Am i aspie because i don't like people ?

[Blubbloup]

Hello,

I've been suffering from mild to severe depression states on regular basis since i was a kid, with self-harm and suicide toughts and attempts since i was about 16. Recently, i had a particulary severe episode where i'd sometimes almost lose consciousnes and fall, have uncontrolled arm movements and a really hard time focusing my toughts and had to be commited to get it under control with antipsychotics medication. At the hospital, the doctor, after seeing for like 3-4 hours in total tought that i had asperger. This was based mainly on the fact that i didn't feel like talking to anyone while i was there. I didn't feel like talking to the patients because most of the where low-educated person with problems i don't wan't to relate to like drug abuse and i didn't feel like talking to the staff because i knew that they pretty much tried it only because they were analysing me. Now, i'm out a seeing a new doctor and after 2-3 sessions, she agrees with him and says that i have only "a little" asperger syndrome but that i'm going to be under medication my whole life and she thinks there's nothing else wrong with me.

Now, i have a problem with this for 3 reasons.
1) I think saying that i have a little asperger because i have some symptoms is pretty stupid. I have also some symptoms of schizophrenia (i stopped talking to my family when i was about 20 for no real reason), that doesn't mean that i have a little schizophrenia. I drink one glass a day, that doesn't make me a little bit alcoholic.
2) Asperger is a pretty serious diagnostic that has to be made in a specialiazed institute by a team, i don't understand how you can say to someone "i've seen you 3 times and i think you're autistic, now live with it"
3) I simply don't think I have it and neither does my girlfriend. I actually tought i might have it a few years ago, but when i dove further into the symptoms i saw that it didn't fit.

Here are the symptoms that i have :
- I don't like people. Most of the people anyway. I like really intelligent people, artistic people, but i just feel that most of humans out there are pretty above average uninteresting ones. They're not passionate about anything, they just do their job, earn money and spend their time going out with their friends, getting drunk and fat. I like scientist, artists, interesting people with an interesting life. I just don't like chit-chatting about the weather and stuff like that. I have a few close friends and a girlfriend (really brillant girl) with which I am really close with.
- I don't like noise, especially high pitched ones. I especially don't like hearing people talk or scream because i don't like to be reminded that they are living close, i just like feeling like i'm really on my own at home. My sensibility to high pitched noises might be cause i'm a musician and might have hurt my hearing a few times.
- I'm pretty clumbsy, i've always been and my handwriting is terrible. But it's not that bad. I'm a pretty good guitar player, i'm good at sports racket sports and i'm pretty agile when it comes to climbing things, running, etc.
- I don't like heavy sun and lights.

On the other hand :
- I don't feel like i have no empathy or trouble reading people's intentions.
- I don't think i have heavy lack of non-verbal expression. I would have to film myself to know for sure i guess, but nobody ever complained about that to me.
- I have a really good imagination. I can write pretty decent stories, write music, etc.
- I don't have a lack of sense of humour, on the contrary. I feel like most of the time i'm telling jokes and have trouble about talking seriously. I don't misunderstand metaphores or anything like that.
- I don't really have any routines. Actually, i get pretty easyly bored of doing the same things, eating the same food, etc.
- I don't have a lack of understanding of the society's rules. I never say things to people that i shouldn't. I sometimes say things that can be taken as an ofense like "Hey, you got pretty old since the last time i saw you" but it's always a joke. I chose to ignore some rules. I don't wan't to chit-chat with every people i meet because it's "normal". If someone doesn't interest me, i'm not going to force myself talking to him.

I also don't have any "super powers". My memory isn't really good, i really suck at maths. I think i have a pretty high IQ, people always have told my that i was really intelligent and had a high writing level but that's all.

My girlfriend aggrees 100% about is. She knows me very well and there's nothing autistic like with me. When i'm with her, i'm a normal person, sociable, etc. I score about 70/200 on the aspie test. We both think that other diagnostics like borderline syndrom or bipolar disorders fit me better.

