DogwoodTree
Still here...
I've recently discovered this is an unusual phenomenon, and I'm wondering if it's common to aspies or not. A little background info...
I recently was in a group conversation with someone who was having trouble learning how to meditate. One of the leaders suggested he try "seeing himself", as if in a mirror, to help with the meditation so he could focus on his current-moment existence. He tried it, and the next day he reported that it worked really well--he saw a mental image of himself for the first time in his life and was completely amazed at the experience.
This guy was, perhaps, in his mid- to late 50s. I was shocked he could be that old and never have created a mental image of himself before. I do this all the time. For as long as I can remember, even back to being a small child, I've always had a sense of watching myself from a position to my right and slightly above and behind my physical body. I realize this is a mental construction of what I think I look like, based on things I can actually see, and assumptions I make about what I look like from that angle, and other images that get mixed in. For example, I rarely "see" my own face in my mental constructions--it's usually combinations of aspects of other people's faces, but I do see my own body and the clothes I'm wearing, the position I'm standing/sitting in, etc. And it's pretty constant, without trying. I have a constant awareness of my appearance from that angle. At the same time, I also have an awareness of my perception from my physical body's angle, too. When I tried to describe this to my husband, he said, "So you experience life in stereo?" That's pretty accurate. I experience both perspectives at one time, the perspective from my physical body and the perspective from this extra-personal location just to the side and looking back at myself.
From what I've read, most sources call this experience of seeing yourself autoscopy. There are different kinds of autoscopy, including thinking you're in your body but seeing a projection of yourself in extra-personal space, or thinking you're floating outside your body and looking back at yourself (like an out-of-body experience). Most people describe these experiences as being highly disturbing, and even end up suicidal if the experiences are chronic. Experts refer to the experiences as dissociative in nature.
However, this isn't how I experience it. I think I use these mental images primarily as a form of hypervigilance. A lot of this is in an effort to monitor my behavior, posture, facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, etc. in trying to appear as normal as possible. And it's not something I perceive as being disruptive--rather, I feel ungrounded when I've been so distracted by something else that I've lost a sense of this extra-personal perspective for a period of time. Reconnecting mentally with the autoscopic perspective is grounding for me. I feel more aware of myself and in control of how I'm behaving, etc., when I'm watching myself from this external angle. And it's not always super positive (like a narcissistic self-admiration) or super negative (although it can and does trigger shame feelings). Many times, it's simply neutral, just observing and noting what I see.
Does this sound familiar to anyone? There's very little information about it online, and nearly everything discusses autoscopy as a serious pathologic disturbance. It's sometimes categorized as a form of depersonalization. But my experience doesn't seem so dissociative to me. As I said, it feels grounding for me, in helping me to be aware of myself and how I might be coming across to other people. It's not limited to when I'm around others, though. Very often throughout the day, even when I'm alone, I have this extra-personal sense of myself, to the point I'm actually embarrassed about things I do that seem embarrassing to myself even when no one else is around (e.g., trip over something, drop something, do something else clumsy, etc.).
When I tried to describe this to my acupuncturist (who also studied as a neuroscientist), he said he had never heard of this at all. He even suggested I contact someone like Oliver Sacks to see what he thinks about it. We also discussed that it might be connected to my mirror-touch synesthesia, that my mirror neurons are especially overactive, or that there is some other cross-wiring in my brain. I wonder if it has something to do with hyper-visualization, as I tend to mentally visualize way beyond what my eyes can physically perceive. For example, when I look at a wall, I can't help but imagine what the inside of that wall looks like (the wood structure, the wiring, etc.) and what's behind that wall (the next room, the furniture in that room, etc.).
At any rate, my question is mostly...does this hyper-vigilant experience of autoscopic perspective sound familiar to anyone?
I recently was in a group conversation with someone who was having trouble learning how to meditate. One of the leaders suggested he try "seeing himself", as if in a mirror, to help with the meditation so he could focus on his current-moment existence. He tried it, and the next day he reported that it worked really well--he saw a mental image of himself for the first time in his life and was completely amazed at the experience.
This guy was, perhaps, in his mid- to late 50s. I was shocked he could be that old and never have created a mental image of himself before. I do this all the time. For as long as I can remember, even back to being a small child, I've always had a sense of watching myself from a position to my right and slightly above and behind my physical body. I realize this is a mental construction of what I think I look like, based on things I can actually see, and assumptions I make about what I look like from that angle, and other images that get mixed in. For example, I rarely "see" my own face in my mental constructions--it's usually combinations of aspects of other people's faces, but I do see my own body and the clothes I'm wearing, the position I'm standing/sitting in, etc. And it's pretty constant, without trying. I have a constant awareness of my appearance from that angle. At the same time, I also have an awareness of my perception from my physical body's angle, too. When I tried to describe this to my husband, he said, "So you experience life in stereo?" That's pretty accurate. I experience both perspectives at one time, the perspective from my physical body and the perspective from this extra-personal location just to the side and looking back at myself.
From what I've read, most sources call this experience of seeing yourself autoscopy. There are different kinds of autoscopy, including thinking you're in your body but seeing a projection of yourself in extra-personal space, or thinking you're floating outside your body and looking back at yourself (like an out-of-body experience). Most people describe these experiences as being highly disturbing, and even end up suicidal if the experiences are chronic. Experts refer to the experiences as dissociative in nature.
However, this isn't how I experience it. I think I use these mental images primarily as a form of hypervigilance. A lot of this is in an effort to monitor my behavior, posture, facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, etc. in trying to appear as normal as possible. And it's not something I perceive as being disruptive--rather, I feel ungrounded when I've been so distracted by something else that I've lost a sense of this extra-personal perspective for a period of time. Reconnecting mentally with the autoscopic perspective is grounding for me. I feel more aware of myself and in control of how I'm behaving, etc., when I'm watching myself from this external angle. And it's not always super positive (like a narcissistic self-admiration) or super negative (although it can and does trigger shame feelings). Many times, it's simply neutral, just observing and noting what I see.
Does this sound familiar to anyone? There's very little information about it online, and nearly everything discusses autoscopy as a serious pathologic disturbance. It's sometimes categorized as a form of depersonalization. But my experience doesn't seem so dissociative to me. As I said, it feels grounding for me, in helping me to be aware of myself and how I might be coming across to other people. It's not limited to when I'm around others, though. Very often throughout the day, even when I'm alone, I have this extra-personal sense of myself, to the point I'm actually embarrassed about things I do that seem embarrassing to myself even when no one else is around (e.g., trip over something, drop something, do something else clumsy, etc.).
When I tried to describe this to my acupuncturist (who also studied as a neuroscientist), he said he had never heard of this at all. He even suggested I contact someone like Oliver Sacks to see what he thinks about it. We also discussed that it might be connected to my mirror-touch synesthesia, that my mirror neurons are especially overactive, or that there is some other cross-wiring in my brain. I wonder if it has something to do with hyper-visualization, as I tend to mentally visualize way beyond what my eyes can physically perceive. For example, when I look at a wall, I can't help but imagine what the inside of that wall looks like (the wood structure, the wiring, etc.) and what's behind that wall (the next room, the furniture in that room, etc.).
At any rate, my question is mostly...does this hyper-vigilant experience of autoscopic perspective sound familiar to anyone?
