Autistic coping techniques in the face of intimidating bullies

[Mister Anonymity]

I've been bullied my whole life. Are there any coping mechanisms to deal with bullying? More specifically, have there been any stories where autistic people were bullied and as a coping technique, they attached themselves to something that gave them peace of mind?

I know for certain that I am autistic (probably). I grew attached to literature to avoid the bullies. I used to read Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter behind the portable classrooms to escape the bullies' attention. As a result, I became more eloquent and articulate. Also I became more appreciative of dark melancholic songs by dark synthpop, gothic rock, and industrial rock bands like Nine Inch Nails, Boy Harsher, Cigarettes After Sex, Bauhaus, The Cure, The Smiths, Joy Division, and so on. Please share with me your experiences of being bullied and being different, and how you coped with it. I would very much like to learn how to cope with being different from other people who aren't autistic. It's a struggle, and if autistic people can share their stories, I would very much appreciate that.

 

[The Q]

Oh man, I can tell stories about childhood bullying. Weirdly enough the worst of my experiences weren't in high school, but in elementary and middle (but especially elementary). While I was still very solitary in highschool, at that point it was just my own introversion and disconnect that made it difficult to have fun with others, though there were other (mostly mentally ill) kids that I huddled with at that time and one of them is still the only person I consider a real best friend.
But elementary school. I have very very poor memory of that time, a lot of it is blurred, or disjointed, or otherwise hard for me to recall, but it was just a very angry, isolated, and frustrating time for kid-me. Even to this day I have a very hard time connecting myself to that child, I feel uncomfortable trying to recollect memories of a person who feels more like a character I read about.
I was not allowed into any friend groups in elementary school, ostracized, the usual deal. A lot of slow-burning hostility from other children, being made fun of, the passive aggression you come to recognize as being made a joke of. Textbook "weird kid" stuff. One of the other boys I hung around with was the only one who made it physical and twisted my arm, the rest was just verbal/social.
The two big incidents in my mind were to do with the girls who were always vicious. Being called a "dick-faced lesbian" was confusing and....well just strange coming from a 8 year old girl yelling it at me. Who teaches kids stuff like that? But hey, at least that gave me a hint later on that mayyyybe I was a guy.
In general the girls would always be very ruthless, I think it was the stuff that really freaked me out and made me feel helpless because they had no qualms of getting into my space, pushing me around. I was freak entertainment for them at best.
I can't say I coped with it super well; I was angry and alone for a long long time. I read a lot, as most of us do. For me I took a chronological progression from Sherlock Holmes to Lovecraft to Raymond Chandler before finally landing on Dean Koontz for the rest of my adolescence. I wrote a lot, daydreamed a lot, existed in kind of a semi-permanent zoned out state until the end of middle school when I started realizing I didn't have to make my classmates afraid of me to get them to acknowledge me. I think my awareness of myself as me started early highschool, and I've been sort of grappling with it ever since.

 

[Major Tom]

I would advise learning martial arts, something practical like karate or Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Not only will it allow you to learn how to protect yourself, it will give you peace in your mind, body and heart.

I was bullied but not by peers, by my huge lumbering oaf of a stepfather. I learned karate and one day he hit my mother and I had to use what I learned in karate on him. I was a lot smaller, but better trained and after that fight, he never touched me or my mother again.

 

[Fino]

I was hit a lot. I coped by doing nothing when it happened and pretending it didn't happen when it wasn't happening. Maybe I can be your example of what not to do!

 

[Gerontius]

Don't forgive as often as you want to, if it's family doing it. Eventually you will have to draw the line.

 

[Karamazov]

I too responded to bullying by finding an out of the way corner (in my case a science lab that was never locked) and building a mental cocoon from books and music.
Sherlock Holmes, LOTR, Terry Pratchett and the Gormenghast books for the most part, and also went for dark/gothic/grungy music.
Also did a lot of severely morbid painting & drawing through that time.

The cocoon sustained me, and it’s all still there as a fundamental part of who I am... but ultimately I had to expand my reading & musical tastes and creative style/subject matter: the cocoon became a psychological prison that was preventing me from doing my best to function as an adult.

 

[Au Naturel]

I attached myself to weight lifting, martial arts, and a f*** you attitude. I wish I'd started it when I was 12 instead of 18. Physical bullies are easier to deal with than psychological bullies.

I suppose I also attached myself to science. In the end, it was a bust but at least in grade school it kept me going.

