Am I an oddball? NT guy with ASD girl

[Flustered]

OK my profile says ASD because it appeared I had to choose the condition I was dealing with, I see now it meant MY diagnosis. I met her when I was friends with her ex husband, I rented a room from them for a while hence "3 adults" and their child in the house. We parted ways about a year during which time they got arrested, then his dad passed and we reunited following the funeral. (I was friends with his dad and brother also) He never treated her well, but during the criminal case he pretty much threw her under the bus. His reasoning, if shes content off in her own world coloring for hours on end, what does it matter if its in a jail cell? He expected her to take the blame do the time and absolve him of any involvement. I helped and supported her through the long drawn out trial, then she filed for divorce and came to live with me in an attempt to get her son back from foster care. Her ex filed papers "as the legal father" that he did not want HIS child returned to her and signed off on the adoption, because he refused to ever pay her child support.

The girl had nobody. She was kicked around by the system and those who proclaimed to love and care about her. I dont just want to be another name on the list who abandoned her. People told me I was an idiot for taking her in, she was "damaged goods" and would be a problem I didnt want or need in my life. Some even said she "got what she deserved?" Her father sat at our kitchen table and gave us (me) a lecture about how she is MY responsibility and that I need to make sure she is provided for, and considering our age difference "arrangements need to be made" in case something happens to me because she is an adult and to put it simply shes not THEIR problem. Do any of you feel YOU deserve that simply because of YOUR affliction? I suffer every day from GUILT! Guilt that I couldnt watch somebody with such a good heart and child like innocence be treated that way. Guilt that I am having difficulty dealing with 11 years of it. Overwhelmed that I have no "friends" to turn to that even remotely understand what our day to day life is like. Overwhelmed that I feel so much is dumped on my shoulders now, yet I get told I should be doing MORE?

Weve tried white boards, giant calendars etc. and it works for a week or two, until she loses interest in it. My daughter (25) knew at 4/5 years old to place her dirty dish next to the sink, put her toy back in the toy box when she got something else to play with, or to clean up the mess or tell an adult when you spill something not just walk away from it. Is it too much for me to want a 35 year old to do that? Nothing has ever been required or expected of her. Her doctors/therapists tell me repeatedly to give her more responsibility and hold her accountable, not simply do everything for her, yet comments in here tell me I should be doing everything?

I can live with the "issues." Its been 11 years, I KNOW HER! What I have trouble dealing with is the total lack of "anything" in return for my efforts. She has no problem telling others how she feels about me and what I mean to her, but SHE CANT TELL ME! She is "Chatty Kathy" with complete strangers, yet when we are alone NOT A SINGLE WORD! She is even affectionate in public in front of others, hugging, kissing, holding hands, but alone ... NOTHING! I am not necessarily "angry" as much as resentful, unappreciated, used, worthless, I want to be a partner, a life mate, not feel like the chauffeur, the maid, the nanny, or yes at times ... nothing more than a piece of furniture.

Someone mentioned a "mistress" and it kind of stuck with me. I dont want a mistress, mistress implies sex, or a physical relationship. Am I wrong for wanting someone in my life to hug me and tell ME everything is going to be alright? Somebody who doesnt just "care" how I feel, but ASKS ME or SHOWS ME they care! When I had my last heart procedure my wife never left my side, she doesnt drive but regardless she did get rides home to feed animals and shower/change etc. 5 days she was right there in the chair beside me ... sound asleep or on her phone, JUST LIKE HOME.

 

[Cazelle]

I am trying to understand your unique set of circumstances, slowly building up a picture.

It sounds as though your wife has had a difficult time since a young age. And it sounds like she has had quite asynchronous development, in part likely because of her ASD and maybe exacerbated by her upbringing. You mention that your daughter was brought up able to perform some basic home cleanliness tasks at a young age - your wife may well not have been brought up this way.

It can be a lot harder to teach someone to change their habits than to teach them new ones from childhood. A lot of people with ASD can find change particularly hard, confusing and draining.

What would you have done with your daughter when she was young to help mould her behaviour? Demonstrating, working together, making a game or something fun out of it, having incentives or rewards are all ways to teach children - could this work for your wife?

In terms of the demonstrative affection, caring and love you are craving from her, can you talk to her about it? Maybe consider love languages too - some people show their feelings in different ways. Is there anything that she does for you that may actually be her way of communicating her feelings to you?

