Am l cold and heartless?

[JayLapointe]

If this next part is going too far, edit me. I'll understand.... I haven't ever "failed" per se, regarding physical areas of a romantic relationship. I've actually felt like it was all that I got correct, in hindsight. Again, no arrogance or over-confidence or bro-dude-pride going on in my head at all about this. I honestly feel ashamed mostly because I'd rather that I got the mental aspects well done, rather than the physical acts. I think that I was "used" to degrees over this area of ability, even. That brings more shame because I didn't recognize or realize it until after the fact. Anyway, all of mentioning this is to preface that...okay...I do the act well. No complaints. But...in that / those moments it gets to be like how I can handle being social in any other way - I am hyper-focused on what I'm doing (for lack of better phrasing...the "job" if you will) and when it is done, everything floods in per mental and physical feelings like I just got back from an out of body experience (almost...kind of weird to fully explain). It seems that I dissociate a little in those instances, even though what I do is...well done...nothing weird or anything...never wrong or harmful, etc. It's just extremely weird because I will still feel a pinch of pride for accomplishment to the pleasure of the woman, but I just as instantly feel like I don't belong there or in the moment at all and maybe because in whatever way, I wasn't...??? In such times, I do question if I'm basically just like a robot or something. In such times, I do question if I need or want any of it at all, or am I just constantly trying to match societal norms that are pressed upon us by / from so many different mediums - from our parents to what they teach on sex in schools to what we see in every form of media, now..?

@Dagan in many ways this was similar for me. I will add a caveat here that I am not going to be explicit but frank in what I have to say about physical intimacy. ADMIN, if it goes to far please delete and accept my apologies.

While I never had more than a handful of serious relationships I, and this isn't gloating, I've had more partners than I can actually remember at this point. Prior to adult diagnosis I spent my 20's self medicating with alcohol. And like other 20 year olds in university I thought that I had to pick up, even if I wasn't in a relationship. After university I worked in bars for several years and among bar staff it felt the expectations were even higher. Promiscuity it seems was part of that culture.

While I can almost never with confidence approach a woman sober, when I was drunk and masking I was able to pick up almost without trying. But I didn't even know I was masking, it was just this sort of persona that grew from the alcohol. A real Mr Hyde like scenario. It was weird, it felt like the drunker I got the more successful I was. But, I never really enjoyed the sex. A couple were fun sure, but for the most part it was just effort. Like I honestly would get bored during sex and just stop. Heck I learned to fake it as a man just so they wouldn't feel bad. Now I realize a lot of it has to do with being touch averse.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I sometimes sort of dream of having a wife, that we could just chill out without much emotional or activity demands, that we could enjoy the company, etc, but not expecting much. I don't know if that even exists.

Pretty much sound like my late wife and I.