Advice in "bridging the gap" with an NT

[Les]

Hello everyone, after struggling for quite a while with disparities between myself and my girlfriend it finally made me realise (and after profuse encouragement from my girlfriend) to seek advice. Particularly, in the realm of "understanding" to say.

We've been together for about 3 years and 4 months, having finished high school together, moved out together, travelled across the continent and back, we've done a fair bit. However for this whole time, I have had difficulties which I didn't know would impede and erode my relationship with my partner. I was diagnosed and assessed about 8 years ago for mild Aspergers syndrome, and up until around last year I was blissfully unaware of the differences that meant for me with how I interact, treat, and think of people. Being from the country side the idea of "everybody is different" is touted and hence I never thought there was anything I had to deal with.

During the high school (first couple of years of our relationship) I discovered a fantastic group of friend I really clicked with. I saw my girlfriend at school every day and as quality time to me isn't something I really feel to yearn for, I thought as I was satisfied with that so was she, and so I often drove 6 times the distance (with one of the friends in tow as it was on my way, also a woman which made it more awkward) to drink, hang out, play games, whatever really. This caused my girlfriend to feel upset, blame herself, then blame me (rightfully so) for how she felt about my behaviour. Looking back after properly understanding how she feels about it and why from her NT perspective I know I'm in the wrong for it, and again how was I to know at the time?

Yet, here I am now struggling with ways to (for example) demonstrate my feelings for my girlfriend clearly, ensuring I spend enough quality time, paying attention to her when I should (and I really want to, trust me, but DAMN it's as if my mind declares nah not now mate), recognise when I should participate in helping her with something (say she's back after a long day of work and it's her turn to prepare dinner, but instead of offering to help her prepare dinner when she's tired I only greet her, give her a big hug, and then remain idle absolutely lost as to what to do now). With that previous point I must exaggerate, I understand some ways to demonstrate affection and to care for her properly when she needs it most, but when it comes time I can sometimes recognise how she is feeling and very rarely act upon it.

For these reasons, and others I may digress later, I am making this post here and will be attempting to see a behavioural psychologist (or something) to come up with sorts of strategies to be able to help her, or to be at a middle ground. Any input will be read and I'm hoping all you fellow spergs and autists here can ride my wavelength and may have figured out where I've been stuck at for over a year now. Hoping to hear soon guys.

 

[Rasputin]

Hello everyone, after struggling for quite a while with disparities between myself and my girlfriend it finally made me realise (and after profuse encouragement from my girlfriend) to seek advice. Particularly, in the realm of "understanding" to say.

We've been together for about 3 years and 4 months, having finished high school together, moved out together, travelled across the continent and back, we've done a fair bit. However for this whole time, I have had difficulties which I didn't know would impede and erode my relationship with my partner. I was diagnosed and assessed about 8 years ago for mild Aspergers syndrome, and up until around last year I was blissfully unaware of the differences that meant for me with how I interact, treat, and think of people. Being from the country side the idea of "everybody is different" is touted and hence I never thought there was anything I had to deal with.

During the high school (first couple of years of our relationship) I discovered a fantastic group of friend I really clicked with. I saw my girlfriend at school every day and as quality time to me isn't something I really feel to yearn for, I thought as I was satisfied with that so was she, and so I often drove 6 times the distance (with one of the friends in tow as it was on my way, also a woman which made it more awkward) to drink, hang out, play games, whatever really. This caused my girlfriend to feel upset, blame herself, then blame me (rightfully so) for how she felt about my behaviour. Looking back after properly understanding how she feels about it and why from her NT perspective I know I'm in the wrong for it, and again how was I to know at the time?

Yet, here I am now struggling with ways to (for example) demonstrate my feelings for my girlfriend clearly, ensuring I spend enough quality time, paying attention to her when I should (and I really want to, trust me, but DAMN it's as if my mind declares nah not now mate), recognise when I should participate in helping her with something (say she's back after a long day of work and it's her turn to prepare dinner, but instead of offering to help her prepare dinner when she's tired I only greet her, give her a big hug, and then remain idle absolutely lost as to what to do now). With that previous point I must exaggerate, I understand some ways to demonstrate affection and to care for her properly when she needs it most, but when it comes time I can sometimes recognise how she is feeling and very rarely act upon it.

For these reasons, and others I may digress later, I am making this post here and will be attempting to see a behavioural psychologist (or something) to come up with sorts of strategies to be able to help her, or to be at a middle ground. Any input will be read and I'm hoping all you fellow spergs and autists here can ride my wavelength and may have figured out where I've been stuck at for over a year now. Hoping to hear soon guys.

I have the same issues, so you might not want to listen to me. The problem I have is I spend so much time in my own head thinking that I come across as self-centered. If you can, make a conscious effort to fócus on helping your girlfriend and being involved in her life. Maybe she will take notice.