 

[anxiety247]

OK to answer suggestions, I have looked into an outside caregiver and this was what I learned, she does not live alone, she is in no way physically disabled, she is CAPABLE of routine daily activities, bathing, cooking, cleaning etc. she CAN cook and clean IF AND WHEN SHE CHOOSES TO! That deems her "self sufficient" and does not require a care giver. That little part of the diagnosis stating "fully functioning" sometimes acts as a barrier.

As far as shopping, she can not drive, and can not handle money, so WE do all the shopping together. Sometimes I goof around and stop directly in front of something I know she wants or needs and look at her, after a moment she snaps at me and says "WHAT?" and I point to the item and say "didnt you just say before we left the house you wanted that?" But seriously, I am responsible for 80% or more of what does get purchased. The problem lies with what I dont know we need, especially when she believes if there is any red in the bottom of the ketchup bottle, we "have" ketchup. As far as bread, I ask if we have bread and get told yes, I get home and ask for a couple sandwiches and get told there is only enough for one. Then believe it or not I have been told, "You asked if we "had" bread, you didnt ask how much" UUGGGG! Now IF I ask if we "have" bread (or milk etc.) and she says yes, I ask either do we NEED bread or HOW MUCH do we have, she mumbles and says "I guess we should get some" or she rattles off exactly how much we have. Her other problem is she will buy only "one" of something, but she has gotten better about that. Literally when we met she would go to the store and buy ONE roll of toilet paper with 3 adults in the house. We "need" toilet paper, if she buys "a roll" of toilet paper we no longer "need" toilet paper, PROBLEM SOLVED. No thought what so ever to the time or distance or gas to the store. No thought at all to whether the store will be open in the hours to come when we run out again. We no longer "need" toilet paper, she accomplished her goal. Now at least "toilet paper" means a 12 or 24 pack. LOL

I am that person that washes each pot or utensil when I am done with it. Use a spice and put it back when I grab the next. If I spill something I clean it up. She can make mac and cheese and there is macaroni on the stove, the floor, in the sink where she drained it, and there it remains. I dont expect her to clean up after me, so why should I have to clean up after her? I take my empty soda can to the kitchen when I get another, they dont pile up around me. Once upon a time we shared kitchen duties until I became too frustrated being watched doing dishes. I learned the more I "helped" with the dishes, the more "I" did the dishes. I cant find anything because she just "stuffs it anywhere" if it is not still laying where she used it last, or she used the last of it and never told me. I get disgusted having to clean just to be able to do something in there. She literally has no problem preparing food 10 or 12 inches from a plate or pot full of mold and/or flies. Now I avoid the kitchen altogether, me going in there never ends well. Most recent kitchen happening, Friday night 9PM she went in the kitchen to "do dishes" about 2 weeks worth of dishes. Finally at 3AM I gave up and went to bed, I went in to say good night and there she was be bopping to the music wiping down a shelf in the fridge, 6 HOURS LATER AND NOT A SINGLE DISH WASHED!

I seem like I am being hard on her, but I am just to my breaking point, I tell her the new anti depressants are making her "condition" worse. I told her doctor they were making her worse and all they have done is up her dose TWICE! She says they "make her feel better" when in actuality they make her feel nothing, she literally walks around in a fog 24/7. Previous rounds with previous meds have had the same effect. The problem now is this time they used a DNA test to determine the best med for "her" so its "scientific" and she really loves this new doctor and anything she says is the gospel.

Now they have thrown out the term "hyper focus" and that is to blame for everything. She is too focused on what she is doing to see other things that need done, or other things PERIOD! She can be cooking, I am 2 rooms away and holler "WHATS BURNING?" she yells back "NOTHING" I respond with "SOMETHINGS BURNING I CAN SMELL IT!" she gets attitude and adamantly yells "NOTHINGS BURNING!" then the smoke alarm goes off. She comes in with her head down and softly says "The burner under the frying pan was too high" when in actuality, she was siting at the table ON HER PHONE not paying attention to the food on the stove. When she gives it 100% of her attention she CAN cook! She can put out a spread for Thanksgiving that is awesome! WHEN SHE WANTS TO!

