Am I weird?

[Grumpy Cat]

I took a test online that said I was about 70% positive for having Asperger's. I'm pretty much self-diagnosing myself, but I figure if you have most of the symptoms why do you need to be officially tested? From what I've been reading and knowing how I act, I can pretty much tell that I probably have Asperger's and will most likely never get married. I have never had a relationship longer than two dates, I prefer my own company, I never use people's names unless I know them really well, I don't show empathy and I certainly don't give sympathy, I definitely have my own space that can't be invaded, I'm not a "touchy-feely" person, I don't like hugs and definitely don't like my feet touched (never had a pedicure), and most may find this strange, but I have never said "I love you" to anyone (family never said it). Some may call me a "cold fish", but with my small group of family and friends I am extremely loyal. Maybe I would fit in great with an Italian Mob family. Hmm. One thing where I am different from the stereotypical Aspie (from what I've read) is that I have a high self esteem. Do other Aspie's here have high self esteems too? Do you all have some of the same traits that I listed above, or am I just weird?

 

[Judge]

Yep, the high self esteem doesn't ring for me....but then neither does an inability to understand irony. Sometimes I get confused with processing both empathy and sarcasm.

I've been called "Ice Man" a few times myself. Had a few relationships, but none of them lasted. I just wish I had known of my own neurological condition back then, and had the chance to adjust accordingly. When I need my alone time I absolutely must have my solitude. Something my girlfriends didn't seem to understand. And clearly I didn't either. Of course there's no guarantee it would have mattered, either.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Judge (is that your real name?), I really can't tell at all from your posts that you have lo self esteem. You sound like a very positive person (certainly not Ice Man). Why did your relationships not last long? I think everyone needs their own space - I think that is a main reason for divorce - people need time by themselves for their own hobbies and interests. Another thing that bothers me about myself is that I put out this "personna" (I guess that's the word) that I don't need anyone. That couldn't be further from the truth, but I'm not going to let anyone else know that cause I see it as a weakness (I don't think I'll ever be able to change my way of thinking about that). Thing is, when someone does help me, I am extremely gracious and would actually do anything for them FOREVER. That's how much it means to me when someone goes out of their way to help me. I guess it's because I know they really care about me. I don't like fake people or fake friends or people who aren't loyal.

 

[Ereth]

Honey, you're not weird, and there's nothing wrong with you. And all people with autism are different. Even two people with the same diagnosis on paper will have different quirks, stims, fears, etc.

Just so you know, there are certain benefits to being officially diagnosed, so keep it in mind.

 

[Judge]

Judge (is that your real name?), I really can't tell at all from your posts that you have lo self esteem. You sound like a very positive person (certainly not Ice Man). Why did your relationships not last long? I think everyone needs their own space - I think that is a main reason for divorce - people need time by themselves for their own hobbies and interests. Another thing that bothers me about myself is that I put out this "personna" (I guess that's the word) that I don't need anyone. That couldn't be further from the truth, but I'm not going to let anyone else know that cause I see it as a weakness (I don't think I'll ever be able to change my way of thinking about that). Thing is, when someone does help me, I am extremely gracious and would actually do anything for them FOREVER. That's how much it means to me when someone goes out of their way to help me. I guess it's because I know they really care about me. I don't like fake people or fake friends or people who aren't loyal.

Well, "Judge" is an actual nickname that I was given when I was a child. No one has called me by that name since the mid 1960s. I use it here because it was given to me for my over-serious demeanor when I was around five years old. When I paced back and forth with a scowl...and my hands always in my pockets. Too bad someone didn't say at the time, "Hey- the little guy is stimming!" Which was exactly what I was doing...just didn't have a clue as to the what or why. Instead adults just laughed and said I looked as sober as a judge.

On an Internet forum I am capable of projecting myself quite differently than in person. As I posted here in another thread, I sometimes wonder that my formal education would have gone south in a hurry had I been subjected to a "Socratic" style of having to put my thoughts to speech rather than to text. But then quite often to Neurotypicals online I've been labeled as being "verbose" and "pompous". Well...lol.....I can get pretty long-winded. Guilty as charged. I do far better on paper than face-to-face...although over the years I've learned to fake some behaviors...enough to feign a certain degree of confidence quite honestly I never really had.