 

[Giraffes]

The book 'trouble shooting relationships on the Autistic spectrum' by Ashley Stanford may be a useful tool it 'decodes' stuff from the N/D and N/T worlds and provides concrete examples and non emotive solutions to frequent relationship issues, my partner who i recently split from was N/D and was unwilling/unable to use this approach but as a support thing it's worth a look, good luck from your post you give me the feeling you want things to be better.

 

[Les]

I have the same issues, so you might not want to listen to me. The problem I have is I spend so much time in my own head thinking that I come across as self-centered. If you can, make a conscious effort to fócus on helping your girlfriend and being involved in her life. Maybe she will take notice.

I think that's what I've started to find, the way I think about how it's "my head then everything else", getting past that would help I can see that.

The book 'trouble shooting relationships on the Autistic spectrum' by Ashley Stanford may be a useful tool it 'decodes' stuff from the N/D and N/T worlds and provides concrete examples and non emotive solutions to frequent relationship issues, my partner who i recently split from was N/D and was unwilling/unable to use this approach but as a support thing it's worth a look, good luck from your post you give me the feeling you want things to be better.

I already tried another book, it was purely from the N/D's perspective so I don't think it clicked well for me. This sounds like a much better option so I'll check it out thanks

 

[Thinx]

Yes I agree with others here that it's largely about finding strategies that work for you in your relationship, so, tailored to how you both are. This isn't usually an intuitive process for us, it's about finding resources and advice that may work for us.

Also, our logical approach can make us a bit dismissive of strategies, as we may think, well it's not really me, and she wants me to be genuine, etc, but actually, genuine is a moveable feast in this context, and learned strategies are acceptable to partners. Particularly if we don't go and spoil them with remarks like, It's not really what I think, but I said it to make you happy. Or, I already said you looked nice last year, you know that by now, don't you?

Try having a written protocol for yourself, for example, write out the point you wrote here about your partner coming in tired, and the steps you should take if this happens, and read it to remind yourself when this occurs. Eg. Step 1, ask how was her day?
Step 2, if you are not sure, check about how tired she is, Hey you seem tired, do you want me to start the meal, or are you OK to do it? Or if you already got that she's too tired to do it, just offer to do it. Especially if you have had time off or are not working.
Step 3 . Don't ask or expect her to do something else to even up the score.
Step 4. Enjoy your meal together!

It's partly the same as for any relationship, we have to get that we are indeed all different, and that a seemingly 'fair' even split of tasks is not always the best way to manage our particular circumstances.

Honestly, also, we do sometimes pose a challenge to NT partners in terms of our communication and other world ways, and if we want to have all the benefits of a relationship, and their kind allowances for how we sometimes are quite oblivious to their needs, we need to think out how to be more user friendly, just like you are saying. It's well worth it, if you love the person.

 

[Les]

Yes I agree with others here that it's largely about finding strategies that work for you in your relationship, so, tailored to how you both are. This isn't usually an intuitive process for us, it's about finding resources and advice that may work for us.

Also, our logical approach can make us a bit dismissive of strategies, as we may think, well it's not really me, and she wants me to be genuine, etc, but actually, genuine is a moveable feast in this context, and learned strategies are acceptable to partners. Particularly if we don't go and spoil them with remarks like, It's not really what I think, but I said it to make you happy. Or, I already said you looked nice last year, you know that by now, don't you?

Try having a written protocol for yourself, for example, write out the point you wrote here about your partner coming in tired, and the steps you should take if this happens, and read it to remind yourself when this occurs. Eg. Step 1, ask how was her day?
Step 2, if you are not sure, check about how tired she is, Hey you seem tired, do you want me to start the meal, or are you OK to do it? Or if you already got that she's too tired to do it, just offer to do it. Especially if you have had time off or are not working.
Step 3 . Don't ask or expect her to do something else to even up the score.
Step 4. Enjoy your meal together!

It's partly the same as for any relationship, we have to get that we are indeed all different, and that a seemingly 'fair' even split of tasks is not always the best way to manage our particular circumstances.

Honestly, also, we do sometimes pose a challenge to NT partners in terms of our communication and other world ways, and if we want to have all the benefits of a relationship, and their kind allowances for how we sometimes are quite oblivious to their needs, we need to think out how to be more user friendly, just like you are saying. It's well worth it, if you love the person.

Very good points, thanks a lot! The step-wise approach could do, I'll see if I can try implementing it. Regardless hopefully I will be getting counselling soon from a professional who has reportedly worked with other aspies with very similar issues close to what I'm currently experiencing.

Becoming "user friendly" is the focus I believe; just being able to recognise and act when needed basically.