I knew she had issues when we met. I never thought they were this bad. EVERYONE who knows her longer than I have says she has shown amazing improvement since being with me, people not with her EVERY DAY! even her family. I am forced to deal with it day in and day out, day after day, and I feel like crap focusing on the negative instead of her progress. She says constantly without hesitation I am responsible for who she is today and she is a better person for having me in her life. She has self confidence and inner strength now. She stands up for herself. Sadly it seems the only one she is comfortable "standing up to" is ME. Whenever someone else starts talking to her, she cowers, nods her head and just agrees to everything they say. High pressure salesmen have a field day with her!

The past 2 or 3 years the downward spiral has been disgusting. I blame the meds, I blame that *(&%*%$ PHONE! Over 11 years I saw her through some rough times. Her criminal case and prison term, parole etc. her divorce, the custody battle for her son, completing her college degree, getting her condition diagnosed and her current treatment, we were destitute with little more than the clothes on our backs all but living in my truck when we met. She is not close to her family, but she has their RESPECT now since I got in a fight with her father and brother about referring to her as "the family retard" then with therapy and my help she gained the strength to stand up to them and defend herself.

Now we bought a house, furnished it, have a nice car, and nice things, our bills are all paid and current along with some select "luxury" things shes never had before like cable TV, internet and cell phone, we are far from "prosperous" but we have a sense of "stability" in our lives. It just seems like there is no "crisis" at hand she needs support through, so I serve no purpose. It seems like she has completely given up, and at times I think she is actually using her condition as an excuse for her laziness or lack of interest and ambition. Almost like I was her "escape" from a horrible life, and now her life is good and I am the thing she wants escape from. At least thats how I see it.

To be fair, I used to live with someone who was probably the messiest person in the world and he's not even close to being an aspie. He would leave dirty dishes on the counter and sink for a week straight and not clean any food off the counter or oven. We would keep asking him to just put his dishes in the dishwasher, it's not the hard. But he never would because he was extremely lazy.

My boyfriend also likes to pile things up and I have to keep telling him to take some of it into the kitchen as he goes in there to get something else so it doesn't keep piling up.

I wouldn't say it's just an aspie thing, this is something a lot of people just generally do lol

But because of her condition, you can't yell at her. You have to be nice and figure out how to get her to listen and teach her if she messes up.

 

[Juliettaa]

@Flustered - after reading your posts, you sound a damn sight more than flustered; you sound ANGRY!!!! And an angry man living with, based on what you've posted, a vulnerable woman, is not a good combination.

I bet she can't see the 'wood for the trees' dealing with your shouty/angry outbursts. It must be horrible living in such a hostile environment. Whilst I can understand you having little tolerance for the mess (I am the same), the way you're dealing with it is not conducive to a good relationship.

I agree with @GadAbout

If you are at the end of your rope, then leave her.

What's the point in staying together? After 11 years, she's not going to miraculously turn into a model housekeeper/cook/cleaner/organiser and why should she if she's not that way inclined.

I wouldn't say it's just an aspie thing, this is something a lot of people just generally do lol

I also agree with @anxiety247 - I'm the autistic member of my household. I'm a woman, married to an NT man. I'm super tidy, loathe mess and actually do housework to de-stress. I enjoy it. My NT husband however would happily live in chaos, surrounded by junk. But the compromise in our relationship is that he has his own space/workshop that he can collect his junk and entertain himself with his possessions, but the main space, our home, HAS to be kept tidy, clutter free and peaceful.

Compromise. Something that appears to be missing with both parties in your relationship.

It's time for change.

 

[SolarPoweredNightOwl]

Thanks for explaining about the 3 adults and diagnosis thing, I was a bit confused.

Just so you know, we're not trying to discount your feelings. You're carrying a heavy load and not getting what you need in return, that's enough to make anyone angry and frustrated and resentful. The point we're getting at, is that things are what they are and you have to act accordingly. If you can coax her out of her shell and get her to make more consistent contributions, that would be ideal, but you can't seem to count on that.

It occurred to me, since she's so glued to her phone, maybe you could use organizational apps and alarms and such on her phone, instead of the traditional paper and whiteboards? I've got a lot of my lists and schedules and notes on mine, it helps a lot. It's still up to her to roll with it, but it's worth a try if you haven't already. And--this is going to sound stupid--but have you tried conversing with her by text message? Not just the usual questions and reminders couples send each other, but actual conversing? For some of us, writing and impersonal communication like text or IM is less draining. I know it's not the same as the face-to-face intimacy you really want, but if it helps you get inside her shell, a quarter loaf is better than none.

