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advice please?

Tanya

Tanya

spirit gardener
Sometimes I say the stupidest things without meaning to. I completely sabotage myself and push other people away. It makes me sad because I enjoy being around people, and would like to have more friends. I don't know how to fix it. Any suggestions?
 
Maybe I'm just keeping people at a distance because of the B-S they deal out. Maybe I'm just dealing it out too.
 
People love me at first, then they realize that I have obsessions, and am generally can't focus on things I'm not interested in. I also hate when people make everything into sex. It really bothers me. I'm uncool.
 
I often joke about myself as the "sober prude", certian topics make me extremely uncomfortable. Everyone in my family is screwed up making bad choices and I am a serious soul I guess. No one comes around, I am lucky to have married my first love.
 
Wow sounds like you have been lucky to marry your first love. I'm on my second marriage and neither were my first loves, though they are both lovely.
 
I think this is something that a lot of people with autism have problems with. I don't so much, I'm generally able to stop myself and think about things before they leave my mouth, I don't know if it's something you can teach yourself or not, might be worth a try. I wish I had a solution for you, I really do.
 
I suggest reading a book on social etiquette, I'm research obsessed aspie, I've learned a lot of how to be normal that way. I really do wind up failing long term though at some point or another. I think outloud a lot.
 
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Tanya said:
Wow sounds like you have been lucky to marry your first love. I'm on my second marriage and neither were my first loves, though they are both lovely.
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I received your private message, but I can't access it right now, it keeps saying loading.......... please do send me the title of what you got. I could use a refresher. I hope you are well today!
 
I have the same problem. Much of the time I manage to keep it under control but sometimes I can't and inadvertently say the most horrible things and this does a lot of damage. I focus most on not saying anything that could hurt the kids' feelings as I know there are things my mum said to me as a child (I suspect she is an aspie too) that have never left my mind.
 
Tanya said:
Sometimes I say the stupidest things without meaning to. I completely sabotage myself and push other people away. It makes me sad because I enjoy being around people, and would like to have more friends. I don't know how to fix it. Any suggestions?
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First and foremost....I think of the serenity prayer. Whether you are spiritual or religious doesn't matter in this instance:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

My point? Some of our traits and behaviors are beyond our control. That they are neurologically "hard-wired" into our brains.
That's the first thing you have to consider. Do you even have the capability of mitigating such behavior? It took me some time just to realize and understand that I cannot process sarcasm aimed in my direction. Similar to some of my OCD rituals. I can be perfectly aware of them, but am powerless to compensate. And yes, it can be horribly frustrating.

Abruptly saying things you don't mean strikes me as a classic behavior of Aspies. Not necessarily that we all have it, but most of us seem to grapple with this issue to varying degrees. I'm no exception. About the only practical suggestion I can offer from my own perspective is to try if possible not to be terribly quick at responding to people verbally. To take a breath and try to think about what is being said, and to give a response that isn't so terse and to the point depending on the circumstances.

But if you can't, don't beat yourself up over it. If you are hard-wired to behave in a certain manner, sometimes all you have is self-awareness, whether it really works for you or not. There are never any guarantees. A dynamic I think many Neurotypicals just don't understand.
 
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