The thing is, i had a traumatic experience when i was a kid. My parents moved to a new city and both the children and teachers at school were mean to me. Like really mean. I suffered some racism, beat-ups. I'm not the only one, other kid's had a similar experience and a lot of parent tried to get some really bad teachers fired without success. I saw a lot of shrinks when i was a kid because i was really depressed and talked about killing myself. I passed a lot of test and nobody ever saw anything autistic in me. I got only diagnosed with ADD. Since then, i've always been kinda weird. Before that, i was a normal and sociable child, after that, i was always on my guards with other children and felt like they were going to be mean to me. It always went okay after they got to know me and know them, but it always took a long time filled with loneliness. It didn't help that i was a huge geek, into video games and books with horrible giant glasses and a total lack of interest for most things from my age.

This diagnostic really depresses me. First because i think it's wrong and feel like my psychiatrist doesn't understand me at all, but mostly because i think there's something else wrong with me and i'm starting to think that nobody will ever really help me. SInce then, i have been drinking from times to times to help myself to sleep and i've harmed myself again.

Thanks for the ones who would have the patience to read me and please pardon my poor english.

 

[The Penguin]

Sorry to hear about your hardship. I can relate to some of the things you said. I don't like people. I hate going to places in public were their a lot of noise. I prefer talking to intelligent people but they are very hard to find and the ones who haves my interest. I have experience racism at a mild level.

I really hope things gets better for you one day. But based on what I read about you, you seem you may be a cool person I would like to talk to.

 

[wyverary]

I'm not by any means a qualified psychologist. And I've had experience with being given a diagnosis of such-and-such after a team of underpaid PNP's reviewed my files (I don't even know which files they looked at). This sounds like it could possibly be a result of localized seizures, or possibly (as you even mentioned) some sort of psychosis disorder.

There's a growing number of psychologists, and I agree with them, who want to start moving away with the traditional method of "concrete diagnoses," and here I am referring to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, which has been the "bible" of abnormal psychology for decades...I say, who you are is who you are, we all are different, we all have different ways of perceiving the world.

You mention you have seen a psychiatrist...have you seen an actual therapist, or a PhD psychologist/therapist? In my experience, those people are much better at helping people develop the coping skills they need, rather than just throw around buzzwords and toss meds at their patients (nothing against the field of psychiatry, but that sometimes happens). That could prove very helpful to you, if you are struggling, whether those struggles are related to Autism or not.

 

[Chisleu]

You sound A LOT like my husband, and I'm so glad you came here to get the perspective of people actually on the spectrum. The problem with researching autism is that the majority of the information out there is seen from an NTs perspective. It makes us sound diseased and hopelessly disabled when it's simply not the case. I was terrified when my mom suggested that my son might be autistic because, back then, I was given the image that autism and Asperger's were just one step away from Downs Syndrome, which is just absolutely ridiculous.

I think the simplest answer to your question would be for you to read the blogs of other Aspies and see how they relate to your story of growing up. I suggest searching specifically for Asperger's traits in adults as well. Also, when taking the Aspie quiz, answer the questions from the perspective of your pre-puberty self. Those of us on the mild end of the spectrum are perfectly capable of learning social rules by observing those around us that we're simply regarded as strange or the outliers of the social spectrum and the autism goes unnoticed. Now to address your specific concerns...

1) I completely agree with the ridiculousness of being "a little" autistic. You either are or aren't, but the fact is that autism is a BROAD spectrum, so I think the better term would have been "you have a mild case of Asperger's".

2) Asperger's is not a serious diagnosis, in fact it is the least serious of those effected on the spectrum. However it IS true that it should be diagnosed by a specialist on the subject because, unless it's diagnosed prior to being influenced by your environment, it's extremely difficult to recognize the symptoms in an adult. This is because of what I mentioned earlier; we have the ability to adapt and fit into society, but it doesn't mean that we don't still have difficulty in doing so. It takes a specialist to recognize whether or not social interactions are occurring naturally or being preformed out of habit. This being said, you are perfectly capable of diagnosing yourself without the input of a specialist if you do the right research.

3) Both my husband and I felt the same way you do when we first started looking at autism. Looking at resources like what Autism Speaks and WebMD provide won't give you a full understanding of the spectrum, and that's why some things seem to fit and yet others don't. My first bought of research brought me to the stage you're at, and I'll do my best to better explain the misinformation on autism:

The symptoms you recognize:

-Our brains are extremely logical and literal, and so our social habits will reflect that. We simply don't like to waste our time on things that don't matter (i.e. small talk about the weather just to talk about it) because we feel our time is better spent on important issues.

