Anyone get overwhelmed and lost in a conversation?

[Greg]

When I am in a conversation I tend to get lost quickly. If there are questions I get a huge amount of anxiety when it is going on. The questions are coming at me so fast and I get overwhelmed. The other day in a job interview I did horrible when I didn't know some questions. I actually felt bad about myself. Even in it I kind of went into a defensive mood which was totally not good. When I am talking to my wife I misinterpret 90% of what she says and get defensive. Currently I email my thoughts and that seems to work well. Anyone else suffer from this and what do you do to help?

 

[The Penguin]

I tend to get lost for most conversation since most people talk about trends, gossip and current events which I don't follow.

 

[Tom]

This is my approach. Not sure any of it will apply, but here it is:

Basically inside your head you refuse to jump to conclusions and go the emotional response route. Just refuse, and remain calm and think about it as logically as you can. There are actually very few times a emotional response (anger, offense, etc) is called for. Generally you will recognize those times when they happen, and if not oh well. This approach is somewhat robotic, but you can work on making it seem less so to the people you interact with. The goal is for them to find you unusally reasonable and calm. Its kind of a role I assume to handle stressfull things. Otherwise my thoughts and feelings are bouncing all over the place. Not perfect but better then the alternative which is over-reaction and negative thoughts and mood. I can usually sort it out better in time anyway when I have had a chance to mull it over for a while. In something like an interview just accept a bad answer (or no answer) to a question as a loss and forget it. Then focus on the new one. I know this is hard. If you are like me the failure kind of freaks me out and my brain wants to dwell on it for the next 7 days... Don't let it. Not during the interactions. Cover it with honesty. "I don't know the answer to that one" or "I haven't really considered it." I think that's a better thing then trying to wing it and risk looking foolish with obvious BS.

 

[Judge]

Let's just say I hate the dynamic of being in a conversation that for whatever reason or circumstances makes me feel self-conscious. So much so that I can only focus on how I'm coming across to that person, while losing track of what they were saying in the first place. Followed naturally by losing track of what I'm saying.

Used to happen to me especially when I was unexpectedly approached by a stranger...regardless of the content of whatever it was they wanted or needed to say to me. This really upset me for a very long time. For whatever reason, it seldom happens to me now.

 

[King_Oni]

That's why I tend to start almost all conversations and steer to subjects I care about. I have no interest in topics I don't care about and I will make it perfectly clear at some point to either get to the point where it's of any interest for me to have a conversation or I will either tell you to shut up or just walk out.

However, I think the topics and my interests aren't that narrow... granted, they might not be mainstream, but still, plenty of stuff to talk about. But yeah... if it's not something I have an interest in I have no idea what someone is talking about nor do I have any interest to occupy any part of my mind with something I perceive as mundane (since otherwise I would've had an interest in it at some point)

 

[Kari Suttle]

Yes this has happened to me before, usually at home with my mom or at work. I'll usually be blunt about it and simply say right out that i only got the first half of what they said, with my mom or the mother of the kids i babysit. At work i try to just echo back what i did understand, as a question, to ask if i heard them right. The one time i was overloaded and a supervisor tried to say something to me i didn't get a single word she said and ended up staring at her, completely lost, and i didn't get it even after she repeated herself. That was embarrassing. Fortunately she's one of my two favorite supervisors so there was no harm done, really.

 

[SameStars]

Sometimes, yes. I will over-analyze or my mind will go blank, and I need to ask what the question was again. It gets awkward.

 

[clg114]

Most Aspies have unusual interests and tend to take things very literally. This does not help in conversations with most people. For me, when someone says something to me, I take what they said literally and quite often that's not what was meant at all. Not very many people have the technical interests that I do and I am not interested in what most people talk about. This all leads to awkward conversations. However, I do seem to be getting a little better with conversations as I get older. I guess I'm just a old nerd.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

When I am in a conversation I tend to get lost quickly. If there are questions I get a huge amount of anxiety when it is going on. The questions are coming at me so fast and I get overwhelmed. The other day in a job interview I did horrible when I didn't know some questions. I actually felt bad about myself. Even in it I kind of went into a defensive mood which was totally not good. When I am talking to my wife I misinterpret 90% of what she says and get defensive. Currently I email my thoughts and that seems to work well. Anyone else suffer from this and what do you do to help?

I gave myself permission to say, "I don't know. The way I'd start thinking about that is..." If it's a fact that I don't know, I gave myself permission to say, "I'll have to check. I think the <put a name or resource here> knows that, I'd have to look it up."

Bad interviewers are everywhere. Not everyone knows that an interview is supposed to help the candidate tell a story. If an interview feels like an interrogation, it's likely that at least one of the following is true:

• The interviewer is inexperienced, ignorant of interviewing as a skill, and/or scared himself.
• The interviewer has a social disability of their own, or isn't good with words.
• The interviewer doesn't want to interview, but do something else, and/or is unprepared for the interview and overcompensating by bluffing with a tough exterior.

