needs to write each step of the problem down and it may take her a few minutes, but eventually she gets the correct answer after putting much effort and thought into it. Socially, this woman just knows how to handle any situation. It comes naturally to her. She doesn't even have to think. Now take you, you excel at certain things that come very easily to you, but perhaps socially you have to go through every single step one by one...until you eventually get to the answer. It took a lot of hard work to get there, but you are fully capable of doing it. Perhaps the woman may never be a mathematician, but she can still do pretty darn good in her math class if she puts some effort and hard work into it. Maybe you will never be a master at social relationships...but you sure can manage a few friendships, a wife and son, and be social enough to enjoy a party or two. Remember that!

Stay excited, you are learning so much so quickly! Just remember to keep your wife informed about all of this. Tell her what you said above, you have always admired her confidence, her patience, and appreciate her support of your endeavors. Telling her that directly will mean the world to her, and although you may not feel emotional while saying it, you will elicit emotion in her that she deserves to feel.

 

[Sparticus]

Thanks GoldenRatio! You are interesting to talk to also. Yes! Aspies are fun to talk to-so refreshing Yes we share the same view about the direction of life. I'm sure there is [or can be] a mathematical equation explaining what is going on in modern society. But my mind is busy/riddled with historical events...& attempts to compare and contrast what happened in the past/other societies...and what is happening today. Then I like to guess as to what might happen in the near future.

Kindly excuse me, I hurt my hand at work [pulled muscle maybe.] So I'm trying to avoid typing and scrolling for a few days. I miss this place with excellent people. This is a great website for support.

I really appreciate the advice. I love how humble my fellow Aspie's are, as it makes for very pleasant communications.

It's amazing at how overloaded your (at least mine) brain feels during the initial post-diagnosis time period. I cannot remember what made me look into AS, but one night I decided to take an AQ type test online that had 150 questions. I scored a 163 out of 200 and still was not answering every question correctly because some of the traits I did not know I was doing until later research (such as imitating people). From there I started seeing a psychologist and the rest is history. Even up to the point of diagnosis, and I guess even now, I have a hard time believing it. But, when something explains almost all of your idiosyncrasies you mine as well believe it lol.

I think writing her a letter is a great idea and I will do that. Maybe since I am not the best communicator I could try and make that a ritual some how. I am much better talking about my feelings through writing, or typing, then I am speaking them.

I have been thinking about meditating. I use to be religious and am now atheist but, I know the power of meditation and feel that would be a big help in the ordered chaos known as my brain. I find nature as the most relaxing experience possible. We have a pond right next to us, and at night it comes alive with frogs; I love listening to the rhythm of them communicating with one another (not a full-nature experience but merely a quick getaway, lol).

I couldn't agree more with you about life being a game. I hear a lot about how Aspie's are terrible at communicating. I agree to a certain aspect but, given how I have spent my whole life memorizing and categorizing social cue's and other expressions, I think we excel at it in certain times. My wife made a comment how she feels everything I say is calculated (don't think it was meant negatively). I feel it has to be that way as to protect yourself at all times. I hold a very grim view of the world and where we are headed. This is an assumption but, it seems like we hold the same view point in regards to life. I saw an interesting picture on here, which I really enjoyed, that stated, "You are the universe, expressing itself as a human for a little while." I absolutely loved this haha.

Anyways, thank you for the great advice. You seem like a very interesting person to talk to.

 

[CeasarKungPow]

I was just recently diagnosed with Asperger's. The feeling of having a means to identify myself has been very euphoric, yet confusing at the same time. The reason for the confusion is I have always believed that my social interactions were derived from intuition, not intellect. Upon discovering that I was actually imitating the socially successful NT's around me, confusion set in as to how I should approach the future. So, for the past week (very recently diagnosed) I have trying to ignore all the things I have taught myself and act "normally", if that makes sense. I actually feels really good not responding to emotions, or empathy, that I simply do not understand. As of right now it feels right, and meaningful. It feels like I am displaying, for those who are close to me, how I really process what they are saying instead of internalizing my confusion to the required response. Is this healthy behavior, or am I heading down a path that will lead to added pain and frustration? Hopefully this makes sense; if not let me know and I will attempt to clarify as best as possible.

I can totally relate to what you are saying. It all made sense to me at once too. I had mind movies replaying moments in my life that never made sense. I found removing the filters as I like to call it and behaving as the real me, the one that has been locked up all my life and was frustratingly trying to get out. Life without the filters, unlearning the rules I taught myself is exhilarating. People do much less agonising small talk with me. It's also helped me to look at faces a bit more, although the demon eyes still haunt me!!! Why are you staring???? Ha Ha.
Best way to think about it is that you have a new life to explore now. The real you. Fantastic and amazing.
Keep going, you're doing great

 

[Catlover614]

All those years as a child, I thought people just hated me for no good reason. After realizing that I have Aspergers, I finally feel free to be me and quit feeling bad about myself. I'm not a bad person. I'm unique and getting to the point that I don't care what others think of me. I'm so tired of tiptoing around people who don't get autism. Like Baby from the movie Dirty Dancing, I have been shoved in the corner and had my mouth duck taped so that I was made to believe that I don't matter. I DO matter and so does everyone else. All lives matter, regardless of how insignificant they may feel. I get officially diagnosed Tuesday, 19th, and it's a relief because I no longer need to feel like a waste of space or a condemned weirdo.

 

[ivy-coffman]

I have recently discovered I have PDA (in the US, it's just considered Aspergers), and I am still really frustrated. I get bullied a lot at work. And we're all adults so you would think that would stop. But people say I don't have common sense, when I try to explain that I have aspergers, people try to change me. My friend likes to be sarcastic and I told her that I don't understand sarcasm and she said, "I'm going to be more sarcastic then, so you will get it." And now, basically our entire relationship is me never trusting that she means what she says. My husband and I fight a lot. Especially because he likes to ask me rhetorical questions and blows up when I answer them. But when he's not asking a rhetorical question, and I don't answer, he blows up thinking I'm ignoring him. But sometimes I guess correctly, and when I do he says "See, you understood my sarcasm. You are just a smart ass. Stop blaming everything on your aspergers." And basically everyone and everything makes me feel like the worse person in the world. When I was told my aunt got cancer, a few seconds later, I continued was I was talking about before. My family thought I didn't care. I did care. I cared a lot. But there was nothing I could do about it, and nothing I could say to make it better, so I moved on. People say I don't care about other people and that I can't be empathetic but I feel that I am extremely empathetic. If someone is going through something, I feel their pain too. When someone is excited or proud, I feel like it's happening to me too. But they never know, because they think I just don't care.