 

[Juliettaa]

a quarter loaf is better than none.

If it was a case of actual bread, I'd agree, but this is a life partner, not a loaf.

A relationship that is meant to be loving, supportive and respectful, but the circumstances in this household are from from that. I'd rather go hungry. A barren relationship with zero respect = misery.

Better to be alone and at peace than to deal with conflict every day. The OP and his partner deserve to be happy and if they can achieve that separately, so be it.

 

[Fino]

You said she was sexually abused for 11 years. For this to happen is to be broken again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

Just sayin'.

And for the record, I was once intolerable in a relationship, had many similarities to this person you describe, and I only changed after he gave up and finally left me.

Just sayin'.

 

[rollerskate]

This seriously could have been written about me. Almost every word of it.

My advice: the CPTSD needs to be addressed first. That has been a HUGE factor behind me not functioning well. Don't expect miracles. It will take years for her to finally start feeling straight again.

Antidepressants - the RIGHT ones - can actually help with this. It sounds like she's either on the wrong one or on too high a dosage. The dosage shouldn't be so high that she can't feel any sadness. Just high enough that if she feels sad, she doesn't go down into the pits of despair and consider suicide, but works to resolve her emotions and sees success with doing that.

There are some supplements that can help with adrenal fatigue, stress, and cognitive issues. Ginger, Gingko Biloba, Ashwagandha, Coconut Oil, CBD and/or Hemp, Kratom, Reishi, Skullcap, amino acids, B vitamins, adrenal extract, Ginseng, Valerian Root, Kava Kava, GABA, and more. It may take a lot, though. I know with myself, I'm taking probably around 10 different supplements every day.

She will also need LOTS of time to herself.

As for the other things... she will need to learn coping skills... and only she can really figure out what the best ones for her are. You can help by seeking out resources for her to read on individual issues.

Also... she's never going to be like an NT. There will be some issues she will never be able to resolve. This is different for everyone. For me, I've pretty well given up on driving and determined it wouldn't likely be safe for me to drive even if I did somehow manage to get my license. I may try again in the future, but I want to feel like I am actually capable of being a safe driver first.

I can't remember a lot of things, so I write them down. My partner and I share a calendar so we can keep track of the things we need to know from each other. We also text a lot so we can make notes. I keep a task list and note-taking app on my PC and phone. I also set reminders and alarms to keep myself on track. Even when I cook, I set a timer on my watch to remind me to keep checking in on it.

The hyperfocus... the distractability... the lack of a sense of time... etc. don't ever go away, I think. However, there are things she can do to help make it easier on you, and likewise, you can make it easier for her by taking on most of the planning and reminding her of things. Basically, this is going to take mutual effort on both your parts to find a good compromise.

She can still work, though maybe not much if she finds a way to work from home.

I don't really know what all to advise you on here, though, because you said you have a physical disability. Two disabilities in one relationship can be really rough because both of you need help on some things, and you're both also likely to have mental health issues related to living with the disabilities you have. However, I also am a strong believer that if two people love each other, they can find a way to make it work. I have seen others do it, as well. Even when they both had the same disability.

I hope something I said may help you out some with this. It may not be a bad idea to look into couple's therapy.

 

[sisselcakes]

I hope someone else can relate to the hell that is my life.

I rescued my "wife" from an abusive relationship 11 years ago. I knew all along she was "slow" and "goofy" and never received the help she should have gotten as a child, instead she was left endlessly in her room with puzzles and coloring books and literally forgotten about. It is a family joke about going on family outings and realizing upon arrival at their destination, they forgot her at home. They returned to find her still in her room totally oblivious that they had even left. Her bedroom window was road level, and looks out directly at the parking area and she never even noticed them getting in the car and leaving. They do not speak of the 11 years of sexual abuse by a family member because her quietness and withdrawal made her an "easy target." Her family lives @4 miles out the road and to this day has little or nothing to do with her, no, not even holidays.

Her ex husband was a jerk and played on her disability, he openly admitted and laughed about treating his dogs better than her. He got them into legal trouble and I was powerless as I watched the court manipulate her and use her disability against her. She filed for divorce and her embittered husband had no problem using the criminal charges and her disability declaring her "unfit" and putting their 2 yr old son up for adoption.