-It's been proven that autistic brains contain more synapses than the NT brain. This is what causes our sensitivity to sound/touch/taste/etc. My husband and I have a sensitivity to "cluttered" noise. For example the chit-chat of hundreds of people at Wal-Mart or our two children having tantrums at the same time. I believe that the sensitivity is exasperated by our distaste for the general public similar to what you express. We are also sensitive to bright white light.

-I'm clumsy as well and probably shouldn't be trusted with a knife or parallel parking of a car. My husband, on the other hand, has such great visual perception that he can gauge the position of any vehicle in it's surrounding space without any practice or forethought. So not all autistics will be clumsy but it certainly is common.

The symptoms you don't concur with:

-It is 100% FALSE that autistics lack empathy. We only appear to lack empathy because we miss the subtle body language that would tell us someone is uncomfortable, OR our logical minds don't care that someone is offended because they need to know the truth whether or not it hurts (another thing I think NTs should aspire to; the world would be a better place if we were all held accountable for our actions instead of tip-toeing around idiots).

-The lack of verbal-expression is what separated the previously separate diagnoses of Asperger's Syndrome and High Functioning Autism. In the US this is no longer a discerning factor. You can have High Functioning Autism with the ability to talk. My husband has no issues with expressing himself verbally. I, on the other hand, can't seem to spit the words out as fast as my brain is processing the sentence, and I get stuck when the gap between the two gets too large. This usually only occurs when I'm speaking about something I'm passionate about. In all other cases I can usually be understood without difficulty.

-With more research being done on how Autism presents itself in women, they're starting to learn that the extent of imagination is also going to be susceptible to the spectrum. I wrote my own fiction novel in high-school as my special interest, but it all revolved around my already lived personal experiences. I'm able to read fiction, but I'm no good at fabricating completely fictional stories. My husband is able to imagine already lived situations as well (i.e. pretending with our boys that the kitchen chairs are a car or that a make-shift fort is a cave because we know what a car and a cave look like). He doesn't like to read fiction though. He can't picture a fictional character's face, and so loses track of characters and their roles in a written story.

-The lack of humor is going to be something you'll want to assess from your younger years. Again, this has to do with our logical brains. When I was in elementary school I was the last to get a joke, but once I learned more about stereotypes and idiosyncrasies I could laugh at all of those jokes. I think most autistic humor has to do with how illogical society can be. George Carlin and Louis C.K. are my and my hubby's favorites. I also have the appearance of a strange sense of humor because for the longest time the only way I knew how to show someone I was paying attention and agreed with them was to giggle a little. I've always been able to understand metaphors as well, but I think that's because I'm well read and well educated, not that I understand them naturally.

-Routines are something that will fade over time for the Aspie. Mine were prevalent as a child: I would have to eat things on my plate seperately (i.e. all of the veggies first before I could move on to the meat) and I would sparate my M&Ms and Skittles by color before eating them. Both my husband and I would alternate between having to walk over the cracks on the side walk or stepping on every single one, but these were never things that obsessed us. I think the idea of routine in Aspies has more to do with our ability to pick out patterns out of most things we see, but as we get older and have more responsibility the room for meaningless routines fades.

-Again, Aspies are perfectly capable of learning and adapting to society's rules to avoid conflitct, but it's not something that we agree with natrually. Autistic people aren't the anti-social people the general public makes us out to be. Most of the time we really want friends, but realize early (elementary or middle school) that most people aren't like us, misunderstand us, and all too often we find they're mean without understanding why, so we become anti-social because it's just easier. The more aspie blogs you read the more you'll find stories similar to yours.

-As for "super powers", we're not all savants. My short term memory is horrible, but I can retain facts on subjects of interest with ease. I never had to study my notes until I was in college because I have an easy time retaining fact-based information, but don't ask me where my car keys are. The one thing you haven't mentioned that I would ask in trying to determine if you're on the spectrum is if you have any special interests. Aspies love to research something until we're experts on it, then will move to something else. Our ability to hyperfocus and soak up information like sponges is where the memory trait comes in.

-Many aspies are misdiagnosed as being bipolar (particularly women). I wondered for a long time if I was bipolar, but that never really seemed to fit all the way around for me and realized that my mood swings have to do with my inability to recognize the subtle mood changes within myself until they reach their extreme. After some recollection I can pinpoint the beginning factor and always end up with a list of triggers that made it build up to depression or explosive rage and concluded that all of my swings are situational, not a chemical imbalance in my brain. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder, but this is consistent with Asperger's traits.

