I recognise this at least to some degree - it can take really some time to be able to locate and vocalise what's going on.
I found this quote earlier:
"When your feelings are under-responded to as a child (CEN), you grow up pushing away, questioning, or numbing out your own emotions."
I wonder if because as children many of us were not quite the norm, we as a group, had less acceptance of feelings by others - perhaps less acceptance in general and that as a result all this avoidance whether conscious or not, we learnt that to be OK we needed not to express or recognise feelings and to somehow lose ourselves. I'm sure that some of the difficulty I find in connecting to others comes from this - that being out of touch with emotions renders it difficult to form a close connected relationship with another person.
I think you are spot on, Ocarina.
I recently read about CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) via
https://drjonicewebb.com/about-emotional-neglect/
and I must say that as much as ASD struck a nerve, so did CEN.
Children require emotional support and nurturing to develop healthy responses and their ability to identify and understand and ultimately handle their emotions and responses as functioning adults.
"Children who are emotionally neglected then grow up to have a particular set of struggles. Because their emotions were not validated as children, they may have difficulty knowing and trusting their own emotions as adults. They may have difficulty understanding their own feelings, as well as others’. Because an important part of themselves (their emotional self) has been denied, they may find themselves feeling disconnected, unfulfilled or empty. They may have difficulty trusting or relying upon others. Many describe feeling that they are different from other people; like something is wrong with them, but they’re not sure what it is."
How similar the outcome from CEN and ASD? Children without the added 'complication' of ASD who experience CEN also grow up emotional detached and unable to identify, understand and respond appropriately to their emotions as adults, which leads to troubled relationships.
What about kids with ASD who already feel alienated?
We do not (typically) exhibit an excess of emotions or initiate physical contact. Many are adverse to hugs or the more typical displays of affection. Parents may not know how to show their ASD child affection that their child can interpret and understand as affection and emotional support, and ASD kids don't know what they are 'supposed' to do, as they look for cues and patterns of 'correct' behaviour. There is a disconnect between parent and child.
The lack of emotional support during childhood had an enormously detrimental affect on me. I did not receive adequate knowledge about emotions. Emotions were not identified so I did not know what I was feeling. Any emotions I did express were not validated.
I believe my ASD wanted me to fit in and not cause issues in the family. I was also prone to taking the first instruction as to apply to all subsequent situations. In effect, this meant if one emotional response was not validated, I would expect all subsequent emotions of that nature to also be ignored. And they were, which only further confirmed my interpretation.
It is incredibly painful as a child to feel that you do not fit in or understand the world around you and to feel like an outsider in your own family where you are supposed to feel accepted and safe. When you already feel the world is confusing and you feel out of place and out of step, trying to connect with family members for reassurance only to be ignored or dismissed by them also... no wonder we cut off all attempts to identify emotions and 'feel', choosing numbness instead, presenting an unemotional mask to the world - which includes to those who we should be safe to be ourselves and be vulnerable.
Upon reading more about C.E.N it seems we can reverse the blockage but not the damage. Essentially we become our own parents. We go back to our childhood and identify the incidents that hold pain and we tell that child what should have been said and done by a supportive parent at the time. Re-wiring our emotional memory and in turn validating our emotional response at the time.
"Awareness" is also paramount in accessing our emotions.
All emotional responses we have are valid.
Anger, confusion, pride, excitement, sorrow... no one can dictate how or when or why we
should feel a particular emotion. We must give ourselves permission to simply feel. Once we are used to noticing when we feel an emotion, the next stage is to see if we can identify what that emotion is. Always remembering that there is
no such thing as a correct emotion. The one you are feeling is correct. Asking ourselves what triggered us to feel that particular emotion is the self-analysis stage. If you are stuck, talk to a trusted source for guidance. Talking through our emotions is what we were deprived of.
Not being able to identify an emotion and not being provided with guidance on how to do so contributed to stunting our emotional development. No wonder ASD are often referred to as 'Spok' or 'cold' or 'emotionless'. We have them...oh we have them, sometimes all at once... but are often unable to identify and express them safely.
I think Emotional Neglect is also lack of support of individuality.
Society simply wants everyone to fit in. More so when you stand out.
When you do not feel your choices are supported, that also causes one to shut off and turn inward, further isolating, alienating, and exacerbating the situation. Until society embraces individuality, we are fighting more than an internal battle.
If you already feel alone and then your experiences teach you that feeling is correct, how do you overcome that? I guess it boils down to support.