A VERY brief background bringing me to today. Of course one of her first diagnoses was PTSD after all shes been through. They keep insisting she suffers from depression and every medication they put her on only makes her withdraw more. I argue that she is not "depressed" she is disassociated, she doesnt feel sad, she feels nothing. Her emotional response is the same if the dog dies, or we win the lottery. She was finally diagnosed ASD a few months ago after fighting for years to find someone willing to even test an adult. But, her diagnosis says "although no adult test is available, using the standard test for a younger person it is a reasonable observation that she is in the Autism Spectrum."

I love her and care deeply about her but the strain on the relationship, AND ME is becoming unbearable! One moment she acts her age, 35, the next she is a defiant 12 year old, and the next shes like a 3 year old. She has a college degree, with NO common sense, no concept of money and no concept of time. She does not drive, yet thinks "anywhere" is only 15 minutes away which is not good when we live in the sticks 20 miles from anything. She puts EVERYTHING off until the last minute, then only does just enough to get by.

She does not respond to "hints" or innuendos or even saying something outright. If she doesnt "feel" like doing it, IT DOESNT GET DONE! She sets short term goals? On a whim she decides to bake cookies, first off she is a complete slob! (the 3 year old) she is covered in flour and dough or batter from head to toe like a child, the kitchen is a DISASTER AREA! When the cookies are done baking THATS IT her "goal" is reached and she simply walks away from the mess. Days later, WEEKS LATER I have to come unglued and scream at her to get it cleaned. That makes me demanding, controlling, dare I say "abusive." there is no pleasing me, I dont appreciate that she made me cookies, while I am screaming about the rats, mice, flies and mold appreciating our kitchen! The joys of farm living. She simply doesnt get it.

I dont mind being a problem solver, but I NEED her to work with me a little. I NEED information and when she doesnt tell me anything its a little rough. Finding out we are out of something 5 mins after the stores close. Driving 20 miles home from the grocery store then find out we are out of bread. After figuring out the finances to the penny to make it until payday ... then find out she overdrew her bank account, or forgot to pay something, Or the good old "that guy called, from that place, about that thing." After playing riddle me this for 20 mins to figure out what guy, from what place, about what thing, I learn HE CALLED 3 DAYS AGO! Its gotten so bad I want to scream, and after so many years of it now, I usually do.

I try talking to her, I try yelling at her, I threaten to leave and NOTHING. Her eyes turn black and I can literally see she is not there. She just shuts me out. IF she responds its one of her favorite replies, "I dont know" "I will" "I forgot" or simply "Uh huh" I am so sick of the yelling, but what I am most sick of is the countless hours of nothing, loneliness, futility. She sits for hours on end playing games on her phone about 10 feet from me. There is no interaction, affection, communication, or attention toward me what so ever. Its like I dont even exist. If I make her put the phone down to talk to her (normal conversation) she closes her eyes and goes to sleep.

I am physically disabled and we are extremely co dependent, I could survive alone but at this point I dont want to. She could not survive alone, and family is out of the question. She would either wind up with someone who simply wants her monthly check, or in a group home. I am by no means a saint, but I doubt anyone else would go through what I have, for as long as I have.

I want to walk away, but I worry too much about her fate to actually do it. I am coming to the realization that "this is it" and any hope of things getting better is gone. Over the years I have been told by her family and friends that she is my problem now, my responsibility. I turned 56 yesterday, I want someone to share my life with, not be responsible for, and certainly not a "problem." I wanted to marry her not adopt her. When we met I was new and exciting, she couldnt get enough of me, now I am old news and no longer interest her.

I see so many posts from women with ASD husbands, and I see so many comments telling them to GET OUT NOW! Am I the only guy who wont run from an ASD wife? I love her. I care about her. But I do not want to spend the rest of my life being treated like I dont matter. Two weeks ago I told her in the heat of the moment, I want a girlfriend, someone to touch, to hold, to talk to, who LISTENS and talks back to me, COMPANIONSHIP, somebody to SHARE life with not just "exist" together.

I know its not her fault otherwise I would be gone. I just care far too much about her to kick her to the curb because she is "broken."

Sorry for the long rant, I needed to vent. I hope some of you understand, its so tough when friends dont. They just write it off as a failed relationship and say to move on. We consider each other husband and wife, but in fact we are not legally married. If we were to get married she would lose her benefits. So no "divorce" involved, and no children.