 

[Els]

I was bullied as well.
There are some things that helped me.
- Avoiding
- Finding someone who can be protective
- Finding safe places
- Learn from the person who's protective how they act
- Learn from aggressive people how they show muscle

Now I do defend myself, and I don't hesitate. I judge who's the person in front of me. I don't take unconsiderate actions, but I can scream at people and become really bad if they don't respect a boundary that I prevented calmly is there already. I can be impressive and/or make people want to avoid me.
Now, being aggressive myself isn't something I like to be doing. But unless the person is a real threat - I mean physically - I can become aggressive.
The last time was this week. Walking my dogs, as always. It's been maybe 3 times that a man is coming on my walk's way, and he tries to approach my dogs without ever asking me, not even saying hello. I left go the first 2 times. This week, he whistled my dog from far. I started seeing this as bullying/harrasment, and seeing that he would continue and get impossible and clearly trouble my peace if I ignored. I came to him to tell him clearly to stop. He had a reaction like "I didn't do anything". He took a full blow of insults in his ears, very bad comments, and clearer warnings than "talking" which he wasn't sensitive to apparently. It's been 4 days, he didn't come back and my walks are peaceful again. I come there for 10 years, everyday, and because of the virus there are just more people coming and being bored, trying new games. So I've got to watch carefully. I hate having to behave this way. But depending on the person, you can really see that they're not that impressive, they're just acting like yfd$df$r$ù^ze^^kqf because people ignore them instead of telling them they're being rude/harrassing and assert normal boundaries. So they're free to have fun on you and do their BS everywhere. But as soon as you become more impressive, and anyway defend something you're in your right to defend, they're afraid. Some people are nuisances but they're not that strong themselves. Walking with my 2 huge dogs is different than walking on my own as well. But there's a difference between me being intimidated (I'm intimidated by everyone anyway), and the person being REALLY intimidating. It's not the same.
Some are REAL threats and there you might want to ask for help and not do anything on your own. You must analyze the situation correctly.
If it's a situation you can solve by talking/asking : do that.
If it's a situation you can solve by ignoring : do that.
Then it's really about : who you have in front of you, where you are, if you're alone or not, and so on. It's a bit difficult to do for me to be honest, but possible. Your safety is the first thing you must think about.

I don't say my method is the best possible, but so far it has worked better to get what I wanted and get rid of harrassing people than being too fearful. But it really depends on the situation, and that's for me the difficult parameter.
But no matter the thing you choose to do, you must learn to defend yourself and assert your boundaries. It's impossible to live at the contact of other people without doing that, honestly.

 

[Giraffes]

I was bullies throughout school as i was quiet, shy and never 'defended' myself with people, also venerable as i was clueless as to why people would act and do what they did, my Dad was a controlling angry man and Mum a depressive negative person so i basically withdrew from the world and excaped with books (crime novels) and Jazz. My first bout of depression was at 15 when the hormones and challenges of Adolesance kicked in. My Mum (possibly Autistic) kept me off school and i was prescribed meditation and a social worker, at that time regonision of my Autism didn't happen till I paid for my diagnosis at 40
From school till recently my life was lonely, anxious and i was very subseptible to people taking the Mickey, taking advantage and myself taking it.
Good news is NO MORE i am me and now know a bit of self regard and worth, people who are rude, nasty and manipulative best stay away from me and i will tell them this and often that's enough for them to back off. I now only want people in my life that show regard and respect for me, accept my 'different way of being' and are loyal and friendly.
I also mimic people who protect themselves and try to 'own' constructive feed back as a positive thing and learn from it.
My advice know and respect your value, react and take action when people are unreasonable by dealing with it directly and if unable to do this tell a person whom you trust.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Safety in numbers. Not to say if you're with people you know, that someone won't be a bully - but you'll probably have people to stick up for you. As for bullies - I tend not to give them an inch. If people choose to be rude or make comments, if they don't get a reaction - they don't often continue. If you show anger, resentment, upset etc - that's when they tend to keep going on and on. No sense in escalating something like that, they're doing it for show, for an audience, or to feel like they've got to you.

I experienced bullying at school. In later years I saw some of these people and bore them no animosity. In fact we got on quite well and seemed to have more similarities as adults than we had as children in school. Whilst a bully isn't doing something nice, if you look to how or why they are acting like this, you'll probably see they aren't happy and probably taking our their inner issues on other people. Of course, this doesn't justify their behaviour - but it's worth noting that a victim may indeed victimise others.

