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Any great social skills resources?

Poppy98

Active Member
I've searched the internet but it seems like each skill requires 10's of hours of research. The best answers are generally directly from people, not the internet but noone who is interested knows much about it (so far).


Free resources are the only ones I can use right now, but you can include others for the future and for the benefit of other members.

I live in a very high- conflict situation.
 
Two classics for conflict management are Crucial Conversations (Greeney & others), and Nonviolent Communication (Rosenberg). Most libraries have both, or can inter-library loan them. They aren't going to solve every problem... some situations are endemic. But I've found these to be helpful taking the sharp edge off situations.
 
how far through your list of questions do you feel that you've gotten?
Don't have a list of questions that I know of, but I spend many hours a week practicing reading microexpressions, analyzing body language, and learning about verbal cues to keep my skills up.
 
Don't have a list of questions that I know of, but I spend many hours a week practicing reading microexpressions, analyzing body language, and learning about verbal cues to keep my skills up.
Do you feel like you'll ever be close- enough to passing to stop researching new aspects/ topics? (Asking as a glimpse into the future for myself.)
 
I've searched the internet but it seems like each skill requires 10's of hours of research. The best answers are generally directly from people, not the internet but noone who is interested knows much about it (so far).


Free resources are the only ones I can use right now, but you can include others for the future and for the benefit of other members.

I live in a very high- conflict situation.
I am probably the last person to ask about social skills. Trying to teach me social skills is like trying to teach a blind person to read the printed word. As soon as I think I have a handle on something, society changes, and what I had becomes useless. Years ago, I took up ballroom dancing as an attempt to learn social skills. I didn't learn any social skills, but I did get a lot of trophies. And since I am unable to ask a woman to dance, having the dance skills is sort of useless.

Despite years of searching, I know of no place that can actually teach social skills.
 
I've searched the internet but it seems like each skill requires 10's of hours of research. The best answers are generally directly from people, not the internet but noone who is interested knows much about it (so far).

Only 10's of hours of research? If you want to learn something right, it will take at least that amount of time and most likely much longer. Anything less is nothing more than a "quick fix" that won't address the real problem.

The best social skills resource I've found is books on emotional intelligence. Despite taking longer initially, addressing the cause of social skills deficits is easier and works better than trying to learn or mimic correct responses to specific social situations.
 
Only 10's of hours of research? If you want to learn something right, it will take at least that amount of time and most likely much longer. Anything less is nothing more than a "qu

"quick fix" that won't address the real problem.
I was defining it pretty narrowly and also not really trying to be overly specific with the numbers.

For example I was talking about the realization that: as much as possible, I should try to discern the person's goal rather than just literally answering every question put to me, especially with cruel people. (Although technically someone else pointed this out, so I can't say I found it independently.)

I didn't mean "dealing with conflicts with friends, family, enemies, and every possible dynamic-- spatial or spoken-- innocent or criminal" as one skill. Idek if I'll ever get there fully.

Idek if I should stop putting my life on hold while I try to figure this out. I struggle at balancing multiple things.


The best social skills resource I've found is books on emotional intelligence. Despite taking longer initially, addressing the cause of social skills deficits is easier and works better than trying to learn or mimic correct responses to specific social situations.
Sounds like it's worth a try.

I did find that learning about boundaries, I've solved about 30% of my social situations because it helped me clarify and justify what is and isn't okay. Even if someone else isn't willing to be respectful and can pretty well communicate what I'm asking.
So i could imagine that some other topics that don't seem immediately obvious could also help.

I thought with autism, though social skills deficits usually are just a lack of knowledge. I guess learning about emotional intelligence still helps though?


Summary: cool, thank you!
 
I was defining it pretty narrowly and also not really trying to be overly specific with the numbers.

For example I was talking about the realization that: as much as possible, I should try to discern the person's goal rather than just literally answering every question put to me, especially with cruel people. (Although technically someone else pointed this out, so I can't say I found it independently.)

I didn't mean "dealing with conflicts with friends, family, enemies, and every possible dynamic-- spatial or spoken-- innocent or criminal" as one skill. Idek if I'll ever get there fully.

Idek if I should stop putting my life on hold while I try to figure this out. I struggle at balancing multiple things.
I think the ability to discern the goal of conversations primarily comes from emotional understanding and experience. Neurotypicals where I live seem to spend around 2-3 hours a day socializing, which is about 1000 hours a year. Most autistic individuals I've met, myself included, spend far less time socializing. That lack of experience is going to make things more difficult. On top of that, emotions play a major role and autistic individuals often experience atypical emotions, which makes things even more difficult.

Sounds like it's worth a try.