I hear your frustration and I think it's justified, though I'm not blaming her by saying that.

First thought- I know you are exasperated, but yelling at her is going to make her have flashbacks to past abuse and she will "check out", so you need to find an alternate way to cope with your anger.

Second thought- if she isn't in therapy, she probably needs it. In addition, you need some kind of marital support, ideally with a therapist who is knowledgeable about ASD.

Third thought- It's hard when friends don't understand. It actually adds to your frustration. All you need is an understanding ear but well-meaning friends offer solutions or think you are making bad decisions (stated from personal experience).

Fourth thought - you are so focused on her that it sounds like you aren't taking care of yourself. You need to take more time deciding what you need, activities you enjoy, etc. Then you need to treat yourself kindly (IMHO).

Let us know how it goes.

 

[sisselcakes]

We did couples therapy for a couple years. I got a third party to vent to that acknowledged there is a problem but the wife made no effort to change. She says she "wants" to change but we cant get to the bottom of whether she doesnt see the problem, refuses to see the problem, has no desire to change, or simply refuses to.

She constantly cops the attitude ... Im the one with a problem, so its MY problem. Why should she change, shes perfectly fine the way things are. SHE doesnt have a problem with it.

If she won't give a little, she likely has very little insight or doesn't want to face her demons, which I honestly don't blame her for. I'm sure it's incredibly painful and she may not have the strength to confront it.

You sound very distraught and this is too much for one person to handle. Take care of you first!

 

[sisselcakes]

OK to answer suggestions, I have looked into an outside caregiver and this was what I learned, she does not live alone, she is in no way physically disabled, she is CAPABLE of routine daily activities, bathing, cooking, cleaning etc. she CAN cook and clean IF AND WHEN SHE CHOOSES TO! That deems her "self sufficient" and does not require a care giver. That little part of the diagnosis stating "fully functioning" sometimes acts as a barrier.

As far as shopping, she can not drive, and can not handle money, so WE do all the shopping together. Sometimes I goof around and stop directly in front of something I know she wants or needs and look at her, after a moment she snaps at me and says "WHAT?" and I point to the item and say "didnt you just say before we left the house you wanted that?" But seriously, I am responsible for 80% or more of what does get purchased. The problem lies with what I dont know we need, especially when she believes if there is any red in the bottom of the ketchup bottle, we "have" ketchup. As far as bread, I ask if we have bread and get told yes, I get home and ask for a couple sandwiches and get told there is only enough for one. Then believe it or not I have been told, "You asked if we "had" bread, you didnt ask how much" UUGGGG! Now IF I ask if we "have" bread (or milk etc.) and she says yes, I ask either do we NEED bread or HOW MUCH do we have, she mumbles and says "I guess we should get some" or she rattles off exactly how much we have. Her other problem is she will buy only "one" of something, but she has gotten better about that. Literally when we met she would go to the store and buy ONE roll of toilet paper with 3 adults in the house. We "need" toilet paper, if she buys "a roll" of toilet paper we no longer "need" toilet paper, PROBLEM SOLVED. No thought what so ever to the time or distance or gas to the store. No thought at all to whether the store will be open in the hours to come when we run out again. We no longer "need" toilet paper, she accomplished her goal. Now at least "toilet paper" means a 12 or 24 pack. LOL

I am that person that washes each pot or utensil when I am done with it. Use a spice and put it back when I grab the next. If I spill something I clean it up. She can make mac and cheese and there is macaroni on the stove, the floor, in the sink where she drained it, and there it remains. I dont expect her to clean up after me, so why should I have to clean up after her? I take my empty soda can to the kitchen when I get another, they dont pile up around me. Once upon a time we shared kitchen duties until I became too frustrated being watched doing dishes. I learned the more I "helped" with the dishes, the more "I" did the dishes. I cant find anything because she just "stuffs it anywhere" if it is not still laying where she used it last, or she used the last of it and never told me. I get disgusted having to clean just to be able to do something in there. She literally has no problem preparing food 10 or 12 inches from a plate or pot full of mold and/or flies. Now I avoid the kitchen altogether, me going in there never ends well. Most recent kitchen happening, Friday night 9PM she went in the kitchen to "do dishes" about 2 weeks worth of dishes. Finally at 3AM I gave up and went to bed, I went in to say good night and there she was be bopping to the music wiping down a shelf in the fridge, 6 HOURS LATER AND NOT A SINGLE DISH WASHED!