Then there's what you and I bring to the table: we're proud of our achievements, and defensive about our failures, and hoping to control the outcome because we want a certain outcome. These things have helped me cope:

• Rehearsing the questions about things I'm fearful or defensive about. This works because my attitude about a past experience is what's in the room with me, not the outcome of the experience. The employer is interested in how I recover from failure, not in hearing that I've never failed.
• I write or draw on paper when I'm answering, so I don't have to stare or stim. Quick glances establish eye contact but I get the interviewer to "be on the same page"--literally.
• I accept that can't control the outcome, no matter how much I want it. I can't control what someone thinks of me. I can only ask myself, "Did I do the best I knew how?"
• I use the follow-up handwritten card or the email--whichever seems to match the interviewer--and describe my understanding of the conversation. This lets me emphasize the usefulness and it works especially well when the interview doesn't go well: the person is more likely to remember that I wasn't what they were looking for then, and a year later, someone else from the company has picked me out of the candidate list because I was remembered positively. The last impression is stronger than the first impression, over time.

 

[Warmheart]

Chronic confuzzlement in conversation? That's me! Remaining calm helps, asking to repeat helps, and so does a sense of humor. I mean, how serious can I be when the train ticket agent suggests "Try cramming the Romulan suppositories into the next Chupacabra, which should be along presently."
"Will do, thanks!"


With someone who I converse regularly with, I admit I struggle hard, and ask for clarity when needed. Since my auditory processing flub-ups won't go away, I choose to enjoy the humor in this.

Anyone seen my Romulan suppositories?

 

[Robby]

Yes all the time unless it's one of my obsessive topics, I tend to have a low tolerance for prolonged conversations I get really bored or restless & just want to flee the situation and clear my head. Or if someone's voice is annoying that triggers me too.

 

[Progster]

Questions aren't so bad if they are short, not too detailed and the person gives me plenty of time to respond. What overwhelms me is when I'm having a one-to-one question, and the person is giving me a lot of information, expecting me to absorb it and respond to them. Like Robby, I feel a mental pressure, followed by sudden anxiety and a need to leave quickly, for it to stop. If I'm in a group conversation, I can just swich switch off, but not one-to-one.

 

[Naturalist]

I was just explaining to a co-worker who thought it odd that I always want another colleague--a third party--to be in on a conversation, and I explained that I often don't realize immediately when I have lost the thread of a conversation, so I like to increase my odds by having two people who can fill me in on the details I have missed, from multiple angles. (This is why I prefer to use email, too--it is easier to retrace the progression of thoughts.) The co-worker seemed satisfied with that explanation.

I don't think there is anything wrong with explaining that you have a difficult time with spoken conversation. Plenty of people aren't auditory learners, and if the person doing the interview feels that they have options for effective communication with you beyond the spoken word, such as email or written memos, they might still consider you as a candidate. I also like the suggestion above, of a follow-up note.

 

[epath13]

I have to be prepared to a conversation. If I'm not prepared I get lost and usually reply something generic. Thankfully I have enough experience and I have pictured enough conversations in my mind, participation in an actual conversation of any kind as not as stressful any more.

 

[SusAssasins]

When I am in a conversation I tend to get lost quickly. If there are questions I get a huge amount of anxiety when it is going on. The questions are coming at me so fast and I get overwhelmed. The other day in a job interview I did horrible when I didn't know some questions. I actually felt bad about myself. Even in it I kind of went into a defensive mood which was totally not good. When I am talking to my wife I misinterpret 90% of what she says and get defensive. Currently I email my thoughts and that seems to work well. Anyone else suffer from this and what do you do to help?

Hi Greg, I think it's normal that an Aspie gets lost in a conversation quickly, and misinterpret what other people tell them, most of the time this happen to me; I can't have a real conversation with people because I think they speak faster that they should, I usually need more time to answer a question that just a few seconds, and others more seconds or even a minute to understand what they tell me, I mean to analyze what they tell me and don't misinterpret o misunderstood what they just say to me. Usually when I have a conversation, I have a short one but not much, so I don't get confused with what they just said asking more about what they just said to me at the conversation, trying that the subject don't change, or even try a quick pause; say that you were trying to remember something, anything; an event, something at a place, lost the wallet, phone, etc., even if not.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Only if I'm in a conversation with more than one person. They start talking to each other and getting off track, and I can't get a word in. But if it's just me and one other person, I'm fine.

 

[zurb]

Dogs are fairly astute when it comes to conversation. Maybe we can learn from them.

Spoiler

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I'll usually listen to someone and then I'll have a question while they're still talking and I try to keep listening, but the question I want to ask I must get answered (it usually needs to be answered so I understand what they are talking about) so I end up not listening to anything else until the question is answered. Then when I have too much anxiety I can't focus on what other people are saying because my problems and what I have to do are continuously going around in my head. It happened tonight - Ma was telling about all these sad stories on the news and I just kept saying "uh huh". She actually said "Angie, where is your empathy?" I was thinking 'oh boy, I'm spending too much time on the Aspie website'. I actually was trying to defend myself for not having any empathy. I just can't focus on stuff when I'm anxious and stressed that isn't directly affecting me. Am I a weird NT?

 

[Adora]

It's hard for me when there is a lot of people talking I sometimes zone out and is really quiet unless it's a topic I'm interested in,but I once got in trouble with my husband one time when we went to this bbq and I was very quiet for the majority of the day,my husband thought I was being rude it's not that I mean to it's just hard to talk unless I can relate to the topic.

 

[Harrison]

Like a few others, I can get lost if I am engaged in conversation and there are too many people talking around me. However, if I am not part of the conversation, and I am only listening, I can follow most of the 'threads' happening around me.