I did find that learning about boundaries, I've solved about 30% of my social situations because it helped me clarify and justify what is and isn't okay. Even if someone else isn't willing to be respectful and can pretty well communicate what I'm asking.
So i could imagine that some other topics that don't seem immediately obvious could also help.

I thought with autism, though social skills deficits usually are just a lack of knowledge. I guess learning about emotional intelligence still helps though?


Summary: cool, thank you!
I recommend reading at least one book on emotional intelligence. You can probably get a book for free right now by going to Amazon, searching for "emotional intelligence", and then clicking "Sort by: Price: Low to High" in the top right of the search results. Every time I checked so far during the past year, there was an electronic version (Kindle Edition) of one of these books for free that you can read on any computer, phone, or tablet.

The books available for free are temporary 100% discount sales so they change over time. I checked right now and just ordered the Kindle Edition of "Emotional Intelligence 2.0 for Real Life: How to understand emotions, influence people" for free. Instead of clicking on Read for Free (which requires a paid Kindle Unlimited subscription), you'll want to click on Buy Now if you see it on sale for a 100% discount. I noticed it was just published 3 days ago so the author might be offering it for free temporarily in the hope of getting good reviews.
 
I think the only trustworthy source would be to get a therapist who specialize in behavior therapy. Reading alone won't do much.
 
And yes, possibly those years I spent people watching as I sipped my coffee for several years in a mall during off ( slow)hours . Did not make me anykind of great at this stuff . But by not having to engage people , while they go through their shopping rituals at the mall . Helped alot . Then would practice in front of a mirror . And practicing my timing at ,when to smile . When engaging people . And when not to. Learned little habits , like always smiling alittle whenever you walk through a doorway in public, no matter how you really feel. Manners and always try to ask about the other persons day . Early in a convo.
Its really hard to overcome your natural instincts, To expect respect from others,you do not know . Be the first to plant seeds of respect, And think to try to help the next person have a better day.( but do not be naive) please. Even if you have to practice your speaking in front of a mirror. Be clear and concise . When talking to anyone . If you do not get at least a neutral reaction, then do not push,it. Go to business only mode. These are just my experiences . Can be tough ,but if eye contact ,is a issue .Look only at foreheads .
Try to maybe realize,you can always . Say CYA later. And end the convo. And note social phenomina , Often NTs at the end of a phone call, will make a tiny sound of approval,if phone call went well . " Hmm" very subtle sound.almost low frequency.( Just my experiences after many years down the road. )
 
but I spend many hours a week practicing reading microexpressions, analyzing body language, and learning about verbal cues to keep my skills up.
Do you find that your skills decline if you do not continuously rehearse them, or is all of the study because you are adding new material?
 
Nonviolent Communication (Rosenberg)
I have not yet been able to get ahold of the book, but I've been doing a little reading about it online and it does look like it might have a lot of good specific tips on communication scripts.


I know that I've heard that some conflict management strategies only work with people who are being genuine/nonmalicious. Since this is focused on conflict situations, though, maybe this is broader? Do you have any feel for how widely applicable some of these techniques are? Have you ever seen them fail or do people who manipulate end up fitting into it as well?
 
This is what happens when you think you are learning something but not really. either way I read his book years ago evn saw first hand this effect. Do not fall into this trap you will fool no one.


 
Look up Jefferson Fisher’s videos. He has a lot of great shorts on how to handle/de-escalate conflict situations.
 
This is what happens when you think you are learning something but not really. either way I read his book years ago evn saw first hand this effect. Do not fall into this trap you will fool no one.



Video summary: memorization and application of concepts are not synonymous. The latter should be emphasized more in education.
My counter point: while application is important, there is a reason that advances in a field take a while even without the need for data collection: application can take time even for those at the top of their field. (Don't abandon it, just know that it takes work.)






Post
Your concern is that autistic people/maybe even average people can't/don't tend to understand the underlying social principles and therefore can't apply the rules well. Am I on the right track?


Tangent of a prior conversation:
I watched until the ten minute mark because the point is one that I had made in my senior year of high school about the science classes.
They told me the level of work I was talking about wanting to see in the coursework was more along the lines of graduate work (explanation added for the youngsters on the site: so not normal college, 5 or so years post-high-school instead).

My counter-point was that I had babysat 8-year-olds with plenty of ability to problem- solve and once you hone the ability to problem- solve, you are better able to help teach yourself to learn, teach yourself to design etc. Collaboration and exposure to the field's existing knowledge (aka traditional education is still expedient), but it's much better with a strong foundation in analytical thinking.
Analytical thinking about social situations, about how to learn efficiently, financial management, etc.


Back to the main point: is your advice that I should seek to identify the underlying principles?
 

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