About to Break up with my AS Boyfriend

[Lalalovely]

Hi everyone,
Lately I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. I met a wonderful fellow last year over the internet and we had similar interests. We began to long distance date, and eventually, he flew from England to the USA where I live to come see me. I knew he had autism, but it was never a red flag in our relationship online and both my family and I didn't think much of it.
For background purposes, I will add that I am in college, still trying to figure out my own life, and juggling so much stress as it is. He is currently here and will be for the next 2 weeks, but we are not clicking like we had been. He isn't the guy I thought he was. He is still so sweet and caring, but he has a plethora of issues - spanning from random blackouts, pains, and terrible motor skills. He cannot function properly without my mother around while I go to work. He forgets which towel he uses and instead used my father's wash cloth yesterday to shower with. He is almost childlike in some ways, and I am so heartbroken. He is extremely intelligent - but he fixates on only one topic: politics. He is very touchy/feely with me and I cannot respond right because the person I thought he was isn't there. I'm shattered. I have not slept in days. I'm worried. My family is worried. I don't believe he could ever be on his own which is awful because I am a super independent person. I hope this doesn't offend anyone, I'm truly trying to figure this all out.

He has depression and takes things very hard. He isn't motivated much either, which scares me. I have no idea how to tell him I am not strong enough for all of this. I'm worried he will be suicidal, especially since he doesn't have a good support system and I am his only good friend. I cannot go a few minutes without crying or feeling guilty or just... awful.
I do not want him to obsess about me, which is a concern because he tends to be the type that focuses on only one thing.

I need help and guidance in finding a way to break free, yet also not throw him to the wolves either. Because even through all of this, he needs to know I care so much about him as a person. I've never been so upset in my entire life.

Thank you for reading, everyone. Much appreciated. Please help me if possible.

 

[tree]

You may want to look at some of the threads
in the Love, Relationships and Dating area.

Here are a few, on similar topic.
Feeling Ignored by Boyfriend with Asperger's
Can aspies love back?
Romantic relationship - NPD vs ASD
Should I Give Up On My Aspie Husband?

 

[SunnyDay16]

First of all, I am sorry that you are dealing with this situation. It seems he depends way too much emotionally on you and you're feeling exhausted from being his constant support system. I would just tell him the truth about how you feel. Something you could say could be, "I want you to know that I care about you a lot, but I cannot help you all on my own. You need professional counseling to help you sort your issues out." It isn't your job to "fix" him or his issues, but to be there for him and nudge him to the right resources.

 

[puzzledbutlearning]

I feel for you. This is a difficult situation. I'm not sure I have any good advice to offer but I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you and that this has to be an awful situation for you to be in. I am going through a break up with an undiagnosed AS guy and it's been extremely difficult so my heart goes out to you.

 

[Lalalovely]

Thank you so much, I was afraid no one would understand it from my perspective. I had no idea of his limitations and I am still dependant as a college student myself. I don't know how I could support someone of his capacity. I care so much about him as a person and I am sure you did about your bf as well. Thank you. Let's stay strong together and get through this.

 

[Lalalovely]

Thank you for your help, I truly appreciate it. Your advice will come in handy for me.
He does rely on me too much for everything, but I had no idea of this extent until now. I hope he can move on and I will be sure to contact his family about help. He is already on so much medication that it scares me. I believe he needs to make friends and expand his friendship horizons.
Once again, I appreciate your response. I'm very grateful. It has been my worst nightmare of guilt and pain.

 

[puzzledbutlearning]

Thank you so much, I was afraid no one would understand it from my perspective. I had no idea of his limitations and I am still dependant as a college student myself. I don't know how I could support someone of his capacity. I care so much about him as a person and I am sure you did about your bf as well. Thank you. Let's stay strong together and get through this.

Yes. I would say this: Put yourself first. I think empathetic people (such as yourself) are more likely to put others first and in this case, you need to practice self preservation. I didn't do that in my relationships with ASD guys and I've learned my lesson.

 

[Lalalovely]

Yes. I would say this: Put yourself first. I think empathetic people (such as yourself) are more likely to put others first and in this case, you need to practice self preservation. I didn't do that in my relationships with ASD guys and I've learned my lesson.

I agree. I was always raised to be kind and caring, and I am very empathetic. I do, however, know my limitations and boundaries. Which in this case, it is beyond what I can handle properly. Thank you so much for your insight, it helps me more than you can imagine.

 

[sisselcakes]

Hi everyone,
Lately I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. I met a wonderful fellow last year over the internet and we had similar interests. We began to long distance date, and eventually, he flew from England to the USA where I live to come see me. I knew he had autism, but it was never a red flag in our relationship online and both my family and I didn't think much of it.
For background purposes, I will add that I am in college, still trying to figure out my own life, and juggling so much stress as it is. He is currently here and will be for the next 2 weeks, but we are not clicking like we had been. He isn't the guy I thought he was. He is still so sweet and caring, but he has a plethora of issues - spanning from random blackouts, pains, and terrible motor skills. He cannot function properly without my mother around while I go to work. He forgets which towel he uses and instead used my father's wash cloth yesterday to shower with. He is almost childlike in some ways, and I am so heartbroken. He is extremely intelligent - but he fixates on only one topic: politics. He is very touchy/feely with me and I cannot respond right because the person I thought he was isn't there. I'm shattered. I have not slept in days. I'm worried. My family is worried. I don't believe he could ever be on his own which is awful because I am a super independent person. I hope this doesn't offend anyone, I'm truly trying to figure this all out.

He has depression and takes things very hard. He isn't motivated much either, which scares me. I have no idea how to tell him I am not strong enough for all of this. I'm worried he will be suicidal, especially since he doesn't have a good support system and I am his only good friend. I cannot go a few minutes without crying or feeling guilty or just... awful.
I do not want him to obsess about me, which is a concern because he tends to be the type that focuses on only one thing.

I need help and guidance in finding a way to break free, yet also not throw him to the wolves either. Because even through all of this, he needs to know I care so much about him as a person. I've never been so upset in my entire life.

Thank you for reading, everyone. Much appreciated. Please help me if possible.

You sounds like a sensitive and caring person. Even though he suffers from depression, it doesn't mean he will become suicidal. Was this a problem for him in the past?

I would caution you to assume he's going to be devastated. Perhaps he feels the same as you do but doesn't know how to express it. You may be suffering as a result of your own assumptions!

Your friendship can continue long distance and maybe he would be interested in that. Clearly you enjoyed each other long distance.