Back to being numb and unfeeling again...

[UberScout]

Once more I have returned to being a cold, unfeeling ghost that hates humanity and everything in it.

And it's all because yesterday, my stepfather was looking for a specific flavor of chips that had gone missing, and thought I ate them. He yelled at me so loud, so high that my ears rang. Then I pointed out that getting this upset over something as minor as a snack food was absolutely pathetic. Then he hit me with a shoe.

I'm done. I can't go back this time. This stuff happens to me so often, so much, that it's not even worth getting angry about or holding a grudge against. I don't hate my stepfather but I hate that he takes things this small so seriously. And every attempt to try to change that has failed miserably, so I'm done.

On top of him calling me an addict, people in public telling me I make excuses and am a child (I had to run an errand by myself the other day and made small talk with an old woman that I almost spat in the face of when she said this), things going wrong every day and machinery and electronics breaking as a routine, I've just come to realize that Earth is nothing but a big blue ball of evil and strife. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I want to die, but I don't want to know what would happen if I pulled the trigger myself. Is there any escape from this horrible, wretched, heinous reality that is life itself?

And I know you'll all tell me to go to the hospital. Being imprisoned in a place where they follow you around and track everything about you and use what you say against you will only lower my morale further.

This place we call Earth is actually Hell in disguise.

 

[tree]

The first line is a contradiction.
Cold unfeeling entities do not experience hatred.

I believe you have guessed wrong on at least one of the replies.
I wasn't going to say go to the hospital.
I don't know where you should be, but it doesn't seem to me
that living with your mother and step-father is the optimal situation.

If you have some type of caseworker, this seems like a good
time to contact that individual.

 

[Wolfnox]

Whats the weather like? If its sunny i say take a long walk. Nature is beautiful and unbiased as long as your careful. Or listen to some nice music on your head phones. There are beautiful things in this world. You just have to look for them. Hold on to the beleif things will get better.

 

[Wolfnox]

This helps too. Proof humanity can make beautiful things.

 

[GrownupGirl]

Your stepfather sounds like an abusive man. He should not be hitting you with shoes when he's angry over something that isn't your fault. In fact, he shouldn't be hitting you at all. Is there anyone or any place you can go to for help?

 

[Pats]

Your stepfather is being abusive and if you can get out, I would advise that for sure - but wasn't going to mention hospital because it's a only temporary solution anyway. You got angry at an older lady, so I would also mention to you how easy it is to follow someone else's behavior unknowingly. Please be careful about that. Take some deep breathes and close your eyes. If you can't get out, at least try to avoid your stepfather. Where's your mom at these times?

 

[GadAbout]

Step-dad is abusive.

I would recommend you contact the agency that intervenes for "vulnerable" adults in abusive home situations. Do you need to be hospitalized? (Like, are you mentally ill?) If not, what you need is alternate placement in a safe environment.

 

[Fino]

Did he slap you with the shoe? Chuck it like a bullet? Slam it in your face? Hit your arm with it? Beat you repeatedly with it?

I thought I remembered you saying you're choosing to live with them and there are various reasons I can't recall.

 

[Aspychata]

Understand this. My step-father was abusive pretty much like that. We internalize this and blame ourselves.
This isn't your fault. He is very poor father material. Nobody should hurt or abuse you. You have to get ready to start looking for a job and become independent. l left at 18 and was working and supporting myself because l never really had parents in the sense of what parents are suppose to do. l was a burden once l turned into a teenager. l couldn't wait to leave. This is starting to sound like my bad marriage. I left that too.