I seem like I am being hard on her, but I am just to my breaking point, I tell her the new anti depressants are making her "condition" worse. I told her doctor they were making her worse and all they have done is up her dose TWICE! She says they "make her feel better" when in actuality they make her feel nothing, she literally walks around in a fog 24/7. Previous rounds with previous meds have had the same effect. The problem now is this time they used a DNA test to determine the best med for "her" so its "scientific" and she really loves this new doctor and anything she says is the gospel.

Now they have thrown out the term "hyper focus" and that is to blame for everything. She is too focused on what she is doing to see other things that need done, or other things PERIOD! She can be cooking, I am 2 rooms away and holler "WHATS BURNING?" she yells back "NOTHING" I respond with "SOMETHINGS BURNING I CAN SMELL IT!" she gets attitude and adamantly yells "NOTHINGS BURNING!" then the smoke alarm goes off. She comes in with her head down and softly says "The burner under the frying pan was too high" when in actuality, she was siting at the table ON HER PHONE not paying attention to the food on the stove. When she gives it 100% of her attention she CAN cook! She can put out a spread for Thanksgiving that is awesome! WHEN SHE WANTS TO!

I knew she had issues when we met. I never thought they were this bad. EVERYONE who knows her longer than I have says she has shown amazing improvement since being with me, people not with her EVERY DAY! even her family. I am forced to deal with it day in and day out, day after day, and I feel like crap focusing on the negative instead of her progress. She says constantly without hesitation I am responsible for who she is today and she is a better person for having me in her life. She has self confidence and inner strength now. She stands up for herself. Sadly it seems the only one she is comfortable "standing up to" is ME. Whenever someone else starts talking to her, she cowers, nods her head and just agrees to everything they say. High pressure salesmen have a field day with her!

The past 2 or 3 years the downward spiral has been disgusting. I blame the meds, I blame that *(&%*%$ PHONE! Over 11 years I saw her through some rough times. Her criminal case and prison term, parole etc. her divorce, the custody battle for her son, completing her college degree, getting her condition diagnosed and her current treatment, we were destitute with little more than the clothes on our backs all but living in my truck when we met. She is not close to her family, but she has their RESPECT now since I got in a fight with her father and brother about referring to her as "the family retard" then with therapy and my help she gained the strength to stand up to them and defend herself.

Now we bought a house, furnished it, have a nice car, and nice things, our bills are all paid and current along with some select "luxury" things shes never had before like cable TV, internet and cell phone, we are far from "prosperous" but we have a sense of "stability" in our lives. It just seems like there is no "crisis" at hand she needs support through, so I serve no purpose. It seems like she has completely given up, and at times I think she is actually using her condition as an excuse for her laziness or lack of interest and ambition. Almost like I was her "escape" from a horrible life, and now her life is good and I am the thing she wants escape from. At least thats how I see it.

You say she is capable of caring for herself (e.g., bathing); however, are you sure this is true? Maybe she is physically capable, but is she mentally able? Does she dissociate so much that she isn't able to follow through with things? Is she so depressed that she can't get her act together? (been there, done that) Please don't assume she is lazy. I've dealt with depression that rendered me unable to keep up with housework. Literally I've had moments of being a complete slob because I can't muster the energy to follow through with things. Have you had a chance to speak with her doctor? Maybe you could attend a session and explain your concerns about her functioning. She may be presenting a different image to her doctor.

It seems as though she either isn't able or willing to do her part. If it's a matter of willingness, there is little likelihood to expect a change. If she isn't able, there are certainly things she can do (as long as depression is treated effectively) In this case, how about divvying up responsibilities based on ability? She would have to have the willingness.

Considering everything she struggles with, unfortunately the bulk of problem solving will lie on you. I got a book that was helpful called "Troubleshooting Relationships on the Autistic Spectrum". It's quite good.

It says a lot about you that people who have known her for years say she's much better since she met you!

I understand about the hyperfocus thing. I'm the same, but I can imagine it would be infuriating with the results. Again, I go back to - you need to take care of YOU. You are too focused on her. Do you have friends outside of the relationship that you can unwind with?

 

[sisselcakes]

This seriously could have been written about me. Almost every word of it.

My advice: the CPTSD needs to be addressed first. That has been a HUGE factor behind me not functioning well. Don't expect miracles. It will take years for her to finally start feeling straight again.

