Asperger's related grieving

[Judge]

There's no established protocol for how one handles grief. You handle it in your own way and that's as good as it gets.

Regardless of what anyone else says or thinks. Me? Yes, I still grieve for mistakes of the past. I suppose I will be doing it until I die.

 

[CloudRomy]

I live in the city where I was identified as aspie, and every familiar building and street makes me wince, now, as I remember. Sometimes I just weep. It's driving me to understanding just how I get really depressed, and to ways of making this better. Agree with previous posters about mindfulness, although I only seem to be able to use two techniques and I know the toolkit's deeper than that.

I live in the area I grew up in, and my small routine keeps me right in the middle of where all the events occurred over the years that cause me grief, embarrassment, guilt. There are some places that I go past and I feel the pain as if it was happening now. I'm hoping that properly directed therapy and my own work will lead to either acceptance and letting go of these feelings of the past, and/or I'll be able to make some life changes that take me in other directions.

I hope we all are able to make peace with that grief of the past.


I too, wish that I could disclose my diagnosis to some people and get their support and understanding, but I don't trust that it would have the desired effect.

Yes, this is happening to me too. I also continuously worry that I don't really have Aspergers and that it's all in my imagination even though I've been officially diagnosed, I get really paranoid at times.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I'm sorry that also find this so difficult. As On the Inside said I too hope we can make peace with the grief of the past. My thoughts are with you...

 

[CloudRomy]

Goodness me! EXACTLY what I am doing!!!!! I am going through all my life so far and thinking: if I had known, things would have been different; I would appreciate that I am not some sort of alien species, but different and actually, that is not so bad.

The hardest thing is to explain things to an nt, for honestly, ones who are TRULY nt thinking, cannot get it around their head and how can an aspie, explain, when an aspie has a hard time explaining anyway?

My husband says that now I know what is wrong with me, I should be able to improve and brings up an old friend who tried when he was not diagnosed, but as soon as he was diagnosed with a severe mental problem ie paranoid schizophrenia, that he stopped trying and I am trying to explain that my brain is wired differently and he would not expect a severely autistic person to change? I look normal, that is the problem But it is quite evident that I do not act normal, for he is always complaining that I do not take a joke or has to quickly say: that is a rhetorical question and so forth.

I think I will send him a link about female aspergers and go from there. Because annoyingly, despite giving me an impression of one thing, I find he has done a bit of research and came back with nothing, because he was looking at children with aspergers!

Hi Suzanne. Thank you. I too dislike the notion that if only we 'tried harder' - that is the pressure I have been putting myself under for years. There is a big difference between giving up and accepting limitations. I think there might eventually be some peace to be found in the latter...

 

[CloudRomy]

About not taking a joke, Suzanne: I am the same way. I understand humor most of the time if it is presented in the format of say, a comedy television show or a movie, but when I deal directly with people and they try to joke with me (or especially when they use sarcasm), I do not get it or even realize they are trying to be funny. I do not read subtle facial movements or hear subtle voice changes. Many times in these situations I end up getting offended and become defensive over what a person says as I believe it is targeted against me when, really, they claim, "it is just a joke."

Absolutely, I really have difficulty with the phrase 'it is just a joke'.

 

[royinpink]

Ever found yourself saying "I'm sorry..." to no one? Apologising in your head for mistakes made days, years, ago. Reenacting the moment and the "sorry" leaking out.

Yes, I have that exact thing. It is painful.

 

[JDartistic]

I guess it comes down to acceptance but I seem to be stuck in an Asperger's related process of grief, specifically grief of not knowing about my Asperger's earlier in life. I keep having dreams where situations and people in my past are being flashed through my mind. It is as though my mind at night is sifting through my past and when I'm awake I realise how I would have handled things differently, could have used the knowledge to help or been easier on myself. It is pulling me down a lot. Have others experienced this? I want to be able to put this to rest and accept that I didn't know and make a new life with my new understanding.

It's been 2 years now since my diagnosis & it gets easier. Now when I self-regret, I self-talk my way into self-compassion & even forgiveness. You have to understand that it really wasn't your fault & that you functioned the best you could have at the time.

It's important to let the process of reviewing your past happen bc it's part of understanding who you are now as an Aspie. You do need to see how it effected your life, even in those bad times. We all have them. Once you put your past behind you, you'll start to see the future in a brighter light.

I think this is something we have all experienced once we get the diagnosis. It's hard to accept. I was 50 when I was told, so I had a lot of memories to go through! But once I did, I just made sure I didn't keep lamenting it. Self-talk is the key - say to yourself, 'Yeah, that was bad but let it go. It's not useful to self-loathe' - something like that.