I had pondered self defence before - but I know it's not really in my nature to be that way. Outside of playfighting with my brother as a kid, I have never been in a real fight. When me and my brother were teenagers, one play fight turned into something a little more serious. After all was said and done I had a mini emotional breakdown - as it genuinely unnerved me how I lost all control and genuinely hurt him. So I never fought again.

I'm not a fighter, and whilst I could train and spa to a point where I could be a fighter, what would it achieve? It might make me feel safe - but knowing my personality, and my short temper: it's much more likely to get me in serious trouble. I'd probably turn self-defense into something offensive and dangerous, if I was to snap when provoked.

Nowadays MMA and self defence is very popular. The last thing I'd want is to act completely out of character and react, or even overreact to a bully or a passing insult in a way that would lead to a fight. There's people in this world who are itching for a fight - especially lads out drinking on weekends etc. Alcohol related violence is rife on weekends. That moment where I fought my brother plays in my head again and again. I think if I was ever caught in a fight, I wouldn't know when to stop - so I make sure I never get myself into such a situation.

In terms of conflict, I know I'm a coward at heart. I prefer strengthening my mind, rather than my muscles. Then again, both my mind and my muscles give me a lot of issues due to stress. Outside stressors such as bullies aren't really a big problem for me anymore. I'm 6'4" covered in tattoos and piercings, and keep myself to myself. Most people who's eyeline I meet in the street look put off by me. Perhaps they assume I'm a bully. In reality I'm the BFG.

Then again, I don't drink anymore and I don't really go out much at all. So I tend to find I don't experience bullying anymore. If anything, the only time I regularly encounter abrasive and obnoxious comments is when I game online. So many toxic cowards in the gaming world - give them a mic or a keyboard and they try their utmost to elicit negative responses out of people by hurling insults and trolling strangers.

I suppose faceless online conversations give these people a sense of confidence. A bit like bullies feel on alcohol, or when surrounded by their mates and picking on someone they look at as "lesser" or strange.

Ed

 

[SDRSpark]

I was hit a lot. I coped by doing nothing when it happened and pretending it didn't happen when it wasn't happening. Maybe I can be your example of what not to do!

SAME. I learned to just not react. People hit me? Don't react. Threw things? Don't react. Yelled? Stone face. Don't react. Don't show fear. Don't show emotion. Don't react.

 

[HidinginPlainSight]

Don't try to beat anyone up. The cinematic moment that puts all your troubles behind you will never happen. Reacting violently is more likely to add layers of confusion in the social mores which surround it.

Also, the most likely scenario here is that the bullying is not all physical. True bullying takes on a different characteristic than that described by popular culture and school officials alike. It usually involves finding an insecurity, no matter how small, and making fun of it. It isn't a couple kids taking your lunch money. It is a group of peers, peers that the victim often feels the need to have approval from.

This is psychologically torturous. The victims defenses are stripped away with no obvious Biff to punch in the face on prom night to end all troubles. The bullies work first at destroying your self image and the ability to fight back. At that point in the process the physical intimidation starts, usually from a few ringleaders. These ringleaders are not outcasts, but instead the kids who find popularity within their social circles and from the teachers.

The idea you are going to punch your bully troubles away is likely the worst advice possible. There is no easy solution. I was bullied to an extreme degree in school and do speak from experience.

Just remember that your circumstance is not permanent and they don't define you. Other than that, it really sucks to be picked on.

 

[Els]

I forgot about an other thing I learned : telling others about the situation and what happens. But useful ones. Not people who don't care or aren't reliable.
Believing that I shouldn't tell anyone is something I regret now, it could've avoided me to be put in the same sleeping room than the bully, only the 2 of us alone, when travelling with the class. She was a nightmare to deal with and I wasn't as wild as now. No one had any idea about what was happening and that wasn't helpful at all.

 

[Au Naturel]

I've been in several fights with bullies. It might have been different 50 years ago in a small rural town but that is how you survived. You might have had to take some damage but you had to show you weren't afraid. If you were able to do a little damage in return, so much the better. It was almost like there was an unwritten "code of the schoolyard."

If you didn't fight back, the bully won and would continue to bully you. A bully gets his own sense of value by devaluing their victim. By resisting, you are asserting your own value. Plus, bullies are extremely averse to receiving even minor pain from a target.

The worst thing you could do was telling an adult. That made you a tattletale and then even kids who might have been sympathetic to you would shy away.

Psychological bullying is different. You can't fight a group of kids teasing you, playing tricks on you. And you can't pretend it doesn't hurt because they know it does.