Antidepressants - the RIGHT ones - can actually help with this. It sounds like she's either on the wrong one or on too high a dosage. The dosage shouldn't be so high that she can't feel any sadness. Just high enough that if she feels sad, she doesn't go down into the pits of despair and consider suicide, but works to resolve her emotions and sees success with doing that.

There are some supplements that can help with adrenal fatigue, stress, and cognitive issues. Ginger, Gingko Biloba, Ashwagandha, Coconut Oil, CBD and/or Hemp, Kratom, Reishi, Skullcap, amino acids, B vitamins, adrenal extract, Ginseng, Valerian Root, Kava Kava, GABA, and more. It may take a lot, though. I know with myself, I'm taking probably around 10 different supplements every day.

She will also need LOTS of time to herself.

As for the other things... she will need to learn coping skills... and only she can really figure out what the best ones for her are. You can help by seeking out resources for her to read on individual issues.

Also... she's never going to be like an NT. There will be some issues she will never be able to resolve. This is different for everyone. For me, I've pretty well given up on driving and determined it wouldn't likely be safe for me to drive even if I did somehow manage to get my license. I may try again in the future, but I want to feel like I am actually capable of being a safe driver first.

I can't remember a lot of things, so I write them down. My partner and I share a calendar so we can keep track of the things we need to know from each other. We also text a lot so we can make notes. I keep a task list and note-taking app on my PC and phone. I also set reminders and alarms to keep myself on track. Even when I cook, I set a timer on my watch to remind me to keep checking in on it.

The hyperfocus... the distractability... the lack of a sense of time... etc. don't ever go away, I think. However, there are things she can do to help make it easier on you, and likewise, you can make it easier for her by taking on most of the planning and reminding her of things. Basically, this is going to take mutual effort on both your parts to find a good compromise.

She can still work, though maybe not much if she finds a way to work from home.

I don't really know what all to advise you on here, though, because you said you have a physical disability. Two disabilities in one relationship can be really rough because both of you need help on some things, and you're both also likely to have mental health issues related to living with the disabilities you have. However, I also am a strong believer that if two people love each other, they can find a way to make it work. I have seen others do it, as well. Even when they both had the same disability.

I hope something I said may help you out some with this. It may not be a bad idea to look into couple's therapy.

Do you take all the supplements that you mentioned? Do you find they actually help? I'm on the fence about them.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I'm shocked to see people blame this guy. I pity that girl too, but blaming this guy is too much.

She's the one who used the kitchen, so she should clean it by herself. And it's not his fault or responsibility to ensure all things like breads are bought; it supposed to be a shared responsibility.

Here, seems like the guy did everything, he takes the burden of two people all by himself. The girl should share the responsibility, but like you all implied, she cant, or she wont. She probably can do it if she forces herself, which must be very difficult.

So to the OP, i think your guts is right. You simply adopted her. You became her caregiver; maybe you didnt know what you've got yourself into in the beginning. Like other have said, being roommates; but even roommates share responsibility. From what you told us, it seems she can hardly hold responsibility on the level you expected. If you want a proper wife, rationally, ..i think you know the answer..

You dont need to blame yourself. You have been kind, you saved her. Now it's up to her on how she lead her own life.

Why must you be responsible for her, when she's not even your wife? Her family just dumped her to you, they're BS. You dont know where to put her? I know you're kind, that's why you worry. Why not let her worry about it herself too, since it's her life after all..

But take care of yourself first. You yelled because you were overwhelmed, doing everything by yourself. If it's me, i'll probably snap too.. Now just let's rest, and maybe listen to some good motivational religion/spiritual youtube video perhaps..?

Okay, all these are just my assumption and opinion. I might be wrong too. Wish the best for both parties.

 

[Bolletje]

My boyfriend (not on the spectrum) does not see filth, mess or chaos. He’s not blind, he just doesn’t register it as a problem. He can leave dirty dishes in the sink for a month without any urge to clean them.
After six years of living together I’ve accepted that this is who he is and the cost of living together is that I do most of the cleaning around here.
Yelling at him is not going to change who he is. It’s only going to make both of us upset.
I think you need to evaluate if you’re ready to accept her as she is, and if you’re not, you should leave her.

 

[Aeolienne]

A 35-year-old woman is not a girl!