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Aspire husband clueless about boundaries with other single women

Yes. I’ve thought of that.
She doesn’t come across as the seducing type. She’s kinda grumpy, bossy.
My husband doesn’t like that!
He does have several female friends, but I have not been quite so threatened by them. They just seem honest.
I have never liked her. I get a vibe that I don’t like.
I can’t control him.
I let him know how I feel.
That’s all I can do.
 
you should ask him if he would be ok with you doing what he is doing with the lady's husband or another guy friend without him. He might come into a better understanding of the situation from that prospective.
 
you should ask him if he would be ok with you doing what he is doing with the lady's husband or another guy friend without him. He might come into a better understanding of the situation from that prospective.

The lady in question's a Widow
 
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you should ask him if he would be ok with you doing what he is doing with the lady's husband or another guy friend without him. He might come into a better understanding of the situation from that prospective.
I did. He said he would be fine with it. I believe him, he really isn’t the jealous type.
 
you should ask him if he would be ok with you doing what he is doing with the lady's husband or another guy friend without him. He might come into a better understanding of the situation from that prospective.

I doubt it is that simple, I know from that I would have absolutely no problem if my wife wanted to go to a concert etc with a male friend, I trust her and I am not the jealous type, whereas I know if I was to go somewhere with a woman she would be jealous. Of course I only know this because she told me.
 
I doubt it is that simple, I know from that I would have absolutely no problem if my wife wanted to go to a concert etc with a male friend, I trust her and I am not the jealous type, whereas I know if I was to go somewhere with a woman she would be jealous. Of course I only know this because she told me.
I see what you are saying.
I know he has a huge resistance to anyone controlling him.
I wish he would see beyond his desire for all out autonomy and at least be a little (or a lot) more reassuring. But I believe I have some insecurity issues.
He stated to me that they wouldn’t go together, but maybe hang out at a concert if they were both there.
I just feel she is being too forward. I also have discovered quite a bit of enlightenment on this website. It has helped me.
I am grateful for the people that have responded to me.
 
Clearly I am late to comment, but I think it is worth noting that in relationships not everything could and should be explained or discussed in relation to autism. Relationships are complicated and only the two people involved really know what is going on. It is always a dynamic of interaction and counteraction between the two individual. We are talking about mature consenting adults, who navigated their way into independent living, jobs, long term relationships. I guess I am trying to say he is quite well functioning, he achieved a level of life experience and functioning that in my opinion would involve understanding subtleties of jealousy and social norms.

I think he is playing you, Catherine. There is an element of mind games here that you need to tackle regardless of autism.

...he does not seem to understand that she is using him to fill a void. Let alone disrespecting me.
My stomach is in knots and I have such distress.

It is an assumption that he doesn't understand and it is not necessary to use autism to excuse away the unacceptable behavior. It sounds like he intends it to be totally innocent, but he ought to be aware of social norms. Doing this sends all the wrong messages to that woman and to others, it humiliates you in public and he should absolutely be aware of this and not cross this boundary.

He should know, be aware it is distressing for you, it should be a clear no go area as well. He should realize that and never go there. I mean never do things that distress you because he wouldn't want you to do thing that could distress him.

You mentioned that he resists being controlled and doing this could be his way to assert some autonomy and show his independence. Relationship dynamic is complex and some of it could be triggered by earlier incidents. Is it possible that he felt that way when you did something that appeared innocent to you, but felt a betrayal to him? Not even necessarily in terms of going out with male friends, but breaching some other safety boundaries of his? I am just asking.

I am actually furious. ..But I don’t believe in confronting people or making demands or ultimatums. I feel my hands are tied.
I honestly feel he doesn’t get it.

Why do you say your hands are tight? Of course they aren't. Communicating openly about issues that matter is an expectation of a genuine relationship.

If it is so distressing for you, surely you need to assert your needs and boundaries. Of course you need to be vocal and assertive about this. It should be clear, otherwise it sounds like a mind game.

He may feel that you are playing some sort of passive aggressive mind game where you hide your feelings and expectations from him, that get angry and blame him for not knowing them. It may feel manipulative to an aspie.

I am actually furious...I honestly feel he doesn’t get it.
If you use the argument of his autism as a reason for blaming him, it could add even more unhealthy dynamic into the relationship.
He could be counteracting to this, pretending to not 'get' anything while actually understanding that he is hurting you, obviously being out of line.

I think you should look into some advice into handling such mind games situation as if your husband was not autistic.

The first thing in my opinion is to talk openly and clear the air about this mind game dynamic, to reestablish the boundaries and respecting each-others needs.
 
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I am actually furious. I am not a mincing mouse. But I don’t believe in confronting people or making demands or ultimatums. I feel my hands are tied.
I honestly feel he doesn’t get it.

What kind of tone and language have you used to broach the subject? Your husband may not be able to handle what he perceives to be a threatening way of bringing the subject up.
 
Clearly I am late to comment, but I think it is worth noting that in relationships not everything could and should be explained or discussed in relation to autism. Relationships are complicated and only the to people involved really know what is going on. It is always a dynamic of interaction and counteraction between the two individual. We are talking about mature consenting adults, who navigated their way into independent living, jobs, long term relationships. I guess I am trying to say he is quite well functioning, he achieved a level of life experience and functioning that in my opinion would involve understanding subtleties of jealousy and social norms.

I think he is playing you, Catherine. There is an element of mind games here that you need to tackle regardless of autism.



It is an assumption that he doesn't understand and it is not necessary to use autism to excuse away the unacceptable behavior. It sounds like he intends it to be totally innocent, but he ought to be aware of social norms. Doing this sends all the wrong messages to that woman and to others, it humiliates you in public and he should absolutely be aware of this and not cross this boundary.

He should know, be aware it is distressing for you, it should be a clear no go area as well. He should realize that and never go there. I mean never do things that distress you because he wouldn't want you to do thing that could distress him.

You mentioned that he resists being controlled and doing this could be his way to assert some autonomy and show his independence. Relationship dynamic is complex and some of it could be triggered by earlier incidents. Is it possible that he felt that way when you did something that appeared innocent to you, but felt a betrayal to him? Not even necessarily in terms of going out with male friends, but breaching some other safety boundaries of his? I am just asking.



Why do you say your hands are tight? Of course they aren't. Communicating openly about issues that matter is an expectation of a genuine relationship.

If it is so distressing for you, surely you need to assert your needs and boundaries. Of course you need to be vocal and assertive about this. It should be clear, otherwise it sounds like a mind game.

He may feel that you are playing some sort of passive aggressive mind game where you hide your feelings and expectations from him, that get angry and blame him for not knowing them. It may feel manipulative to an aspie.


If you use the argument of his autism as a reason for blaming him, it could add even more unhealthy dynamic into the relationship.
He could be counteracting to this, pretending to not 'get' anything while actually understanding that he is hurting you, obviously being out of line.

I think you should look into some advice into handling such mind games situation as if your husband was not autistic.

The first thing in my opinion is to talk openly and clear the air about this mind game dynamic, to reestablish the boundaries and respecting each-others needs.
This is good advice. I relate to the mind games suggestion. Growing up we were never allowed to be honest about what we felt unless it was to praise, agree, go along. I still have that issue until i get really upset and then I can not express my hurt and anger rationally. I believe he was raised the same way. But, I am working on this. I definitely will go back to my therapist with this new insight. Thank you.
 

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