Oh yes...I project a similar personna as do you. But it's apt to be misinterpreted. I don't need a great deal of people around me. Don't want them in large numbers. But in small numbers they do quite nicely. Unfortunately my small orbit of needed people has diminished down to nearly no one at all. Loneliness haunts me at times like depression. Except that at times I relish solitude...as an absolute requirement as much as I occasionally need people. Something all my female Neurotypical partners didn't seem to understand. A frustrating dynamic of polar opposites in terms of human behavior. But I also sense a similar frustration in many Aspies here. Almost a maddening "love-hate" relationship with people in general...

 

[Aspieistj]

I believe I have AS but I can't afford a professional diagnosis. I am almost 70 and finally realized the reason I have always been so odd is because I really fit all the online self-diagnosis tests. I made this discovery in my early 60s. My son has a friend who is a Psychologist and I asked my son to ask his friend how much it would cost to get a professional diagnosis. His response was that it would be quite expensive and that the online self-tests were quite accurate. So--while lacking a professional diagnosis, I am an Aspie. And--there is no way I tick all the boxes of Aspiness. I doubt any of us are 100% positive on any personality test. AS isn't something you can grow in a Petrie dish. If the online test rings true for you, then accept it. If you can afford a professional diagnosis, by all means get one. However, if you read all the posts here and can "see" yourself in a lot of what is said, accept you self diagnosis.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Well, "Judge" is an actual nickname that I was given when I was a child. No one has called me by that name since the mid 1960s. I use it here because it was given to me for my over-serious demeanor when I was around five years old. When I paced back and forth with a scowl...and my hands always in my pockets. Too bad someone didn't say at the time, "Hey- the little guy is stimming!" Which was exactly what I was doing...just didn't have a clue as to the what or why. Instead adults just laughed and said I looked as sober as a judge.

On an Internet forum I am capable of projecting myself quite differently than in person. As I posted here in another thread, I sometimes wonder that my formal education would have gone south in a hurry had I been subjected to a "Socratic" style of having to put my thoughts to speech rather than to text. But then quite often to Neurotypicals online I've been labeled as being "verbose" and "pompous". Well...lol.....I can get pretty long-winded. Guilty as charged. I do far better on paper than face-to-face...although over the years I've learned to fake some behaviors...enough to feign a certain degree of confidence quite honestly I never really had.

Oh yes...I project a similar personna as do you. But it's apt to be misinterpreted. I don't need a great deal of people around me. Don't want them in large numbers. But in small numbers they do quite nicely. Unfortunately my small orbit of needed people has diminished down to nearly no one at all. Loneliness haunts me at times like depression. Except that at times I relish solitude...as an absolute requirement as much as I occasionally need people. Something all my female Neurotypical partners didn't seem to understand. A frustrating dynamic of polar opposites in terms of human behavior. But I also sense a similar frustration in many Aspies here. Almost a maddening "love-hate" relationship with people in general...

It seems that us Aspies tend to go in "extremes" when it comes to relating to and having friendships or various types of relationships with people. (The word "extremes" means as compared to other people). Some of us can be extremely clingy, some of us can be very distant. Or the same person can be both at different times or in regards to different people.
When I was younger, I was fairly friendly. Now I avoid almost everyone. However, I am extremely warm when with someone I am close to and trust. (Currently, this consists of my best friend. There used to be a family I was close to, but they moved.)
I used to be obsessively clingy with the person who is now my best friend, but who back then was trying to avoid me. (Didn't go over well). Then I realized that for his sake, I had to force myself to give him space. Now he has realized he does care for me, and we have a warm loving friendship.
But when it comes to most other people, I'd rather be by myself.
So, as I said, I think us Aspies tend to go in "extremes", often either bordering on stalking, or keeping an extreme distance.

 

[Judge]

Now I avoid almost everyone. However, I am extremely warm when with someone I am close to and trust.

I get that. And yet it's so hard to explain. It simply is what it is. Not that we aren't social beings. It's just that we socialize on a different level and on different amplitudes. However when as much as 98% of the population offer partial or complete contrast to this, we either feel or are made to feel "weird" about it.

Probably why I always had a subconscious understanding with people who seemed "different" in some way. I just didn't know at the time what we had in common.

Sometimes I just want to chuckle and quote Michael Keaton in "Batman". "My life is.......complex."

 

[nowwhat]

My state, in brief as best as I can tick the point off:

married 23 years
few, but long relationships
prefer to be alone
use names, but not comfortable around people I don't know well
have empathy, but have strange difficulty showing it
same with sympathy
have changed to be more touchy. Hugs awkward, but I like them nonetheless (sex and sexual touching, I like)
There are those I love, and I can tell them so, but very very few
Self-esteem very low