In conclusion, I think your disress over your diagnosis has more to do with the abundance of misinformation that's been available to you. Never feeling understood is one of the first traits an Aspie will list when asked to describe their own symptoms, and I hope with more research and speaking with more Aspies that you won't see your diagnosis as something to be depressed about, but can feel like you've finally found a home with the like-minded people you've never been able to find previously.

However, if you still feel that this diagnosis doesn't fit you after talking with other Aspies, do more research into the conditions you feel are more suited to you and bring your research to your psychologist and explain why you feel it suits you better.

 

[Vanilla]

Welcome

As many others have already mentioned here, AS is quite broad, and affects everyone differently, and much information out there can be reflective of only the more extreme cases at times. You don't need all the symptoms to have AS; but in saying that, there are many different things which are at times misdiagnosed as AS. Some specialists have a better understanding than others, but it's also common for some specialists to be wrong. Generally speaking, a person with AS will understand it better than a neurotypical will, simply for the fact that they have it. It's all about educating yourself really, which is why we're all here. I've learned much on this forum, which I was unable to find anywhere else on the internet (save other AS forums).

A good place to start would be to simply join forum discussions, and ask many questions. You can also find books on AS at our recommended resources section; I recommend looking in to Dr. Tony Attwood, who is quite brilliant.

Resources: Resources | AspiesCentral.com

Dr. Tony Attwood: Home

As for other possibilities, while I'm not an expert, I do know of one condition that is often misdiagnosed as AS, and seems to have even less information available about it. Perhaps it's another thing you can look up; even if only to cross it off your list. Attachment Disorder (AD), or Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), can show similar traits to AS, including the possibility of obsessive interests, or a withdrawn nature. It's generally caused by childhood trauma, or in neglected children. I believe the difference between AD and RAD may be behaviour, but that's something you can choose to look in to if you'd like. The best film reference I've found for RAD would be the film "Good Will Hunting". I watched that film, assuming the protagonist was on the autism spectrum, until they revealed otherwise.

Also, there is a support forum for those with AD/ RAD you may want to try:
Trauma Headquarters and ADSG - Index

I hope you find your answer

 

[Randomperson]

Also consider it this way, aspergers is hardly the worst thing a person could have, being non neuro typical never hurt anyone on its own. The depression and self destructive tendencies are the worries you want to address with medication if that is the doctors opinion, do not overly concern yourself with being on the high functioning autism spectrum.

 

[Blubbloup]

Thanks for all the answers, i would have considered myself lucky if only one person had taken the time to read this.

About some things that have been said :

- I've read a lot about the subject and watched videos about asperger people and i really don't feel like I look like them. I might in some situations where i'm really not at ease, especially when talking with older man, i think because i've always had troubles with father figures, having always felt really uneased with my dead. If I met an aspie in real life, i'd probably think he is interesting, but not that his behavior is the normal way to go.
- My imagination is not about my own life. I love to write fantasy, science fiction, horror stories. People have always said i'm a really creative person. I loved reading and telling jokes when i was a child. I really always was about making people laugh. I feel kinda uneased talking about serious things.
- I have seen a psychologist at the hospital. She also disagreed with me being autistic. I'd like to see one now but i simply don't have the money. I feel really weird about my psychiatrist. She just sits there and looks at me and waits for me to talk. She doesn't really ask questions, we havn't really talked about my childhood, my family, my suicidal toughts, etc.
- I do have special interest, but none of them are abnormal in intensity. The most important is music, i'd like to be a professionnal musician some day and i believe that the biggest reason i'm depressed is that i'm not able to live for a creative goal and spend most of my time in a job i hate. I'm also into computers (my job is developer), video games, and i like to read about scientific discoveries, without really understanding most details, having always been really bad at school. I'm passionnate about those things, but not abnormaly. When my girflend comes to see me, i drop my instruments and we go out and do something. I'm also not really gifted about learning those things. For example, i have a really good instinct when it comes to improvising on a piano or a guitar, but i am pretty fast bored when i'm trying to learn a song or some music theory. In this way, i really more am ADD than aspie.

 

[Salmongirl17]

Hello and Welcome!!